Hapgood

by Tom Stoppard

  BLAIR You know, I don’t really …

  HAPGOOD (Shouts) Break! Blind!

  BLAIR … I gave a chap a job with us once because he said he’d read physics and I thought he meant the book by Aristotle.

  HAPGOOD Was that last try converted?

  BLAIR No.

  HAPGOOD You weren’t looking.

  BLAIR They re-started with a drop-kick.

  HAPGOOD Joe’s worried about something too, we’ve both got the same look.

  BLAIR I’ve lost him again—you can’t tell one from the other when they’re all in the same get-up.

  HAPGOOD Once when he was really little, he got unhappy about something, he was crying, he couldn’t tell me what it was, he didn’t know what it was, and he said, ‘The thing is, Mummy, I’ve been unhappy for years.‘ He was only as big as a gumboot. (Pause. She freezes, thinking.) Oh … ssh—sugar!—Paul, you just said it.

  BLAIR What did I?

  HAPGOOD You can’t tell one from the other when they’re all in the same get-up. That was what it was. Listen. Ridley’s by the pool, Ridley’s Russian is getting dressed. Merryweather’s Russian arrives. Merryweather follows his Russian in and he follows the other Russian out, and why not?—they’re identical and he only saw them one at a time, it could happen to anybody, especially to Merryweather, he probably still doesn’t know there were two of them. Now Ridley comes from the pool and the same thing happens to him. He followed one Russian in and he follows the other one out, and why not?—they’re identical and he only saw them one at a time. Then he comes back inside and he says, ‘You didn’t tell me it was twins.’

  Referee’s whistle, a longer one indicating the end of the game.

  It’s true. I didn’t.

  Distantly the two rugby teams call for three cheers for each other, first for St Christopher’s, secondly for St Codron’s.

  BLAIR So how did he know?

  HAPGOOD He was expecting twins. I think it’s Ridley, Paul. I’ve left my own back door open. (Clapping) Well played, St Christopher’s … bad luck—

  BLAIR Oh, f-f-fiddle!

  JOE enters.

  HAPGOOD Hello, darling.

  JOE Hello, Mum.

  He is very muddy and glad to see her. His boots are a size too large.

  HAPGOOD Bad luck—well played anyway. Put this on.

  JOE Thanks.

  He takes the tracksuit and puts it on. Hapgood helps him a little.

  BLAIR Hello, Joe. I’m afraid they were rather good, weren’t they?

  JOE Yess’a.

  BLAIR How are you otherwise?

  JOE All rights’a, thank-yous’a. We always get beaten. I wish you wouldn’t watch, Mum.

  HAPGOOD Well, I like watching, I don’t mind if you get beaten.

  JOE But nobody watches except you.

  HAPGOOD There’s lots of people watching—look over there.

  JOE That’s the firsts—that’s what I mean, nobody watches Junior Colts B—!

  HAPGOOD I do.

  JOE I know, Mum—

  HAPGOOD Well, I won’t, then.

  JOE I like you coming—

  HAPGOOD I didn’t shout this time—

  JOE You did a bit, Mum.

  HAPGOOD Hardly at all, whose boots are those?

  JOE Mine. I bought them from Sandilands.

  HAPGOOD Who’s Sandilands?

  JOE He’s had his kidney out so he does art.

  HAPGOOD Oh. How much?

  JOE A pound.

  HAPGOOD A pound? What was wrong with yours?

  JOE I lost one.

  HAPGOOD You lost a rugby boot?

  JOE Yes. Well, not exactly, I mean I haven’t got any rugger boots.

  HAPGOOD (Irked) Of course you have, what were you playing in before?

  JOE My running shoes—it doesn’t matter, nobody minds—

  HAPGOOD You mean you never had any rugby boots?

  JOE Only this term, Mother—

  HAPGOOD Why didn’t you say?

  JOE It’s all right, it’s silly to buy new boots for Colts B.

  HAPGOOD And now you’ve lost a running shoe?

  JOE It’s not lost, it’s on the roof. I borrowed the key for Mr Clark’s garage where there’s the ladder, I was going to get it down in break with the ladder but then I lost it.

  HAPGOOD The ladder?

  JOE No, the key, Mum—I put it somewhere and Mr Clark will have an epi if I don’t find it.

  HAPGOOD Is that what you’re worried about, Mr Clark’s garage key?

  BLAIR I’ll send one of the burglars.

  JOE It’s all right, don’t do anything, Mum—

  HAPGOOD I won’t. When was all this?

  JOE Today after breakfast—oh: thank you for the parcel. Your card came too. When were you in Austria?

  HAPGOOD What was in the parcel?

  JOE The chocolate animals.

  HAPGOOD Oh, yes.

  JOE I gave one to Roger.

  HAPGOOD How is Roger?

  JOE I think he’s pregnant.

  HAPGOOD Oh dear.

  JOE Well, he’s awfully fat and he only eats chocolate.

  HAPGOOD Oh, well …

  JOE I’ve got to go—

  HAPGOOD Yes, don’t miss tea—have you told Mr Clark you’ve lost his garage key?

  JOE No, I mean he doesn’t know I borrowed it.

  HAPGOOD Don’t tell him yet—do the grid for me. From getting up, to when you couldn’t find it. You remember how we do that?

  JOE It’s all right, Mother—

  HAPGOOD I know it’s all right. Just do the grid—five minutes for every square, don’t leave any out because the key is in one of them, and phone me in first break if you haven’t found it.

  JOE Yes, all right, thanks, Mum—thanks for coming—

  BLAIR Goodbye, Joe.

  JOE Goodbyes’a.

  HAPGOOD Bye, darling—I’ll let you know when I can come again—

  They exchange a kiss and he runs off.

  BLAIR (Suddenly hearty) I say—what a jolly nice young chap! Excellent knees.

  HAPGOOD (Tightly) Right, fine, thanks, point taken—I sent him a postcard; sorry. Oh, sugar, Paul!

  BLAIR I merely said—

  HAPGOOD No, you’re right, I break the rules, but I keep missing things, last time I missed him in Robin Hood even if he was only a tree, and if I can’t send him a rotten postcard you can take Vienna and stick it up your—

  BLAIR Right, fair enough—

  HAPGOOD —jumper! Oh, fiddle!—I already run the only intelligence network in the Western world which exhibits seasonal fluctuations, and it’s only a matter of time before somebody works out it’s the school holidays. And now there’s Ridley. Really I should pack it in.

  BLAIR Oh, yes, Ridley. You could be right about him. It makes one wonder about that Bulgarian we lost in Paris …

  HAPGOOD Ganchev, I thought so too. And Athens.

  BLAIR Yes, Athens. Wates will like that one.

  HAPGOOD It’s a mess.

  BLAIR Yes. Frankly I’d rather it were Kerner. That’s just a better mousetrap. The real secrets are about intentions and deployment, and Ridley could make it shit city around here, I like the way they talk, the Americans, don’t you?—no, of course you don’t. What do you say when you burn your hand on a saucepan? ‘Oh, sugar’?

  HAPGOOD I don’t cook.

  BLAIR I didn’t know you knew. Well, what are we going to do about Ridley? We could reel him in for a hostile interview but I’d rather catch him at it.

  HAPGOOD Yes, that’s right. We missed our chance today, we’ll have to make him do it all again.

  BLAIR (Surprised) He won’t come back to the well, it’s been poisoned.

  HAPGOOD I know. It’s difficult. I’ll think about it. Do you want some tea? They lay it on for parents and he’s entitled to two.

  BLAIR (Shakes his head) I think I’d better get the search going in back numbers. And someone should tell Downing Street we’re standing by Kerner.

&nbs
p; HAPGOOD I’ve done that.

  BLAIR Well … (He nods goodbye at her.) Don’t pack it in yet, I need you.

  HAPGOOD I was calling you at the pool this morning.

  BLAIR I was there.

  HAPGOOD I needed you.

  BLAIR No, no, that was only personal. But you’re going to need me now.

  HAPGOOD I’ll see you tomorrow. I’ll be twenty minutes late in, there’s something I have to do.

  Blair watches her go. The next time he moves he’s in Hapgood’s office giving his hat to MAGGS and taking off his overcoat.

  SCENE 4

  Hapgood’s office, ten a.m.

  There is a door from Maggs’s office. A window would be nice but is not necessary. There is a desk with the usual stuff including at least two telephones one of which is red. Push-button dialling. You can dial without picking up the receiver, and you can talk to Maggs without picking up anything. There is a photograph frame on the desk, not too large. There is a safe. There is a decent old polished table big enough for six people to meet though we never need it for more than four. It might be nice to make the conference table and the desk all one thing so long as Hapgood doesn’t look like Mussolini at work. An armchair would be useful but not if it has to be carried on. Anyway, there should be room to walk around. Maggs is Hapgood’s secretary. He is young, calm, professional.

  MAGGS Mrs Hapgood will be late. I’ve told Mr Wates.

  BLAIR Is he here? I didn’t see him.

  MAGGS He’s washing his hands and can he have a word.

  BLAIR Well, I’m here.

  MAGGS He said to say he’s washing his hands and can he have a word.

  BLAIR Don’t be silly.

  MAGGS That’s what he said. Can I get you some tea?

  BLAIR No, I don’t think so, thank you, I had some. Was that Merryweather out there?

  MAGGS Yes, sir.

  BLAIR Well, somebody should go and tell Mr Wates to stop washing his hands.

  MAGGS I’ll ask Mr Merryweather.

  Maggs takes Blair’s hat and coat and scarf out. Under the coat Blair looks a bit rumpled, yesterday’s shirt, that sort of feeling. He has a Daily Telegraph. He makes himself comfortable and opens it up.

  The red telephone rings. It has its own sound. Blair takes no notice.

  Maggs hurries in.

  BLAIR It’s the red line, I thought I wouldn’t get in the way.

  MAGGS (Into phone) Mrs Hapgood’s office … oh, hello, I’m sorry she isn’t in … Yes, I’m fine, thanks, how are things your end?

  Wates enters, looking terrific: suit, white shirt, tie, polished shoes. The clothes are loose enough for a gun and the radio to be in there somewhere but not baggy.

  Blair gets up to greet him.

  BLAIR Ben! Good morning!

  WATES Paul.

  BLAIR Come in—sit down—

  MAGGS (Into phone) Uh, hold on a moment—

  BLAIR Mrs Hapgood won’t be long.

  MAGGS (To Blair) Excuse me—should I …?

  BLAIR No, no—it’s perfectly all right. (To Wates) Downing Street.

  WATES Uh-huh.

  MAGGS (Into phone, baffled) You lost Mr Clark’s garage key?

  BLAIR (Hastily) The Telegraph has got a lot better, I notice … doesn’t come off on your hands the way it used to. Maggs said you were washing your hands, but he didn’t say of what.

  WATES You guys.

  BLAIR (Cheerfully) Yes, it’s wit city around here.

  WATES No, you’re funny like funny money, it doesn’t mean everything it says.

  MAGGS (Into phone) He threw your boot on the roof.

  WATES I’m not listening.

  MAGGS (Into phone) Five minutes for every square. Uh-huh. One square finding Whitaker for Matron. In the toilet, all right—two squares just dossing about, all right—

  BLAIR Perhaps …

  MAGGS (Into phone) I’ll call you straight back from my office. (He puts down the red phone and leaves, closing the door.)

  BLAIR You wanted a word, I think …

  WATES Well …

  BLAIR … in the washroom.

  Wates gets up, or perhaps he hasn’t sat down, his manner is restless. He picks up the photo on Hapgood’s desk.

  WATES (Quietly) Mother.

  BLAIR Mm?

  WATES Ridley and the other one, Merryweather, they call her Mother.

  BLAIR Yes.

  WATES There’s a son.

  BLAIR There is a son but she was called Mother when she joined the Defence Liaison Committee—the tea would arrive and the Minister would say, ‘Who’s going to be mother?’

  WATES She was the only woman.

  BLAIR Yes. She’s still the only woman.

  WATES Is there a Mr Hapgood?

  BLAIR No.

  WATES Dead?

  BLAIR Is this idle curiosity?

  WATES You tell me.

  BLAIR Hapgood is her own name. Mrs is a courtesy title. It saves a lot of explanation. Usually.

  WATES Do you mind if I ask you something, Paul?

  BLAIR I’m beginning to.

  Wates puts the frame carefully back on the desk. Suddenly impatient.

  WATES Look, it’s simple: do you know who the kid’s father is or not?

  Blair stares back at him, quite blank, and Wates lets it go. Wates has a complaint now.

  She calls me Wates.

  BLAIR It’s a sort of compliment.

  WATES It doesn’t sound friendly.

  BLAIR Mister wouldn’t be friendly.

  WATES You call me Ben.

  BLAIR That’s another sort of compliment.

  WATES She doesn’t call me Ben.

  BLAIR That would be friendly but not necessarily a compliment.

  WATES She calls you Paul.

  BLAIR Yes, but we’re friends.

  WATES Can you explain this in some way I’d understand it?

  Blair considers the question.

  BLAIR No, I don’t think so.

  WATES You guys.

  BLAIR What did you want to talk about?

  WATES Ridley.

  BLAIR All right.

  WATES You don’t look surprised.

  BLAIR It’s deceptive.

  WATES I was thinking about Ridley. Kerner delivers but Ridley intercepts. Ridley intercepts and delivers to Hapgood. Ridley and Hapgood. Hapgood and Ridley. I know the tune. You didn’t tell me it was him in Athens.

  BLAIR Oh, yes, Athens.

  WATES Talk to me about Athens, Paul, since we’re friends.

  BLAIR Well, we targeted a radio operator in the Russian Embassy in Athens who was cheating on his wife with a local girl we put in his way, a straightforward honeytrap. Mrs Hapgood came out from London to put the squeeze on him. Ridley was at that time number three in the Athens station, he took the photographs. But it went wrong and as you know we had to pull Ridley out of Athens in a hurry.

  WATES He killed an American agent.

  BLAIR That isn’t how I’d put it.

  WATES How would you put it?

  BLAIR He killed a Greek national who turned out to be on the Company payroll. Anyway, it was a sideshow. The KGB goons busted our Russian in the girl’s flat. Simply bad luck. The girl got roughed up in the process and her pimp took it into his head that Ridley set her up. He tried to shoot Ridley on the stairs of his apartment and Ridley shot him first.

  WATES So Ridley moves on to Paris. (Pause.) Now I’m thinking about Ganchev, you remember Ganchev?

  BLAIR Ganchev. I can’t quite place him.

  WATES Bulgarian. He was one of your joes, shot dead in Paris. He was your Bulgarian—he got blown—the Bulgarians took him out—boom!—and you can’t quite place him.

  BLAIR Oh, yes, Ganchev.

  WATES Right, Miron Ganchev. He was Ridley’s joe, wasn’t he?.

  BLAIR Yes, that’s right.

  WATES He was making a meet with Ridley and he was killed in a safe house in the rue Velásquez except it wasn’t a safe house any more.

  BLA
IR Yes.

  WATES It was Ridley’s meet. Two doorkeys, whoever gets there first waits for whoever gets there second. Ridley was second.

  BLAIR I think I can see what you’re getting at but unfortunately Ganchev was shot at a range of about nine inches and Ridley was in a taxi in a traffic jam on the wrong side of the river. We went into it.

  WATES No, you don’t see. Who says he was in a taxi?

  Pause.

  BLAIR (Quietly) Ben, I really wouldn’t want you to make an ass of yourself.

  WATES Who says he was in a taxi?

  BLAIR Fuck off.

  WATES It was Hapgood. She was in the taxi too. And you went into it. Did you get the taxi driver? No. You had Ridley’s boss.

  BLAIR (Flares up) What is this—couldn’t you sleep? This is stood on nothing: if Ridley did it, Hapgood must have alibi’d him; if Hapgood alibi’d him Ridley must have done it. You’ve got nothing, Ben, except insomnia.

  WATES That’s what it was. Nine p.m. Washington time I’m in Grosvenor Square, going through the whole thing again, I’m thinking about the radio signal in Kerner’s briefcase. It gets to the meet, no question. Kerner delivers, Ridley collects, Ridley delivers to Hapgood. The signal goes dead.

  BLAIR It’s still insomnia.

  WATES (Imperturbably) It’s still insomnia and I’m still thinking about Kerner’s bleep. It went off the air but what does that mean? Maybe it went off the air, maybe we lost the frequency, maybe it hopped frequencies, maybe there was an override, you know what I mean? I didn’t believe any of it, I just wanted to get rid of these things so I could forget the bleep and think about something else. So my guy’s radio-finder is sitting on the desk and I put on the phones and I tune it in … and, Paul, it was alive. It was transmitting like a bullfrog.

  BLAIR Two o’clock in the morning?

  WATES (Nods) I start waking people up. I have a vector on it, I need co-ordinates. By four o’clock I know which street, I know the building, I know which corner of the building, I know how high up the building within eight feet, I mean, shit, I know which room. It was coming from this office. The bleep has come back home. It’s here.

  BLAIR Why didn’t you wake me?

  WATES Where were you sleeping?