The House Swap: An absolutely hilarious feel-good romance

by Jo Lovett

  When it was time for Cassie to go through airport security, James took her hands and kissed her full on the lips.

  ‘Can’t wait to see you on Wednesday,’ he said.

  ‘Me too.’ Cassie looked gorgeous when she’d just been kissed, her eyes hazy and her lips plump and red.

  She turned round to leave, and as she moved away, James said, ‘I love you.’

  Her back stiffened and she turned round, her mouth forming an O shape and her eyes wide.

  She looked stunned, frankly.

  As well she might. He was pretty stunned himself.

  He’d just told her he loved her. And they’d only been in each other’s lives since April, what, seven months ago. And, yes, they’d talked a lot and they’d spent some time together, including this whole fantastic weekend, and they’d spent last night having a lot of fantastic sex. But what the hell had he been thinking saying he loved her?

  He was pretty sure he did love her.

  Certain, actually.

  But you didn’t tell someone you loved them when you barely knew them. Or when there was no chance of things going anywhere because you didn’t live in the same place and one of you was never having kids and the other was desperate for a baby.

  She didn’t even know the full story of why he didn’t want kids. He’d have to tell her, as soon as possible. He couldn’t say he loved her with all that that might imply without giving her the full facts about himself. He’d broken his own rule of not letting anyone think he was more serious about them than he was.

  Although, in fact, he was serious about her. But he did not want kids and she did. He should not have told her he loved her.

  What. An. Idiot.

  She was still staring at him.

  Oh, to hell with it. He’d talk to her about it properly later in the week.

  ‘I love you,’ he repeated.

  Twenty-Four

  Cassie

  Cassie’s tote was swinging uncomfortably from her elbow from when it had fallen down when she’d spun round to stare at James. She hitched it back onto her shoulder.

  He’d just told her he loved her. Twice. She should definitely reply. Unfortunately, it seemed that she couldn’t speak.

  ‘Excuse me.’ A tall woman in extremely pink lipstick and a heavily shoulder-padded power suit gestured at the door behind Cassie and the handful of people behind herself. ‘A queue’s forming.’

  ‘Oops, yes, so sorry.’ Cassie tried to move to one side to let people through, but there wasn’t space. And she was supposed to be boarding any minute. And she had no idea what to say.

  So she lifted her non-bag arm and gave James a little wave, said, ‘Bye,’ and scuttled through the door with the tall woman close behind.

  What? What? What? James had told her he loved her, twice, and she’d told him Bye. She stepped onto a travelator in a daze, thinking about James’s face as she’d left him. He’d been smiling when he spoke but the smile had faded significantly when she’d just walked off.

  What should she do now?

  Phone him? Text him?

  To say what?

  She could maybe say she was looking forward to seeing him on Wednesday.

  She pulled her phone out of her bag. Oh. Text from Dina. Dina. Gaah. Last night. Guilt.

  Hey, how’s your weekend been? I’ve had a great time visiting Amy. Just got out of bed. Hooked up with one of her college professors last night!!!! How bad is that??? GREAT night though :)

  Wow. So great news that Dina had hooked up with someone. Fantastic news. But, oh, God, Cassie had slept with James last night and he had just told her he loved her.

  Ow. Ow. Woah. End of the travelator.

  Cassie managed to save herself from what felt like possible death or a broken ankle at the very least by grabbing the nearest person.

  ‘Are you alright?’ The lipsticked, shoulder-padded woman looked pointedly at Cassie’s hand scrunching her suit sleeve.

  ‘I’m fine. Thank you.’ Cassie wiggled her ankle – again, ow – let go of the woman and bent down to pick up her bag and all the things that had fallen out of it.

  Right. Sorted. Hopefully she hadn’t actually sprained her ankle.

  There was a lesson there. Never read texts on a travelator.

  It looked like she had a couple of minutes before her row was going to be called to board. She had to call James.

  ‘Hi.’ He was smiling. She could hear it in his voice.

  ‘Hello.’ Oh, for God’s sake. No words. She should have thought this through before she called. Say something. ‘I’ve had a great weekend. I’m really looking forward to seeing you on Wednesday.’

  ‘Me too.’

  ‘Okay. So bye then,’ she said.

  ‘Bye. Safe flight.’ Still that undertone of a smile. Gorgeous.

  Meg was waving manically when Cassie got through the gates after sending a quick text to James to say that she’d arrived safely.

  They were still mid-hug when she said, ‘Cassie Adair, you are glowing.’

  ‘Am I?’ And that was a stupid way to have reacted. Of course she was glowing, though. Distracted, anyway. This afternoon the most gorgeous man in the world had told her he loved her. Clearly they had no future together, but she’d still spent the whole flight daydreaming. Not just about the L-word, either, but about all the sex.

  ‘Cassie, your eyes are practically glazing over.’

  ‘Big night last night,’ Cassie said. ‘Out with friends. I’m just tired.’

  ‘Hmm.’

  Finally Cassie had a moment to herself. It had been great having dinner this evening with Meg, her husband, their friends; of course it had. She just really needed more time to process what had happened over the weekend.

  She closed the loo door behind her and pulled out her phone. James had left a voicemail for her a couple of hours ago and she really wanted to know what he’d said.

  She had actual goosebumps as she heard his voice say Hi, Cassie. He’d just called to say hello. She was smiling just listening to him. Honestly. Moonstruck. She checked her watch. It was only quarter past eleven. He’d probably still be up. She could give him a quick call. Not from here, though, because anyone walking past might hear her. The garden would be best.

  ‘I’m just going to pop my head outside for some fresh air,’ she told the others on her way past the sitting room.

  ‘Good idea.’ Meg stood up. ‘I’ll join you.’ Bugger. Maybe Cassie would find a moment to call James tomorrow.

  ‘Hi, James.’

  ‘Well hello. How’s it going? What are you up to?’

  ‘I’m on my way to meet a friend, just walking down the road from Meg’s house. It’s raining. It rains a lot in Glasgow.’ This was good. This was what they did; they chatted on the phone. They did not have sex and tell each other they loved each other. Mundane was the way forward. ‘I didn’t bring an umbrella. I should have remembered one. I have my hood pulled up.’

  ‘Is that the one with the blue fur?’

  ‘No, a different one. I have more than one hood.’

  ‘I’m guessing you’re looking beautiful whichever hood it is.’ James’s voice was low and gravelly and Cassie’s insides were turning to jelly.

  ‘Why thank you,’ she said, trying to sound normal.

  ‘Talk me through what else you’re wearing.’ Oh, God, this was not going to be a mundane conversation. Cassie was fairly sure she was already blushing.

  ‘Hi again.’ This was the third time in two days that James had called her. Their last two conversations had completely avoided any L-word discussion but had been filthy, frankly.

  ‘Hi, James. I can’t talk because I’m just on my way into my aunt’s house.’

  He murmured a couple of things to her. And now she was hot all over just as she was about to sit down for afternoon tea. Honestly.

  Cassie took a bite of her – somewhat cardboardy – tuna and sweetcorn sandwich and looked out of the window. They were already halfway down England. They�
�d be landing in not much over half an hour and James was going to be meeting her at the airport.

  She couldn’t remember the last time she’d experienced such a fizz of anticipation. From what he’d said on the phone this morning, she was pretty sure that he’d be very keen for another night like Saturday night, and she was equally sure that she’d be very keen herself.

  On the one hand, at her age, it was nuts to start something with someone who’d told her he didn’t want kids. Who Dina – her neighbour and best friend – had been hung up on for months. And who’d become a good friend who she’d miss if they stopped seeing each other.

  On the other hand, they’d already pretty much put paid to the ‘we’re just friends’ thing on Saturday night and another night wouldn’t make any difference to that and would, almost certainly, be incredible.

  She took another bite of the sandwich. Honestly. The bread was so stale. At least she’d get good food later. James had suggested that they go out for dinner. Just the two of them. Very date-like. And they were supposed to be watching a film of Cassie’s choice afterwards, although maybe they’d have better things to do late at night. He’d also suggested that they go for a walk in Hyde Park together this afternoon, also very date-like.

  So stomach-churningly exciting, however stupid it might be.

  Cassie saw James as soon as she was through the automatic doors. He was a good half head taller and a lot broader than all the people around him, so he was easy to spot.

  His chin kind of wobbled as he smiled at her, like a wave of emotion had washed over him. Cassie’s eyes pricked in response.

  And then she was clear of all the other passengers and they were standing facing each other.

  ‘Good flight?’ James asked.

  ‘Not bad. Had some tepid water and an almost edible sandwich.’

  ‘Good to hear that you won’t have ruined your appetite for later.’

  ‘I definitely haven’t done that.’

  A slow smile spread across James’s face and he held out his arms. Cassie walked straight into them and they had a long hug. Which was lovely. Yes, this, whatever this was, had no future, but they might as well enjoy today. Before she went home and planned her next solo IVF attempt.

  ‘Right.’ James released her and picked up her suitcase. ‘Better get going. I have a cab waiting outside.’

  It was kind of weird being in the back of a taxi – with, therefore, a taxi driver in the same enclosed space and presumably listening with at least one ear to their conversation – when they obviously had so much personal stuff to say to each other.

  Cassie went down the route of talking about her stay in Glasgow and James told her a couple of work anecdotes.

  They carried on with the inconsequential chat the whole time through taking Cassie’s bags up to the flat and until they were walking in the park, surrounded only by trees, with no other people in sight.

  ‘So I thought we should talk.’ James scuffed a little pile of orange and brown leaves with his foot. ‘I kind of wanted to leave it until tomorrow, but I thought we should do it today, so that we have time to say whatever we like, without a plane departure deadline.’

  ‘Yes.’ Cassie nodded.

  ‘Actually, if you don’t mind, there’s something I’d like to tell you. I never tell anyone this. Ever.’ He scuffed more leaves.

  ‘Of course.’ Cassie wanted to hug him but he seemed to have withdrawn into himself physically. It didn’t seem likely that he was going to tell her anything good.

  ‘The sister I baked with. She was twelve years younger than me.’ God. Past tense. He was going to tell her something really terrible.

  James stopped talking.

  ‘Yes,’ Cassie said, to fill the gap and to prompt him to speak because now that she knew he was going to tell her something awful she just wanted to know immediately.

  ‘Basically, none of our fathers were around. It was our mother, my older sister, Ella, me and Leonie, my little sister. As I told you before, our mother was an alcoholic, and from when Leonie was little she got worse and worse. Ella and I were terrified that we’d get taken into care, so between us we did everything at home and looked after Leonie. Ella and I were also both determined to have better lives, and we both worked hard at school and she ended up doing medicine at university and I did economics. She went to Bristol University and medicine’s a very full-on degree, obviously, so she didn’t really come home much, and then she met her husband when they were in their second year. So then it was really just me looking after Leonie by myself a lot of the time. I went to university in London so that I could carry on living at home and then I went for the best paid job I could find, which was in finance, so that I could earn enough to buy a flat and support us all properly. Anyway, to cut a very long story somewhat shorter, I really didn’t do a great job of looking after Leonie. She ended up addicted to heroin. I was working long hours. Our mother was completely out of it by then. Ella had got married and had twin daughters, who are eight now. I did my best but I just wasn’t up to the task of parenting Leonie. She died of an overdose five years ago. Our mother died last year.’ He carried on walking, looking straight ahead. This was probably why he didn’t drink much and why he seemed so obsessive about everything in his home being new, tidy and perfect.

  ‘James. I’m so, so sorry.’ Cassie hurried to keep up with him.

  ‘I don’t tell people this, ever.’ He was still walking and looking straight ahead. ‘I wanted to tell you to explain why I’m not going to have children. A guilt I have to live with forever is that I hated the burden of having to help parent when I was so young. And a greater guilt is that I failed Leonie. I am categorically not going down that road again.’

  ‘James. No. You didn’t fail her. You really didn’t. It sounds as though you were a wonderful brother. I mean, for example, your baking. That’s so lovely and caring. You chose your university and your job so that you could look after your family. That isn’t failing them.’ Now was really not the time to talk about his decision not to have children. Maybe there’d never be a time to talk about that. It wasn’t important right now. What was important was trying to find some words to try to absorb any of his pain.

  ‘It doesn’t feel that way.’ His voice shook. ‘Sorry. Emotional. This is the first time I’ve ever told anyone this in such detail. Ella and I have never talked about it. I can’t talk about Leonie with her. My best friends from university don’t know either. I never invited them over.’

  Wow. Huge. Cassie really couldn’t think of anything else to say. ‘Could I hug you?’ she asked.

  ‘Okay.’ James had been walking with his arms folded across his chest. He stopped walking and lowered his arms to his side.

  Cassie put her arms round him. His entire body was rigid. She stood and held him for a long time until eventually he started to relax.

  ‘It doesn’t sound like you’re ever going to believe this,’ she said, ‘but I can’t think of a time when I’ve heard a story of greater family love. I think you’re amazing.’ She reached up and touched the side of his face, his stubble scratching her fingers.

  James lifted his arms from where he’d been holding them at his sides and put them round her.

  ‘You’re wrong, but thank you,’ he said, his voice rough. ‘And thanks for listening. Come on. Let’s walk again. I know it isn’t exactly the weather for it, but they do great ice creams at the café along here. What’s your favourite flavour?’

  ‘Salted caramel, obviously, because it’s the best. I just want to say one thing. I think maybe you should tell Ella what you told me about Leonie. And now let’s go and get the ice creams.’

  It was dusk by the time they got back to the flat. They’d got their ice creams and walked miles round the park and talked a lot about very unemotive topics. They’d laughed a lot too, and at some point they’d ended up holding hands as they’d walked. It was probably the most memorable walk of Cassie’s entire life. And oddly the best. Except for the fact
that they still hadn’t discussed James’s weekend L-word bomb and the fact that this felt like something big except it wasn’t going to go anywhere.

  ‘I’m knackered.’ Cassie pulled her boots off and flopped onto the sofa. ‘How far do you think we walked? I feel like I’ve done actual exercise.’

  James sat down next to her and pulled her feet onto his lap and started on some very skilled foot rubbing. ‘I’d say at least five or six miles.’

  ‘Really? That’s a long way for an afternoon stroll.’ Cassie leaned her head against the back of the sofa. Unbelievably, because these were just her feet, whatever he was doing with his thumbs was causing her all sorts of sensations in all sorts of other parts of her body. ‘You’re an excellent foot masseur.’

  ‘That’s not the only body part I’m good with.’ He did an exaggerated wink.

  ‘Ooh er.’ Cassie laughed.

  And then he kissed her and she stopped laughing and kissed him back.

  ‘The only reason that I’m not going to suggest cancelling the restaurant and getting takeaway,’ James said two hours later, checking his watch, ‘is that obviously that’s very inconsiderate towards them. We should get dressed and go. And it’s a great restaurant. I think you’re going to love it.’

  They were only about fifteen minutes late in the end for their reservation. The restaurant was a French bistro, tucked away in a side street in Notting Hill.

  ‘Dessert?’ asked James two hours later.

  ‘Delicious as they look,’ Cassie said, ‘I’m going to pass because I’m very, very full already.’ She wasn’t that full but she would be if she ate pudding, and a full stomach wouldn’t help if the evening panned out the way she hoped it would. ‘Shall we maybe have our coffees… back at the flat?’

  They held hands all the way back, apart from when they stopped a few times for some kissing.

  By the time they got inside James’s building and into the lift, Cassie’s ability to think was completely gone. There was something gut-punchingly wonderful about watching themselves kiss in the mirrored walls of the lift, and when she simultaneously watched and felt James’s hands move under her top, it was like she might actually die of lust.