Weird Theology

by Alex Raizman

  Ryan winced. “Not actually what I said. I didn’t command war. I didn’t want that.”

  “You commanded weapons and didn’t want war?” Daasti sounded incredulous.

  “Well, when you put it that way, it sounds pretty dumb.” Ryan forced a smile. “But I have a war I’m still fighting. Against Enki.”

  Daasti blinked. “Enki is real? I thought he was some fairy tale, used to frighten children.”

  Ryan chuckled, trying to contain his rising fury, an echo of that dark hate he’d felt last time he was here - an urge to wipe Daasti out, to just cleanse this entire civilization and start again. They were ants, and this entire galaxy was an ant farm that was questioning why it should have clear sides not realizing it was the entire reason they existed. Like the ants he’d sent into Enki’s eye - they were tools at his disposal, nothing more. “Oh, no, he’s very real. Kicked my ass not long ago, in fact, in part because I fought him with a damn stick.”

  “I can see that going poorly.” From Daasti’s expression, he wouldn’t have minded watching that fight. “And why is that something we need to worry about?” Daasti’s voice was calm, level, but it made Ryan’s eyes widen like he had been slapped.

  “I’m sorry, what?” Shock was giving way to anger faster than Ryan could process.

  Daasti replied, “You’ve been here twice. Once you set things into motion to turn it into a hellhole, the second time you eliminated the need for yourself. So why should we care about your war with Enki when we have a paradise?”

  Ryan stared at him, his mouth hanging open. Then he felt himself starting to laugh. “Oh damn, I didn’t mention it, did I? Or if I did, it got lost through the ages.”

  Daasti’s eyes narrowed. “Care to share the joke?”

  Ryan nodded, needing a moment to calm his laughter. “If Enki wins, he’ll destroy the universe. Or take it over.”

  Daasti stared at him. “I don’t believe you.”

  Ryan shrugged. “I don’t care if you believe me, because it’s the truth. He’ll destroy the entire universe,” Ryan didn’t feel the need to explain the nanoverse was just one of many - it would only confuse the discussion, and Daasti wouldn’t care. “He has the power to do it - if I'm dead. As long as I'm alive, he can't. But I can't keep him at bay if the best weapon I have to pull on is a damn sharpened stick.”

  “Why not just make your own then?” Daasti’s eyes narrowed.

  “It doesn’t work that way, Daasti. I have rules I have to follow, same as anyone else.”

  “So...what? We created a perfect society, and now we need to tear it apart or the universe will be destroyed?”

  Ryan opened his mouth, closed it. These people have suffered enough. The idea of destroying what he had seen was sickening. They’d built a galaxy without want or need or war. As badly as Ryan needed weapons, these people had a right to their peace. “No, Daasti. I’ve screwed up your society enough by trying to meddle with it. I’m going to go to another galaxy, create new life. The lightspeed cap should prevent them from ever bothering you, and I’m going to limit your divine powers to prevent you from jumping to another galaxy.”

  Daasti nearly slumped with relief. “We can provide our scientific research, so they can-”

  “No, I learned my lesson there. I’m going to be a bit more careful this time. Just give them enough to master agriculture so I don’t have to wait millions of years for them to figure that out.”

  “Makes sense, Ryan. And...what about us?”

  Ryan smiled. “I’ll swing by every so often, say hi, make sure you and the One Hundred Companions don’t turn into a bunch of dickholes. But as long as you don’t, I’ll let you do your thing.”

  Daasti returned the smile. “I can live with that.”

  “I hope so, Daasti. Good luck.”

  “Same to you, God.”

  Ryan, grinning at that, vanished.

  Chapter 27

  Desperate Measures

  “So, how’d it go this time?” Athena had beaten Ryan back from the nanoverses, although Crystal was still off. Ryan figured that was appropriate - Crystal had easily been the worst injured of the three of them, and she would need the most time to heal. He checked his phone, knowing he was stalling. It still showed 10:40 PM, one minute after he’d left. When you factored in the fact that he’d had to walk from his nanoverse into the castle to find Athena, he’d only been gone a matter of seconds in the core world.

  “You know, I’ve just realized I haven’t plugged this thing in, not once since everything started, but I’ve still got a full charge.” If Athena was bothered by his attempt to change the topic, it didn’t show on her face. “At first, I figured it was because I was hopping realities, barely using it, and time was flowing weird. I didn’t really respond to any messages or make many phone calls because, well, I was worried about losing the battery. At least, that’s what I told myself.”

  Athena leaned on the battlement, looking at him. She still had her usual sardonic grin, but now, after so much time, Ryan found something oddly warm in it. It wasn’t a stone wall like he had originally thought. “We could die tomorrow. For real.”

  She nodded, “You’re not used to that by now?”

  “Nope,” Ryan said. “You know, before all this, I had a life.” She raised an eyebrow, inviting him to continue. “I mean, it wasn’t much of one. Only had a couple friends, really, and my sister.” He paused to think and felt himself grinning. “And like five hundred friends on Facebook, people I never talked to except online. There needs to be a term for ‘person you’re connected to through social media who has status updates you randomly Like.’”

  “And you haven’t spoken to them since this all happened?”

  He shook his head. “I mean, they’ve texted or called. Or sent me messages. I’ve been on the news as a god or the Antichrist, and now they’re watching me fight for my life on a remote Canadian island, and I haven’t even spoken to them. And if I die...well, that’ll be that.”

  Athena’s half-smile didn’t expand, but it somehow came closer to reaching her eyes. “Well, are you going to reach out to them?” Although the tone was a question, Ryan got the feeling she knew the answer.

  “Not now. I guess I’ll use that as something to live for. Does that seem stupid?”

  “No.” The smile faded slightly as she spoke, but the light stayed in her eyes. “I’ve been with many people as they realized tomorrow could be their last. Most of them think of regrets, of missed opportunities, but if given the option to address those, they focus on the here and now. For that matter, I did too."

  “Did?” Ryan asked.

  Athena shrugged. “I’m thousands of years old, Ryan. If I spent too much time dwelling on regrets, I’d never get anything done.”

  Ryan nodded, but found he didn’t have any words to add. They stood in silence for a little while, staring at the stars. This far north, the Aurora Borealis was clearly visible, green and blue lines dancing like serpentine lovers writhing across the sky.

  “They’d created a utopia,” Ryan said, breaking the silence.

  “You sound almost sad,” Athena murmured.

  “No, just...I wish I could let the entire nanoverse be that way. No weapons, no wars. Just good people doing good, y’know?”

  Athena gave a sound that might have been agreement. “So what did you do about it?”

  “I let them keep their utopia. I just went elsewhere and created some places where it wouldn’t happen. On one world I put two different groups of the same species on different continents, and gave them similar but different commandments and languages. Different skin colors. That’s been enough for humans to war for all of history, I figured. On another world I put three different species with no commandments, no sign of my presence. On a third world I made one species nocturnal, the other diurnal.” He shrugged. “I figure if any of those worlds finds a time of peace, the other two won’t. And they’re all only a couple light years apart, so if they all find peace, they’ll prob
ably do it just in time to start warring with each other.”

  Athena waited for a moment, to make sure he was finished. “And you feel like a monster for doing so?”

  “I need them to fight, Athena. I almost died because of the peace, and if I had the world would have gotten blown up when the sun went nova.”

  Athena let out a small laugh. “You’re a good man, Ryan Smith.”

  He looked at her, his forehead furrowing. “I’m sorry, but what?”

  A full, genuine smile crossed her face. “You’re not unique, you know. Most gods, when they find out that weapons come from their nanoverse, go into it and demand weapons. With similar results. My first dystopia was a matriarchal one where men were lobotomized so they could be useful for reproduction and otherwise were basically well-trained pets.” She laughed a bit, a rueful sound that was oddly flat in the cold night air. “I might have had some issues that crept into it. Just like your feeling that you were out of control in your life helped shaped a tyranny of absolute power. Absolute control.”

  Ryan shuddered at the thought. “But if that’s the case, why were they able to create a utopia?”

  “Because you still let them have free will, and now your subconscious was over correcting to the horrors you had made. Again, same as mine. I imagine it was the same for Crystal, Týr, Enki… even for Bast, too.”

  “But not Moloch?”

  “Moloch is a legitimately disturbed man who used to literally eat children. I don’t think he ever had anything redeeming in him.”

  Even if he had wanted to, which he didn’t, Ryan couldn’t find a flaw in her logic. “And you’re saying I’m a good man because...?”

  “You could have destroyed the utopia. You could have created a race with a thirst for blood or war. You could have made two races that felt a powerful aversion to each other’s pheromones, so they’d never know peace. You could have commanded they war with each other, or even just repeated your first mistake and demanded weapons. But instead…” She reached out and put a hand on his shoulder. “Instead you allowed for free will, and just trusted that there are always enough people who will choose to be bastards. But you allowed for them to chose peace, if they can.”

  He didn’t know what to say at first, and it took him a bit to find the only words that seemed to fit. “Seems pretty pessimistic of me, though.”

  She chuckled again, and this one wasn’t flat in the night air, but was warm as it hit his ears, friendly and amused and bright. “Don’t ever confuse cynicism with evil, Ryan. You can be a good cynic, and you can be an evil optimist.” And these are the lies we tell ourselves to get through the day, Ryan. You’re not ready for the hard truth, that sometimes a general must let soldiers die to win the war. I hope you never have to face it.

  Ryan nodded, and did feel better. It didn’t erase the fact that he could have created more utopias, more worlds of peace...but, if nothing else, it was a salve for his conscience.

  “Thanks, Athena.”

  Ryan and Athena shared the silence for a bit, then she left. Ryan considered following her, but decided to stand there for a moment before catching up. The clouds had cleared, and he wanted to enjoy the stars before they were hidden again.

  After all, it might be the last chance he had to see them.

  In my nanoverse, I set people up to destroy themselves. Ryan shifted at the uncomfortable thought, trying to focus on the important detail. At least, it felt important. There has to be some way to do that to Enki. After all, we’re smarter than him. It’s the one edge we have left.

  Ryan blinked. There has to be a way…

  He ran down to find Athena. “Hey, Athena, if I made a fireball, would it burn me?”

  Athena frowned. “Of course. We’re still subject to physics.”

  Ryan’s eyes lit up. “Get Crystal. I have a plan. The beginnings of a plan. I have like a third of a plan. Okay, I have an idea, but it’s a good idea. I think.”

  ​Athena nodded. “Let’s see what you’ve come up with.”

  ◆◆◆

  Dawn broke sullenly through the thick clouds that still hung over Graham Island. The scars of battle still scored the landscape. They had a plan, true, and in theory it was a good plan. The reality was that the plan depended on their being right about two very major assumptions, and if either was wrong, they were probably all going to die.

  Not just die, Ryan reminded himself. Worse than that - they’d have their nanoverses taken over by Enki while they were turned into horrible monsters by Moloch. Which reminds me, we still have to deal with Týr the lindworm. Maybe we’ll get lucky and Moloch will keep it nearby because he’s spooked by Bast’s death.

  They’d spent most of the night practicing, but they hadn’t been able to push things too hard. Everything they were doing required a massive expenditure of energy, and while you could get the occasional fix for your hungers in your Nanoverse, like Crystal had explained, “You don’t want to do it too bloody often, love. If you do, you’ll end up like a rubber band pulled too far, yeah? Just...snap.” So to conserve their strength, the practice had to be limited.

  Astaroth and his demons stood at the ready to hold the varcolaci at bay again. The demonic steel didn’t reflect much of the sullen sky - it was dull and matte, an effect reinforced now that it was battle scarred and dented. There was one version of the plan where the demons were the ones to finish the job - if all four gods died, Astaroth would have to beat Moloch to their nanoverses. Assuming we can trust him on that.

  Crystal and Athena had gone ahead to the battlefield to get things ready for Enki. Now, Crystal gave Ryan a thumbs up as they re-entered the castle. Ryan’s job was to lead Enki there, to where the real fun would begin.

  And that would have to be soon. He grabbed the binoculars and focused them. As he expected to see, Enki’s forces were on the march. Although the bodies of demon’s still littered the battlefield, the Varcolaci were at full force. The sound of their armor on the stones of Graham island echoed through the air. We’ll get torn apart if this drags on.

  Enki himself was floating again, just over the rest of his army. Ryan noted with some satisfaction that one of Enki’s arms was metal, controlled by Enki's constantly changing its properties to move like a normal arm. Stupid and vain, Ryan thought. Maintaining flight would be hard enough, but keeping the arm lifelike? That had to be a drain he would notice even with his new power levels.

  Or maybe not. How powerful is he?

  Ryan pushed down the fear. No matter what, he’s powerful enough to defeat himself.

  Ryan reached down to twist the equations that governed how fast he could run. He checked before he did, making sure Enki couldn’t see him. No need to give the bastard new tricks. Crystal and Athena joined him back on the wall.

  “Everyone ready?” He asked them. They both nodded, and then they all turned back to the battlefield.

  “If we don’t make it out of this, love,” Crystal said, “it’s been nice to have met you.”

  “Same,” said Athena. “And Crystal...it’s good to be fighting at your side again.”

  Crystal gave Athena a small smile. “You too. Ready, Ryan?”

  Ryan nodded. “Tell me when.”

  Athena watched the approaching army grow closer. “Now.”

  No hesitation. If today was going to be his last day alive, Ryan was determined to make sure he got to do this at least once. “Fire!” Ryan shouted, pointing towards the approaching army. Ryan shouting also served a tactical purpose - it made sure Enki knew where Ryan was.

  Arrows streaked from their castle and bit into varcolaci flesh. Ryan watched as a few went down, and wished they wouldn’t be getting up again. He didn’t see what happened next, though.

  He had Enki’s full attention.

  The other god flew at him for another face grab. Knew it, you repetitive sonofabitch. This time, Ryan rolled out of the way without too much effort, earning a curse from Enki. “What’s wrong, big guy? Not in the mood for banter today?” Ry
an said

  As he taunted, Ryan began to run along the length of the wall with his newly enhanced speed. Of course, since he could fly, Enki was still right behind him, snarling through a smug grin. “That’s right, Eschaton. Run away! Run for your life! I’m going to rip both your arms off.”

  Please don’t let him catch me too soon, Ryan begged the universe. Ryan didn’t look over his shoulder, instead crouching his head just a few inches. His instinct paid off when, moments later, one of those massive fists, the fleshy one, passed through the air where his head had been. He’d gone far enough now where he could leap off the wall and start heading towards the battleground. “Rip off my arms? C’mon, Enki, I blew yours off yesterday. At least be original in your threats.”

  The response was a wordless howl and a near-instant blast of sunlight, exactly like the one from yesterday, exactly like Týr’s. Ryan felt a surge of validation - Enki couldn’t modify the math, he had to throw it the same way Týr did. He doesn’t know how it works. It confirmed what Crystal had said about him being a linear thinker and gave Ryan a shred of hope for this stupid, crazy plan.

  At Ryan’s current speed, combined with juking back and forth, Enki couldn’t hit him. The sunbeam was just sound and fury and light. It cast Ryan’s shadow into sharp relief in front of him, and he could feel the heat searing his back, but did nothing else.

  “I’m going to atomize you! Completely disintegrate you! You can’t run forever, you little bitch! All I need is to hit you once and you’re a corpse.” Enki’s words were loud and hoarse and angry...and correct. If even one of Enki’s attacks hit Ryan, it’d be over.

  The good news was, the plan didn’t call for him to run too much longer. One more rock to vault over and - there they were, Crystal and Athena. “Help!” Ryan mouthed.