Falling Like Stars

by Eve Kasey

  44

  “It’s called a panic attack.”

  In the hallway outside the station mock-up, Fei studied him thoughtfully, hands clasped behind his back in his standard stance. Chen had heard of panic attacks, of course. He just never thought he’d have one.

  “I feel much better now.”

  And he did feel better, but only in comparison to how shitty the panic attack had felt. Chen’s role didn’t feel right anymore. Nor did this calculating look of Fei’s, this place, or this mission. He did not belong there.

  Chen wanted to go home. Not to his sterile apartment in central Jiuquan. He wanted to go back to Guangzhou, and, truthfully, even farther than that. Eastward until he ran into a beautiful brunette with endless eyes. The conversation with Vadim and resulting panic attack had been an epiphany.

  He squared his shoulders and met Fei’s gaze. “Colonel Zhang, I’d like to formally withdraw from this mission.”

  Fei looked at him like he’d grown a second set of ears. “It was one panic attack, Chen. A reaction to being underwater, possibly. Or the stress of the job. Maybe you need more time to get used to this schedule again. I noticed the hours logged on the jet—”

  “Fei.”

  His friend paused.

  “I appreciate this opportunity more than I can express. But I can’t stay.”

  Fei sighed and released his hands to clasp them in front. “It’s the Americans, isn’t it?”

  “One in particular.”

  “Oh, Chen. Is this about a woman? Really?”

  “No. It’s about the woman.”

  Actually, it was about three women: his mother, his sister, and the woman he was in love with.

  Fei frowned. “That is a line from one of those films you love. We’re talking about our country’s first space station. This opportunity will be granted to very few, and only once. If you walk away from the mission, you walk away from the agency. Please think about what you’re saying.” He dropped his head and voice so nearby colleagues couldn’t hear. “I will pretend this conversation never happened.” He straightened. “The panic attack, unfortunately, will have to go on your medical record.”

  Chen smiled. Fei’s words had the opposite effect. With every passing word, his conviction had grown. He felt lighter than he had in the water that day, freer than he had in months. “I know what I’m doing, Fei. Actually, I don’t. After I drive away from the launch center, I have no idea what will happen. I just know my heart isn’t in this mission. The program deserves someone with real commitment. Maybe space isn’t my calling anymore.”

  Fei shook his head. “Your heart. Your calling. What’s happened to your head? I fought for you, Chen.”

  Chen put a hand on his friend’s arm. He was determined that embarrassing Fei through his abrupt departure would be his last selfish act for a long, long time. “Thank you. I’m sorry I let you down.”

  “Is this your final decision?”

  “Yes.”

  “Fine.” Fei nodded stiffly, his hands behind his back again. “I will move past this eventually.”

  Chen couldn’t help but chuckle. “I don’t deserve you, Fei. You’re the common denominator in the successes here. Don’t forget that. You’ll be fine without your troublemaking former lieutenant.”

  Fei fought a smile and lost. Chen left on what he hoped was a high note.

  A week later he was back in Guangzhou with a car he had to pay to stow and news his parents were going to hate.

  Letting himself in to the apartment, he interrupted dinner at the tiny table for three in the kitchen. His mother stood, looking confused. Xiaoming cocked her head and smiled, while his dad didn’t even hitch in lifting a steaming soup spoon to his lips.

  “Jai? We weren’t expecting you. It’s not even the weekend. Jiuquan is so far. What’s happened?”

  His mother’s voice was getting shriller by the second.

  Leaning against the doorway, Chen crossed his arms and stared at her. “Mama, I want to know what you want for your future. You, too, baba. I will take care of you, but I want to know what that looks like to you.”

  She shot an alarmed look at his father.

  “Just tell him,” his father said. He continued to calmly sip his soup. Homemade wontons floated in the fragrant broth. Chen’s favorite. His stomach growled. He hadn’t eaten in over a day, too determined to get the miles behind him. The drive had taken him three fucking days.

  She brought spooked eyes back to him. Her token hand-wringing made an appearance. “Your father and I purchased an apartment in one of those new retirement communities in Chongqing. The Huangs did the same and wouldn’t stop talking about it. The apartment—we’ve been making payments with some of your money.” She dropped her gaze to the floor as Chen tried to process the unprecedented information.

  He had read that retirement communities were cropping up around the mainland, but they were gaining slow acceptance since caring for relatives was such an ingrained part of their culture. He was shocked his parents had even considered the idea, let alone put money toward the venture. “We need a big favor from you, jai. Both of you.”

  Chen interpreted her tear-filled eyes in an instant and jumped in to prevent her saying what he knew came next. He didn’t know if she’d frame her request as kindly as she should. “I want Xiaoming with me,” he said. He turned to his sister. “Mui mui, you and me. It’s what we’ve always wanted, right?”

  She smiled so widely that the dimples that matched his appeared in her cherubic cheeks. Chen flicked his gaze to his mother. “She’ll be cared for. But a retirement community? Really?”

  “I know. Some of our friends think the choice is very strange. My mother would never have allowed such a thing. Our ancestors might be ashamed. A retirement community is not…traditional. But your job, jai, takes you all over the world. We didn’t know…”

  Chen’s stomach dropped. “If you could count on me?” Had he failed his parents? Driven them to this drastic decision through his choices?

  “We knew we could count on you,” his dad answered. “We didn’t want you to have to take us on. The world is changing. Even we can see that. We’re just trying to keep up.”

  Chen shook his head, stunned. He had expected discussions about which quieter neighborhood they’d been coveting and how many bedrooms they could afford on Chen’s income, whatever that might be now that he was jobless again. He had not foreseen that his only duty would be to Xiaoming. He had not expected to be one step closer to Elle. If only he could solve that pesky naturalization problem. And convince her that he was worth another try.

  Would Tate take him back if he could get there? Would Elle?

  “I want to become Xiaoming’s guardian and take her to the States. I visited a place. In fact, let me just show you.”

  He pulled his phone out of his pocket so he could show them Bayview. His mother let out a whimper, which made Chen pause. Maybe she hadn’t anticipated that he’d want to take Xiaoming somewhere else. But Chongqing was just as far as Jiuquan. Why stay in GZ when their parents weren’t there? When this city wasn’t built for someone with needs like hers? He’d found the perfect place, even though San Diego was half a world away.

  “Mama, life in America would be so much better for Xiaoming. The care is better. The places are built better. Her life would be easier, except missing you both, and we can work on that together.”

  Her eyes were full of tears again. “How are you going to do all that?”

  Chen shrugged. “Same way I do everything else. I’m just going to do it.” He looked at his sister. “If America is what you want, mui mui. I won’t make decisions about you without you.”

  She held her hand out for his phone. They all watched as she scrolled through Bayview’s website, through pictures of the residents and staff and the glorious garden Elle had imagined and delivered. Her smile never wavered. She cooed and pointed and chattered to herself.

  Peace settled inside Chen. Real peace. Even if he couldn�
��t find another job at OrbitAll or a place in Elle’s life, he knew both he and Xiaoming would thrive in San Diego. He just needed to get them there.

  Chen gently took his phone back. “I have something else to show you.” Sharing was a massive leap of faith or possibly a headfirst dive into stupidity, but he pulled up pictures from the trip to Vegas for the Shirley boys’ lacrosse tournament. He showed his parents the photos of the twins. Of he and Elle. Of him, Elle, and her whole family. His mom took his phone from him and stared at the family photo on Fremont Street for a long time. Too long. He guessed she was imagining what their ancestors would say about Chen involved with a family so different from their own.

  “Her name is Elle,” he explained, stomach churning. Why had he brought her up? He had no idea if he even had a chance with Elle. “We worked together. She’s got an important job at OrbitAll and her family is close by in San Diego.” His parents knew San Diego. They had relatives there. “Right by Bayview, where I want Xiaoming to be. Elle’s stepmother runs that facility, actually. Bayview is a beautiful place. They’re a wonderful family.”

  His mother nodded as she handed his phone back, but he saw her lip quiver. He understood her surprise, possibly her chagrin, but he wouldn’t apologize for loving Elle or wanting to be part of her family.

  “I’ve sprung a lot of information on you today. I don’t expect you to accept or like all of it.” He took a deep breath. “I quit the mission. I’m done.”

  His mother let out a shriek. “No job? Again? That’s the worst news you’ve told me yet.”

  It took hours to calm her down, but she finally agreed to let Chen treat his family to a late dinner at their favorite noodle house. Afterward, when his family was in bed, he paced the living room waiting for a reasonable hour to let Tate know what he had planned. His message had been simple: He was coming to get his girl. Of course, Tate had been supportive.

  But before he put time and money toward his half-cocked plan to head back to the States, he needed to know what he’d missed, and if Elle still felt the same way he did. After hanging up with Tate he emailed Betti, pouring his heart out and asking for her advice. Her blessing.

  He hated fucking email. He hated that he had to wait for an answer that would define his future. Had Elle moved on? Did he have to pursue a life in her city that didn’t include her? He’d do that for Xiaoming without hesitation. But a life without Elle, anywhere, looked as dark and desolate as the desert he’d just come from. He wanted her sunlight.

  Chen waited three agonizing days to hear back from Betti. When her answer came, he knew the wait had been worth the heartache.

  You asked me once to tell you something Elle wouldn’t want you to know. Boy, have I got a doozy.

  45

  Dark brown with white trim, the squat bungalow was dwarfed by bigger, ritzier homes on both sides. Out front, the yard was full of birds of paradise and flowers of every color. The gray flagstone path meandered from the street to the front door, where a small porch with a single rocking chair looked onto the street and where her realtor, Veronica, waited with a scowl.

  Elle parked in the driveway, nudging past two women on the sidewalk, moms in athleisure with identical strollers who studied her as she climbed out of her car in snug jeans, a loose blouse, and new sunglasses. She wondered if they were thinking, How can she afford a car like that and a home in Del Mar?

  She wondered what they’d say if they knew she was unemployed and that her flashy new aviators were from Target.

  “Traffic on the Five,” she told Veronica as her old classmate unlocked the door.

  The woman nodded. “This place ticks nearly every box. It’s not even on the market yet. We need to move fast if this house is the one.”

  Elle wandered through the bungalow’s compact interior. Three small bedrooms, one-and-a-half baths. Tile floors, cream walls with white moldings, updated kitchen. And the views. The blue ocean sparkled from every window, and there were tons of them.

  Outside was even better. She stepped onto the covered flagstone patio and sucked in a breath. Full outdoor kitchen. Sound system. The flat, rectangular yard with brilliant green grass wasn’t spacious but would be easy to maintain. The entire yard was surrounded by towering greenery. She let out a squeal when she spotted the rounded gate.

  “I knew that would get you,” Veronica said, appearing at her side.

  “A secret garden,” Elle moaned.

  She was home.

  Veronica nodded, interpreting her expression. “Let’s go in just above asking. I’ll let you know what they say.”

  “Thanks, Veronica.”

  Elle didn’t make a move to follow her out.

  This cozy patio and expansive ocean-to-sky view were exactly what she’d pictured when she envisioned herself drinking wine with Chen. If the cottage part of her dream came true, did that make it any more likely the rest might, too? Could she have the fairy tale? The man and the dream home? She was missing the job now, but that would come. She already had an idea on that front. She just needed to talk to Betti.

  “The house isn’t yours yet, Elle,” she heard Veronica say from inside. “We gotta go.”

  Like they did in fairy tales, Elle closed her eyes and made a wish.

  46

  Now that Chen knew what his parents wanted, now that they’d all been honest about what they wanted from the other, life at home had been easier. His last month in GZ had been nothing but pleasant. Chen had visited old friends, treated his family to nice meals, seen half-a-dozen movies with Xiaoming. For once, he had time to be a son and a brother. By the end of four weeks, his mother even seemed resigned to his jobless state. He still had his temporary visa in the States and had been scoping jobs in San Diego. Teaching was an option. He planned on meeting up with Rosie’s dad, the planetary science professor, after he got settled. If he got settled. But Betti’s email had bolstered his faith in the success of his scheme.

  Chen didn’t have to prepare much for his trip to the States. A one-way ticket and a single backpack were all he needed. The goodbyes with his family were different this time. Kinder. More hopeful. They were each taking a leap toward futures that were outside of convention. Their respective leaps of faith brought them closer as a family.

  Chen’s heart actually ached as he left them and flew east.

  But his heart flooded with different feelings as they approached San Diego from the air. The palm trees, sprawling ocean, and brown hills held every kind of possibility. Outside in balmy sunshine, the air smelled like Elle. He had been told by Betti that she was moving into her new home today. The whole family would be helping her. Rosie, too. The Shirleys knew he was there and what he had planned. He’d had reassurances from every quarter. Elle still loved him. She missed him.

  In fact, she’d been ready to marry him.

  Gorgeous, selfless Elle. Within hours, she might be his again. She might be Chen’s forever.

  Outside the airport, he initiated the next phase of his plan. He dialed Rosie’s number, which Betti had provided.

  She answered on the third ring, her lyrical voice soothing nerves that had become taut through waiting.

  “The lovely Rosie.”

  “My favorite astronaut,” she replied.

  He chuckled. “Not anymore. I quit the space program, Rosie. I just landed in San Diego.”

  She gasped. “You came for Elle.”

  For Elle, for himself, for Xiaoming. He’d come for their future. “She’s it for me. There’s no life without her in it.”

  “How can I help?” She sounded like she was fighting tears.

  He grinned. How he’d hoped she’d say that. “Meet me for dinner?”

  “Deal.”

  “I need to pick up her ring in Old Town. There’s places to eat around there, right?”

  She was silent for a long moment. Then, “Definitely. Lots of tacos.”

  These girls and their tacos.

  Chen spent the next five hours trying not to combust from ner
vous energy. He tried to play tourist. He hit up the ocean first, navigating in a rental down an unremarkable street in Elle’s native Ocean Beach. The ocean had been his second favorite view from space after the stars. Even when he’d been cut off from Mission Control and had floated in utter silence for far too long, the ocean had soothed him. The blue of their planet connected him to home. The Pacific was no less beautiful up close. But he couldn’t sit still with his toes in the sand for long. He found a funky burger shop nearby and drowned some nerves in a stack of patties and beer. He tried the Air and Space Museum next, which actually had some decent displays, including the Apollo 9 command module. But waiting was agony, even in a place that celebrated his former profession. With two hours left until dinner with Rosie, he drove to the jewelry shop in Old Town.

  With Elle’s custom engagement ring in hand, his heart settled into a normal rhythm. Chen and his dream girl weren’t worlds apart anymore. They were mere miles apart, with his family and hers cheering from the sidelines. Well, his were more like silently clapping, but he’d take it.

  He wandered the charming historical neighborhood and arrived fifteen minutes early to the Mexican place Rosie had suggested. He took a seat on the bench outside. The pretty redhead arrived five minutes later. He swept Rosie off her feet into a hug.

  “I’m so happy to see you,” she said, hugging him fiercely.

  “I’m so happy to be seen.”

  She shook her head as he set her back on the sidewalk. Her golden eyes searched his face. “I can’t believe you’re here. I can’t believe you left the space program.”

  He shrugged. “The mission didn’t feel right anymore.”

  Her forehead crinkled. “But you’re here to stay? For real this time? I hate to ask, but…”

  But Chen had broken Elle’s heart once before. He fished the velvet box out of his backpack and handed the ring to Rosie. “For real. Forever. If she’ll have me.”