We Will Gain Our Fury

by Nicole Thorn

  Zander sagged. He put his chin in his hands and kind of stared off into the street. “Well, at least they won’t kill us.”

  Juniper hesitantly pat him on the back. “That’s right, Zander. Always look on the bright side.” He smiled at her and shook his head. The two of them went back inside, to check on Jasmine, who might be trying to squish herself into the cabinets to get away from the rats in the wall right about now.

  “I used to not know anyone aside from Zander that was nothing but human,” Kezia said. “Those were simpler times.”

  I smiled. “If it makes you feel better, I’m still mostly human. Sure, I get visions on occasion and objects whisper to me and if anyone found out, I’d be thrown in a mental institution, but I’m still mostly human.”

  Kezia smiled at me. “You’re a little pessimistic aren’t you? Maybe people would want to know what their oven was saying to them and they’d pay you a lot of money to do it.”

  I just looked at her until she started laughing.

  Ψ

  In line with my current bid for health, I wouldn’t let myself go more than two days without sleep. I wasn’t sure how it would work out, but I was hoping my body would adjust and demand what it needed. If not, maybe Kezia could knock me out with some of the plants she’d grown around the house. Almost all the pots were full of something and Juniper was thinking about putting a greenhouse outside for her. She was mostly debating whether or not she could handle it.

  Anyway, Kezia went off to her room and I went to mine. I changed for bed, putting on pajama bottoms, but no shirt and got under the covers. I’d barely laid down when my phone went off. Sighing, I grabbed it and hit the talk button. “Hello?” I asked, even though I suspected who it was.

  “Jasper,” my father said, reserve in his voice. Yeah, he’s the one who should be concerned about talking to me. That makes as much sense as a pink elephant. “I called Juniper about the money that you guys owe me and she told me that I needed to talk with you. So, I’m talking with you.”

  I rubbed my face. This was a great way to fall asleep. “Yeah,” I said. “I did tell her to have you talk with me.”

  “Why?”

  “Because I didn’t want you getting on her case.”

  “Why would I do that?” he asked. There was serious anger in his voice now. Not enough to start the panic and the voice in my head telling me that I was a terrible son and deserved whatever I got. But damned close. We always feared our father’s anger growing up. He never hit the girls and only really hit me when I did something ‘to deserve it’. Like not talking. But avoiding his anger was an ingrained instinct now.

  It was too bad I have to ignore that instinct. “Because we aren’t giving you anymore money,” I said.

  There was a silence on the other end. “You mean for the fence?” he asked, voice carefully neutral.

  “No, we’ll pay for the fence. We did the damage, so we’ll pay for that. The exact amount that it costs,” I said. I didn’t intend on letting Kezia pay for it, but that was a fight for tomorrow. “We’ll pay after we see the bill, so we know that you aren’t taking extra money. After that, you’re cut off.”

  “Excuse me?!” he demanded. My free hand balled into a fist. I reminded myself, a few times, that I knew this was going to happen and that I had to at least keep calm. Strangely enough, instead of slinking back into myself like I’d normally do in this situation, I wanted to scream right back at my father.

  “No more,” I said. “We’ve decided that you don’t deserve the money.”

  “I gave up my life for you!” he yelled. “Everything just to be tied down to a bunch of brats who—”

  “I gotta go Dad,” I said and hung up before he could say anything else. Well, that was only difficult. I turned the phone on Do Not Disturb and plugged it in. Then I lay back down. I turned onto my side after about thirty minutes. Then onto my other side after another thirty minutes. I was tired, but my mind kept chewing on the conversation. I knew this probably wasn’t the end with him.

  A thin slice of light broke the darkness. I turned over to see the bedroom door cracked opened and Kezia peeking in, looking unsure of herself. I sat up immediately. “You okay?” I asked.

  “Yeah,” she said, nudging the door open a little more. “I was hoping you’d be asleep.” She was dressed in a large shirt and sleep shorts. I could just barely see the hem of them under the shirt, so her long, lovely legs were on display. Her hair hung loose around her face, making her look oddly vulnerable.

  “Trying,” I said. “Do you need anything?”

  She shuffled her feet and almost whispered, “Could I… sleep in here… maybe?”

  Again, I wondered if something went wrong, but I didn’t bother asking. I pulled the covers back, revealing the empty side of the bed. “Come on,” I said, gesturing her forward. I think the very lack of hesitance is what made her finally relax.

  She gently closed the door and padded further into my room. She slid her legs underneath the covers and I pulled them up to her chin, covering everything but her face. Leaning over her, I kissed her forehead. “Goodnight.”

  “Night,” she mumbled, already mostly asleep.

  I settled back into the bed, feeling the warmth of her under the sheet. It soaked into my bones and I relaxed almost completely. My arm was kind of limply around her waist, but the contact was enough. I felt her drift off, her hand resting on my forearm. I slipped away right after.

  28: Trust

  Kezia

  It was the first time in a long time that I woke up next to someone that wasn’t Zander. At least, this close to someone. I dozed off in Jasper’s bed once before, but we weren’t like this. Jasper was holding me and I wasn’t even scared. I was just happy.

  I shoved at Jasper’s shoulder, waking him up. I was nice. I waited a whole hour first. Then he breathed in and looked down at me. I was nuzzled against his chest, with my head on his arm.

  “Hello,” he greeted me with a sleepy voice. “Did you sleep well?”

  I smiled up at him. “I did. You?”

  “Me too. I like having you here with me.”

  And I like that Jasper doesn’t sleep with a shirt on. But if I said that, it might get me into some trouble. Trouble that might not be so bad, actually.

  I rolled over and onto Jasper. He was a good sport, letting me do it. He was always very nice in that regard, never pushing me away. I couldn’t imagine it was very easy dating me.

  I pressed myself against him and leaned down. My hair fell in every direction, but it went ignored. Our lips parted right after they met and it was lovely. I didn’t know how we didn’t just spend all of our time kissing. It was one of my favorite things to do.

  Hands went up my legs, hips and shirt before resting on my waist. I wasn’t sure how long we were like that, but it was hard stopping. I was panting when I sat up on Jasper.

  “Not a bad way to wake up.” He smiled.

  Yeah, I could tell. I was sitting right on him and he was in fairly thin pajama pants. It only made me feel guilty for working him up and not doing anything about it. It’s only going to keep happening. How long before he got sick of it?

  Jasper’s face lost the happiness it had a few moments before. “What’s wrong?”

  Because I couldn’t lie, I told him what I was worried about. Then I went on. “I think it would be fine for me if I tried doing things for just you. That way you’re at least getting something out of this.”

  Jasper moved us. I was on my back and he was leaning over me. Not enough to make me feel trapped, but enough so that I would have to face him. “I am getting so much out of this,” he told me. “The sex stuff doesn’t matter. I love you.”

  “Well, I’m supposed to take steps, right? Why can’t that be a step?”

  He smiled, but he sighed. “Because you’d be doing it for the wrong reasons. I don’t want that and I think it would only make things worse for you. One day, we’re going to be able to do everything that you want to do. W
e just need to make sure it’s the right time.”

  I frowned and I felt like a kid who was pouting. “This isn’t fair. We shouldn’t have to discuss this and make plans like it’s a family vacation. It takes all the fun out of it. I’m ruining it for you.”

  He shook his head and he sounded so earnest. “You’re not ruining anything. I don’t care at all if we need to talk about it or plan. I don’t need what you think I do. I can enjoy slow and soft as much as I can enjoy randomly pinning you to the wall. It’s just you that I want. Any way I can get that.”

  My eyes were glassy. “But I want this to be fun for you. You should get that.”

  He smiled and kissed me until there were no more tears. Then he said, “I have a lot of fun with you, Kezia. I have more fun with you than I’ve had doing anything else. And there’s plenty of things we can do that don’t involve one of us naked.”

  I arched an eyebrow. “Really?”

  “Yes.” He kissed the side of my neck. “I have an idea actually.” He spoke with his lips almost against my skin. Kissing me between sentences. “We’ve yet to be on a real date.” He moved to the base of my throat.

  “True,” I said. “Did you have something in mind, sweetheart?”

  I was pretty sure he was trying to give me a heart attack, right around when I felt his tongue moving against my skin. “I do,” he said in a brand new and far too sexy voice. “I would like to take you to dinner tonight. Just you and me.”

  My fingers tangled in his hair as he moved directly on me. I put my legs around him, making sure that he knew I was fine. I could see him and we were talking. So I felt all right.

  “That sounds nice,” I said. “I can wear a pretty little dress that can make your eyes get all big.”

  He laughed while his nose skimmed my jaw. “You can wear anything and my eyes would get all big.”

  Mine shut halfway when he got to my earlobe. I had no clue at all why it was making me all melty when his teeth got around it, but I went with it. I pushed my hips against his, more so than I had been before. He responded perfectly, pushing back against me with the right level of pressure.

  Jasper had the misfortune of being positioned where his ear was right by my mouth, so he got to hear the insane and desperate noise I made at what he was doing. It made him stop moving.

  “Please, don’t stop,” I begged.

  Jasper said my name and kissed me on the cheek. “I’m sorry. I don’t want it to be too much.”

  I felt as desperate as I sounded. “It won’t be.”

  Still, he moved back from me, abandoning me on the bed. He stood and he felt far. I hated the distance he thought was necessary. “I promise, when it’s the right time, we can do this.”

  I sat up and combed through my hair with my fingers. “I know.”

  We separated when I went off to shower. I still felt guilty. Jasper would get bored of me if I wasn’t careful. He said it wouldn’t happen, but how could it not? He was a healthy, twenty-one-year-old man, who hasn’t been with anyone in years. He has to want it. Sometimes it felt like I would remain stuck like this. Not able to move forward.

  I showered and put on a shirt and a pair of shorts that I apparently had. New clothes just kept showing up without explanation. Since there was nothing I could do to stop it, I just put the clothes away and moved on.

  Zander was with the girls in the kitchen. He was making Jasmine breakfast while Juniper put dishes away. Jasper was still upstairs and I assumed he was still getting ready for the day.

  “Hungry?” Zander asked. “I made extra.” He had a pan of eggs and some sides. He was kind enough to make up a plate for me and I sat beside Jasmine.

  “You doing better?” I asked, poking at the eggs.

  She sighed. “Yes. No more happy-pills, but your ointment is making my leg not hurt.”

  “It should. Your leg won’t scar if you keep using it regularly. I can make you more.”

  “Thank you. I accept your offering. And that piece of bacon.” She took one of my pieces, but I didn’t actually mind.

  Jasper came down and ate willingly and without being prompted. He sat beside me and then we were all at the table. Everyone but Juniper. She said she’d already eaten and she was busy anyway.

  “Ahhhh,” Jasmine groaned. “Cheese cooked right into the omelet. Zander.” She grabbed his arm. “You are lovely.” She rubbed her hand down his face. “So lovely. I appreciate your cheese skills.”

  Zander patted Jasmine’s head. “Thanks. I learned by watching Food Network on nights Kizzy and I couldn’t get to sleep. Sometimes we’d be up ‘til like eight in the morning.”

  I laughed. “I remember that. I miss that chocolate show that used to come on at six.”

  Zander nodded while taking a bit of his food. “That was a good show. So much chocolate…”

  After a twenty-minute discussion about chocolate, Jasper let everyone know that we were leaving for a little while, later. He seemed happy about it, so he wasn’t upset about what happened this morning. He was saying all the right things, but it didn’t make the worry go away.

  “Where are you going?” my brother asked.

  “Just out to dinner,” Jasper responded.

  Zander nudged me. “First date ever, honey. Are you nervous?”

  I scoffed at him. “No. Why would I be nervous? We’re already dating and we’ve said I love you. Kinda feel like the scary stuff is behind us for the time being.”

  Zander shrugged. “I can help you get all gussied up, since you’re insisting this isn’t a big deal.”

  “I didn’t say that.”

  He went on like I didn’t say anything. “And since I’m basically your only acting mother/father down here—”

  “What the hell? No you’re not.”

  “—it’s my job to hassle the guys you date and to see you off when you decide to abandon me in favor for a boy.”

  I shook my head and rolled my eyes. “You’re not my mom. And Jasper is the only guy I’m dating. You have nothing to worry about with him. My virtue is as intact as it could possibly be with him.”

  “Garbage.” He pointed at my face, then touched my nose. “All boys are disgusting and only have one thing on their mind.”

  “Like you?” Jasmine batted her eyes at Zander.

  He looked over at her. “Yes. I am pure in all ways.”

  “Oh, so you’ve never touched a girl? Ever?”

  He blinked three times. “I don’t see what that has to do with anything, Jasmine. But no, I am a good boy and I don’t even like girls yet. Thank you very much.” He brushed imaginary dust from his shirt.

  Jasmine didn’t buy it. “Sure, the son of the goddess of love has yet to find love.”

  Well that part was true. While Zander’s been with a handful of girls, he’s yet to find one he wanted to keep. It almost wasn’t fair that I found someone before he did, when I had been so closed off to it. Not that he really got a chance to look. Too caught up in taking care of me.

  After we finished eating, Jasper went off to his studio and I stayed with him for a while. When lunch came and went, Zander dragged me off. We went up to my room because he said that we needed plenty of time to get me ready.

  “Why isn’t Jasmine here?” I asked. “I kinda feel like she’d enjoy this a little more than you would.”

  “Meh.” He started digging through the few dresses that I owned. He pulled out a couple from my dresser. One was red and the other was green. While he looked them over, he said, “I wanted to talk to you about that. We may have a problem.”

  “What might that be?” I leaned against the wall. “Something bad?”

  He was smiling when he sat on the bed. “No. Yes. I don’t actually know.”

  I smirked at him. “All right, just how bad do you have it for her?”

  Zander’s fingers tapped against his knees. “It would seem that very. I have it very bad for her. I don’t think this is going to go away.”

  “That’s great. So why ar
e you so… not happy about it?”

  He sighed and laid back on the bed, staring at the ceiling. “They’re all so damaged. Not that I would have a problem being with her because of that. It’s just not fair to try something when she’s such a mess of emotions. Someone like her should get to be with someone when they’re well. She is not well.”

  My body tensed and wanted me to panic. “Are you saying that I shouldn’t be with Jasper? He’s damaged too. We all are.”

  Zander tilted his head up so he could see me. “No. Jasper is different. I can feel it. He knows what’s wrong and he wants to fix it. Jasmine and Juniper have no damn clue that they’re as bad off as they are. It’s not something that has a quick fix. And Jasmine fights me on everything. She wants to keep living the way she’s been. It’s not safe. I can’t be with her if she’s like this.”

  I started pacing the room. “What do you want to do about this then? If anything.”

  He groaned and laid flat again. “I don’t know. I can’t make her see something that she doesn’t want to see. Just like you couldn’t have made Jasper see anything. You helped him along, but it was still him.”

  “So…”

  “So, I can’t do anything. I have to watch and hope she starts doing the right thing. That she stops trying to drown away the ugliness with drinking and putting herself in dangerous situations. She has to care enough about herself to want to get better. Like you’re doing.”

  My arms crossed and I stopped walking. I was facing a wall. “But it took me almost seven years to get here. I have Jasper to help me along now.”

  “And Jasmine will still have me. Just not the same as Jasper and you. I can live with this. It might kill me to watch her go off with some guy. Worse if she gets serious with someone. But this is about her and not me. So I have to deal.”

  I thought about Jasper with Celeste. It was so painful, knowing that she had something with him that I never could. She was his first and I couldn’t undo that. As much as I wanted to. But as of right now, she was still the last person he’d been with. That hurt too. It wasn’t his fault and I doubted he knew how much that bugged me. I wanted to keep it like that. One day I would get to where I needed to. It was just a scary thought, that he had a bond with her that we didn’t.