A Secret of the Heart (Amish Secrets--Book 3)

by J. E. B. Spredemann

  Rage pumped through every vein in Thomas’ circulatory system. It was only a matter of seconds before his anger ruptured and he ended a man’s life. I’m away from my girl for less than a year and she has an affair with her employer? Thomas clenched his fist and delivered a blow to the congressman’s gut, and then another to his face. He unleashed another, then another, until the man lay flat on the floor, unmoving.

  Thomas walked to Lillianna, who was shaking like a leaf, and raised a clenched fist. He noticed the fear in her eyes and stopped, then lowered his hand. He couldn’t do it. No matter how much she’d hurt him, he could never hurt her. His pained eyes met hers. “Thanks, Lil. Thanks for everything. You wanted me well and you got your wish. The only thing is now I wish I hadn’t survived.” He pressed against her and kissed her on the mouth for as long as he could stand it. His hand lingered on her ivory cheek for a moment and her breath caught. He caught the desire in her eyes – and the regret. He wished he could do more. He longed to show her the love he’d kept bottled inside – the love he’d saved for their wedding night in vain. “I want to remember what that felt like, and I want you to remember what you gave up.” Thomas turned on his heel and walked out the door.

  <><><>

  Lillianna’s heart pounded, but her mouth couldn’t find any words to speak. What just happened? Her breaths came in short gasps. Thomas thinks I committed adultery with Clay. Her whole body began trembling. She watched in silence through the window as Thomas got into his car, slammed the door, and sped away.

  No! She had to explain. Even if she couldn’t speak the reality of her situation, she had to say something. She couldn’t lose Thomas.

  “Come back, Thomas!” she screamed too late. Where was he going?

  The baby wailed and Lillianna retrieved her from the crib. She held the baby close to her breast, shunning the bottle of formula she was instructed to give her for nourishment. No matter what Clay dictated, she was raising this boppli the way she saw fit. Thomas and Clay might not want this precious one, but Lillianna loved her with all her heart.

  A moan turned her attention to the congressman on the floor. Blood flowed from his mouth onto the carpeted floor. She hadn’t stepped in when Thomas demonstrated his physical advantage over Clay; she only wished she could have done the same thing eight months ago. If Clay Stevenson never woke up again, she wouldn’t feel sorry.

  <><><>

  Lillianna sat on her bed, ignoring Clay on the floor, and held the baby close. This precious one was all she had now. She was bound by Clay’s dictates, and because of that she’d lost Thomas. She’d sacrificed for Thomas’ life, and now she sacrificed a life with Thomas for the baby’s life. It all seemed so unfair.

  “Why, God?” she cried silently.

  I was abused and murdered so wicked mankind can have eternal life, yet they reject Me daily. Now you know how I feel when people reject My sacrifice.

  Did she hear the voice or had she just imagined it?

  This child is a gift. Take her and show her My love.

  Finally, Lillianna understood what to do, but where would she go? “Where should I go?” She waited, but the answer never came. Apparently, God must’ve wanted her to figure out some of this herself.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  Lillianna didn’t know what to do with Clay. He’d been lying on the floor for ten minutes and she would have left him there, had she not feared Candace and the children returning. Now that the baby was sleeping soundly again, she decided that she’d better help Clay get up.

  “You need to get up,” she said, shaking Clay’s shoulder.

  He groaned.

  “Hurry and get up before Candace and the kinner come home,” she urged. “Clay, do you hear me?”

  He mumbled something unintelligible.

  She turned him over on his back.

  “Oh,” he moaned. He placed his hand over his face. “I gotta hand it to you; Thomas is a strong one.” He attempted to sit up. “Help me.” He reached out a hand to Lillianna.

  She got behind him and tried to hoist him up. “I really shouldn’t be doing this. I’m not supposed to lift anything heavy.”

  “Are you implying something?” He chuckled.

  How can he joke at a time like this?

  He clumsily scrambled to his feet, using the bureau as a crutch, and grasped the door frame to steady himself. “Ugh…I feel like a piece of meat that’s been hammered with a tenderizer.”

  Lillianna couldn’t help but smile. She had to admit feeling a sense of satisfaction while watching Thomas knock the daylights out of Clay.

  “You’ll leave now,” Clay said.

  “What?” Lillianna’s mouth dropped.

  “You heard me. It’s best if you go now, before Candace and the children return.”

  Panic began to set in. Leave? She’d wanted nothing more than to leave the second she saw Clay for who he was. She’d dreamt of Tommy coming to rescue her. But now that Thomas had rejected her and she couldn’t tell him the truth, she had no plans. “Now? But I still have two months. Where will I go? How will I get there?”

  “Here’s money.” He dug into his wallet and handed her a wad of cash. “Jones will take you where you want to go. I don’t ever want to see you back here again.”

  “But what about the baby? How will I have money to raise her? To buy her diapers?”

  “You wanted to keep her; figure it out. That’s not my concern.” He held his head in his hands in obvious pain. “That’s what welfare is for. Use it.”

  Lillianna frowned. Taking government handouts had always been frowned upon by her people. “I can’t take someone’s money for nothing. It would be wrong.”

  “The choice is yours.” Clay shrugged then winced.

  Lillianna glanced around. Where should she start?

  “Make sure you take everything, even the clothes Candace bought for you and the baby. We won’t have need of them here.”

  “I don’t have room in my bag for all of it,” she argued. She took Carolanne’s quilt and the clothes she’d brought with her and placed them on the bed.

  Clay left momentarily and returned with a rolling suitcase. “Use this.”

  “I can’t take all this. How can I carry two suitcases, a quilt, a diaper bag, and the baby?”

  “Relax. Jones will help you load up here, and unload wherever your destination is,” Clay insisted. “You know, I’m going to miss you. We had a lot of fun.”

  Lillianna turned around and glared at him. She crossed her arms over her chest. “You had fun. I had no choice.” She continued packing her things. “You don’t need to stand there and watch me, I can handle this myself.”

  “You just complained about having to carry everything. I can at least carry the suitcases downstairs for you.”

  Lillianna rolled her eyes. “Thank you for your kindness.” She watched as he picked up one of the bags off the bed and groaned. No doubt he was still in a lot of pain.

  She looked around the room to make sure she hadn’t forgotten anything. The baby slept soundly in the bassinet and she hated to wake her up. She sat on the bed and opened the top drawer of the nightstand. It wouldn’t be gut if she forgot her Bible. It was the only thing that had kept her going this whole time. It seemed God always knew what she needed to hear and when she needed to hear it. She opened the beloved book one more time before she packed it away in her purse.

  The words on the page jumped out at her. But I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you, and pray for them which despitefully use you, and persecute you; That ye may be children of your Father which is in heaven: for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good, and sendeth rain on the just and on the unjust. She glanced at the margin to the side of the main text and was alerted to an accompanying passage. She quickly flipped the pages. But love ye your enemies, and lend, hoping for nothing again; and your reward shall be great, and ye shall be called children of the Highest: for he is kind u
nto the unthankful and to the evil. Be ye merciful, as your Father also is merciful.

  Lillianna read the passages again, this time slowly. I can’t do it, Lord. I’m sorry. She quickly slapped the Bible shut and shoved it into her purse. How could God ask her to not only forgive Clay, but to bless and pray for him? God may have an abundance of mercy, but she found herself lacking disparagingly. She couldn’t do it.

  <><><>

  Just ten minutes until they reached home. Many emotions churned in Lillianna’s mind as she fretted about their arrival. What would Mamm and Dat say when I arrive with a boppli of my own – with no father? The thought unnerved her so much so that if she had someplace else to go, she’d ask Jones to turn around.

  But there was no other place. Thomas was gone – most likely for good. Without being able to share the truth with him, she had no hope of ever reconciling with Thomas. Pain stabbed at her heart and she wiped a tear away.

  The baby began to stir and Lillianna smiled as the babe stuck her bottom out and stretched her tiny arms wide. How could someone so beautiful come from such a wretched, sinful act? It had to be God’s mercy; that was the only thing she could think of. Mercy. Yes, that is what she would name her.

  “Hello, Mercy. Do you like your name?” Lillianna took the baby into her arms as the limo rolled to a stop, and braced herself for her parents’ reaction.

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  Thomas stared up at the sky, a forlorn look in his eye. As he walked the farmland on his sister’s property, he raised his fist to the heavens. “See? This is exactly why I refuse to believe in You!” He kicked a mound of dirt in frustration. “Why didn’t You just let me die? Why did You have to bring Lillianna back into my life? Is this some sort of cruel joke?”

  “Who are you talking to?”

  Thomas spun around at the sound of the male voice. An Amish man appeared near the wooded area that bordered his sister’s property. Must be a neighbor.

  “Uh…no one,” Thomas answered.

  The man nodded. “I see.” He thrust a hand in Thomas’ direction. “Jonathan Fisher.”

  Thomas shook the man’s hand. “Thomas Girod.” He pointed to the brown bottle Jonathan held. “Got another one of those? I could really use one right now.”

  Jonathan’s brow raised. “Root beer?”

  “Oh no, I thought it was–” He waved a hand in front of his face. “Never mind.”

  He chuckled. “Jah, my Susie gets upset when I drink this. She says it looks like the devil’s brew.”

  Thomas pointed to the woods. “Do you live there?”

  “Me? Nee. This is my father-in-law’s place, Judah Hostettler.”

  Thomas rubbed his chin. “I’ve heard that name. Isn’t he the bishop?”

  “Jah.”

  Thomas noticed Jonathan staring at his Englisch clothes.

  “Are ya thinkin’ on buying this land?” Jonathan asked.

  “Oh, no. This is my sister’s place. She and her husband live here with their two kinner. He was injured pretty badly when a tractor crushed his legs. I came to help out until he recovers.”

  Jonathan nodded. “Would you like to come for supper?”

  Thomas shook his head. “I don’t think so. It’s my first day back and I’m sure my sister will want me to eat with her family.”

  “Another time, then?”

  “Uh, yeah, sure.”

  “So, you used to be Amish?”

  “Yes. I left almost four years ago.”

  “Why?”

  Thomas scratched his head and grimaced. “Well, both of my folks died. I guess I had a lot of questions that I needed answered.”

  “How did your folks die?”

  “Flash flood. They were crossing a familiar stream, one we’d cross all the time. I reckon Dat didn’t realize how much it had risen after the storm.”

  “I’ve heard those can be dangerous. I guess the water is pretty swift once it gets going. My neighbor lost a cow one time. I was down by the creek to see what had become of the storm and there was his heifer floating away.”

  Thomas chuckled. “I bet that was a sight.”

  Jonathan laughed. “Jah, I felt bad for her though. She probably didn’t even know what was going on.”

  “Like my folks.” Thomas sobered.

  “Did you ever get your questions answered?”

  “No. I have more questions now than ever.”

  “Like what?”

  Thomas shrugged. “Why? Why did God allow my folks to die and leave their children to fend for themselves? Why did God allow me to get cancer? Why did God bring the girl of my dreams to me, only for her to have an affair with her employer and conceive a baby out of wedlock?”

  “Wow. I admit those are some tough ones.” Jonathan lifted his hat and glanced up at the sky. “Why do you assume God did all these things?”

  “He didn’t stop them from happening.”

  “Maybe not. Are you a robot?”

  This guy must be nuts. “What? A robot? No. Not last time I checked anyway.”

  “Okay. Your girl. Did someone put a gun to her head and make her sleep with her employer?”

  “Hey, look. I didn’t ask for details. I didn’t want the details. They had an affair. Period. I’d rather not know any more about it.”

  “So she chose to do what she did?”

  Thomas nodded.

  “There’s your answer. It was sin. Not God.”

  “Yeah, well what about my folks? What sin did they commit to have a rush of water carry them away to their death?”

  “Not their sin; Adam’s. When mankind chose to sin, the world became cursed. Floods, disasters, these things are all a result of sin.”

  “But why them?”

  Jonathan shrugged. “We all have to die sometime. By the way, death is also a result of sin. Man was originally intended to live forever.”

  “What if I told you I believe in evolution?”

  “I’d say you look a lot smarter than that.”

  “Ouch, that wasn’t nice.”

  “The Bible says, ‘The fool hath said in his heart there is no God.’ To deny the existence of God would be to close your eyes to the beauty around you, to close your ears to the symphony of nature, to close your nostrils to the scents wafting on the breeze, to close your mouth to the delicacies of nourishment, to close your hands to the feel of luxury, to close your mind to the ability to think, and to close your heart to the only love that can penetrate the depths of the soul. For in Him all things consist, in Him we live, and move, and have our being, and without Him we cannot help but be fools. The only reason people supposedly believe in evolution is because they don’t want to believe in God. Either that, or they desire to live in sin and don’t want to answer for it. There is no real proof for it whatsoever.”

  “I know,” Thomas finally admitted to himself. “I recently found that out by some online videos my ex-fiancée directed me to. They pretty much discredited all the supposed ‘proof’ for evolution.”

  Both men turned when they heard a voice calling.

  “That’s my brother. I better go,” Thomas said.

  “Why don’t you come by for supper on Friday? My house is a little ways past the school house on the right. It’s a white two-story with a dawdi haus and a sign that says Fishers’ Furniture.”

  “I’ll do that. Thanks for the chat. It was nice meeting you, Jonathan.”

  Jonathan nodded. “You too.”

  CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

  It’s a good thing Lillianna hadn’t expected to be treated like the Prodigal Son who’d returned home, because if she had, she would have been sorely disappointed. She had hoped that her family wouldn’t condemn her though.

  When she arrived with Mercy in her arms, her folks had been shocked, to say the least. Her younger siblings were happy to see a boppli, but wondered where the boppli had come from. They didn’t really understand that one could have a baby without a father present too, unless the father had died. They’d never witne
ssed a circumstance like Lillianna’s in their secluded Amish community.

  Dat had been livid and insisted she stay in the dawdi haus so as not to negatively influence the other children. As she’d expected, he said he wasn’t surprised she’d returned home with an infant out of wedlock, given the article in the tabloid. He apparently believed it as the Gospel Truth.

  “Any time you adamantly go against the ordinances of your authority, you open yourself up to sin. You knew better than to wear the fancy Englisch clothes. You’d been taught better. Their ways are not our ways, Lillianna. No doubt, that’s what tempted the man in the first place,” her father had said.

  Lillianna supposed she could understand his point of view, but it didn’t make accepting it any easier. Had he known the truth, she would hope that her father would embrace her and reassure her that life would be okay again. She desired for her father to erase the deleterious image of man’s primal side that Clay had ingrained into her psyche. Isn’t that the essence of what every child desired – the acceptance and comfort of a loving father?

  She’d already felt the bonds of self-deprecation and carried around the guilt from her choice of clothing. That in itself had been difficult to comprehend since the majority of the women present had been dressed less modestly than her. She’d asked herself many times if the outcome would have been different had she not gone to the charity gala at all. It was an answer she’d never know for certain. Even so, it is amazing how quickly others will judge when they have no idea of the actual circumstances surrounding an incident. But Der Herr had been gracious to give her a verse for this as well. He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him. Fortunately, she had a different picture of her Heavenly Father.

  “You may come in to eat after the others are through with eating and cleaning up,” Dat had said. “You also need to clean up after yourself and put the food away.”