Weird Theology

by Alex Raizman

  Ryan nodded. Ending the world was a terrible thing to contemplate, but this...this was something he could get behind. I mean, it’s still bugnuts crazy. But at least she doesn’t seem like a psychopath. “Okay, so...what are the rules then?”

  “That’s the thing, love. I don’t know all of them - if I had, I would have found the loopholes and used them. Here’s what I know for sure: no one god is powerful enough to end the world, except you’re the Eschaton. You get one shot at it. The ability to exert your power on a global scale. When you do, it’s a sacrifice of...not the people. There’s power in human sacrifice, but that’s not...not the same that you’ll find in this. You’re sacrificing an entire era, an epoch. The power from that is enough to stop the bloody sun from exploding.” Crystal tried to force a smile and failed miserably. “So, that’s a plus right there, love. If you can’t end the world, I’m lying to begin with, right?”

  “Sure, but-”

  “No. Ryan. No buts.” The moisture in her eyes was beginning to spill over and out. “I was the bloody Eschaton. I know how badly buts go. So please, please, don’t try and not end it. Find a better way.”

  Ryan took a deep breath. “Okay. Crystal, I promise.” Assuming what you’re saying bears out. The promise was made more to comfort the woman in front of him, not anything else.

  She sighed with relief and finally stepped away from him. “I must look a right mess, yeah? Let me freshen up.” She walked, and a curtain of silver rose around her.

  “One problem,” he said, unintentionally adopting the raised voice used to speak to someone in the shower. “We’re not going to get a damn thing done with Enki breathing down our neck like that.”

  “I was thinking about that while I was trying to get to sleep. We need to call up the other gods. Enki won’t take long to get back up to full strength. He took less of a beating than we did.” Her voice echoed on the silver curtain. “And you’ve got some tricks, but you’re still Nascent, and I don’t like my odds one on one against him.”

  “There’s more out there?” As soon as the words were out of his mouth, Ryan realized how stupid they were. Of course there were other gods out there. Every culture had their own religions, their own belief systems. Why hadn’t it occurred to him that there would be more? In my defense, I’ve been a bit busy.

  Ryan was relieved Crystal was giving the question an actual answer. “Oh, of course. Where do you think all the bloody myths and legends come from? I’m done back here, you want a go?” She stepped out. Her hair was impeccable, her clothing new and fresh, and she was even wearing makeup.

  “Uh...sure.” He stepped behind the curtain. Light began to play over his body. “But…” Ryan sighed. “Crystal, we’re not exactly the good guys here, are we?”

  “How do you figure?”

  “Well, you said we’re going to be the ones ending the world, right? I mean, I don’t know much about this whole thing, but don’t we sound like the bad guys? ‘Brave hero ends the world’ isn’t exactly the kind of story that’s easy for people to swallow.” Hell, I’m having trouble swallowing it. Ryan knew he was supposed to just ‘roll with it’, but the idea of ending the world wasn’t the kind of thing that could sink in over the course of a few days and a couple of battles. Right now, the only thing keeping him going was the idea that if Crystal was lying to him, he didn’t have to end the world.

  “I won’t lie, love, a lot of people are going to see it that way. Most of them will sit on their hands and wait to see how things shake out. But if we don’t get allies, we’re completely hosed. So we’ve got to at least make the effort, yeah? Otherwise, best find Enki and let him kill you this time.”

  Ryan shuddered at the thought. “Fine, I guess. So how do we call them up? Do you guys have phone numbers or something?”

  She laughed outside the curtain. “Hardly. Only one group can contact them all in time: the Curators.” Crystal paused, then sighed. “Technically I suppose the angels could, but they’re a stubborn bunch. Plus, there’s a bit of a...ruckus going on for them with Hell right now, so they’re kind of busy, yeah?”

  “I’m sorry, what? A ruckus in Hell?”

  Crystal nodded. “Long story. Lucifer got tired of billions of years on the throne. Gave it to the next bloke that stumbled into the pit. It got messy.”

  “Wait, Hell is real? Lucifer is real? And he did...what?”

  “Ryan, love,” Crystal said with a small smile, “the universe spins on without us. Other gods have other things going on, same with angels and all that. If you try to keep track of it all, you’ll be too distracted to worry about the problems in front of us. So why don’t you just-”

  Ryan cut her off. He didn’t think he could stand to be told to roll with it again. She has to be pulling my leg, anyway. Instead, he focused on the bit about the Curators. “Don’t suppose we can get the Curators on our side?”

  “Nope. They’re neutral as all else. Nice thought though.”

  He stepped out from behind the curtain. He felt cleaner and neater. He ran his hand through his hair and found it untangled. It didn’t ache anymore from when Enki had tossed him by it, but the memory of the pain lingered. Everything else was painful. That part right there was downright embarrassing. “Hey, any chance this thing can cut my hair off? After what happened last time, I think I’d like to drop from six inches to a nice buzz cut or something.”

  She nodded, touching a few buttons. “Step back there, I’ve got you.”

  Ryan felt a buzzing sensation against his scalp and his hair fell to the floor, now down to a nice smooth cut. “Wow. Thanks. How does that even work anyway? I just step in here and...poof, I’m clean?”

  “Something we had back in old Lemuria,” Crystal said with a trace of pride. “I can’t remember the bloody name for the thing, but it uses concentrated soundwaves. Creates a counterwave to not burst your bloody eardrums.”

  Ryan frowned. “Two things. You can’t remember the name of a machine you own?”

  “I’m a million years old. You forget things.”

  Or that’s just a fancy way to say I should roll with it. Ryan decided not to press the issue. There were plenty of things he wanted to know, that he didn’t understand, but the name of Crystal’s sound machine wasn’t high enough on that list. “Fair. But soundwaves did your hair and put on you makeup?”

  “Oh, no, love, not at all. Being a bloody goddess did that.” Crystal’s face shifted, and in an instant, she looked as unkempt as she had when she’d gotten out of bed. A moment later she shifted back. “You’ll learn the trick love. Unless you’re a Protean, shapeshifting like that takes a bit to learn. You won’t need a haircut again once you do though!”

  Ryan almost asked how it cut his hair, but he was able to answer his own question before the words were out of his mouth. I can buy soundwaves slicing it short, I guess. Besides, she’d used a new term there, and Ryan was finding it hard to keep up. “A Protean?”

  “Someone who picks up shapeshifting before they do twisting reality. They’re pretty bloody rare, though.” Crystal gave him a smile. “And that’s enough, love. Back to the business at hand. The Curators, yeah?”

  Ryan knew that tone of voice. To avoid getting told to roll with it, he shifted the conversation back to where it had been. “Okay, so what, we contact the Curators and see what allies we can get for this?”

  “That’s the plan, at least. I’ll set a course for their home base, yeah? We’ll be there in a couple hours.”

  Ryan nodded. “So why did Enki call you Ishtar?”

  Crystal gave a nonchalant shrug, undoing her hair to let it fall around her shoulders. “It was a name I used, long ago. Back in Sumeria, and again in Babylon. I’ve changed names a few times throughout the centuries, love, but Ishtar’s what I’m best known by. I prefer Crystal, though. It’s probably the closest to the English version of my real name.

  “Speaking of English, I’ve been wondering something…” Ryan said hesitantly, hoping he wouldn’t get shot down
again.

  “Oh, bloody hell.” Crystal forced a smile. “Yeah?”

  “Sorry, it’s just...why the fake British accent?”

  Crystal blinked at him. “Beg your pardon? What do you mean, fake British accent?”

  “You sound like someone faking a British accent.”

  “I’ll have you know, I have an excellent British accent,” Crystal said, her voice growing heated.

  Ryan’s eyebrows furrowed. “No, you don’t.”

  “I bloody well do. I’ve been working on it for centuries!”

  “It needs more work.” Ryan said dryly, and Crystal pursed her lips. “Look, we can agree to disagree on that. But...why even fake a British accent?”

  “What should I have been doing in the 1800’s? An American accent? That meant sod all back then, the Brits still ran half the bloody globe. If I wanted to blend in, it was best to learn the accent everyone was used to, yeah? Couldn’t go around speaking like I didn’t know the language. Then it was too much of an effort to learn to mangle the language the way you Americans do, so I stuck with it.”

  Ryan held up a hand. “Makes sense.” It really doesn’t, Ryan thought, but from the way she was glowering at him, the sharp edge to her tone, Ryan decided the last thing he wanted to do was stumble upon the one thing that could offend Crystal, which was apparently her British accent. Also, it’s getting worse as the conversation goes on. I should not try to push her into saying “pip pip”. The thought made him grin. “So, if we’ve got a couple hours, any idea what we should do?”

  Before he could finish the sentence, Crystal stepped forward, surprising him as her hand went up to his cheek, and she went on her toes so that her lips met his. It was an intense kiss, a passionate kiss. There was a hunger in that kiss, a need, and Ryan’s shock was obliterated like a bomb had gone off underneath his brain as he responded to it, wrapping his arms around her waist and drawing her closer until their bodies were molded together.

  “I think we can find a way to pass the time, yeah?” She said, breaking the kiss with a smile.

  Desire and confusion warred within Ryan, and the confusion managed to get control of his mouth. “I...but Crystal, wh-”

  Crystal’s hands hadn’t left the back of his head, and she pulled him in again, their lips locking with that smoldering hunger that set his heart racing, not with panic, but with excitement and anticipation. When she broke the kiss again, she was grinning even wider. “Ryan, love? Why ask questions? Unless you’re not interested - and say so if you’re not.” The grin turned impish. “Although I’ll be surprised if you do.”

  For a moment Ryan considered it. He couldn’t help it. His heart was pounding, he felt his hands begin to tremble. His eyes flitted about the room, and it was empty, just a field of stars and galaxies. One of Crystal’s hands slid from his back to cup his cheek. “We’re alone. You’re safe, and no one’s watching. Take a deep breath and just roll with it, love.”

  That was enough. He leaned down to be the one to kiss her this time and, for once, without reservation, he rolled with it.

  ◆◆◆

  Ryan rolled over to look at Crystal as she was getting dressed. “So…what was that?”

  “That, love, was sex. Are you not familiar with the concept?” She gave him an impish grin, and he blushed.

  “No, I know what sex is, but...why? I mean, you seemed pretty pissed at me, and there was no indication that...” Ryan shrugged. “I didn’t think you were interested?”

  She laughed, pulling her pants the rest of the way up. “I wasn’t, and then I was. We were both Hungry, of course.”

  Ryan blinked at that. “What...what do you mean?” Please don’t eat me, Ryan thought in a moment of insane panic.

  She sighed, though she still had a smile. “Better band aid this, then. Ryan, look at me.” Half-dressed, she put her hands on her waist and cocked her hips just enough to be enticing. She hadn’t gotten around to putting on a shirt yet. “Do you want to go for another round?”

  “I mean-”

  “Shush. Wait. Really think about it. Don’t go with your first reaction, yeah? Really, really think about it. Do you want to go again?”

  He thought carefully, looking at her. She was beautiful. Of course she is, Ryan thought. He had been schlubby and out of shape not long ago. As soon as he squeezed his nanoverse, he’d become an ideal version of himself. Crystal’d had millenia to be a human, why wouldn’t she have been as beautiful as she could? I know I’m going to be doing the same...His mind wandered at the forms he could adopt. And you’re getting distracted while looking at a beautiful, half naked woman. That snapped the realization into place. He had as much desire for her as he would for the Venus de Milo. Only that wasn’t quite right. He wouldn’t want to sleep with a statue, but there was still a physical attraction there. If he walked over there right now and kissed her, and she responded, he had no doubt they’d enjoy going back to bed together. But there wasn’t an urge to do it.

  “I...no, I don’t.”

  She nodded and turned around to finish dressing “And while that was some very nice sex, I don’t want you either. Any more than I want another sandwich, or to sleep some more. We’re gods, love. We don’t have mortal hungers anymore.”

  He felt his brow furrow. “Mortal hungers?”

  She looked up at the starscape above them as she finished buttoning her shirt. Her frown had a playful edge to it, mock frustration in every line. “Can’t you just roll with it?”

  He let out a slight chuckle. “I did earlier.”

  That got a laugh at least. “Cheeky bugger. Fine. Get dressed and I’ll give you a version you’ll understand.”

  He got out of bed, looking for the clothes that they had, in their haste, scattered around the planetarium. The idea should have excited him...but didn’t.

  “So,” Crystal said, walking over to the control panel that had risen back out of the ground while he searched for his shirt. “Mortals are defined by five Hungers that separate them from us. Food, Drink, Air, Rest, and Company - the last of which includes sex. Every mortal hungers in one fashion or another for all of those.”

  Ryan nodded thoughtfully. “I mean, the first four are biology. But not everyone wants Company - loners do exist.”

  “Oh, of course. But they still get it, yeah?” Seeing the confusion on his face, she adopted what he was beginning to think of as her “patient voice.” “What do loners usually do?”

  He scratched his chin. “Uh...read, watch tv, play video games-”

  The tone she used to interrupt him was still encouraging. “Art. It’s a passive interaction, sure, but they are getting that Hunger filled with the art of other humans. And when they don’t, they get it from nature, or pets, or from whatever. Everyone has something or someone or some idea or cause they bond with, yeah?”

  “Okay,” he said, biting his cheek in thought as he did. “I’ll accept that. So we...don’t?”

  “Not unless we burn a lot of power, become more mortal. Like we did against Enki. Then those desires come flooding back, and it’s best to fill them. Take a few deep breaths, have a bite or six, down a bottle of water, take a nap, and get some time with people - and the quickest way to satisfy that last one is a good old-fashioned boffing, yeah?” She grinned at him with the last line. “Always make sure once you burn through everything to that degree that you fill each Hunger somehow. Otherwise it’ll fester and grow, and you’ll end up like Zeus, as a best-case scenario. It gets even worse if you can’t fill them in time.”

  Ryan knew enough myths to shudder at the thought. If those were even half-true... “Okay, point taken. But...I’ll never again enjoy a good meal unless I burn through power? Or enjoy sex?”

  “See, this is why I don’t like explaining things. You keep going to the worst possible conclusion. You can still enjoy a good meal, a good drink, a good shag You just don’t feel a need to.” She finished working the control panel. “Curators are coming up soon, and I’m bored with lesson time. Th
at at least satisfy you?”

  “Oh hell yes,” he said, grinning. She laughed, but he noticed with even the innuendo, he didn’t feel any stirring, any desire to take her back to bed. Academically it sounded fun, sure, and from what she said it would still feel good - but he didn’t feel an urge to do it. “One last question.” Crystal rolled her eyes good naturedly as Ryan continued, “So you’re saying every time I burn through that much power, I’ll need to get laid?”

  She shook her head. “Or go to a party, or have a good conversation, or read a book, love. Last one’s my favorite. Sex is just best when time is short, yeah?”

  “Yeah,” he said, nodding. “I understand.”

  “Good. One more thing because I know you, and you’re going to think to ask this at some point soon.” He gave her a raised eyebrow and she continued, “Love and sex are different things, yeah? Nothing’s going to stop you from falling in love, having romance, all that good stuff. Just keep in mind we live for thousands of years, so those relationships tend to end in breakups.”

  “Oh yeah?” Ryan gave her a grin, although he was glad she had answered that question before he had thought of it. “Don’t suppose you have any good stories there.”

  Crystal shook her head and chuckled. “Oh, I do. Don’t hold your breath on getting them anytime soon, especially because we’ve arrived. Officium Mundi, their home plane.” She began walking towards the door that appeared.

  “Wait, what should I expect out there?”

  She looked back over her shoulder, and didn’t stop walking as she did so. “What do you think I’m going to say, love?”