Weird Theology

by Alex Raizman

  Once he was done, Ryan spoke carefully, calmly. Tick him off, Ryan, and make sure you don't sound desperate. "Hey, Enki, what's the hold up?"

  The response was immediate, the same twisting Ryan had done to get the message to Enki but amplified even further - so much so it was less of a voice Ryan heard, but a physical force pressing down on him. "I'm looking forward to you finally being dead, you little shit."

  Ryan laughed, with more amusement than he felt. "Big talk, Enki, but so far you're not doing well. Our first fight I was still brand new to this, you sucker punched us, and you still lost. Second fight, you ran and hid like a bitch for the whole thing and let your lackeys clean it up. This time? I don't like your odds."

  Ryan could almost see Enki, the veins bulging out of his face and his mean little eyes narrowing to hateful specs. "You think I can't end you? Have you been paying attention to anything that's happened since I got here?"

  "Yeah, I have," Ryan retorted, and he realized Crystal had given him the barb that would force Enki to action. "And I know why you're holding back. You just realized that since no one on our side needs to breathe, you won't have drowning everyone as a fallback when you start losing. I mean, that's what you do, right?"

  Enki blew apart the equation Ryan had set up to allow the echo to carry. Ryan grasped for the binoculars and pulled them up, waiting to see what Enki was going to do about his taunt. On top of the battlements, he could see the stocky man manipulating the fundamental forces of the universe. Okay, good, you got him ticked off enough to attack, now what's he doing...oh god I know that math.

  No time to think. Ryan leapt from the top of the castle, lowering the gravitational constant on himself so he'd hit the ground gently.

  And not a moment too soon. Enki sent, in half the time Týr had needed, a bolt of pure sunlight lancing out of the sky. It blew the clouds away in a ring, punched through the entire castle from top to bottom, and bored into the Earth beneath it. Crystal and Athena were already changing the rules governing heat transfer to keep the damage localized, but it had been a close strike.

  From Enki's side came a horn, and the sound of movement. Ryan ran over to Crystal and Athena, nervous sweat beading his brow where it froze into a frost crown. "I think I managed to get him to come our way!"

  They both gaped at him, then at the castle. Thankfully the beam hadn't destroyed the walls, just punched a hole from roof to floor. "What the bloody hell did you do?" Crystal looked aghast.

  "I taunted him. He's such a sensitive soul, apparently. And he's coming our way."

  Needing no further motivation, the two women leapt to the top of the wall, and Ryan followed, putting the binoculars back to his eyes. Enki's army was on the march, with Enki and Bast at the head. He didn't see Moloch, but given Moloch’s modus operandi so far, he was likely staying in the castle and watching. Ryan waited and watched until he could start making out more detail on the soldiers, then handed the binoculars to Crystal. "Any idea what he has with them?" They looked fairly human, clad in armor and carrying medieval weapons, but Ryan could now see they had two golden irises in each overly large eye, and what he'd first thought were fur coverings on their arms and legs were now clearly their actual fur.

  She focused for a moment and then swore. "They're varcolaci."

  Athena muttered a curse as well.

  "What's a varcolac?" Ryan asked, squinting - like that would help. But there were some habits that didn't die easy, and one of them were absolutely futile gestures like thinking that narrowing your eyes would magnify your sight somehow.

  "Bloody Romanian monsters," Crystal said, sweeping the binoculars over the group. "Worst parts of vampires and werewolves rolled together into one nice little ball of hate."

  Ryan glanced at the army of demons that were readying bows. "How do they stack up against our troops?"

  "No idea," she said, handing the binoculars to Athena. "Never heard of varcolaci and demons fighting. Any ideas, love?"

  Athena took a minute or two to study the forces herself. "I think Enki's looking for you, Ryan. Whatever you said must have really struck a nerve."

  "I reminded him of how he had to use the nuclear option against his own people."

  Crystal let out a low whistle and Athena replied, "That would explain it. Given how powerful he is, we need to devote our attention to countering him. Bast...Bast can wait, let the demons keep her busy."

  Then Enki launched himself at them, flying the length of the island far ahead of his army.

  Headed straight for Ryan.

  Ryan began tweaking equations as Enki approached, his heart pounding. He reached into his nanoverse, pulling out the strongest weapon he could find to meet the charging deity.

  He pulled out a pointed stick. His eyes came off Enki so he could gape at it, realizing as he did that the stick wasn’t even all that pointy – it just ended in a vague suggestion of a point. The kind of stick parents would tell their kids not to run while holding, but not worry about enough to get up and try and take it from them.

  Oh, come on!

  It was the worst possible time to realize he’d forgotten to get a replacement sword from his nanoverse.

  Enki was almost on top of him, and Ryan raised the stick with every bit of defiance he could muster.

  Chapter 24

  Into the Handbasket

  To Ryan's complete and utter lack of surprise, Enki completely ignored the stick. Instead, one of those massive hands came down and grabbed Ryan by the face. He felt something in his neck wrench - probably from the force of having his face clutched by two-hundred and fifty pounds of enraged deity travelling at over a hundred miles per hour.

  He heard Athena or Crystal - the combination of hand covering his face and sudden increase in velocity made it hard to tell which - shout his name. Ryan reached up to scrabble at Enki’s arm, but he might as well have been trying to tear down a tree with his bare hands. Enki changed course, and Ryan winced as his neck strained at the whiplash. If he keeps this up he’s going to break your neck. Ryan renewed his attacks on Enki’s arm, beating it with his fists. He felt like a small child trying to punch a gorilla. If I can get in and hit him somewhere weaker than his goddamn arm, I’ll have a shot at breaking free.

  He attempted that, swinging wildly, but those long arms were too much. Ryan couldn’t manage to get his fists close enough to Enki to land a blow. Switching tactics, Ryan tried to focus on some way to use his powers to break the hold, but the crushing grip was a distraction he couldn’t push past, and the lack of vision meant all his divine sight could see were the equations governing Enki's grip on his face.

  A sudden pain stopped all attempts at rational escape. Enki had slammed the back of Ryan’s head into the ground, and planning went out the window as spikes of red hot pain flashed across his vision. Part of Ryan was aware that Enki hadn’t just planted him in the dirt, though. Instead he maintained their flight as he dragged the back of Ryan's skull through stone and ice and dirt.

  Overwhelming panic kicked in. If Ryan didn’t get out of this soon, he was acutely aware that his skull would shatter from the repeated impacts.

  Thinking through the pain and fear was near impossible, so instinct had to take over. Ryan kicked upwards. To his relief, he felt his foot impact something. Whatever it was, the blow had enough power to get Enki's grip to loosen. For a wonderful moment, Ryan’s vision was freed of sweaty palm, and the blissful sight of the gray Canadian sky filled his vision - but then that was obscured by Enki's leering visage. A pair of massive hands closed around Ryan's throat.

  "I'm going to tear your head off, you little shitstain."

  "Aghrk!" Ryan retorted, displaying the same rapier wit that had gotten him into this mess in the first place.

  "Not so clever now, are you, huh?" The veins in Enki's head were bulging, his eyes were bloodshot, and his spit was literally spraying Ryan's face as he screamed. "What's the matter, you little bitch?"

  "Gaaark," Ryan explained, which did not satisfy Enk
i. Ryan’s vision started swimming as Enki's hands got tighter. Wait, I don't need to breathe. Why am I blacking out? It was an unimportant riddle at the moment, and the throbbing in his skull didn't provide an answer beyond a reminder that figuring out why was less important than figuring out how to stop it.

  "And the best part? The absolutely best part?" Enki leaned in ever closer, and for one mad moment Ryan considered kissing him, seeing if the threat to Enki's masculinity would be enough to get him to toss Ryan away. Much to Ryan’s combined joy and regret, Enki didn't get quite close enough to make that a viable option.

  "Caaghwr," was the best response Ryan could muster. He was kicking at Enki, digging his nails into those massive forearms, but whatever had empowered Enki so much was also protecting him from Ryan's increasingly feeble blows.

  "I saw you pull that stick out of your nanoverse. Once I'm done killing you, it's going to be a complete joke to take over. Your people have nothing that could stop me." Enki bared his teeth, the smile a cat might give a cornered mouse. "Got any more clever comebacks? Anymore witty little barbs?"

  Ryan didn't bother making a noise, seeing that the triple-threat of "aghrk, gaaark, caaghwr" had thus far not impressed. Instead his mind was racing as he tried to find the energy to struggle harder. Ryan stopped trying to attack Enki directly, reaching around him for something he could grab onto. A weapon. Maybe a rock or a shard of ice or…

  ...or that damned stick. His fingers closed around it, and it didn’t take any great tactical genius to figure out exactly what he should do with it.

  There are some habits that, no matter how long you were not truly mortal, you never could break. You would still get goosebumps in the cold, you would still sneeze if your nose was irritated, and no matter what, you would clutch at the injury if a piece of wood - even if it was only slightly pointed - got rammed into your eye.

  Enki's hands flew off Ryan's throat and grasped at his eye. Red liquid began to flow through those meaty digits when the pointed stick fell out. While the stab did have the effect of getting Enki to stop choking him, Ryan's vision didn't clear fast enough to take advantage of the injury. Instead, Enki backhanded him, sending him airborne and bouncing across the rocks and ice of Graham Island.

  Okay, this buys you time to OH GOD! Ryan rolled at the last second as Enki's feet abruptly occupied the space where his head as been a moment before. "You're dead, Eschaton!" Enki screamed, stomping again as Ryan rolled frantically. "Do you hear me!?" Each stomp cracked stone and ice, sending tremors through the ground. Ryan tried not to think about what they would do to his skull. Instead, a twist of Ryan's wrist changed a simple equation, and the friction of the stone Enki was using to support his non-stomping foot vanished. Enki joined him on the ground.

  Ryan didn't bother trying to get up, not with Enki close enough to again wrap his hand around Ryan’s neck again. Instead of trying to get away, Ryan rolled on top of Enki, driving the slightly pointed wood down towards Enki's remaining good eye. Enki's hands came up, catching Ryan's wrists, but now gravity was on Ryan's side, and he bore down as hard as he could.

  For an eternity, the two of them were locked in that pose, Ryan using every bit of leverage and weight he could muster to drive the stick towards Enki's eye, and Enki bringing all his strength to bear on stopping him. Then, slowly, inch by agonizing inch, the stick started moving - upwards, away from Enki.

  No. No no no. Ryan tried to find some more strength, and Enki saw the panic in Ryan's eyes, saw the fear growing...and he grinned. At the end of the day, Enki was stronger than Ryan, by just enough where this struggle was going to be a loss.

  "You see it too, huh?" Enki's voice was low, intense. "You know you can't win. As soon as I push this away, you die."

  Ryan's muscles were already strained to their limit. He wanted desperately to bring more to bear, to find the strength in him somehow - but it didn't exist. He didn’t know if he had it him to even manage to twist an equation, but he was certain that if he could, it would not be enough to make a difference.

  Then, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted them. Ants. Maybe they were the same ants he'd saved from the lava earlier, or maybe they were a different colony disturbed by the battle taking place on their home. They were marching towards them, a single file line hunting for food.

  As the stick slipped more, Ryan made a twist with the last of his strength. A tiny, minor change. But the ants responded to it, and soon were marching up Enki's face - and towards the pheromones now coming from Enki's eye.

  The first ant to crawl onto Enki's eyeball was distraction enough. Enki's strength slipped. Not enough for Ryan to blind him, but enough for him to shatter the wooden stick against Enki's forehead, drawing a shallow cut in the process. Enki's massive hands, freed from trying to fight against the stick, came up and he clapped Ryan's skull, with enough force to set his entire head ringing, and then he grabbed Ryan by the ear and flung him back towards the castle.

  Ryan hit the wall with his back, hard enough to crack the stone. As he tumbled down, sliding towards unconsciousness from the injuries, he could only hope Athena and Crystal were faring better.

  And that they'd get to him before Enki finished the job.

  ◆◆◆

  "Ryan!" Crystal shouted as Enki's hand enveloped Ryan's face. Enki flew off with Ryan, circling back towards his own castle. Athena glanced at her, then back at the oncoming army.

  "Go!" Athena said to Crystal, "I'll hold them here!"

  Crystal gave a single curt nod and took off running after the flying pair, swinging her path wide to move around the varcolac army.

  Sending Crystal was a tactical decision, Athena told herself. She is older and more experienced - both in general and in terms of knowing how to deal with Enki. She almost convinced herself of that - but then she saw Bast again and felt her teeth clench. You did not send Crystal to assist Ryan because you want to make sure that evil bitch dies. You have a war to fight.

  Athena hated the modern concept of war. Soldiers on either side with weapons that could kill for miles, robots being commanded by people half a continent away, planes that could be miles away before their targets had even died. It was messy and indiscriminate and, she admitted to herself, she was bad at it. She respected modern soldiers – they faced weapons that would have made the most disciplined troops of the ancient world cower in terror - but the last time Athena had participated in a war, the biggest military advancement was Byzantine fire.

  Athena sneered at the memory of the uses that had been put to. I’m glad I destroyed the records of its creation.

  Ares was the one who reveled in the death and destruction of war. Athena had always been more at home in the elegant beauty of tactics, the individual honors soldiers could earn, and outsmarting your adversary.

  A war between gods, a proper theomachy? This was her home. It was her place to lead the troops.

  And you want to make sure that evil bitch dies.

  She surveyed the island through the binoculars. Graham Island had been chosen, in part, because its terrain offered plenty of chances for one side to gain the upper hand, but no spots where either side could have gained an unbeatable edge. Ridges, hills, a frozen river, and patches of ice a mile or two across. All of these she could use.

  Then again, so could Bast. The woman was leading the varcolaci army out from their castle. Athena clenched her fists. Easy, Athena. Calm. War is not won with passion and rage. Do not fall victim to it. Easier said than done, but she knew that she had to put aside her hatred for now. Anger was like the Greek fire – if not used carefully, it would consume the wielder and anyone near her, friend or foe.

  “Get your troops ready to move out, but await my command,” Athena murmured to Ashtaroth. “Leave a detachment of archers. Have the others sheath their swords and draw spear and shield.” The sword was a fine weapon for solo combat, in Athena’s opinion. It also was a liability on the battlefield. Swords inspired soldiers to seek individual glory. Swords were meant to be
used when order had fallen apart and organization had failed.

  He frowned. “Ma’am, begging your pardon, but if they mean an assault – we are behind the walls right now. We hold an advantage.”

  Athena shook her head. “I know little of varcolaci, but one thing I do know is that they are expert climbers. The castle is a fall back point if we are losing on the field.”

  Ashtaroth nodded. “As you wish.”

  Athena watched while the demon barked orders. Bast’s troops carried no weapons but now that Athena could see them better, she saw they had little need. They were huge, easily a head taller than Athena, and while they looked mostly human their hands ended in long, straight claws. Right now, they seemed to be prepared for literal hand-to-hand combat. A plan began to form. What I wouldn’t give for cavalry right now. Their forces were roughly equal in numbers, and all infantry on both sides. Some good, solid horses could turn the tide of battle.

  Might as well wish for elephants.

  Athena took a deep breath. It was time to do something, time to move.

  It was time to go to war again.

  ◆◆◆

  The demons were waiting for her, arranged as she had ordered. “Form a single column, five deep.”

  For a moment, Athena considered giving them an inspiring speech, but these were demons. They didn’t need inspiration, they needed spilled blood.

  Well, I can certainly give them that.

  “Behind me. You know the plan! Stick to it and victory is assured. Now - Charge!”