Shatter Me

by Kim Hartfield

  So which was it? Was she into me, but felt too weird about it? Or was she not into me at all? I ran back over what’d happened between us, and couldn’t quite come to a conclusion. She had wanted me to stay… and she’d kissed me… but she’d pulled away, too, and of course she’d told me to leave.

  “I don’t think there’s a way to guess,” I called over to Virginia. “If I want to know how she feels, I’m going to have to ask.”

  I knew what I wanted at this point… and I knew that it wouldn’t come to me all on its own.

  If I wanted to be with Sydney, I was going to have to woman up and ask her out. And that was exactly what I planned to do… as soon as I worked up the nerve.

  *

  I finished the first draft of my latest article and flipped my laptop shut. I loved working from home – no commute, no coworkers, and no need to change out of my pajamas.

  I didn’t miss a single thing about working at the grocery store. Not repetitive tasks, not the annoying customers. Best of all, my new job stimulated my mind and made me feel like I was making a difference in the world.

  With my work for the day done, I waved to Virginia and headed out of the door. All day, an idea had been brewing at the back of my mind, and now I intended to put it into practice.

  My first stop was the flower shop at the mall. They sold me a bouquet of twelve roses, the dark red breathtakingly set off by a few sprigs of baby’s breath. I waited impatiently for them to wrap it up, and once it was under my arm, I went straight to the chocolatier. One gourmet selection of milk and dark chocolate later, I headed back to my car.

  The route to Sydney’s place was still fresh in my mind, and it only took a few minutes for me to get there. I took a deep breath before I got out of the car. Was I really going to do this? Grand romantic gestures weren’t my strong suit. Chantel had always been the one doing stuff like this for me, trying to win me over. Or to apologize after she’d done something awful.

  Sydney wasn’t like Chantel, and that could only be a good thing. Chantel’s sweet words and suave actions had seemed great at the time, but her abusive nature had ruined all of it. Now I had to date like a normal person – I had to put in effort rather than passively allowing someone else to romance me.

  Sydney seemed like she wasn’t sure about me, and that was okay. That was normal. When Chantel had gone over the top trying to win my heart at the start of our relationship, she hadn’t even known me yet. That should’ve been a sign that something was wrong. She’d liked the imaginary version of me she’d constructed more than the actual me, and when I couldn’t live up to that idea – when I was a real, breathing human – she’d hurt me.

  So even if Sydney wasn’t totally sure about this, I was okay with that. I was sure about her, and this time it wasn’t because of any imaginary constructions. I already knew the real her. I’d gotten to know her very well in the past few months, and I knew just how amazing and generous and caring she was.

  She was an absolute catch – someone I would’ve given my right arm to be with. So even if I was nervous, even if I wasn’t sure how this would go, I had to try anyway. She was worth it.

  Throwing back my shoulders, I got out of the car. I buzzed her apartment, and…

  No answer. Oh, God, she wasn’t home. What if she was out? She didn’t have any regular volunteer commitments on Sundays, and where else would she be at two-thirty in the afternoon? Oh, hell, what if she was on a date? I didn’t know any details of what might or might not have been happening in her love life.

  Just as I began to freak out, the buzzer sounded and her voice came through. “Hello?”

  “Hey, it’s me.” I hesitated. “Lora.”

  “What? Oh…” The door swung open, and I stepped through.

  My heart pounded as I rode the elevator. I should’ve called before I came. Should’ve at least texted. I hadn’t even thought about what I’d do if she was busy or not home. As if she just sat around all day waiting for me to come by!

  At last I reached her door, and she let me in. Her slim body was wrapped in a silky bathrobe, her face bare, her hair swept into a messy low ponytail. She looked less put-together than I’d ever seen her, and somehow she was more gorgeous than ever.

  “Oh, God, I woke you up,” I said.

  She blinked lethargically. “I enjoy sleeping in from time to time. A bad habit I should probably break. Come in.” She gestured me into the kitchen. “Are you okay, honey? Did something happen with Chantel?”

  I shuffled my feet, painfully aware of the gifts under my arm. “No, I…”

  “Don’t worry. I’ll make you some tea.” She pulled out the kettle. “Or hot chocolate? Would you rather have a hot chocolate?”

  “I’m okay, actually. I…” I hadn’t planned anything to say at this point, and I silently added that to my list of regrets about coming over here. “I just, uh…” Without explaining further, I thrust the flowers and chocolate at her.

  She took them from me slowly, her eyes widening more by the second. “You got me… oh my gosh… these are expensive chocolates, Lora.”

  As if I didn’t know already. “You’re worth it,” I managed. “I liked kissing you last night, and I want to take you on a date soon. If you’re okay with that, I mean.”

  She stared at me, holding the gifts halfway between us as if she was considering whether to hand them back to me. “You should’ve called before you spent all this money. We could’ve talked, and…”

  “And you could’ve let me down gently?” My stomach twisted in a knot.

  “New job or not, I know you’re not in a situation to be spending like this.”

  “Would you forget about the money?” I pushed the gifts back at her, just firmly enough to make her hold them to her chest. “I got them because I thought you’d like them and I wanted you to have them. After everything you’ve done for me, I don’t think it’s a big deal.”

  She set the flowers and chocolate on her counter and sank into a chair. “That’s the thing, isn’t it?” She looked up at me, her expression tired. “Do you like me, or do you like what I do for you?”

  “I like you.”

  There was hope in her eyes, but she quickly crushed it. “The kiss was a mistake. I can’t date you. You’re too vulnerable. You need to start dating again on your own schedule, not when some predatory older woman decides to kiss you.”

  My jaw dropped open. Was that really how she saw herself? “I’m not vulnerable anymore,” I said. “I kissed you back, you didn’t plant one on me without consent. And you are the absolute, complete opposite of predatory.”

  She bit her lip. “I don’t know. You’re amazing, Lora, but maybe you just have some kind of reverse white-knight complex.”

  “As in, you were the white knight who rescued me, and that made me attracted to you?” I coughed. “Somehow I don’t think that’s the case, seeing as I’ve been attracted to you since the day I walked into Intersectional Gender Studies in an International Context.”

  “Really?” Her eyes softened, but her lips pursed. “I’ve always been an authority figure to you, though. We’re more equal now than we’ve ever been, but how could we ever truly see each other as peers?”

  “I don’t have an answer for you, Sydney. I just know I want to make this work… or at least try it.” I stepped closer to her, so that I was standing right in front of her chair. Somehow I found the courage to brush my fingers against her shoulder, and I was rewarded with a shiver.

  “I would love to go on a date with you,” she said slowly, looking up at me with nothing but sincerity in her eyes. “I just want to be sure…”

  I nodded. At least I had the answer to my burning question. She did want to be with me, after all. Thinking quickly, I came up with an idea. “What about this? What if we try dating, and you don’t help me with anything for a month?”

  She blinked. “Not help you?”

  I sat in the chair next to her, brave enough to put my hand on her knee. “Not at all. No ask
ing me about Chantel. No giving me advice. No reading my articles. No buying me hot chocolate, even.”

  “But…”

  I squeezed her knee, hoping to reassure both her and myself. What if there was nothing left to our relationship once we took the helping component away? What if she lost her attraction to me once she wasn’t my “white knight” anymore? What if I lost my attraction to her? I didn’t even know if we’d have things to talk about if we followed my plan.

  “We could try it,” I said. “If it doesn’t work, it doesn’t work. We’ll just be right back where we started.”

  “No, we’ll be worse, because we’ll both have lost a good friend.”

  “Don’t say that.” I took her hand in both of mine. “This friendship is strong enough to survive, even if dating doesn’t work out.” At least I hoped that was true, because at the moment, I wasn’t sure if it was strong enough to survive the experiment we were about to put it through.

  Slowly, she nodded. “I might be out of my mind for this, but… okay. Let’s give this a try.”

  My pulse raced. It sounded like she’d just said she was willing to date me. I must’ve misheard her – I couldn’t be that lucky.

  All of this had to be some kind of mistake. My bravery in coming over here, the kiss we’d shared last night… I must’ve imagined all of it.

  I looked into Sydney’s gorgeous eyes, and I still couldn’t convince myself I had half a chance with her. There was only one way to find out.

  I leaned in, and she met me halfway. Our lips grazed together, and as my body thrummed with happiness, her sweet scent drifted into my nose.

  “So when do you want to go on our first date?” I asked, nuzzling into her neck.

  “Hmm…” She caressed my hair. “How about tonight?”

  “I’m free if you are.”

  I left her condo, my heart overflowing with joy.

  Sydney liked me – she really liked me. All I had to do now was not fuck this up.

  Twenty-Two – Sydney

  I combed my hair so the blonde strands fell neatly around my face. After brushing on some mascara, I dabbed my lips with gloss. I didn’t want to look like I’d spent hours getting ready for this date – even if truthfully, it was all I’d been thinking about since Lora left this afternoon.

  Over text, we’d decided to grab dinner at a casual restaurant and catch a movie. We’d been to that restaurant a few times before, and seen movies together from time to time, too. I shouldn’t have been so nervous… but this time, it was a date.

  I’d been on plenty of dates in my life – none recently, but still, it wasn’t a new thing for me. Why was my heart pounding so hard? I was going to have to change my top if I kept sweating like this.

  Of course, I knew the reason. Lora was amazing and wonderful and unique… and I was terrified that if things didn’t go well, I’d leave her even more damaged than she already was.

  Up to now, I’d only been in her life at a safe distance. We spent time together, but our interactions were usually for some purpose. If we dated, I’d be taking on a much greater role in her life – and with a greater role, there was a greater potential to hurt her.

  Obviously I wasn’t abusive, nor would I ever be, so I was already a step above her ex. Still, there were so many things that could go wrong. I’d never cheat on anyone I was dating, or do anything that could be traumatic. But insensitivity? Rudeness? Forgetting a birthday? All of those were possible, and I feared it’d hit Lora hard if that was ever the case.

  “You don’t need to be perfect,” I said out loud to my reflection in the mirror. “You just need to be yourself.”

  At least, I hoped that’d be good enough.

  It was time to go, so I headed for my car. I’d offered to pick Lora up, conscious that if the night went well, we might be coming back to one of our places… together.

  When I arrived, she gave me a peck on the cheek – an innocent gesture that set my heart racing. “I’m still not quite ready,” she said, although she looked perfect to me. “You can play with Virginia for a minute.”

  The kitten was on her bed, apparently knocked out. I scratched behind her ears, and she purred. Glancing up, I watched Lora lift her hair and put on a necklace. Her neckline was as delicate and graceful as the rest of her, and my breath caught in my throat.

  I was sitting on her bed. If she came over here and kissed me right now, we could be having sex in about a minute. The thought made my core flutter, even though I knew she wasn’t going to do that. And even if she did kiss me, we’d had two chaste make-outs so far. A simple kiss didn’t mean she was going to fondle my breasts or let me take off her clothes…

  I jumped up before my train of thought could go any further. “Do you need help with that?” I asked, reaching for her already-clasped necklace.

  She gave me a funny look. “No, I’m ready. And you can’t help me, remember?”

  A nervous laugh came out of me. “Guess it’s a bad habit.”

  We made small talk on our way to the restaurant, avoiding any discussion of how this might be different from a normal night together. When we’d been seated and the waiter had poured us water, she brushed her hand against mine and held up her glass. “To trying new things.”

  I clinked my glass against hers. “To experiments that we actually stick to.”

  “Don’t worry, I’ll call you on it again if you try to help me.” Her eyes fixed on my hand, which was picking up the water jug. Only her glass was empty. “Like now.”

  “Oops.” I set the jug down. “This is going to be harder than I expected.”

  “I’ll call you on it as many times as I need to.” She smiled, looking at me fondly. “Besides, it’s only for a month.”

  It looked like it was going to be a long month. “What do you think you’re going to get?” I asked, handing her a menu.

  She inspected hers. “I don’t know. I could go for some pasta, or the risotto sounds good.”

  “The pasta here is great – or does that qualify as offering you advice?”

  She gave me a languid shrug, her bare shoulders glimmering in the light. “I’ll accept it for now. Just don’t tell me which one to get.”

  Once we ordered, the conversation started to feel more normal. We chatted about Virginia and her quirks, which were always fun to hear about. It seemed that the kitten was developing a habit of following Lora around, and given the size of her studio, she was always tripping over her.

  I held back from offering any tips on how to train Virginia out of that behavior. Lora didn’t seem to see it as a problem, and if she did, she could always Google it.

  We talked about the classes I was teaching this semester, and a little about Lora’s work. She seemed as antsy as me when the conversation turned that way, as if she was also thinking about how I usually offered her advice about work.

  “It might be better to talk about something else,” she said, confirming my suspicion. “It’s not that I don’t appreciate all the feedback you’ve given me on my articles, but…”

  “Say no more.” I held up my hands.

  Our food had just arrived, so I dug into my plate of lamb. Lora had gone for the pasta, and she moaned in appreciation as she took a bite. “You were right about this,” she said.

  “Don’t put it that way. I didn’t tell you to get it.” I smiled to let her know I was joking.

  She put her hand over mine, and the warmth of her fingers sent heat flooding through my system. “I know you didn’t, and I’m very happy about that.”

  I sipped my water, hoping it’d cool me off. She had me so warm inside that even my cheeks had to be going pink, and I could only hope she wouldn’t notice.

  When the bill came, I tried my best to take it. She wanted to pay, too, and wouldn’t back down, so we eventually compromised and went Dutch.

  “Not too romantic,” I grumbled.

  “There’s plenty of time for romance. The night’s not over yet.” She gave me a seductive smile, and I
was glad I was sitting, because she’d just made my knees weak.

  “So, a movie.” I pulled out my phone to check the show times. “Did you still want to see the new Will Smith one? We’re running a bit late for the 7:40, but we could make the 8:10 easily, even though it’s farther away.”

  Lora fidgeted as if she was unsure. “I guess we could make it to the 8:10, unless…”

  “Unless?” The way she was looking at me had my mind in the gutter.

  She grabbed her purse. “Unless nothing. Let’s go see Will Smith beat up some aliens.”

  “Sounds like a plan.”

  *

  After the movie, I brought Lora back to her place. The mood between us had been lightened by all the laughter in the theater, and we were still chuckling as I pulled into her building’s driveway.

  I brought the car to a halt in front of her door. “This was wonderful,” I said, turning to face her. “I had a really great time. We should do it again.”

  She licked her lips, reminding me that I hadn’t kissed her yet tonight. After a moment of hesitation, she leaned in and brushed those lips against my cheek. I caught her by the shoulder and pulled her in for a proper kiss.

  Maybe I should’ve been getting used to kissing her at this point, but I wasn’t. Once again, the simple graze of her lips on mine set my nerves alight. As she deepened the kiss, I shifted the car into park. I didn’t mind if she wanted to stay here for a while.

  Another long kiss, and she broke away, her eyes glimmering. “Would you like to come up for a nightcap?”

  I grinned. “I thought you’d never ask.”

  I kept my hand on her knee, driving one-handed as I found a parking spot. She took my hand as we went upstairs, and the anticipation had my heart pounding as much as the three-flight stair climb.

  I didn’t know for sure that we’d have sex, of course. I was perfectly happy to have a glass of wine and call it a night, if that was what Lora wanted – although I didn’t plan to leave without another taste of her delicious lips.