Weird Theology

by Alex Raizman

  "Nothing so crass, just a general feeling that the statement can be trusted. And I'm sorry about that trick with the email but needed to make sure it didn't get lost in the shuffle." Amy tensed slightly at his tone, like a tiger preparing to pounce. Ryan checked himself. This woman put some kind of spell on your email, Ryan, one that made you read it.

  He suddenly realized exactly how far out of his depth he was, and he’d already been thrown into the deep end at the start of all this. For all Ryan knew Amy could squash him like a bug. Let’s not find out how strong she is, okay? Or, for that matter, her boss. Ryan went forward in a more level tone, "No harm, no foul. And there's more? You did say for starters."

  She nodded. "We know about that little trick Moloch pulled in Texas. We're terminating our relationship with him - that's not part of a deal, that's just because he's a prick."

  Ryan blinked. “You had a relationship with Moloch?”

  Amy shook her head. “The old management did. He would take out people Lucifer didn’t like. In exchange, Lucifer would pass him intel on something Moloch wanted to watch. Sorry that we don’t know what. But we’re terminating it regardless - he never dealt with us, and he’s a prick.” Even Athena gave a faint smile at that. "But we want to help even the odds for you next time you go up against him. Arthur's willing to commit a full legion of demons to your cause - completely obedient to the three of you until Enki is defeated once and for all, at which point they'll return to hell immediately."

  Ryan let out a low whistle. While he couldn't be sure what exactly a legion of demons was capable of, it certainly sounded impressive - and the look on Athena's face confirmed that.

  "A fairly large offer," Athena said, glancing at Ryan. "But what does he want in return?"

  "It's actually fairly low cost to you, though I'll admit it involves a fair bit of trust. Like I said earlier, Arthur is trying to make Hell a better place. Heaven? Not a huge fan of that. We have a plan to win, but it involves busting the Underworld deities out of their prisons. Since you all have nanoverses and can jump around like that, he wants you all to break them free."

  "He wants us to help him win a war against Heaven?" Athena sounded thoughtful, and Ryan had to scratch his chin. Normally he'd think it would be a terrible thing to do, but...well, they were going to end the world fairly soon, and when your To Do list included beat an evil god, wait for your friend to come back from the dead, and end the world, adding something like 'help Hell against Heaven' felt pretty minor at the end of the day. On the other hand...Ryan had read Faust in college. He’d seen both version of Bedazzled. It was pretty much impossible to grow up in the West and not know how bad deals with the devil went. He looked at Athena, whose frown matched his own thoughts.

  “I’m a bit worried about cutting a deal with the Devil,” Ryan said. “Usually, that ends badly for everyone but your side.”

  “You’re thinking of old management, remember? Arthur doesn’t like trapping people in complex legal bullshit.” Amy’s smile widened. “Oh, sure, we make sure the deal ends up being as much to our benefit as possible. I mean, we’re still kinda human. But if we start trapping people like that, we’ll end up as despised as the old guy was.”

  Ryan scratched his chin again. “Then again, that’s what you would say if you wanted me to believe you.”

  Amy sighed, leaning forward on her desk. “Ryan. That line of logic means you can’t trust a single thing I say. The facts of the matter are this: you are outmatched. You need backup. We have a plan, but it requires that we have divine aid to accomplish it. We need you. It’s the very definition of a mutually beneficial relationship. No tricks, no web of lies, no misdirection. We both want something the other one has. We’re dealing in good faith.”

  Ryan glanced at Athena, whose frown had deepened. “What do you know that we don’t, Heresiarch? Why do we need an army?”

  Amy smiled. “I was going to save this for later, but no reason to hold back. Because Moloch didn’t throw his best army at you in Granger. He’s got something nastier in his back pocket. It’s not going to be an even fight, god against god. It’s going to be god against god backed by monsters.”

  “What’s this army?” Athena asked, her eyes narrow.

  “Don’t know, sadly.” Amy shrugged. “My boss is working on it, but a lot of paperwork got lost.” She looked between them. “Athena. Ryan. I’m dealing as honestly as possible here. You need our help. We need yours. This shouldn’t be complicated.

  It wouldn’t be if you weren’t in league with Hell, Ryan thought. He glanced at Athena, who gave him a slight nod. Guess it’s time to roll the dice. "Deal." Ryan sounded every bit as sure as he felt, which wasn't half as sure as he wished he was.

  "My favorite word." Amy offered a hand, and they shook on it. She handed him a case. "Here's a rune to summon and banish the legion when you're ready. We'll be releasing press statements within the hour. And when it's time to hold up your end, Arthur will give you a call. Which reminds me - in the case is also a set of soul-powered runeforged phones. They work across dimensions, and Arthur's really pushing getting everyone on these so we supernatural types can stay in touch better."

  "I'll try it out," said Ryan. Once I'm sure it's not just some fancy way for your boss to spy on everyone.

  "Great. Now, and please don't think I'm being rude here, but I do have a call coming about getting on TV to debate some evangelist asshole. If you can, you should check it out - it's going to be legendary."

  They said their goodbyes and headed out of the office.

  "I think that went well," Ryan commented to Athena, who still looked thoughtful.

  "We shall see. I think, at least, we did not get the raw end of the deal. Now, then - we really must see to our Hungers, yes?"

  Ryan couldn't argue that point, not with how he'd devoured the sandwich like he hadn't eaten in weeks. Also, he noted the “our” this time - I must not have been passed out as long as I thought, otherwise she would have taken care of the Hungers already. "Any good ideas for how to take care of the Social need quickly?" At the look Athena gave him, he winced. "I didn't mean-"

  "I know." Her eyes slightly sparkled with mischief, and Ryan noticed that now that they were alone, her voice was getting some inflection back. "We're going to go dancing instead. We'll need to change first to blend in, follow me."

  He fell in behind her, wondering why they weren't headed back to her nanoverse to change and where, exactly, she was going.

  Chapter 18

  How the Divine Unwind

  Athena was, much to his surprise, taking Ryan shopping. The store was the sort of up-scale location that Ryan had seen in TV shows and movies but never been in before - he thought that, technically speaking, it was a boutique, but he couldn't be sure.

  Athena approached shopping with the same ruthless efficiency she used in battle, and Ryan - and the poor woman helping them - found themselves drawn along with her like leaves floating on whitewater rapids. He was poked and prodded and measured, and by the time it was over, Ryan wasn't sure what he had bought, what Athena had bought, or how they'd paid for it. The clerk, for her part, was sure of those things, and was trying to figure how to cash the Roman denarii the strange woman had given her as a tip. She'd faint a couple days later when she found out they appraised at almost 10,000 dollars.

  After shopping they had gone back towards the nanoverse. While they were walking, Ryan turned to Athena. “Why didn’t we just pull clothes out of our nanoverses, anyway? Was there a point to buying them?”

  Athena made a face. "It would be tacky, especially where we’re going.”

  "And where are we going, exactly?"

  This smile actually reached Athena's eyes. "To dance." She'd not been willing to offer any further explanation.

  Back in Athena's nanoverse, they changed as the nanoverse traveled to their mysterious destination. "It might be little while to travel," Athena had said from behind the curtain. "We're going a bit of a long way."

 
"That's fine," Ryan responded, working on the clothes. "I'm still figuring out what I'm putting on myself."

  An exaggeration, but only by half. It was a suit and vest and button-down shirt and tie thing. Prior to this Ryan had the same relationship with suits that cats had with a vacuum cleaner - they were fine when they were in the closet not bothering anyone, but the moment they got anywhere near him it was time to panic.

  He put the whole ensemble on like it might bite him at any moment, but once he was dressed (after using a bit of twisting of the equations that govern how things tangle to make the tie knot itself perfectly) and looking in a mirror, he had to admit it was a good look. Part of it wasn't the clothes, but that thing Crystal had mentioned, where he was becoming an idealized version of himself. He'd lost fat and gained muscle, and the outfit did a good job of accentuating that. Beyond that, though, there was something just classy about the suit-and-vest look. Heh. Me, classy. He barely recognized himself. Not that he had been ugly before, but just...ordinary.

  Then Athena came out from behind her curtain, and he was distracted by the shock how she looked. She looked like...well, she looked nothing like the Athena he’d seen before. She'd traded her usual, functional clothing for a classic “little black dress,” one that flared out a bit after her waist as opposed to hugging her hips and legs. Even dressed up, she's thought of mobility, the analytical part of his brain commented. Her hair, instead of the usual ponytail, was down and loose.

  Overall, the effect made her look like a completely different person. Then she scowled at his silence. Ah, there’s the Athena I know. He realized he should say something and went with the tried and true "You look amazing."

  She gave one of those ghostly smiles in response. "You look presentable." She winked to take the sting out of the comment. "Shall we?"

  Ryan offered his arm, and she took it. They stepped out the doorway and once again, Ryan found himself needing to collect his jaw.

  It was a “club” in the same way a tiger was a cat. Both were technically correct but one was a gross understatement. The first thing he noticed was the ceiling - they were directly under Crab Nebula, close enough where it looked like something out of a photo. Multifaceted lenses dotted the roof to capture and reflect the light from the nebula into rainbow rays that spotted the dance floor. Those rays drew Ryan’s eyes away from the splendor above him and to the splendor below. Three sides of the outer edge were lined with a bar, its surface silver and gold with dozens of bartenders flitting about behind it. The stools at the bar were mostly unoccupied.

  When his eyes moved to the dancers, they needed a moment to process, giving his ears a chance to take over. The music wasn't exactly like anything Ryan had heard before, a mixture of deep club rhythms with a delicate, ethereal melody running above it. His eyes began registering what they were seeing as soon as his ears had picked up the beat, as if having the rhythm added in understanding. The floor was full of dancing beings. There was a man with the wings of a dragonfly, dancing with a woman with pale skin and fangs. Near them a man with the legs of a goat was locked in an intense gaze with a man covered in a serpent's scales. Another woman floated to the ceiling in a graceful leap, all four of her arms spread out in a ballerina's pose and was caught by a man with three faces. All across the floor, a writhing mass of beautiful beings moved in tune with the music.

  Athena glanced over and took a moment to enjoy his stupefied gaze. "Welcome to Empyrean Provocation. Where those with powers beyond mere mortals come to let their hair down."

  "Wow."

  "Indeed. So, Ryan Smith, dance or drinks first?"

  "Drinks," he said, without a moment’s thought. "Definitely drink."

  "Well, you have my arm. Lead on."

  “Athena? Oh my goodness, I didn’t think you’d be showing your face here anytime soon!”

  Ryan didn’t immediately look over to the speaker, instead glancing at Athena. Her lips were a tight white line, and her hands twitched for an instant. She turned to face the speaker, and Ryan turned with her. The speaker was a Japanese woman, who was regarding Athena with a grin full of mischief.

  Athena spoke. “Uzeme. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised to find you here. Do you ever leave?”

  “Of course I do. There’s plenty to do on Earth still. Not that you’d know that – I didn’t think you understood the concept of ‘fun.’ And this? Did you bring a mortal?” Before Athena could answer, Uzeme peered a bit harder at Ryan. “Oh, no, my mistake. It’s the newest god. The one there’s so much fuss about.”

  Athena motioned to Uzeme. “Ryan, Ame-no-Uzeme. She goes by Uzeme. Uzeme, Ryan Smith.”

  Every other time Ryan had met a fellow god had been with a purpose or panic. He suddenly realized he had no idea how to interact with deities beyond those two instances. When in doubt, be polite. He offered a slight, awkward bow towards Uzeme. “Charmed.”

  Uzeme held up her hand to her mouth, a gesture that did nothing to actually contain her mirth. “I appreciate the attempt,” she said, and offered her hand. Ryan shook it, wondering how badly he had just embarrassed himself. “At least you attempt manners. Why don’t you join us?” Uzeme glanced at Athena. “You too.”

  Ryan looked at Athena, who gave him a slight shrug. “Sure,” Ryan said. If nothing else, it’ll be nice to see what gods do when things aren’t desperate. We’re here to socialize, after all.

  Uzeme lead them back to a table where a few more beings, that at least looked human, were sitting. “Everyone, I found the ‘Eschaton’.” Ryan could practically hear the air quotes around the word. “Everyone, meet Ryan. Ryan, meet Svarog, Brigid, and Brahma.” She pointed to each of the gods in turn.

  Svarog was a huge man, bearded and built like a truck, with an easygoing smile. Brigid was pale with bright red hair, and her smile was much more reserved than Svarog’s. Meanwhile, Brahma – an Indian man – stood up to shake Ryan’s hand. “It’s good to finally meet you,” he said, making eye contact, “after everything we’ve been hearing.”

  ​“Thanks,” Ryan said as Uzeme brushed past him to her seat.

  “Oh,” Uzeme added, “I also found Athena.”

  Athena rolled her eyes.

  “Thanks,” Ryan said as Braham offered him a chair. “It’s nice to meet you all.”

  “Believe me, Ryan,” said Svarog, “It is much nicer to be meeting you. First new blood we’ve had in…when was the last one?”

  “The 1800’s, I think,” Brigid said after a pause for thought. “I was beginning to think there were no more nanoverses to find.”

  “Well, good thing there was,” Ryan said, trying to force himself to be at ease. On the other hand…he’d heard of some of these people. Brahma was a big deal in Hinduism, Ryan was sure of that. Uzeme was a major deal, or at least well-known deal, in Shintoism. Then again, Athena is a big deal in Greek mythology. You’d heard of Bast before, too.

  Somehow, this was more nerve wracking when they weren’t trying to kill him.

  “For your sake, absolutely,” Brigid said, and furrowed her eyebrows. “Or did you mean something different?”

  “I mean, otherwise the world would have already ended, right?” After the words were out of Ryan’s mouth, he saw Athena wince.

  The four new gods shared a look. The silence was broken by Svarog bursting into laughter. “Ahh, come now friends! We should not judge him too harshly. He is still Nascent, and Ishtar has been filling his head with nonsense since he found his nanoverse.”

  “She goes by-“ Ryan started to say, but he was interrupted by Uzeme.

  “Of course, that doesn’t excuse everyone who falls for her nonsense. Does it, Pallas Athena?”

  Athena sighed. “Uzeme. It’s real, I’m sure of it. Enki sa-”

  Here Brahma was one to interrupt, although he held up a hand as opposed to just talking over Athena. “Begging your pardon, Athena, but we are talking about Enki here, yes? I hate to resort to an ad hominin so early in the conversation, but Enki is stark raving mad, is he
not?”

  “Oh, he absolutely is,” Athena said, and Ryan noticed how tight her knuckles were getting on the table. “But he-“

  Uzeme interrupted again, turning to Ryan. “Ryan, darling, you’re Nascent so you can’t be expected to know these things. But you’ve fallen in with a bad crowd. Ishtar has managed to piss off pretty much every god and goddess she’s met by being a self-important bitch. Enki is a madman. Moloch is just…I mean, you’ve met Moloch.” She shrugged as if that explained everything, although Ryan didn’t think it did. “Bast has been obsessed with finding a legendary artifact she claims Ra possessed, but Ra has been dead for a millennium and a half and none of the rest of her pantheon has been able to find it. And Athena, well, she was cast out of-”

  Athena returned Uzeme’s habit of interruption. “Uzeme.” The single word cracked in the air like a whip. “If you finish that sentence, I will break the peace of this place and make sure you have to regenerate from only a head.”

  “Now, now, no need for that,” Svarog said. “No one is actually going to violate the sanctity here.”