He deliberately drew out the word, pulling a face. Mikey burst out laughing, drawing the stares of a few of the other people. Nell clapped a hand over his mouth, shushing him.
“No, you’re weird!” Mikey whispered once she released him.
“Perhaps we’re both weird,” Garrant said. “Anyway.” He tapped his chest above his heart. “This is the place where you put your proudest achievement. If my team win the gold at these games, maybe I’ll get it filled in. Gold in the first Intergalactic Olympics - that’s something, isn’t it?”
Mikey nodded, but Garrant felt the emptiness of his own words. The closer he got to achieving that goal, the less important it seemed. One more victory wasn’t going to answer any of his larger problems.
But his whole adult life had been dedicated to Hyperdisk. Every step he’d taken down this path led to this moment. And perhaps Garrant hadn’t quite talked himself out of his Iparshana culture and heritage, because he couldn’t help thinking that it had to mean something. If Parshana had chosen him a path, and his path had brought him here, then surely there was some great meaning to be found. And the final, the culmination of everything he’d ever worked towards. His last competition, probably his last game - it had to be something to do with that.
Garrant just wished he could see what.
Nell took out her comm, looking at the time.
“Wow, it’s getting a bit late. We should probably head back and get you some food,” she said to Mikey.
Mikey groaned, but he didn’t protest any further, jumping to his feet and walking back to the lift.
“I can’t thank you enough for today,” Nell said, as she rose to her feet. “He’s going to be talking about this non stop for weeks.”
“Any time,” Garrant said. “He’s a great kid. You should be really proud of him. And yourself.”
“I am proud of him. And sometimes I even manage to feel a little bit proud of myself.”
She smiled up at him.
And because it was dark, because Mikey was distracted by the lift, because it seemed he really, really couldn’t help himself when it came to Nell, Garrant closed the gap between them and kissed her.
It felt every bit as good as it did the first time - her soft warmth, her scent of flowers and skin and something feminine and delicious that sent him from calm to wanting to claim her body right there and then in a moment. He held himself in check, but stars it was hard work. He’d never responded to anyone like he responded to her. Half of him wondered if it was possible to make a go of things with someone who wasn’t your Match, while the other half knew, no matter how good she made him feel, he’d always be wondering about that one person out there who was meant only for him. And the one out there meant only for her who could one day take her away from him.
As if her mind had gone down the same paths, she looked a bit mournful as she drew back from him.
“We should head after him, before he gets in that lift on his own,” she said, voice soft, a little bit sad.
“Yeah, we really should,” Garrant said.
For a moment, neither of them moved. Then she turned and walked away, skipping up the stairs when Mikey called for her to hurry up. Garrant watched them for a long moment, then headed up after them.
Chapter 12
NELL FELT ALMOST HUNG OVER THE next morning as she stumbled into the kitchen later than she normally got up. She’d lain awake for a long time in the dark of her room, mind spinning through everything that had happened in the last few days. Garrant, Ricky… More often than not Garrant. Playing the memory of the kiss he’d given her on the Observation Deck over and over again. A kiss far more tame than those they’d shared on the night of the Opening Ceremony, but every bit as affecting. She’d wanted to melt into his touch, to sink into the fantasy that they could be more than just a fling.
A bit of harmless fun. Laughable that she’d thought of him that way. She had to shore herself up, had to take a step back, or she would get her heart broken all over again.
Mikey was sitting at the table in the living room, drawing. Nell smiled at him, grateful that he’d chosen this morning to do something quiet.
“Are you hungry?” she asked.
Absorbed in his art, Mikey didn’t even answer for a moment, the words sinking in to his mind slowly.
“Yes, very hungry,” he said.
Nell set about preparing him some cereal. Normally, she’d have asked him to sit at the counter in the kitchen, but she wasn’t feeling it today. She brought his cereal over to him, sinking into the sofa behind him.
“What’s a symbol of a nurse, Mummy?” Mikey asked, as she set the bowl down in one of the few spaces on the table free of paper.
“What are these?” Nell asked, looking down at the pictures.
Unlike Mikey’s usual artworks - which had a narrative quality, depicting events involving people he knew, places he’d been, and normally a laser gun battle, or some talking animals - these were more abstract. Patterns looping together, familiar shapes woven into a fabric of lines. He’d made several attempts at the same sort of thing, and Nell thought she could detect a progression, improvement, the early designs clumsy and unfinished, the later ones more refined. His ability to draw still amazed her, his skill far beyond any other five year old she knew and getting better all the time.
“I was making us a family tattoo,” he said. “Like Garrant has.”
“Oh,” Nell said, “well, do you want to tell me about your design?”
He finished the section he was colouring in, then gave the page to Nell.
“I put the number sixty-two because that’s our house number,” he said. “And this is my fish cuddly that Asha bought me for Christmas.”
There were other things, too - toys and objects that he had a fondness for. Among the crayons and swings and toy cars, Nell spotted things that related to her. A cup with steam lines coming out of the top - the coffee that had been ever present in her hand when she’d been working every hour she could to make ends meet. The slippers Asha had helped him pick out for her last Mother’s Day present.
“Garrant said they sometimes have jobs on them, so I wanted to draw a nurse,” Mikey said.
Mikey had talked about the tattoos non-stop from the moment the lift had landed them back on the ground floor to the moment they arrived back at their suite, grilling Garrant about every detail, much to Nell’s embarrassment.
“Well,” Nell said. “You could draw a cross like this.” She sketched one out on a fresh piece of paper. “That’s a symbol of hospitals and medicine.”
“Okay,” Mikey said, then bent to work, filling in the gap he’d left.
Nell ran her fingers over his hair while he worked, marvelling that such a perfect little boy could be hers. Whatever conflicted feelings she had about Ricky, she could only be grateful for the part he’d played in Mikey’s existence.
Ricky…
He was still angling for a meeting. Still wanting to be introduced to Mikey. Nell watched as Mikey ignored his cereal in favour of completing his drawing. He’d taken to Garrant so quickly. Cael, too. Was he trying to fill the father shaped hole with other male figures in his life?
She could give him his real father. Even if it meant giving up a little piece of Mikey. Alternate weekends spent in someone else’s house. Experiences and memories he would make without her. She hated the very idea of it, but if it made Mikey happy… Nell sighed. She knew it would make Mikey happy.
She pulled out her comm and messaged Allendi. If Allendi could take Mikey for a couple of hours at some point this afternoon, she would invite Ricky over, talk to him. Arrange an introduction.
As much as her heart protested, her head knew it was the right thing to do.
Allendi took Mikey for the late afternoon, offering to feed him his evening meal, too. Mikey packed and unpacked his rucksack as though he were staying for a week, then sprinted across the small courtyard, pausing briefly to say hello to the fish in the middle before knocking on A
llendi’s door.
“Come on in,” Allendi said, grinning at Mikey’s obvious excitement.
“Thank you,” Nell said, as Mikey rushed into Allendi’s suite to where Sassi sat on the floor, playing with a comm.
“I take it you’re using this time to have a conversation with Ricky?” Allendi said, stepping out of the suite and pulling the door closed behind her.
“He’s been persistent,” Nell said. “I figure if he wasn’t serious about wanting to have a place in our lives then he’d have given up before now.” She shrugged. “I’m not promising him anything, I’m just inviting him over to speak his piece. At least then maybe he’ll stop messaging me every five minutes.”
Allendi nodded, though she didn’t quite keep the concern out of her eyes. “Well, you need anything, you know where we are. Comm us if you need to be called away for an emergency.”
Nell grinned. “Thanks.”
“Oh, and however the conversation goes, come over after for a drink. The boys are having an evening out, so I thought us girls could have an evening in. I think they’ve got a table booked at a restaurant for eight, so I’ve ordered food in for then. Bring Mikey some bedclothes, he can stop for the night.”
“Sounds perfect,” Nell said. “Lord knows, I’ll probably need some female company after this.”
Allendi wished her good luck, then Nell headed back to her own suite. She paced nervously for a while, her emotions broiling inside her. Anger, frustration, confusion. And somewhere in the mix, a tiny bit of yearning, a tiny bit of excitement.
And that part troubled her the most. Because she was supposed to be over this. She was supposed to be over him. He’d left her with nothing at the worst possible moment and never looked back. So why was her treacherous heart fluttering a little at the thought of being alone with him?
A knock on the door prevented her examining those thoughts further. She took a deep breath and opened it.
“Good evening,” Ricky said, smiling at her.
He’d dressed well, smart and stylish, like they were going out for a meal not just sitting together in Nell’s suite.
“Come in,” Nell said, stepping aside for him.
His eyebrows raised as he looked around at the executive suite, but he didn’t say anything.
“You look lovely,” he said when his eyes settled back on her.
Nell let the compliment pass without comment. She was wearing the same jeans and t-shirt combo she’d been wearing all day, had made no special effort.
“Is he here?” Ricky asked, looking round again.
“No,” Nell said. “He’s staying with a friend tonight. I wanted… I thought it would be best to talk first.”
“Sure,” Ricky said, and if he was disappointed, he was doing a good job of hiding it. “I, uh, I hope you don’t think this is too much, but, I brought some wine. I remembered you like a Pinot Grigio.”
Nell found a couple of glasses while Ricky got the bottle open. He poured her a generous glass and Nell took it, sipping the wine to taste it.
“You know,” she said, “I actually had never drank wine before you took me to that restaurant. You asked me what I liked and I picked one off the menu at random. I didn’t like the taste at first, but I was too embarrassed to admit to being so uncultured, so I just kept pretending until one day I realised I’d grown used to the flavour and started enjoying it.”
“Really?” Ricky said.
“You were handsome and obviously from a well to do family. I wanted to impress you. You being interested in me - it felt… This is going to sound really stupid, but it made me feel real. Like I was a real person who could do things other people got to do.”
“I suppose we were only young,” Ricky said.
“Yes, I suppose we were.”
She took another sip of wine to fill the awkward silence, buying herself a few seconds to think of something to say. Now he was here, it felt difficult to form thoughts, her brain tumbling over itself as it struggled to parse all her conflicting emotions.
“Is work going well?” she asked.
“Very well,” Ricky said, leaning in to the conversation with practised ease. He’d always been good at small talk, good at schmoozing. He had a gift for making her feel comfortable and included in situations where she felt out of her depth. “The different events the Intergalactic Community compete in offer unique challenges. If you’re photographing the hundred metre sprints, you know the money shot is the winner crossing the finish line. But with these alien sports, you’re never really sure what is the perfect moment to capture. It’s very interesting. How is living the high life treating you?”
He cast another appreciative glance around the suite.
“It’s a lovely treat,” Nell said. “Cael has been very generous.”
“Yes, that was quite the surprise. Princess Asha. Who’d have thought?”
“Don’t let her hear you call her that. She doesn’t take kindly to it.”
They talked for a while, sticking to the safe topics of the Olympia, present day. Occasionally they’d skirt close to a nice memory and Ricky would get a slightly wistful look on his face. Nell found herself relaxing more and more into the familiarity of his presence, the old patterns of conversation that they’d talked through so many times before. If she allowed herself to forget the one major detail - the fact that he’d left her - it was almost… nice.
It made her heart ache, and not just for what could have been if things had worked out between them. She wanted this. Wanted company - adult company - and someone else to bear the burdens and celebrate the victories with her. Someone to ask about her day and pour her a glass of wine.
“You know,” Ricky said. “Being here with you… It’s like no time has passed at all.”
He reached out, brushing back a lock of her hair. Then he took a step closer, setting down his wine on the counter before lowering his head to hers. Nell didn’t move, brain frozen - conflicting thoughts pinning her in place.
Don’t let him do this. He hurt you. You don’t want this.
If you can make this work, maybe you don’t have to be alone.
Because he was Mikey’s father, wasn’t he? And once upon a time they’d been madly in love with each other. Perhaps a kiss would remind them both of everything they’d had. Tonight, together in this room, drinking wine, those old days didn’t seem quite so distant. He’d kiss her and…
His lips pressed to hers, and she felt nothing. All the pining and the hurt and the wishing he would just come back to her, and now she felt nothing?
No. Worse than nothing. It felt wrong. Cold and awkward. Like she was being kissed by a mannequin, not a person. The discomfort built and after a moment it became intolerable.
“Mm, okay, please don’t do that,” she said, stepping back from him.
Ricky looked at her, confused. “But you invited me over while your son, our son, isn’t here. I thought…”
“Mikey isn’t here because I wanted to have the chance to talk to you about how we’re going to go about introducing the two of you, not because I wanted him out of the way so we could…” she couldn’t even bring herself to say it. Once upon a time, Ricky had made her weak at the knees. But now she looked at him and wondered what she’d ever seen in him, like the kiss had broken the last spell he held over her.
“Nell, I know we’ve got some bad history,” Ricky said, taking her hand in his, pressing a kiss to her knuckles. “But we’ve got just as much good. More, even.”
Nell just stared at the spot on her hand where he’d kissed her. When Garrant did that, she’d felt the thrill all the way to her core. Ricky’s lips felt wooden, unpleasant. How different the same gesture could be when done by two completely different people.
Garrant. Why did this feel like she was betraying him? She didn’t owe him anything. She pushed those feelings down to examine later and turned her attention back to Ricky.
“We do have some good memories,” Nell said, though she was hard pressed t
o remember them. It wasn’t that there weren’t any - they had been happy, had enjoyed a lot of good times together. It was just that they belonged to a past version of her. The pre-Mikey Nell. And she’d left that little girl behind a long time ago. A good memory from then wasn’t relevant to her life now. “But that was then. We’re different people.”
She took her hand back from him. He didn’t seem deterred.
“I get that Nell,” he said, stepping closer to her. “But I’m still me and you’re still you. The feelings we had for each other, those kind of feelings don’t just go away.”
“No,” Nell said, stepping back again, her temper starting to flare. “They don’t. There’s no ‘just’ about it. Feelings like that - they bleed out of you. Over days, weeks, months. Those feelings were, were… exorcised! Every time I had to go to an antenatal clinic without you, every time I was up through the night dealing with the terrifying reality of a newborn on my own, every time I worked my fingers to the bone to put food on our table.”
“Nell, I’m sorry, I was just a kid.”
“So was I. But I had to grow up, and when I grew up, I grew out of those feelings I used to have for you.”
He considered her for a long moment, confusion in his eyes.
“Is this because you’ve taken that test?” he asked. “Have you got some alien bloke on the way?”
Because of course in Ricky’s mind, it couldn’t possibly be anything to do with him.
“No,” she said. “I haven’t taken the test. I would like to, but I have to put Mikey first.”
“Oh.”
She’d grown up, and she was starting to realise that he never had. He was still doing whatever suited him - heading off to Antarctica for months at a time, taking this gig that would carry him millions of miles away from home. He was still living like no one depended on him. And he could because he made sure no one did.
“Are you really sure you even want to meet Mikey?” Nell asked.
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