Shatter Me

by Kim Hartfield

  “Come on, Virginia.” I knelt by the bed, peering under it. “I’m only trying to help you.”

  All I could see of her were those wide, fearful eyes. It was too dark under there to even make out her fluffy white fur.

  I lay on my stomach and reached for her, but she darted away before I could touch her. “Please,” I begged. “I know you don’t understand, but you’re going to be okay. You just need to stay out here where I can see you. You’ll feel better if you let me pet you.” Tears filled my eyes, and my throat closed up. “Fuck,” I choked, “I’ll feel better if you let me pet you.”

  Not one single thing could go right today. And this time, it was to be expected. Of course Virginia wouldn’t cooperate when it came to me hiding her. She was a scared animal. What had I thought she was going to do?

  I grabbed a small bag of kibble from another backpack and poured a few nuggets into my hand. I needed Virginia to come out. If she’d be okay with being here, maybe I could be okay with being here.

  She took a few faltering steps forward, then stopped. Her pink nose twitched as if she was considering whether the food was worth the danger of coming out. Apparently it wasn’t, because she stayed under the bed. I set the kibble down under the bed’s edge and waited.

  Maybe she wouldn’t adjust to this. How could she? She didn’t even have a litter box. How was she supposed to go to the bathroom? I hadn’t thought this through, and shame welled up inside me as I realized what a terrible cat owner I’d been.

  Sydney never would’ve done something like this, bringing her pet to a shelter that didn’t allow pets. She would’ve kept looking for one that allowed them, no matter how far it might be. Of course, she never would’ve had to take refuge at a women’s shelter at all.

  Wetness dripped down my cheeks. Still flat on the floor, I pressed my face against the cold tile. I was running away from Chantel, the woman who was supposed to be the love of my life. For three years, she’d been my rock. I adored her. How could any of this be real?

  The door swung open. “Lora, I – ”

  I rolled over, blinking up at Sydney through blurred eyes. Who would’ve thought things could possibly get any worse?

  “I realized I forgot to tell you about the counseling options.” She covered her eyes, then shook her head at herself and looked at the ceiling instead. “I shouldn’t have barged in on you like that. I should’ve knocked.”

  This had to be the first time I’d ever seen her flustered. “I’ll be out in a second,” I said. “I just like to, um, ground myself when I’m feeling low.” Stay under the bed, Virginia.

  “That’s a good idea. Maybe you can tell the others about that strategy in our group therapy sessions.” She gave a high laugh. “I’ll leave the brochures on your bed, and…” She paused. “Was that a meow?”

  Oh, God, Virginia, not now. If Virginia could hear what I was mentally screaming at her, she didn’t listen. Now that I’d stopped trying to coax her out from under the bed, she’d tiptoed out and was sniffing her way around the kibble I’d set on the floor.

  I gave her a quick shove under the bed, as if it was even possible to hide her at this point. Another meow escaped her, and she strode defiantly out and sat on her haunches.

  This kitten had the absolute worst timing. Why couldn’t she have been cool and confident when it was just us, and pull the scaredy-cat act when Sydney came in?

  “I’m so, so sorry,” I said. “I know pets aren’t allowed here. I just couldn’t leave Virginia behind.”

  I chanced a peek at Sydney’s face. She was biting her lip, one eyebrow raising. “You’re right, pets aren’t allowed. She’s adorable, but you can’t keep her here.”

  My throat choked up. “I can’t take her back to Chantel. She doesn’t even like cats. She only agreed to get her because I wanted her.” It’d been the nicest thing she’d ever done for me. When we’d adopted Virginia, I’d been certain Chantel really loved me. “I don’t know what she’ll do to Virginia if she’s alone with her.”

  “You’ll have to figure something out.” Sydney’s voice was sympathetic, yet firm. “Don’t take her back to Chantel. That could be dangerous to both you and the kitten. But don’t you have a friend or a family member who could help you out?”

  I shook my head. If I’d had anyone like that in my life, I would’ve been at their place, not at this shelter. “It was just me and Chantel,” I said. “We were supposed to be together forever – I didn’t need anybody else. Virginia was supposed to fix things between us… but she didn’t fix anything at all.”

  I dissolved in tears, bringing my knees to my chest and dropping my head. I hugged myself tight. My head ached – my heart, body, and soul ached. I felt like I was being torn apart from the inside out.

  I sensed motion near me, and then warm arms wrapped around me. “It’s okay,” Sydney said softly. “Let it all out. You’re safe here.”

  For a moment, I allowed myself to be comforted by her touch. She was so sure of herself that I almost believed my life could be okay again. And she smelled so nice… like peaches.

  But I couldn’t fool myself for long. “It’s not okay,” I choked out. “What am I going to do about Virginia?”

  Sydney squeezed me tighter, and her hand made soothing circles on my back. “I’ll look after her for you.”

  “What? No.” I pulled away, and immediately missed the warmth of her embrace. “I can’t let you do that.”

  “Of course you can.” Her beautiful brown eyes were sad. “I don’t think we have another choice.”

  Four – Sydney

  The kitten sat on the corner of my couch, licking her front paws without sparing a glance at me. She barely seemed to notice I was there, despite the way I’d driven all over town trying to find a pet store that was open at eleven o’clock on a Thursday night. I’d eventually gone to the dollar store and gotten a cheap foot tub to serve as a makeshift litter box.

  Virginia, Lora had called her. Like Virginia Woolf, maybe? The name suited the tiny furball of a cat. She was all white fur and sharp claws, and yet there was something dignified about her.

  I sank onto the couch next to her and ran my fingers along her head. “You’ve had quite the adventure tonight,” I said. “I hope you’ll adjust to being here. But don’t adjust too well. You’re not going to stay for long.”

  A rumbling purr came from deep in her chest.

  “Pretty crazy about your mom,” I said, pulling her onto my lap. “She must be asleep over at the shelter by now. Don’t worry, she’s safe. Another volunteer’s on the graveyard shift.”

  I yawned. I used to volunteer overnight, but at thirty-nine, the lack of sleep hit me a little too hard, especially when I had to teach in the morning.

  Virginia stood on top of me, her claws digging into my thighs as she kneaded me. Her claws were so small that the sensation was more cute than painful. Still, after a moment I found my eyes watering. “Sit down,” I told her.

  She stepped off my lap, turned in a circle right beside me, and sat down there.

  I shook my head. This cat was a brat, and I was already falling for her.

  “We’re going to be just fine together,” I said.

  *

  I left the humanities department building, slipping on my sunglasses to protect against the mid-summer glare. My eyes struggled to stay open under the tinted lenses. I’d struggled to sleep after encountering Lora at Open Heart, and teaching today had been a tedious drudge.

  The bright spot was knowing Virginia was waiting for me at home. I hoped the little rascal hadn’t torn my condo apart in my absence. I’d gone to the pet store and picked up some things for her during my time between classes. Maybe I should’ve been grading midterm papers instead… but I couldn’t wait to see what that silly kitten would think of the toys and treats I’d gotten her.

  I was just stepping into the campus parking lot when a voice called from behind me. “Sydney, wait up!”

  I whirled around to see one of my
favorite colleagues, Karen from the English department. We shared a lot of academic interests… and occasionally, after inter-departmental parties, we shared a bottle of wine and got naked.

  “How are you?” I asked, giving her a tight hug. Her curly hair floated into my face and her perfume wafted around me.

  “Great,” she said. “I was just thinking I hadn’t seen you in far too long, and then there you were! Do you have some time to catch up?” Her eyes twinkled, letting me know she was thinking about more than just drinks.

  The idea tempted me. As far as I could remember, I hadn’t been with anyone since our last rendezvous after the faculty Christmas party. Still, I had to deal with the grading I should’ve done this afternoon, and I was looking forward to seeing Virginia.

  “Not tonight,” I said. “I have to get home to this kitten I’m babysitting.”

  “A kitten?” She threw her head back and laughed. “You’re such a lesbian stereotype.”

  I shrugged, digging into my purse for my keys. “She’s not even mine.”

  Karen smirked. “Not yet. I have a feeling you might end up keeping her.”

  “Not a chance.” Leaning in, I gave her a peck on the cheek. “Call me, okay? We’ll catch up soon.”

  “You bet.” She headed back the way she’d came, her perfume lingering in my nose.

  Twenty minutes later, I’d forgotten all about her offer. Too impatient for the elevator, I took the stairs two at a time. I burst into my condo, already calling out to Virginia.

  I found the kitten sitting on the couch arm, right where I’d left her this morning. She opened her mouth in a yawn as if she’d had a long, hard day. The silly thing probably hadn’t moved a muscle in hours.

  “Would you like a treat, pretty kitty?” I dug the bag of gourmet chicken nibbles out of my shopping bag. “We’ll see how you like this one.”

  Virginia sniffed suspiciously at the treat, then nipped it out of my hand. As soon as she finished chewing, she turned her big eyes on me, silently requesting another.

  “Jeez,” I laughed. “It’s like you haven’t eaten in weeks.” I grinned as she stepped onto my lap and nosed at my hand. “Now I see how to win your love and affection.”

  Giving her another treat, I ran my fingers down her silky back. She was so tiny and fragile – Lora had to be worried sick about her. In fact, I should probably give her a call.

  “Hey,” I said when Lora picked up. “How are you doing?”

  “I’m… okay.” Her voice was shaky, and I immediately regretted not having called sooner.

  “Are you still at the shelter?”

  “Yeah.”

  “Did you have your initial counseling session?”

  “Yeah. It was kind of good, I guess. Helpful.” She still sounded unsure.

  “That’s great,” I said. “I just know things are going to get better from here. Anyway, I’m mostly calling to let you know Virginia’s doing great.”

  “Oh, that’s such a relief.” She sniffled. “I’ve been so worried. As soon as I can, I’m going to get my own place and take her off your hands. I should never have put you in this position.”

  “Don’t even worry about that. Just focus on yourself and doing what’s right for you. Besides, she’s a great kitten. I love having her around.”

  “Isn’t she the best?” Lora choked up. “I miss her so much already.”

  “Here, I’ll put you on speakerphone.” I pressed a few buttons on my phone. “She’s on my lap right now, munching on some treats I’ve been giving her.”

  “That’s amazing. She never sits on my lap, or Chan– ”

  I cut her off before she began to sob. “I didn’t say she was sitting. More half-up, half-down with her butt sticking up in the air.”

  Lora choked out a laugh. “I guess that’s something.”

  “I should let you go,” I said. “I’m glad to hear you’re doing all right. I’ll give you a call again tomorrow, okay?”

  “Oh.” There was an anxious note in her voice. “You’re not going to be here tomorrow?”

  I didn’t have another Open Heart shift until next week. “No.”

  “I thought I might see you tonight, even.”

  Oh, hell. My heart was breaking for her. She was alone in the world, and even if we didn’t know each other well, I was something familiar for her to hold onto – an anchor in a raging storm. “Actually, I got that wrong,” I said lightly. “I thought today was Thursday. I have a daytime shift tomorrow.”

  Or I would when I called the volunteer manager and let her know I’d be coming in.

  “So I might see you tomorrow?” Lora asked in a small voice.

  How exactly was I going to rearrange my other commitments? I normally volunteered at the downtown soup kitchen on Saturdays, and then there was the grading I still needed to finish.

  “That’s right,” I said. “See you soon.”

  Five – Lora

  Chantel had been messaging me nonstop. Seriously, I’d had to turn off my phone this morning because it wouldn’t stop going off. I’d accidentally-on-purpose snuck a glimpse at a few of her texts, which vacillated between heartfelt apologies and vehement accusations.

  You didn’t really leave, did you?

  I know you wouldn’t have gone without a word to me. You’re stupid, but not that goddamn stupid. You know I deserve better than that.

  I’m sorry for what I did to you. I never meant to hurt you. Come back.

  With my head in such a spin, I worried I’d pick up one of her phone calls, too. The second I heard her voice, I’d probably break down and run back to her.

  I was aware of all the academic psychology on abused women – how they rarely managed to leave on the first try, and how they convinced themselves their abusers would change. It was so easy to think you’d never act like that, until you were actually in that position. Leaving once had been hard enough, and not going back was going to be even harder. I couldn’t stand to lose what Chantel and I had.

  When I finally looked at my phone again, my breath caught in my throat. My calendar app reminded me I was scheduled for a shift at work. I had to go in from twelve until seven, and it was already eleven-thirty.

  I hurried into a set of clothes that yesterday’s volunteer had given me. They didn’t fit properly, but they were clean – unlike the outfit I’d been wearing when I’d arrived, which was still drenched in fear-sweat. Anyway, no one at the grocery store was going to be examining their cashier’s style choices.

  I shook my head inwardly as I pressed my pedal to the metal. With a master’s degree in women’s studies, I was still earning a living bagging groceries. Not much of a living, either.

  But today I was somewhat grateful for the mindlessness of my job. If I’d needed to use my brain for this, I might not have gotten through the day. As it stood, I’d just have to buckle down and turn my mind off. I could power through seven hours, and then I’d be free.

  Free to what? That was the real question. To go back to my cold bed at the shelter? To cry myself to sleep all over again?

  “Hey, Lora,” a coworker said when I walked in. “You look different today. Have you lost weight?”

  “I don’t think so,” I mumbled, and set myself up behind the register.

  She gave me a hard stare, then shrugged. Normally I was friendly and cheerful, so she’d just figure I’d had a bad day. I felt bad for blowing her off, but I’d chat with her another time. I was barely clinging to my composure.

  The shift went by painfully slowly. Every second customer had something to complain about, and a few even had the nerve to ask why I wasn’t smiling. It was enough that my manager came out to check if something was wrong.

  “I’m sorry,” I said uncomfortably. “I’m just… going through some stuff.” For the moment, that seemed to be enough explanation for Travis. He nodded and left.

  Tell him you left me, Chantel’s voice challenged inside my head. Tell him you were being abused. See if he believes you.
r />   Of course he would… I hoped.

  How could I ever hurt you? she asked. Look at me – I’m shorter than you! You’re making a big deal out of nothing… you always were so dramatic.

  I shook my head, staring blankly at the computer screen in front of me.

  Go ahead with your break-up theatrics if you must. You’ll come back to me. We belong together, and you know it.

  A tear dripped down my cheek. I didn’t want that to be true, but what if Chantel was right? No one got me like she did. No one loved me like she did…

  The customer now standing in front of me cleared her throat, and Travis reappeared as if he’d never left. Putting up the “Register Closed” sign, he turned to me. “You need to go home.”

  I blinked away more tears. I didn’t have a home to go to. “Please don’t make me leave.”

  “I don’t know what’s going on in your personal life, but I can’t have you crying in front of customers.”

  “I really need the money.” I was going to have to pay a month’s rent and the security deposit on a new place soon. I had nowhere near that amount in my bank account, and Chantel would never give me back any part of the deposit we’d split.

  Although Travis frowned at me, his hard eyes softened. “Go take your break early, then. The back room’s empty.”

  I did as he said, checking the clock to make sure I wouldn’t take a single extra minute.

  I just needed to hold it together for the rest of this shift, and then I’d get to see Sydney.

  *

  I checked my phone as I got into my car, exhausted. There were fourteen new texts, twelve of which were from Chantel. I started to delete those without reading them, then hesitated. I left them alone, knowing I’d give in and look at them later.

  For now, I checked the ones from Sydney. I thought you were at the shelter. Are you around?

  And then, I’m done with my shift. Heading home. Call me??

  Oh, hell… I hadn’t thought to ask her what time she’d be at Open Heart today. I hadn’t been thinking straight since I left my apartment on Thursday night.