Weird Theology

by Alex Raizman

  ​Athena's lips tightened into thin white lines. "I actually think I can top that."

  ​A groan escaped Ryan's mouth, and she looked at him, a glimmer of sympathy behind her eyes. Crystal just regarded him curiously as he slumped in his chair saying, "We won. We should be celebrating! Going back to that bar and getting hammered or something."

  ​"I know." Athena regarded him steadily, "and I think we should after we're done. But it is important to debrief after a victory, while the details are still fresh."

  ​He looked over at Crystal, but she was nodding in agreement with Athena. He let out another breath of air. "Okay, hit me." The punch Athena landed on his shoulder had no force behind it, and the gesture got an appreciative laugh out of Ryan.

  ​"Glad to see you haven't forgotten how to be amused. Unfortunately, the worse news?" Ryan motioned for her to go on; putting his nose in the air and every ounce of royal arrogance into the gesture he could manage. It got a snort from Crystal and the ghost of a grin from Athena, though that vanished pretty much the instant she began to speak.

  "I don’t think Enki taught the others how to merge nanoverses. He was too power hungry for that. But I do think that we have to assume Bast and Moloch both know how. Worst case scenario has to take priority over what we hope happened."

  ​Ryan wanted to slam his head into the table, but instead leaned forward and rested his face in his palms. "Christ, Athena, you weren't kidding when you said you could make it worse."

  ​"I know."

  ​Crystal spoke up, "But she's right, love. It's a bloody shame that we have to worry about it, but we've got to find out what they're up to."

  ​"Can't we have Nabu send the other gods messages?" The silence that followed lasted long enough for him to pull his head out of his hands. Both Crystal and Athena were giving him nearly identical patient looks. Beyond patient, really. The expression was the exact same for both of them, a face that said We understand why you're not thinking clearly right now, but you'll feel better if you figure out why that's a terrible idea without us needing to spell it out for you.

  ​It was a very specific expression, but once you've gotten that face, you'll recognize it anywhere.

  ​After he had time to think, he caught up with them, and was glad to have figured it out for himself. "You're worried about other gods knowing it's possible."

  ​"Bingo," Crystal said, leaning forward slightly. "Even if they don't know how, they might figure it out if they know it's not a waste to try."

  ​"So if we can't warn them, what do we do?" Ryan did his best to keep the despair out of his voice. This whole thing was starting to feel increasingly hopeless.

  ​"Well, we kill two birds with one stone." Both Athena and Ryan looked at Crystal, and the smile made her eyes gleam. "We tell them it's time to get off their arses and get to work. We head out and find them, be they on Earth or in their own realms. We hit up Asgard, Olympus, Kunlun, Tir na Nog, Mictlan, Penglai, Takama-ga-hara - all of them, every bloody one." She actually stood up in her excitement.

  ​"We tell them it's the End of the World, and they sat out round one, but round two won't give them a chance for that. They're going to have to take a side because you don't get to just sit on your thumbs when it's the Apocalypse, yeah? And then, once they sign on, we ask them for help in finding a way to do it that doesn't require six billion deaths. One of them is going to have an idea or know where we can look for one."

  ​Ryan felt the tension begin to ease. He didn't know what half those places where or how to get there, but at least it was a proactive step. Athena nodded in a more measured, calmer agreement. "So...party first, then we head to recruit?" Ryan asked.

  ​"Sounds like a plan to me. Athena, you in?" Athena voiced her agreement and Crystal continued. "Great. Come on, loves! First round's on me." She practically skipped towards her nanoverse, and Ryan rose to follow. Athena put a hand on his arm as he did, and he looked at her.

  ​"You sense it too. Something's off about her."

  ​Ryan flicked his eyes towards Crystal's doorway, confirming it was already closed. "Yeah, I do. Any ideas why?"

  ​Athena didn't actually say no, but her eyes spoke volumes. "I suggest we keep a careful eye on her."

  ​"I'm not too worried about it. After all, if it was really important, Crystal would tell us, right?" He watched Athena closely, and felt his confidence drain away. "Right?"

  ​"I don't think it's worth risking."

  ​"Fair enough." Ryan sighed, then shook his head to clear it and gave Athena a grin that was only slightly forced. "But not tonight, Athena," he said, pulling her to her feet, "tonight we drink and dance and celebrate winning, okay?"

  ​That got a genuine smile out of her. "I think that's an excellent plan." Ryan offered her his arm, and she slid hers through with a wink.

  ​They headed towards his nanoverse, not worrying about anything other than how to enjoy the night as best they could.

  Epilogue

  The Man in the Uniform

  Getting the civilian news helicopters to leave the area had been easier than anyone could have expected. In Rear Admiral Dale Bridges' experience, reporters valued getting “the scoop” over their own safety to the point of insanity. In this one case, however, telling them this had become a joint USA-Canada operation to contain the threat from these alleged “gods” had gotten them to clear the area with a previously unseen haste. They'd seemed almost relieved to have a reason to comply.

  At least we weren’t too late this time. With the island being uninhabited, the Rear Admiral had decided to hold back. As far as he was concerned, everyone would be better off if these two groups punched each other to death on some godforsaken island.

  ​For their part, these gods didn't seem to even notice the change to military helicopters and drones. Didn't seem to be aware of the massive force that had gathered in the water and air and on nearby islands. Or maybe they did, he thought. Maybe they did and just didn't think we were relevant.

  ​Dale shook his head. And to think I was starting to doubt. After talking to the Reverend, after watching how the Antichrist had fought, he’d begun to wonder if maybe the Reverend had a point. Maybe this man wasn’t the actual Antichrist. The man the “Church of Adversity” claimed to worship made more sense.

  Then he’d watched as Ryan had summoned an army of demons to fight by his side. I never should have questioned. This man is the Antichrist, and the others are some kind of demon. Maybe there was some war in hell, the way the Church of Adversity claimed. Maybe Enki and his ilk worked for one side, and Ryan for the other.

  It didn’t matter. What he was sure of was that they were not gods, and that they had to be stopped. They had to be sent back to the pit they had spawned from.

  ​To ensure he could effectively contain the battle, he'd been given command of a whole new breed of aircraft carrier. It was a Hive Class carrier that carried no pilots but swarms of drones. The vessel was so advanced, so experimental that it had no official name, just DARPA-17.

  ​Beyond the drones, the ship’s three nuclear reactors could generate a plasma field that was the closest thing to a science fiction force field the real world was likely to get before the End Times, and the drones had been equipped with both missiles and experimental Directed Energy Weapons. The Admiral had spent the entire battle hoping the so-called gods would spill out into the ocean, that he would be authorized to find out if his faith could slay demons when backed by the greatest weaponry the United States of America had developed.

  ​It had not, and now his men were joining the Canadians in scouring the island to find out more about what had happened. This was part of the joint operation. Canada was a military power, stronger than most people gave them credit for. However, in the face of unholy war breaking out on their soil, they'd turned to their neighbors and asked if maybe they had anything up their sleeve that would possibly help against the unknown. Like the neighbor knocking on your door, asking if you could spare a cup
of sugar and a three-billion-dollar piece of military hardware.

  ​The USA had been happy to oblige, sending two Nimitz class carriers and the one operational DARPA-17. They'd done so with a smile on their face because there would be a time after the battle when cleanup had to happen, when the dust settled, and the good old US of A intended to seize every asset they could to prepare for war against a foe they barely understood.

  ​"Sir?" The Admiral was startled out of his reverie by the younger man's voice. "Some of the Marines have returned. They have something." Bridges dismissed the man and headed to see what they had recovered from the battlefield.

  ​The spoils were in two boxes that had previously carried equipment. This pleased Admiral Bridges, because it meant the Canadians didn't know they'd recovered these. The smaller box of the two contained a small black stone, perfectly round, about the size of a golf ball. It was warm to the touch, and looking closer Bridges could see stars in it, like it was a hole into space.

  ​In the other box was the body of the young woman who had claimed to be the Egyptian goddess Bast. Bridges remembered her being pretty enough on the news, but this was a frostbitten corpse, one with dried blood caking her foot and abdomen. He frowned at the sight, noticing one oddity.

  ​"What are those?" He pointed at her wrists.

  ​One of the Marines stepped forward and saluted. "Sir. They are zip-ties, sir."

  ​The Admiral's frown deepened. "I'm sure there's a good reason you restrained a dead women, Captain..."

  ​"Evans, Sir. Roger Evans. And yessir. The dead woman has a pulse, sir, but no other signs of life."

  ​After already deepening once, the Admiral's frown seemed like it surely had reached its limit, yet at this news it extended further. "I see." He looked at the half-frozen body again, the half-frozen body that was clearly not breathing but apparently still had a beating heart, and shuddered. "Seal it up. We'll let the eggheads deal with it." I hope this is what the doctor needs to complete her work.

  ​"Yessir."

  ​The Admiral turned to head back to the bridge. It was time to take the DARPA-17 back to American waters with this precious cargo. Let the Canadians have whatever scraps remained on the island where so-called gods used nuclear weapons against each other - something told Rear Admiral Bridges that they already had the greatest prize.

  ​Next time these demons claiming to be gods go to war, he thought, feeling a sensation of certainty sweep over him, they'll find we mere mortals won't just stand by the sidelines.

  ​We'll show them that we cannot be ignored.

  A Note From Alex

  Thank you so much for reading Weird Theology. If you enjoyed the book, I would appreciate an honest review at your favorite online retail or book review site. Reader reviews are critical for a first time author, and if you would take a few minutes to write one that would be amazing.

  Be sure to sign up for my email list to receive updates and exclusive content, with a free story coming soon. Please visit me online at www.alexraizman.com.

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  Acknowledgements

  This book is the culmination of a year of writing at a breakneck speed. Even with that, I never could have done it without the support from several people. First of all credit must be given to Laura Beamer, my dearest friend and long-suffering editor, who has put up with months of going over my prose and showing me how to make it sing, and that’s after years of helping me through my learning process of becoming a writer. She’s done an incredible job of keeping me on track and reigned in, and without her this book would not be nearly as good.

  ​Second of all some particular reddit users are owed particular thanks. Funique has been providing me a ton of line edits on the first draft, taking a huge burden of dealing with my typos off my editor. SilverPheonix41 has been a huge aid in making sure the table of contents for the reddit is up to date and accurate, which is great because I’m terrible at keeping track. Ecstaticandinsatiate was an immense help in lettering the cover art, and Inorai had been amazing for me to bounce ideas off of, and have listened to me gripe about how hard writing can be more times than I can count.

  ​Third, I have to acknowledge my amazing cover artist, Iris Hopp. You can find more of her work at http://www.irishopp.com. She did a fantastic job with my cover and navigating my fumbling attempts to describe what I wanted.

  ​Finally, and very importantly, there are my Patrons over on Patreon, who have been instrumental in keeping me motivated. I love all my fans, and you all are great for keeping me on task and reassuring me that I don’t suck nearly as much as I fear I do.

  ​$1:Ari Plessner, Andrew Marino, Steve Meckman, Youri, Ashlyn Jacobs, Brad Massett, Justin Brady, Stefan Heimersheim, Thomas Howard, José, Scott Andre, Melissa S. Caitlyn T Nummerdor, James Paik, Luis M, Jacob, John, Matt Barnes, C, Blake Haulbrook, Andrew Wasson, Reese Delgrande, Ben Lagar, Rob, Varun Malik, Nathaniel Wardwell, Matthew Nicolas, Zackary Hoyt, Callum Watson, Nathan Monfils, Jared Clark, Jarred Hull, Meg Momohara, Michael Abdoo, Tyler Morgan, Bob, Edward, Kasper Laitinen, Koen Watcher, Rosella Gugliotta, Iris Hartshorn, Brandon Shafran, Adam Kdonain, Shelby Lanie.

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  ​$10: Dennis van der Slik, Kyle Bernzen, Bryce, Austin Reynolds, William Piper, Siri Oaklander, Justin Steel, Ivan Smirnov, Noah Nelson

  ​$20: James Primmer, O$I, Dakota Jordan, Ryan McPherson, Stefan Oshinski, Micah McFadden, Spencer, Dorian Snyder, Rachel, Issac Pebble.

  Copyright 2017-2018, Joseph Alexander Raizman. All rights reserved. No part of this book may be reproduced in any form or by any electronic or mechanical means, including information storage and retrieval systems, without permission in writing from the publisher, except by reviewers, who may quote brief passages in a review.

  Some characters and events are fictitious. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

  Front cover art by Iris Hopp

  ISBN: 9781983249402

  Imprint: Independently published