Compass

by Deborah Bladon

  “I have something better.” I toss my hair over my shoulder. “I have an annoying best friend. A well-meaning best friend, but she’s super annoying right now.”

  A broad smile takes over her mouth. “I kept him here, didn’t I?”

  “He should be at home,” I point out as I glance over to where Gage is still sitting on the sofa.

  He’s spent the last hour listening to Tilly talk about all of the furry patients she took care of today.

  His gaze kept catching on mine. Part of me was glad he stayed, but the other part wanted him gone so I could talk freely and openly with Tilly about what almost happened earlier.

  I would have had sex with Gage if she hadn’t shown up.

  I know it.

  I have zero doubt about that.

  “Think of it this way, Kate.” Tilly wraps an arm around my shoulder. “You got the kiss out of the way and it was a relief. Just imagine how much better you’ll feel once you fuck him.”

  I shush her with a finger over her lips. “You did not just say that.”

  She pushes my finger away. “The sexual tension in here almost melted the gelato. It’s hot, hot, hot.”

  “It’s not,” I argue.

  “Take him to bed with you.” She gestures down the hallway. “What harm can come from it?”

  I’ll fall back in love with him.

  I’m already halfway there; maybe more than halfway.

  “You don’t want to get hurt.” She tucks a strand of my hair behind my ear. “I know that’s holding you back, but you’re not the same girl he dumped. You’re a kick-ass woman who can handle her emotions.”

  “Am I?” I question with a laugh.

  “You’re attracted to him, aren’t you?”

  I look over to where Gage is sitting. He’s thumbing through a bridal magazine that I brought home from work for research.

  He’s gorgeous. The martinis are out of my system, and I still want him just as badly as I did when he walked into my apartment tonight.

  “He’s good-looking.”

  “So sleep with him.” She rolls her eyes. “I need to stop hanging out with Olivia. I’m starting to sound like her.”

  I throw my head back in laughter. “Olivia told me to be careful with my heart.”

  “I’m with her on that, but this is sex.” She turns us both so we’re facing Gage. “Maybe you’ll get into bed with him and it will be nothing like you remember. He could be a dud.”

  There’s no way in hell that’s true. He’s the best lover I’ve ever had and even though I’m afraid to admit it, I crave his touch as desperately now as I did the first time we made love.

  “Or maybe once you have sex you’ll realize he’s the man you’re destined to be with,” she says quietly. “You won’t know until you take the plunge so do it, Kate.”

  Chapter 32

  Gage

  If Tilly hadn’t shown up tonight, I would have taken Katie right there on her sofa.

  I was so close to sliding down her body to taste her.

  I sat through gelato and a discussion about Tilly’s work. Then I pretended not to notice how long they hung back in the kitchen.

  I could hear their muffled voices, but I couldn’t make out one damn word.

  Tilly took off just now after hugging Katie. She promised that she’d stop by Tin Anchor one night with her husband.

  I told her that the first round would be on the house.

  That brought a smile to her face.

  I like her.

  I can tell that she’s a good friend to the woman I love.

  Katie turns back from the door to face me.

  I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable about where we were headed earlier, so I step in and offer something I sense she needs. “I’m going to head out too.”

  “You’re leaving?” The surprise in her tone catches me off guard.

  I’d question if she wants me to stay, but I don’t want there to be an ounce of regret the morning after.

  The only thing I want her to feel after we fuck is a need for more.

  “I’m going home.”

  Her hands fist in front of her. “Should we talk about what happened?”

  I close the distance between us with measured steps. “The kiss.”

  “We almost…” her voice trails. “I think we might have done more than kiss if Tilly hadn’t stopped by.”

  “We would have done more than kiss.” I bring a hand to her chin. “We would have fucked.”

  Her lips part, a small moan seeping out between them. “Gage.”

  I trace her bottom lip with the pad of my thumb. “I want you, Katie.”

  “It’s been a long time since we were together.” She looks up into my face. “It wouldn’t be the same.”

  “It would be better.” I slide my hand to cup her cheek. “It would be so fucking good.”

  Her lips thin into a straight line. “You think it would be better because we have more experience now?”

  Regret slices through me like a hot knife. I’m the reason she has more experience. It’s my fucking fault that she’s been with other men.

  “Katie.” I pause, trying to find the words to tell her that I don’t want to look into the past. I want to focus on what’s in front of me right now and I want her to do the same thing.

  Her eyes lock on mine. “There were a lot, weren’t there? It’s been five years. You’ve slept with a lot of women since we…”

  “Katie.” Her name escapes me in a growl. “Stop.”

  “I’ve been with a few men.” Her gaze drops. “Just a handful. All of them here in New York.”

  Christ. Please, fucking stop.

  “We don’t have to do this.” I quiet her with a soft kiss to her lips. “We don’t.”

  “How many, Gage?” Her lips tremble against mine. “Just tell me how many.”

  I kiss her again, deeper this time. I taste her breath, slide my tongue along hers and claim her with my mouth the way I’ve wanted to for the past five years.

  “Please,” she whispers as the kiss breaks. “I have to know.”

  I gather her close to me, tucking her head under my chin the way I did when I needed her to know the profound depth of my love for her.

  My arms circle her. Her hands rest against my back.

  “Why won’t you tell me?” She sighs.

  I lean back so I can look down into her hazel eyes. “Because you’ll understand just how fucked up I’ve been.”

  Compassion swims in her gaze. “I want to understand. How many?”

  I swallow back my hesitation and answer the question. “None, Katie. The last time was with you.”

  ***

  Her eyes search mine for something. She’s looking for a sign that I’m speaking the truth.

  The fact that my cock is hard as stone should be her first clue that I haven’t fucked a woman in half a decade.

  I tried.

  Jesus, did I try.

  I never got past a kiss or a handful of a clothed tit.

  Not one of the women I’ve met since I left California could compare to my Katie.

  It wasn’t a conscious choice to abstain from sex, but that’s the journey I took.

  I jerked off almost daily to the mental images I stored of Katie’s naked body, or her mouth on my cock.

  I fucked my hand thinking about being inside her tight pussy.

  It was enough because it had to be.

  I don’t know how long I could have maintained it, but I never thought far ahead. I got through each day with the hope that I’d find her again.

  “You haven’t been with a woman?” Tears well in the corner of her eyes. “Gage… I don’t know what… are you serious?”

  I brush a tear from her cheek. “I’m dead serious.”

  She shakes her head, her gaze dropping to the front of my jeans and the outline of my erection. “I didn’t know.”

  “I tried to find you.” I shove a hand through my hair. “I never gave up hope that I
would. I was harassing Eldred every few weeks. Eventually, he would have given up your location.”

  Her mouth drops open.

  I know that it’s news to her. I haven’t brought it up before now because damaging their sibling bond isn’t my intention.

  I didn’t see the need to confess that I still call Eldred. He rarely answers. That doesn’t deter me.

  “You talk to Eldred?”

  “I try.” I huff out a laugh. “He’s usually too busy to take or return my calls.”

  “I need to call him.” Her gaze darts back to the coffee table where her phone is. “He had no right.”

  “He loves you,” I say because I know that her brother was only trying to protect her. “He thought it was his place to keep you safe.”

  “From you?” She taps her hand on my chest. “I’m the only one who gets to decide whether I talk to you or not.”

  “You’re talking to me now.” I cup her hands in mine and bring them to my mouth. I plant a soft kiss on her palm. “We’ll talk until we’ve said everything that needs to be said.”

  She looks directly into my eyes. “We will.”

  I tug her back into my chest, wrapping my arms around her. “I’m going to go so you can sleep.”

  She nods.

  I plant a kiss on the top of her head. “I’ll call you soon.”

  “Tomorrow, Gage?” She tilts her head back to look up at me. “Call me tomorrow.”

  I press my lips against hers in a slow kiss. “Tomorrow it is.”

  Chapter 33

  Kate

  “Marry him,” Tilly says, clapping her hands in glee. “He waited for you. Oh my God, he waited for you. This is so romantic.”

  “Once he gets his hands on you, you won’t be able to walk for a week. Five years of pent up sexual need is inside of that man,” Olivia jumps in, tossing me a wink.

  “That’s hot.” Tilly fans her hand in front of her face. “The sex is going to be incredible.”

  I glance down at Arleth sleeping in her stroller. “We shouldn’t be talking about this in front of the baby.”

  “The baby is dreaming about her favorite stuffed bear.” Olivia pats a hand over Tilly’s forearm. “She loves that bear, Tilly. Thank you again for that.”

  I sip on the lemonade I ordered after we were seated at an outdoor table.

  Olivia called me just after seven this morning with a million questions about Gage. Tilly had texted her on the way home from my apartment last night.

  I told her I’d meet her for lunch. She’s the one who invited Tilly to join us at one of her favorite restaurants. It’s just down the street from Alexander’s music school.

  “When are you going to take him to bed?” Olivia doesn’t pull any punches. “That needs to happen today.”

  “The sooner the better,” Tilly agrees with a nod of her head. “Invite him over to your place tonight. I promise I’ll stay home.”

  I laugh out loud. “It’s not happening tonight.”

  “Why not?” They ask in unison.

  I shake my head. “I need time to process everything.”

  The server approaches with our order of nachos. He strikes up a conversation with Olivia about Alexander’s recent interview on a podcast he listens to. It’s obvious he knows that Olivia’s husband is one of the preeminent orchestra conductors in the world.

  Olivia promises that she’ll bring her husband in for one lunch day soon. That’s enough to get the server to offer a free dessert to each of us.

  “I love your husband,” Tilly says once the server has walked away. “He’s such a big deal that I get a free brownie.”

  Olivia giggles. “I’m having cheesecake.”

  I’m having a crisis.

  It started last night when Gage confessed that he hasn’t had sex in five years.

  I tossed and turned the night away thinking about that.

  I was hesitant the first time I got into bed with a man after our breakup, but I knew I had to move on.

  I enjoyed the sex I’ve had since our engagement ended. I don’t feel guilty about it, although I know I wouldn’t have pursued anything with another man if I had known Gage was looking for me.

  Eldred got a piece of my mind after Gage left last night and another dose of my anger this morning.

  My brother told me that he was looking out for me. He saw the pain I was in after Gage left me, and he wanted to shield me from that.

  I get it.

  I hate it, but I understand it.

  Our bond is strong, but it’s going to take time for me to accept what he did.

  Maybe Gage and I wouldn’t have gotten back together, but we didn’t have the chance to explore that because Eldred stood watch over my heart.

  “I know that I’ve been telling you to be careful, Kate.” Olivia elbows me. “But I don’t know many men who would step away from sex because of a woman they haven’t seen in years.”

  I spread my white linen napkin over my lap, covering my red skirt.

  “I think you should throw caution to the wind.” Tilly circles her hand in the air. “You only live once. Second chances are rare so take this one and run with it.”

  A soft whimper from the stroller lures all of our gazes to Arleth’s face.

  She opens her blue eyes, immediately locking them on her mom.

  “We’ll continue this discussion later,” Olivia says, scooping her daughter into her arms. “I need to feed this little sweetheart and we have to eat the nachos before they get cold. They are Alexander’s absolute favorite things in the world. Take a bite and you’ll see why.”

  I dive into lunch and listening mode as Olivia tells us about how close Arleth came to rolling over this morning.

  I eat and watch my two best friends interact. They’ve forged a bond of their own since they met through me. I’m grateful for moments like this when we’re altogether.

  I’m just about to tell them that when my phone chimes in my purse.

  I slide it out and read the simple text message.

  Gage: A penny for your thoughts?

  I stare down at the screen, tears misting my vision.

  I look up, but Tilly and Olivia are so focused on the cute noises Arleth is making that they don’t notice the emotion that is crashing around me.

  I type back the response I always gave him when he asked me that question.

  Kate: A dollar for your dreams?

  I rest my phone in my lap and hold my breath, waiting for him to reply.

  Chapter 34

  Gage

  A dollar for your dreams?

  She remembers.

  When we lived together in California, I’d write messages to Katie on our bathroom mirror using the tube of red lipstick she always kept in the medicine cabinet.

  Sometimes I’d scribble out a simple I love you or Let’s fuck.

  The messages were reflective of my mood.

  One of them was in the form of a question: A penny for your thoughts?

  I’d leave that for her when she was quiet or pensive.

  She never gave me a direct answer.

  It was always a question to counter mine.

  She did the same thing today via text.

  The urge to call her and tell her that every single one of my dreams involves her is strong, but I drop my phone on the top of the bar and take a breath.

  I’m at Tin Anchor early today to take care of some paperwork. The only patron we have is a brown-haired guy in a suit who looks like his world just exploded.

  He’s on his second glass of whiskey.

  He’s tight-lipped and moody, but I’m not complaining about the silence.

  “I need another,” he calls out in a low voice. “Bring me the bottle.”

  I know better than that. This guy doesn’t need another drink. He needs an ear to listen to him gripe about whatever is fucking up his life right now.

  I pour him another two fingers of whiskey before I put the bottle back behind the bar.

  He dow
ns half the drink in a swallow.

  I head back to my phone and type out a response to Katie.

  Gage: My dream at the moment is to cook you dinner tonight. Keep the dollar.

  I press send, trusting that the last three words will bring a smile to her lips.

  They did when she was twenty-two and desperately in love with me.

  “You’re happy.” The guy in the suit comments from his bar stool. “It’s got to be a woman who put that smile on your face.”

  The third drink is the charm with this guy. He’s finally cracked open.

  I walk back to where he’s sitting. “It’s a woman.”

  “A woman put me here.” He pats the top of the bar. “I never thought I’d get this torn up about her.”

  I’ve had this conversation enough times to know that he wants me to ask a follow-up question, so I do. “What’s her name?”

  “Gina.” He exhales. “Gina Calvetti.”

  I pick up a bar towel and start wiping down a row of wine glasses. “What’s Gina Calvetti like?”

  “Like a perfect storm that blows in when all you think you need is calm.” He takes another sip from the glass. “She’s beautiful chaos.”

  He’s as far gone for this woman as I am for Katie.

  “Have you told Gina that?” I question with a raised brow. “Does she know how you feel?”

  “No.” He finishes what’s left at the bottom of his glass.

  “Why not?” I realize the irony in my question as soon as I ask it. I’m the coward who couldn’t tell Katie how I really felt before I broke her heart.

  I wanted her and I wanted my daughter.

  If I had spoken those words five years ago, I might not have lost all this time with her.

  “She’s my best friend’s little sister.” He pushes the glass at me. “She’s forbidden fruit.”

  Katie’s brother was never my best friend, but we had a bond, so I give this guy the best advice I can.

  “Tell her how you feel.” I scrub a hand over the back of my neck. “You can’t know how the chips will fall until you’re dealt the hand. Her brother may surprise you.”