Fill Her Up
Page 1
Fill Her Up
Jenni Sartre
Contents
1. Fill Her Up
Also by Jenni Sartre
1
Fill Her Up
Have you ever been secretly in love with someone? I'm talking about a situation where you could tell they wanted you too ...but you thought you couldn't ever be with them because you were afraid of other people judging you. I bet you have at some point in your life. Maybe it was the loser kid in school that you had a crush on, maybe it was a teacher, or your best friend's brother or sister or really anyone who was out of your reach because it's just wasn't cool with other people for you to be together. Maybe they were too old or too young, or too rich or too poor or the wrong religion or skin color. Whatever the reason I bet you always wondered what might of happened if things had been different. Maybe you wished you'd have just said "to hell with it" and just gone for it anyway, just faced up to being alienated by your friends or family. Or maybe you wondered if you could have somehow dated them and kept it a secret.
I'm going to tell you about something like that that happened to me. The only difference is that my situation is much more taboo and far more bizarrely beautiful then the ones I described...and I've actually managed to get away with it - At least so far.
My name is Frances. I recently moved out and got my own apartment. Most girls my age don't live alone but the only reason I moved out was so that I could have my own private space, where I could lock the door and never have to see people unless I wanted to. I have to admit I feel a bit guilty now, because now lately mom's been all alone in the house. My step-dad and her separated just as I was starting to settle in to my new place. They were together seven years, starting from when I was thirteen. I asked her why they broke up, since I always thought they got along rather well. She said she knew he wasn't really in love with her anymore and since I was old enough to take care of my self, there wasn't much point in them living together any longer. I guess that seems pretty cold of him to just leave but if you think about it, you'd probably do the same thing- if being in love was important enough to you. I don't think it is for my mom, I think that deep down she knows that it's getting closer to the time when she should find someone trustworthy and dependable to settle down and grow older with. My step dad is many things, but those are not the first two words which would come to your mind if you knew him. He's a cool guy though- definitely an interesting person to have around. There's much more to this than meets the eye so I should probably take some time to explain.
My step dad's name is Christopher. Nobody calls him Chris, not even my mom. He just has this old fashioned kind of flair that makes him seem too dashing for that. He's a musician. He plays a bunch of different instruments and writes music for t.v. And movies. He's nine years younger than my mom, only thirty-seven. He used to play jazz clubs and stuff in his twenties but I guess he quit because there was no money it it. He was pretty poor when my mom met him, even though he never acted like it. Their relationship started out as a sort of ongoing affair. I remember he'd sleep over sometimes when I was 11 and 12 .
Christopher would come through town on tour and stay at our house. He always showed up dressed in classy, old fashioned suits. He was so funny and nice to me and he seemed very cool and sophisticated. I used to beg mom to let me stay up till he came home from his gigs. I'd try to stay awake and hang out with them while they talked about history and philosophy and art. Christopher always asked my opinion about things they were talking about. Most of the time I couldn't think of much to say but every once and a while I'd come with something that made him smile or laugh. Like the time he asked me what I thought about Vincent Van Gogh cutting his ear off and sending it to a prostitute who didn't love him and I said I thought maybe he cut it off by accident and then sent it to her because he couldn't think of anything else to do with it.
Anyway, He stopped coming around for a awhile after he quit touring to focus on composing but I guess him an Mom were writing back and forth because the next thing I knew he was coming to live with us and then they got married not long after. His new career was starting to pick up so he turned our basement into a studio for himself where he could work undisturbed. He used to let me come down there and watch while he worked but it all seemed so insanely complicated. I'd sit there listening to him play all these little bits of things that made no sense until he put them all together. I can't imagine how he was able to keep everything straight in his head. He didn't even write his ideas down most of the time- he'd just announce randomly "I've got it figured out!" And then he'd run downstairs to immediately start playing into his computer.
Whenever he saw me carrying around his old books or heard me listening to the music he'd given me, he'd ask what I liked about it. He was so patient when he listened to me try and explain how I felt or what I thought, always ready to help me find the words when I was at a loss. He used to say that knowing why you like what you like is a necessary first step to figuring out what you want to do in life.
These are some of the best things about him as a dad but he also had his quirks and flaws. Sometimes during dinner or when we were in the car he'd he say he was thinking about something important and demand silence for minutes at a time- flipping out if anyone even made a peep. He kept strange hours that were always changing, staying up for days on end and then sleeping all day and night to make up for it. Oh yeah, and he screwed around.
Maybe you're thinking he's a bastard because of this fact but him and my mom never fought about it or anything. She's pretty modern in her thinking and from what I've read it's not too unusual among artists. Oh, did I mention my mom's writer?
Actually she's an english teacher as her main job but she's a published author and everything too. She says she'll keep teaching even if she becomes well known because she believes in what she does. I don't want you to think she's a big victim in this story because she's a very strong, centered person and still quite beautiful. I really hope I'm half as attractive when I'm her age. She's got naturally dark, straight hair, like me, which she's always kept in a bob . For comparison I keep mine shorter- and I'm always changing the style and color. We're both tall, but I'm taller, She's five eight or so and I'm a bit over five ten. She's got a better figure than me though, and her face is prettier, I think.
I'm really skinny and I don't have much in the way of curves. She claims she was the same way when she was my age and they'll come in time but I've seen pictures and I think she was always more womanly. Her face looks glamorous- her nose is small and chiseled , her lips are lusher and her pointed chin is more delicate and feminine compared to me with my roman nose and boyish mouth and jaw. We both have the same frosty blue eyes but hers look bigger on her face. We also share the same oh-so pale skin but I have more freckles than her. She just has a few around her eyes and on her shoulders which I think make her look romantic. Mine show up all over my face and arms in the summer but I guess it's not so bad, In some pictures they even look pretty cool. I'll admit that I've done some modelling and I was even asked to join an agency full time- but that's almost the point. I look like an androgenous fashion model whereas my mom looks like an old fashioned foreign film star.
I wouldn't ever have known about my parents unconventional relationship if I hadn't happened to have known someone Christopher was having an affair with, personally.
The other woman was the older sister of another model I was friends with. One night I was over at their house hanging out with my friend Cindy after a job and I heard music coming from Sarah's room that I recognized, from one of Christopher's soundtracks that had never been released. I didn't say anything at the time but I did ask my step-dad about it later. This was about three years ago, when I was seventeen.
It was early a
fternoon. We were at home sitting at the table drinking coffee and chatting. Mom was at work.
"So are you beating off the boys with a stick these days or what? Or is it the photographers and agents who won't leave you alone?" I laughed. He always made fun of my modelling, but he never really disapproved. He said everyone has to try different things In life even if they lead to dead ends, which, of course, modeling usually does for most girls.
"No, not really- there's lots of girls working who are prettier and easier than me. No one's really fallen for me or anything, not genuinely, anyway." It's not something that bothered me too much. I'd seen so many of my friends get caught up in drama over dating the older men we worked with. Most of them were married- the last thing a teenage girl needs is to start getting threatening phone calls from a woman twice her age.
The men who weren't married were usually even worse, they'd fuck almost anything and never think twice about it. It makes some girls jaded, but I always saw it coming so I ever really got caught up in that bullshit. Christopher smiled with cool appreciation, "Meaning you're too smart for them. I'm not surprised. That's why I don't worry about you too much. You're maturing rather nicely, all things considered."
He always talked like that, like he was a character in an old black and white movie.
"Gosh, thanks Dad." I said it sarcastically, but then I smiled at him to show that
I appreciated the compliment. Sometimes he's a bit high strung but he seemed really relaxed that day and he wasn't working so I thought it might be a good time to bring up what I'd been wondering about. "Christopher, I don't want you to think that I'm trying to invade your privacy, or force you to talk about something you'd rather keep secret- but I think you know someone I do, Her name's Sarah." Christopher looked in my eyes, unsurprised but searching. He answered without hesitation or discomfort.
"Yes, I do. You must know Cindy, her sister. What do you want to know about it?"
I hadn't been prepared for him to be so open so I had to think for a second.
"Umm.. I guess just the basics. How long have you known her? Are you dating her? Does mom know? Have you done this before?.." I stopped myself, realizing I was getting a little carried away. He nodded his head slowly a few times before answering.
"I've actually known Sarah since she was twelve. I used to date her biological mother. This was a few years before I met your mom, when I was in my mid twenties. When her father remarried her sister Cindy moved in with him, So she doesn't really remember me. She was too young. Sarah stayed with her mom in new york and I used to visit them every couple of months or so. I stayed in contact over the years so when Sarah moved back here to stay with her dad for a while, we decided to have lunch and catch up. I guess you could say that we decided that we liked spending time together as adults enough to make it kind of a regular thing. I see her for a few hours every week or two. We're not in love, if that's what you're worried about- I've just always been interested in her as a person and I've enjoyed being a small part of her life. Your mom doesn't like it too much, of course But this isn't something new. We made a deal before we married that we'd keep this house a stable and loving environment for you but we're also independent people. We've spent most of our lives doing what we want so we have an understanding that sometimes it's best to let each other enjoy themselves outside of the home. Think about it for a minute, didn't your mom have a lot of boyfriends before we got together? Just because they stopped coming around when I moved in doesn't mean she stopped seeing them altogether."
Of course he was right. She had always called them 'friends' but I always knew the difference between a friend and a 'friend'. I also knew she still talked to a few of them but I never guessed that she might still be doing anything like that. It made sense of course, but that didn't stop it from being a bit shocking and disconcerting. I put the thought aside for a second and I pressed on.
"Don't you think it's it a bit weird to be dating the daughter of your old girlfriend? Does her mom know?" I felt like a detective, interrogating the suspect in order to uncover some strange plot that gets more twisted the more you tried to unravel it. He smiled,
"Her mom knows me pretty well. I wouldn't be surprised if Sarah's already told her and I don't think she'd be too surprised if she figured it out herself anyway. Sarah's a pretty headstrong girl and she knows what she wants. It wasn't exactly my idea to start sleeping together."
I felt a pang of jealousy at this. It felt as if this girl was trying to steal him away from us. He seemed to read my face because he spoke again quickly.
"Frances, I want to make sure you know that you're far more important to me than her. If your mom forced me to make a choice between staying here with you two or continuing this little affair than there's no question that I would stop seeing her. Your mother won't though. She's got her own little side projects to keep her busy. Remember, I married her, not Sarah's mom, which I could have. I made that choice very seriously."
Christopher looked very somber when he said this. He seldom acted so serious so it carried a lot of weight, even though it was still hard to come to grips with everything he had said.
We didn't talk about it again for the next three years. I tried to respect his words and sure enough nothing dramatic happened as the result of the affair, from what I could tell. I thought about it a lot and eventually I decided that there wasn't really anything wrong with it, as long as neither of them got too carried away. I did have to smile to myself sometimes though, when I would hear one of them make an especially transparent excuse for leaving the house for a few hours.
To tell you the rest of the story, which only gets stranger and stranger, I'll have to bring us forward again towards to the present. I was now living on my own, Taking as many modelling jobs as I could to pay the bills and build up my savings for travelling or school- I hadn't decided which yet. Mom and Christopher's separation had been a pretty quiet affair. I hadn't really talked to them much while it was going on.
After everything between them was settled I got a call from Christopher saying he wanted to take me for lunch to catch up and see how I was doing. We met at a quiet little bistro in little Italy, a place where we used to go as a family when he first came to live with us. We were both pretty quiet as we ate, splitting a pizza. Afterwards, over a couple of glasses of wine, we slowly sipped and talked. Christopher started by breaking the ice,
"So, young single girl living all alone in the city- how are you enjoying it?"
Christopher was trying to be his usual charming self but he seemed a bit subdued, as if he were under emotional strain and trying to suppress it. I assumed that the separation had affected him more than than he wanted to let on. I smiled a relaxed, reassuring smile.
"I'm really good. I realize now that I ought to have moved out sooner, life moves so much faster when you have to make all your own decisions- and It's much more exciting."
I paused for a second. I really cared about him, he'd been so good to me and I felt bad for being so wrapped up in myself since moving out.
I spoke gently, "Christopher, I want you to know how much I appreciate everything you've done for me- you've been a really wonderful person to me, growing up."
He laughed in his carefree way at my attempt at sympathy, but his eyes looked pleased, he tried to joke his way out of it.
"What, do you think I'm depressed since I split up with your mom or something? have you ever seen me depressed?" before adding sincerely, "Don't worry about me, I'm fine, really. I just wanted to make sure we don't fall out of touch. Just for the record, your mom and I are still good friends, sometimes people just need to move on." I nodded in understanding.
"I know, I talked to mom about it, a bit. Of course I'd like to stay in touch with you too. You'll always be a big part of who I am."
I meant it. I'd grown lot more sophisticated and knowledgeable, just from being around him. At only twenty I could already hang out in almost any company and converse about a broad range of subjects. People
considered me witty, well read and charming- all qualities he had nurtured in me since he first started appearing in my life.
Christopher smiled mysteriously, "It's very gratifying, in some ways you're my greatest composition to date." His tone was joking but his eyes showed that he loved knowing that it was, at least in part, true. I laughed, delighted.
"Of course mom had nothing to do with it at all, or me for that matter, huh?" He held up his hands in surrender speaking in lofty, self mocking tones.
"True, true- I'm merely the humble co-author of your destiny, dear child. Nevertheless, he looked upon his work, and he saw that it was good'. So far, so good, that is."
Christopher grinned a cheshire grin and leaned back to bask in his own cleverness.
"Good grief!" I laughed, amused but feeling like he was making quite a big to-do about it. I changed the subject strategically, "So are you still seeing Sarah? Or do you have something else going on?" He cooled a bit at that and spoke casually,
"Sarah's been living in France, learning to sculpt. We've exchanged a couple of letters but the actual affair wound down well over a year ago. We both knew it would be a short term thing- that's why it was enjoyable for both us while it lasted. As far as other things going on, I'm not really looking to start any new affairs right now. I have an idea about what would interest me, but there's nothing like it on the horizon."
The subdued quality had come back to his manner. Although he had purposefully avoided elaborating ,I couldn't keep myself from teasing him and prying at the same time.
"What's your grand idea? What would be exciting enough to entice Christopher, the great but jaded Casanova back into action?"
He chuckled, "You've learned well, Frances. You've bested me at my game and so I have to answer honestly. But remember you asked, so now you have to listen. It's not a simple desire by any means."