Compass

by Deborah Bladon

  “Nine?” Her brow furrows. “She was born before you two met?”

  I nod. “He didn’t know about her until the day he broke up with me.”

  She shoves a hand through her hair. “Wow. This is just…wow, Kate.”

  My gaze travels past her shoulder to a framed picture of her and Sebastian on their wedding day.

  Regret bites at me. I didn’t get to have that with Gage. I now know why but it doesn’t change what I felt back in those moments. I had to tell my parents, and the three hundred guests who had RSVP’d that there wasn’t going to be a celebration of the love that Gage and I shared.

  “Is he married to the little girl’s mom?”

  I turn my attention back to my best friend. “No. She lives in London with her husband and Kristin.”

  Tilly pinches her bottom lip. “He told you all of this tonight?”

  “He sent flowers to the store. I went to throw them in his face, but then he told me about his daughter.”

  She inches the wooden chair she’s sitting in closer to me. “You must be in shock. I can’t imagine what you’re feeling right now.”

  “Numb,” I say with a heave of my shoulders.

  I don’t add that a small part of me feels relief; relief that I finally know what took Gage away from me days before we were set to say our I do’s.

  Chapter 20

  Gage

  Staying home wasn’t an option after Katie left my apartment last night. I needed a distraction, so I slipped on a pair of shoes, grabbed an umbrella and took the stairs as soon as I heard the elevator doors close. I reached the lobby just in time to see her getting into the front seat of a police car.

  It took off down the street. I hit the sidewalk to walk back to Tin Anchor.

  By the time I got there, the place was packed so I jumped behind the bar to help Zeke. I served drinks and talked people through their problems until closing time.

  When I got home, I dropped into bed, but sleep didn’t come for another hour or two.

  I was restless. I couldn’t shake the look on Katie’s face when I told her about Kristin.

  The ball is in her court now. Whether she volleys it back to me is completely up to her.

  “You’re here earlier than usual.” Gus walks up behind me. “This brilliant blue sky was hiding behind those rain clouds.”

  I look up at the rising sun. “It was worth it.”

  “Storms are always worth it.” He brushes past me to sit on the bench. “Lois used to say that the darkest skies give way to the brightest days.”

  “She was a smart woman.”

  “You’re telling me?” He laughs causing the skin at the corner of his eyes to crease. “Why do you think I married her?”

  Because you loved her. Because you had faith in her love for you.

  I lacked that with Katie. It took me months to realize that. I didn’t give her a chance to respond to the news that I was a dad. I stole that from her by making a life-changing decision on my own.

  I was a twenty-four-year-old fool who saw the world through a black and white lens.

  Katie didn’t want kids. I suddenly had one.

  In my mind those two things couldn’t add up to a happy ending, so I did what I thought was best at the time.

  Gus glances at the tree behind us. “You’re on foot today?”

  I tug at the waistband of my black running shorts. I’m shirtless. My phone is strapped to my bicep so I can listen to my favorite playlist as I run through the streets of Manhattan.

  It’s an escape at the beginning of my day. The bar fills that need at the end of the day. It’s the hours in between that are the hardest.

  “I get a better workout on foot.” I laugh. “I have to work off that donut I had for breakfast.”

  “When the weather turns we should do this at the coffee shop.” Gus looks down at his watch. “I think that’ll be sometime around December, January if we’re lucky.”

  “We’ll make it happen.”

  He doesn’t show up every day, but I know that my presence brings him a sense of peace. I haven’t pried, but I sense that Gus is traveling through the latter part of his life completely alone.

  “You’ve lost weight.” He wiggles the fingers of his right hand at me.

  I pat my abs. “I’m holding steady.”

  He shakes his head. “Some of that weight that’s been on your shoulders is gone.”

  He couldn’t have spoken truer words this morning.

  I may not know where I stand with Katie, but I woke up feeling lighter for the first time in five years.

  “Confessions will do that to a man, Gus.”

  His graying brows pop up. “Amen.”

  I stare out at the East River. The only sounds around us are the traffic helicopters overheard and the light wind whipping from the north.

  “What’s her name, Gage?”

  I look down at him. “Katie.”

  “Does Katie know what she has in you?”

  A coward who couldn’t face his own truth five years ago?

  I stretch my right arm over my head. “I know that there isn’t another woman on this earth like her.”

  “She’s your Lois, is she?”

  I smile at that. It’s a bar set high in his eyes, so I answer honestly. “She’s my Lois. She’s always been and will always be my Lois.”

  ***

  “Does Kristin look like you?”

  My head lifts. After my confession last night, I prayed I would hear that sweet voice again, but I had no idea it would be this soon.

  I watch as Katie settles onto a barstool. She looks incredible. Her long blonde hair is straight. Her makeup is slightly bolder than it’s been since I walked back into her life. She’s wearing jeans and a red blouse that’s tied at the waist.

  A few men in the bar turn to look at her. It sparks envy deep within me.

  They aren’t carrying around the burden of my past mistakes with her.

  I can’t offer her a clean slate like any of them can, but I can offer her memories of two college kids desperately in love.

  I tug my phone out of the back pocket of my jeans. I scroll through the image library until I land on the most recent picture of my daughter that I have.

  I flip the phone around to show Katie the brown-haired, green-eyed ray of sunshine that I love with all of my heart.

  “This is Kristin.”

  Katie leans forward. Her eyes skim the screen. “She’s beautiful.”

  I turn the phone back to face me. The picture was taken at a playground. Kristin had just gotten off a swing. Her hair was bobbing around her shoulders. Her cheeks were flushed pink. The grin on her face was wide, revealing a missing bottom tooth.

  It’s pure joy in the form of a photograph.

  Katie studies my face. “What’s she like?”

  Staring into her eyes, I rest both of my forearms on the top of the bar. “Smart as a whip, kind, impetuous. She’s not afraid to speak her mind.”

  She breaks eye contact with me with a quick glance at a man sitting two stools away from her.

  I straighten. “I’ll make you a dirty martini.”

  “With two olives,” she says, smiling enough to part her lips.

  I set to work making her drink with a flicker of hope that I haven’t felt in years.

  Chapter 21

  Kate

  I sense Gage’s gaze on me as I check my phone yet again.

  Since he made me a martini, he’s been busy tending to the needs of the people sitting at the bar. He seems to know most of them by their first names and their preferred drinks.

  He’s chatted up both men and women, smiling at them while he prepares what they order.

  He’s a natural at this. I know he worked behind the bar at a club in Hollywood a few months before we met, but I thought that was for pocket money.

  I had no idea that less than a decade later he’d own a bar on the east coast.

  I look down at my phone when it chimes.
r />   Preston: Dinner tomorrow night?

  We’ve been texting back and forth all day. It was mostly generic messages about the weather and his schedule at work.

  He landed a big deal yesterday, so he’s in the mood to celebrate.

  I glance over to where Gage is talking to a petite brunette woman. I can see the flush of pink on her cheeks as she leans over the bar to showcase the top of her breasts.

  Her black dress is low cut and tight.

  I don’t want jealousy to nip at me but it does. Too much has happened between us for me to care if he’s flirting with someone else.

  I shouldn’t feel anything for him.

  I hate that I still do.

  Even though I now know that he left because he found out he had a four-year-old daughter, it doesn’t change the fact that he never reached out to me after that day.

  Once the dust had settled, he could have found me to explain what happened.

  I may have changed my number soon after I moved to New York City, but Gage had my parents’ phone numbers and my brother’s.

  My twisted sense of pride kept me from calling him. I promised myself that I wouldn’t be the woman who chases a man after he dumps her.

  Another message lights up my phone.

  Preston: Or we can meet for a drink tonight. I’m free all night.

  I type back a quick response.

  Kate: I’m having a martini now and one is my limit.

  Preston: Tell me where and I’ll join you.

  “I’m sorry I was pulled away.” Gage approaches, glancing at the phone in my hands. “Zeke is on his way in, so I can leave in about fifteen minutes. We can go back to my apartment to talk if you’d like.”

  I don’t want to make that a habit.

  There are so many things that I’ve always imagined saying to Gage if I saw him again. Most start with the “f” word and end with my middle finger in the air pointed in his direction.

  Finding out about Kristin may have taken the edge off of some of my anger, but I still feel emotionally spent. Seeing her face makes everything that much more real.

  Gage is a father. It’s going to take some time to digest that fact.

  “I don’t think that’s a good idea,” I say, turning the screen of my phone to shield it from his view.

  I’m not sure trudging through more of our past will make any difference to his future or mine.

  “Why not?” His gaze darts back to the brunette standing at the end of the bar. She’s still laser focused on him. “It’s not about her, is it? I don’t know her, Katie. She’s just a customer.”

  “I don’t care who she is.” I sigh heavily. “Who you talk to is none of my business. I’m leaving because I have other plans.”

  He rakes me over. “A date?”

  The tone of his voice is deeper. His jaw has tightened.

  “That’s none of your business,” I spit back, emphasizing the word your. “I only came here to ask about your daughter. I don’t know why I stayed.”

  I think I do know why.

  I want the pain I’ve been carrying with me for the past five years to go away. It may have lessened its grip on me slightly now that I know that a child was involved, but it doesn’t clean the slate.

  “You stayed because you feel what I feel.”

  “What you feel?” I question back.

  “You know what I’m talking about.” His piercing green eyes lock on my face.

  I shrug both shoulders. There’s no way in hell I’ll confess to feeling anything but anger for him. “I don’t.”

  “What do you feel when you look at me?” He crosses his arms over his chest. I don’t know if he’s doing it to show off his impressive biceps under the black Tin Anchor T-shirt he’s wearing or if it’s a defensive stance.

  I scrub my hand over my forehead. “You don’t want to know.”

  “I do.” He exhales harshly. “Tell me what you feel.”

  I tilt forward on the bar stool so I can lower my voice to barely more than a whisper. “I’m pissed that you left me and never bothered looking back. You made me feel like shit, Gage.”

  He takes a step back as if my words slapped him across the face.

  “Katie,” he whispers, searching my face with his gaze. “I thought you came here to…”

  “To what?” I interrupt him. “You thought I came because all is forgiven? I came because I wanted to see the face of your little girl. I came because I want to put all of this to rest. I came because I need this to be over for once and for all so I can go on with my life.”

  I slide off the barstool. “We can’t pretend that the past didn’t happen. It did.”

  “We can sort through it.” He rests both his palms on the bar. “We’ll sort through it together.”

  “I’ve spent five years sorting through it.” I pick up my clutch purse. “I moved across the country, made new friends, kissed a few men and learned how to love myself again.”

  I don’t give him a chance to respond. I slip through the crowd of people inside the bar and duck out the door.

  Once I’m outside I draw a deep breath into my lungs and type out a message to Preston.

  Kate: I’ll meet you at Easton Pub in twenty minutes.

  Chapter 22

  Kate

  I bounce Arleth on my knee while Olivia looks at a vintage satin wedding gown.

  “You’re already married, Liv,” I point out. “I can put that on hold for Arleth’s wedding, but I’ll tell you what I tell every mother-of-the-bride who comes into the store. Let your daughter have the last say on her dress.”

  She glances over her shoulder at me, her tongue sticking out. “Ha! I stopped by Liore today. They’re gearing up for a bridal lingerie shoot. I happen to be on a mission to find the perfect dress for the model to wear.”

  “You’re on maternity leave.” I laugh. “Shouldn’t someone else in your office be on the look-out for the perfect dress?”

  “I told them they needed to come here to find a wedding gown.” She tosses me a wink. “I want you to have the sale.”

  “Thank you,” I mouth back silently as Arleth settles into my arms.

  “If you rock her a bit she might fall asleep.”

  I look down into the face of Olivia’s daughter. I was at the hospital the night she was born. I waited anxiously in the waiting room with Alexander’s sister until he came out to announce that Arleth had arrived.

  He had tears in his eyes and the widest grin on his mouth.

  Gage never got to experience that. He didn’t know about his daughter until she was walking and talking.

  Precious moments were stolen from him.

  Olivia turns to face me. “Have you talked to Gage since you found out about his daughter?”

  I called Olivia the other night after I got home from Tilly’s house. I didn’t want her to hear about it from anyone but me. She understood how confused I was. She told me to take some time to absorb the news and that she was always around if I needed her.

  I needed her today, so I texted her and asked her to come by the boutique.

  “I saw him last night,” I whisper, not wanting to wake Arleth.

  The store closed thirty minutes ago. We planned to go to dinner, but take-out may be a better option since I could spend the entire night cradling this sleeping baby in my arms.

  “What happened?” Her hands dive into the pockets of the red jumpsuit she’s wearing.

  “I went to Tin Anchor.” I shake my head. “I thought it would help in some way if I saw a picture of his daughter.”

  “You were curious,” she states. “You wanted to put a face to the name. You wanted to see Gage’s child.”

  I nod.

  “Did it help, Kate?”

  I shrug a shoulder, trying not to disturb Arleth. “She’s a beautiful little girl. She has green eyes like Gage and long brown hair.”

  “She sounds lovely.”

  Olivia’s phone buzzes. She drops her gaze to it. “It’s a reminder o
f our dinner reservation.”

  I stare down at Arleth. “Do they deliver? I’m pretty content at the moment.”

  “I’ll order something for us.” She smiles. “I don’t want to interrupt Aunt Kate and Arleth time.”

  I pinch my eyes shut to ward off tears. Aunt Kate. That’s who I’ll be to this precious little girl when she’s old enough to speak.

  Olivia steps away to call the restaurant, so I softly sing a lullaby to Arleth.

  I love her with everything I am and I’m just her faux Aunt. I can’t imagine what Gage must feel for Kristin.

  “Let’s change the subject,” Olivia begins as she pockets her phone. “Did you take my advice and jump all over Preston the other night?”

  I chuckle. “No.”

  “Why not? The best way to get over one man is to get it on with another.”

  I shake my head, shielding my smile with a dip of my chin. “I’m not feeling a spark with him, Liv. I met him last night to tell him that.”

  “So that’s over?”

  “It’s over.” Arleth stirs. I rock her softly as I elaborate, “I didn’t want to lead him on. He’s a great guy.”

  “There’s still a spark somewhere inside of there for Gage, isn’t there?” She points at my chest.

  I look down at the front of the light blue dress I’m wearing. “There shouldn’t be after all this time, should there?”

  “I’ll take that as a yes.”

  “It’s not a yes.”

  “It’s a no?” She volleys back.

  “I don’t know,” I answer honestly.

  I’ve thought about Gage a lot since last night. If I’m being honest, he’s all I’ve thought about since I left Tin Anchor and went across town to Easton Pub to break off my not-quite-dating relationship with Preston.

  “You know.” Her head snaps to the right at the sound of a knock on the boutique’s doors. “They said they’d have the food here in no time. They weren’t kidding.”

  “My credit card is in my purse.” I gesture toward my office with my chin.

  “I have cash.” She leans down to root around in her bag for her wallet. “Tonight is my treat.”