I Think I Really Do Have an Ulcer

by Geoffrey Watson

  “He shall not send his infantry without cavalry intelligence, Sir Joshua. Pray make your arrangements.”

  Aye, aye, My Lord. May I borrow Colonel Anstruthers and his regiment of light dragoons?”

  Wellington’s eyebrows rose. “You are asking for help, Welbeloved? Is it to be as before, then?”

  Not exactly, My Lord. I don’t think that we need to show them our strength or even to bluff them about it. I am merely concerned that the Hornets have recently given them cause to avoid confrontation with mounted lines of men wearing our uniforms. Anstruthers shall be very happy to tempt their horsemen as they come up onto the plateau, where eight hundred Hornets shall be hidden.

  Marmont is already nervous when he finds yew in a defensive position. I suspect that we have a chance of making his cavalry think the same way about us, if they come in strength.”

  Very soon afterwards, Davison brought his company back. He had been playing an exciting game, keeping out of sight of all the French scouts, while trying to remain close enough to the advancing cavalry to be of assistance to Evans and his platoon, should they get into difficulties. Evans was openly tolerant and patient about his captain’s concerns.

  Welbeloved was not fooled for a second. “It is no reflection on yor skills, Dai Evans. Just be grateful that someone in the brigade thinks that yew are worth waiting for!”

  The news he brought was certainly worth the wait. No Frenchman had moved on the other side of the Águeda. All that Marmont was bringing against them was a couple of divisions of infantry and most of his cavalry, many with raw and partially trained horses. They no longer had even a majority.

  It is possible that Wellington might have been tempted to give battle. Maybe he would if he hadn’t thought that a victory would have brought all the marshals in Spain, seeking revenge, when all he wanted was time to besiege and capture Ciudad Rodrigo.

  He knew that Marmont could not keep his army in the area any longer. His food would run out and he was supposed to be replenishing the town, not leaving them on starvation rations.

  All he did was put the army on the alert and leave it to the Hornets.

  As soon as he heard what force the marshal was bringing, Welbeloved’s first thought was ‘why is he bothering?’ He decided that it could only be a parting gesture. A move that told Wellington that this was the sort of force that could be brought against him at the merest whim. A statement that he was far too busy to deal with him properly at the moment and please do not disturb him again until the Spring.

  If that was indeed so, he had to pause and consider whether the violent response he was planning to any aggressive cavalry reconnaissance, should infuriate Marmont to the point of a full-scale attack. He decided that it was unlikely and that with only two divisions of infantry, Lord Wellington would be inclined to consider it a mere skirmish.

  He was still debating with himself on this, when he went to find his old friend Colonel Anstruthers and his colourful regiment of light dragoons, who seemed likely to be renamed hussars in the French style, if the Horse Guards decided to bow to the wishes of the commanding officers of such regiments.

  He was standing with Anstruthers and MacKay, watching the French arriving in the distance. It was already evening and the campfires that were appearing all about suggested that nothing was likely to happen before the morning. Marmont himself had not yet come to study the new position and the couple of squadrons of chasseurs had merely paraded past to establish the presence of the rosbifs and had made no effort to ride up the slope to the plateau.

  “I hope yor pretty fellows did not mind taking their constitutionals at this hour, Angus? I did hope to impress the Frogs that this was the stage that they should have to perform upon and that we are alert against any tricks they may try.”

  “Not at all, Sir Joshua. It may do them good to get a modicum of exercise, and if you think they look pretty now, wait until the new year. Our colonel-in-chief is determined that we are to be hussars and had already been toad-eating to the Prince Regent, asking him to advise on the design of our new uniform.

  I have tried to tell him how practical and successful your Hornets have been, but nothing will do but that it convinces him that cavalry have to be seen in order to be effective. The brighter the colours and the more uncomfortable the uniform, the more elite the regiment apparently. All I can think about is how all the gunners on a battlefield love to see a brightly coloured target and I don’t exclude our own side from that.”

  MacKay snorted a laugh. “Ye could always borrow some o’ our overalls and cloaks, Angus. Use ‘em for fighting and keep your pretties for the parade ground.”

  “Believe me, Hamish, I have thought of that and my young officers are now very professional, but they joined the cavalry initially for the social cachet, their love of hunting and the pretty uniforms; as you so aptly describe them. The fact that the cost of their commissions meant that papa probably owns whatever county he lives in, is quite incidental.”

  MacKay frowned thoughtfully. “I do seem tae remember, Angus, that when we first met you, it was the most colourful uniform I had ever seen and you were a major in a light cavalry regiment.”

  Anstruthers had the grace to blush. “Guilty as charged, Hamish and do believe that every thing I have just said applied to me. You have to bear in mind, however, that at that time I had not been exposed to the Hornets. In fact, as I recall, nobody called you Hornets until the Spanish themselves heard of your exploits.

  I also recall that you were only a most insubordinate sergeant on that occasion and now we both hold the same rank. It shows that my instincts have remained true. I found you terrifying then and am not sure that it is not so, even now.”

  Welbeloved had kept quiet during the exchange, but felt it was now time to have his say. “It may interest yew to know, my friends, that I have always been aware of the remarkably similar qualities that yew both exhibit. Hamish cannot chide yew, Angus, about yor colourful apparel. When I first met him, he was happily fighting the French, wearing a vivid red tunic and broad white crossbelts.”

  MacKay grunted. “I also remember that when we first went ashore in Egypt or Syria, I had tae shade my eyes frae the quite startling range o’ colours in those Turkish robes you wore.”

  “Be fair, Hamish, I only wore them the once, to blend in with the locals.”

  “So you did, Sir Joshua. Though blending in is nae an expression that comes readily tae mind for the colours in those robes.”

  Welbeloved turned to Anstruthers almost plaintively. “I understand why yew used the word insubordinate, Angus. He’s been like that for the last twelve years. Even George Vere is more respectful.”

  Anstruthers laughed aloud. “Not by more than half, he’s not, Sir Joshua, but you can always rely on me to be polite. You have taught me almost everything useful I know about soldiering. I could never be so ungrateful.”

  “Tell me that again tomorrow, Angus. I intend to use yor regiment in all its glory, to attract the Frogs, like moths to a candle and hope we may singe them in the same way. I expect we shall see them on the move at dawn, but there has been no sign of Marmont yet. I can’t imagine there shall be anything of moment taking place before he has a look.

  There is plenty of room on the plateau for yew to entertain us with a few cavalry exercises when it is light. The Hornets shall be in position, deployed all round the rim before dawn. Put on a pretty display and draw the moths to yor candles.”

  * * *

  The French were astir before dawn. So were the Hornets and Anstruthers’s light dragoons. The difference was that the French made a lot of noise, needing bugles and drums to rouse all their people.

  Wellington’s army was also standing to. He had several thousand men ready to flood out onto the plateau if matters got more serious that he expected. His confidence in the abilities of the Hornets was also high, although that didn’t stop him having twenty or more guns waiting in case they were needed, though Welbeloved had asked that they be k
ept out of sight. He didn’t want the French cavalry to hold back, should they think they were likely to get a mauling from the guns.

  As the sun came up, Welbeloved, MacKay and Gonçalves were standing together, concealed from the valley floor by a small, rocky outcrop, near the middle of the rim. It was only big enough to hide less than a platoon of Hornets, although it was useful enough to split any attack into two separate masses.

  Gonçalves’ Portuguese occupied all the ground to the left and MacKay commanded the First Battalion of Hornets on the right. At sun-up, they stood together with eyes glued to their small field telescopes, waiting for Marmont to put in an appearance and decide what he was going to do.

  His army, infantry and cavalry, was deployed across the valley opening, leading up to the plateau and it was MacKay who spoke aloud the thoughts that had occurred to both the others.

  “Evans got it right yesterday. There are only twa divisions o’ foot soldiers and a couple o’ brigades o’ cavalry down there, but I had nae realised before this, how little space they take when they are standing together in blocks. Why, if ye squeezed an entire division together in a square, it would only measure seventy men tae a side.”

  Welbeloved agreed. Standing well above, gave them a different perspective. “By the same argument, Hamish, if yew put two square divisions together, yew have a French fighting column seventy men across and a hundred and forty deep. Ten thousand men advancing on yew at the pas de charge. Don’t forget, it has whipped the best armies in Europe---except ours,” he added thoughtfully.

  There was a stir down below. Marmont and his staff appeared. Welbeloved looked for Dorsenne, but although there was an abundance of exotic uniforms, the commander of the Army of the North could not be seen among them.

  Marmont studied the whole area in front of him. It told him hardly anything and their glasses showed clearly his attitude of angry frustration.

  Welbeloved was talking softly to himself. “Come on, Marmont. Yew know yew are wasting yor time. Yew shall be slaughtered if yew attack us and shall look stupid if yew do nothing. Send in some of yor horsemen to thrash these pretty light dragoons. Then yew can go back to Salamanca and claim a victory. Just like Masséna did after Fuentes!”

  MacKay and Gonçalves looked at each other and grinned, although it looked as though Marmont had heard, as aides went galloping off toward his waiting host.

  They followed them with their telescopes to see who was getting the orders. It may be the cavalry, but how many of them?

  Only the groups of horsemen out in front of the infantry started to move forward into position. No more than three or four regiments. Say ten to a dozen squadrons, or something over a thousand sabres.

  It brought a murmur of satisfaction from Welbeloved, who pointed to the squadron of cuirassiers. “It is well that yew get back to yor men now, Gentlemen, we have something to learn. Select yor marksmen. The ones that yew want to pit against those latter day knights. I want to know the effect on the breastplates of rifles at two hundred yards and our muskets at a hundred yards. If they deflect our balls, shoot the horses.”

  The two men got back to their battalions just as the French heavy cavalry started to walk to the base of the slope. They seemed entirely composed of dragoons and the squadron of cuirassiers; all big men with big sabres, on big horses, chosen to ride over the light dragoons by weight alone.

  Welbeloved watched carefully as each separate squadron fitted itself into the single, wide column that would continue to walk up the slope until it could break into a trot near the top and a canter when they reached the plateau.

  The cuirassiers were close to the centre in the vanguard. It was still anybody’s guess whether they would move to the right or the left of Welbeloved’s outcrop. That would determine whether MacKay’s men or the Portuguese got the chance to experiment.

  MacKay had noticed this too. Dai Evans dropped down beside Welbeloved. “Compliments of Colonel MacKay, Sir. If those iron soldiers on the other side of these rocks should ride, he shall wish me to use my Ferguson on them and submits that you may enjoy being my shooting partner.”

  “What a good idea, Dai. I have to keep track of what is going on, so yew take first pot and then point out my target for me.” he paused. “I wager they are going left and I reckon they’re now at three hundred yards and no wind.”

  As the attackers were still walking their mounts, both MacKay and Gonçalves had held off from attacking the dragoons, but now whistles came from both of them and the first ragged volleys from half the Hornets was followed a few seconds later by the other half.

  It was sheer slaughter. The front files of the columns of dragoons melted away under a hail of bullets, leaving the cuirassiers riding by themselves in front of the survivors of the dragoons following them and in the middle of a mass of riderless horses and fallen riders. Evans yelled out: “The iron vests have stopped! Shoot now or not at all!”

  Welbeloved was too occupied to do so, but the Hornets chosen to deal with the cuirassiers had come to the same conclusion at the same time. Half the squadron was swept from the saddle by the force of the impact of the balls, whether they had penetrated the armour or not.

  A long, sustained blast on Welbeloved’s whistle stopped the hail of bullets and set the light dragoons into a canter, pouring through the four prearranged gaps in the Hornet positions and downhill at speed into the shattered remains of the heavy cavalry.

  Those that were able; rather than face this torrent of horseflesh and sabres, turned and fled, leaving the light dragoons to hack and harry the few unfortunates back to the base of the slope. There, a persistent bugle broke off the pursuit and set them to sweeping back up the hill, shepherding loose horses and dismounted prisoners in front of them.

  Only just in time, as the rest of the French cavalry moved forward spontaneously to avenge the massacre and reclaim a little credit by chasing the light dragoons back to the plateau, almost exactly as Welbeloved had planned things. Although even he was shocked by the totality of the initial slaughter.

  He felt that it had been a bad tempered affair from the beginning. The chasing French cavalry were not going to risk going too far up the hill to seek revenge and retired with much bad grace. Marmont took his army away, without waiting even for a truce to pick up his wounded. Ciudad was left replenished, but left it was, as the French returned to Salamanca and Wellington re-established his loose cordon.

  The tests that Welbeloved had wanted to make had been marred by the sheer deadliness of the fire of his massed rifles. The cuirassiers had not come closer than three hundred yards and at that range, the troopers had been knocked from their saddles by the force of impact of the balls.

  Only the Bakers had managed to penetrate the breastplate, as could be determined by the size of the holes. The calibre of the Baker was 0.60 inch as against the 0.68 inch of the Ferguson. Welbeloved believed that the smaller ball had better penetration properties, while the larger was more likely to flatten.

  After packing captured breastplates with sand, they found his guess was generally correct. Up to two fifty yards, both punched holes, but the Baker managed it at fifty to sixty yards more.

  When they faced any more cuirassiers, they would know that the horses would have to be the target at two hundred and fifty yards or more.

  CHAPTER 7

  “When one considers, Sir Joshua, that the Board of Admiralty and the Horse Guards are the people who order the destiny of the two arms of England’s armed forces and that when those forces need clear and precise orders, given after clear and precise thinking if they are to succeed in any enterprise; one is entitled to confide that our masters shall have clear and precise thoughts; but not a bit of it.”

  The commander-in-chief was taking the opportunity of venting his feelings while the two men were dining together, nearly a week after Marmont had returned to Salamanca.

  It had taken that long for Welbeloved to accept the invitation that Wellington had given. In fact, it was a written n
ote from his commander, fixing a date when they could eat and talk privately, that finally got them together.

  Welbeloved grinned widely. “It is a badly kept secret that yor opinion of the clear and incisive thinking of some of yor general officers can never be published. I believe that to include some of yor superiors when yew first landed in Portugal.

  It has to be remembered that it is those general officers, or some like them, perhaps twenty years older, who are in the majority at the Horse Guards and also at the Admiralty.

  As yor anger appears to include my masters as well as yors, am I able to assume that it is an act of omission and not commission concerning the Hornets that has provoked yor wrath?”

  Wellington expelled his breath in one enormous sigh of exasperation. “I tell you things that I never mention to anyone else, Welbeloved. I am beginning to realise that I do so because your intelligence gathering is at least as good as mine and you have very rarely been wrong when working out what I intend to do.

  Occasionally, I start to think that when we differ, it may be that your idea is the superior.

  That it is not so on this occasion is more to do with your own unconventional attitude and its affect on your career. I asked for information about you after your superlative performance at Talavera, but only recently have I understood why you remained a lieutenant for so long with Cockburn, when promotion was yours without question on several occasions. Admiral Lord Keith was particularly keen to sponsor you and his experience of combined army and navy operations is something I have studied most carefully.

  I don’t think that rank or status has ever been very important to you, even to this day. Tell me frankly: you and Cockburn had become an unbeatable team and you did not want that to change. Am I correct?”

  Welbeloved was starting to feel vaguely uncomfortable. For once, he was quite unable to guess where all this was leading. He shrugged. “Yew are correct, My Lord, in that I did not look for any change. Cockburn is a brilliant sailor. I could never match him in that field, but he got a ball in the leg at Tenerife and I handled all the operations on land. As yew say, we were a good team and if I had sought promotion we should have been separated.