Hapgood

by Tom Stoppard

  MAGGS McPherson came in if you want it.

  HAPGOOD Really?

  RIDLEY It’s five minutes to two, Mother.

  HAPGOOD I want to know about McPherson.

  MAGGS Bishop to queen two.

  Pause.

  HAPGOOD Right.

  RIDLEY Mother.

  The red phone rings. Maggs lifts it up.

  MAGGS (To phone) Mrs Hapgood’s office … just a moment.

  He gives the phone to Hapgood and leaves.

  RIDLEY Shit!

  HAPGOOD What do I do?

  RIDLEY Talk!

  Ridley has two desperate concerns: to wire up his ‘eavesdrop’ and to prompt Hapgood. But it’s hopeless, a mess.

  HAPGOOD (To phone) Hello … yes, it’s her, it’s me …

  RIDLEY ‘I want to talk to Joe’ … ‘I want to talk to Joe!’

  HAPGOOD (Covering the phone) I can’t hear! (Into phone)

  Yes … Eleven thirty … (To Ridley) Someone wants a meeting.

  RIDLEY Where? Keep them talking, ask for Joe …

  HAPGOOD Yes … Where? … Right …

  Ridley is nowhere near ready when she puts the phone down.

  RIDLEY I’ll kill you for this!—Eleven thirty where? Where?

  Hapgood is still contemplating the phone warily.

  HAPGOOD Ten Downing Street.

  RIDLEY What? Oh, Jesus!

  HAPGOOD Was that it?

  RIDLEY No. I thought they were early.

  HAPGOOD Who’s Joe?

  Ridley ignores her, he works on the red phone.

  Listen, I can’t do this if you don’t tell me what I’m doing.

  RIDLEY I’ll tell you when it’s time to tell you. God almighty … I ought to slap you bow-legged.

  HAPGOOD You don’t mean Betty’s Joe, do you? Ernie?

  RIDLEY Ridley.

  HAPGOOD Ridley. What’s the silly cow been up to?

  RIDLEY Don’t you like her?

  HAPGOOD Of course I like her, she’s my sister.

  Ridley completes his work, and pauses to consider her. He’s unsettled, somehow thrown by seeing her in this office, in these clothes … She is so obviously Hapgood.

  RIDLEY Mrs Newton. What happened to him? You’re divorced?

  HAPGOOD I’ll say. Bastard owes me thousands. Actually it was Mr Newton who did for Betty and me. She said he’d go bad, warned me off, sister to sister. So I crossed her off my list and married him. Then he went bad. So of course I never forgave her.

  Do you mean she plays chess without a board?

  RIDLEY Looks like it.

  HAPGOOD That sounds like her.

  RIDLEY She’s something.

  HAPGOOD Showing off, I meant.

  RIDLEY Why aren’t you close?

  HAPGOOD Well, she was always the scholarship girl and I was the delinquent. Having the kid was good for her, she always thought the delinquents had the bastards and the scholarship girls had the wedding. It shook up her view of the world, slightly. Do you mind if I light up?

  RIDLEY She doesn’t smoke.

  HAPGOOD It’s all right, it’s not a real cigarette.

  She puts a home-made cigarette in her mouth; Ridley snatches it away and keeps it.

  RIDLEY For God’s sake, don’t you know where you are?

  HAPGOOD So what do we do now?

  RIDLEY (Looking at his watch) We wait.

  He leans over to reach the buttons on Hapgood’s desk.

  When I do this (He snaps his fingers.), you say, ‘No calls, Maggs, no interruptions.’

  He snaps his fingers.

  HAPGOOD No calls, Maggs, no interruptions.

  MAGGS’S VOICE Yes, ma’am.

  Satisfied for the moment, but nervy, Ridley paces.

  HAPGOOD He probably thinks …

  RIDLEY Yeh, nice thought.

  HAPGOOD Speak for yourself.

  RIDLEY I was.

  HAPGOOD Don’t fancy your fuckin’ chances.

  Pacing, Ridley, as though absentmindedly, takes the bundle of money out of his pocket, detaches a £50 note, and sets fire to it with his lighter. He carries on pacing, she carries on looking at him.

  Sit down, for God’s sake.

  Ridley sits at the table.

  Ten of hearts.

  RIDLEY What about it?

  HAPGOOD Ten of hearts—now you.

  Ridley sighs.

  RIDLEY King of hearts.

  HAPGOOD Two of clubs.

  RIDLEY Well, what are we playing?

  HAPGOOD Go on.

  RIDLEY Ace of spades.

  HAPGOOD Seven of diamonds.

  RIDLEY Haven’t you got any spades?

  HAPGOOD Play your cards.

  RIDLEY Six of hearts.

  HAPGOOD Two of hearts.

  RIDLEY This is stupid. Nine of clubs.

  HAPGOOD Jack of clubs.

  RIDLEY Jack of spades.

  HAPGOOD Snap!! Bad luck …

  Ridley jumps irritatedly to his feet, and then the red phone rings.

  RIDLEY Leave it!

  Listen—Betty’s Joe has been kidnapped—this is the people who took him.

  He takes her left hand, calmly, lays it palm-down on the desk, and using his own hand as a blade he chops her hand across the knuckles, with coolly judged force, enough to make her cry out with pain.

  You want to talk to Joe—where’s Joe, where’s Joe?

  He lifts the red phone now and puts it into her right hand, meanwhile putting the extra earpiece in his ear. Hapgood is whimpering and disoriented.

  HAPGOOD (Into phone) Hello, where’s Joe, I want to talk to Joe—I—Yes—yes—yes—Yes. I heard—can I talk to—

  Ridley relaxes. He takes the phone from her gently and replaces it. The phone call has taken perhaps fifteen seconds. Hapgood springs away from the desk, from him, crying, comforting her injured hand.

  RIDLEY You were very good!

  HAPGOOD You bloody maniac!

  Ridley is disconnecting his eavesdrop, replacing everything into his bag.

  Where’s Betty?—is it true about Joe?

  RIDLEY Yes, it’s true. But we’ll get him back. Eight hours to kill.

  Ridley retrieves her cigarette from his pocket, lights it, and puts it in her mouth. Hapgood draws on the cigarette, still shocked, trembling, settling down.

  You were fine. We can go now. Me first. Count twelve and I’ll see you outside.

  Ridley picks up his bag. Carefully he takes away her cigarette, takes a drag himself, and keeps the cigarette. He opens the door.

  Welcome to the firm.

  Ridley leaves. Left alone, Hapgood relaxes, although her hand is still painful. Maggs enters, anxious.

  MAGGS Is everything all right, Mrs Hapgood?

  HAPGOOD Yes, Maggs—everything’s fine. (She heads through the open door.) Queen to king one.

  MAGGS (Following her out) Queen to king one.

  SCENE 5

  A cheap hotel room. It is evening; dark. Perhaps a neon sign outside. Hapgood, fully dressed, has gone to sleep on the bed. Ridley stands watching her. Perhaps he is changing into the clothes which he will wear in the next scene.

  Ridley takes out his radio.

  RIDLEY (To radio) Mother.

  No answer.

  (To radio) Mother.

  No answer.

  (Louder to radio) Mother—where the hell are you!

  Hapgood, on the bed has stirred awake.

  HAPGOOD How much longer?

  RIDLEY A couple of hours.

  He puts his radio away and takes his gun out of his holster and checks it.

  HAPGOOD Ernest … I hardly dare ask you this, but is your mother in the secret service too?

  Ridley ignores that. He puts his gun back into the holster.

  What’s that for, Ernie?

  RIDLEY It’s for killing people. It’s a gun.

  HAPGOOD Do you kill people, Ernie?

  RIDLEY You’ll be the second.

  HAPGOOD I don’t like this.


  RIDLEY Me neither. Somebody’s lying to somebody. They’re lying to her or she’s lying to me.

  HAPGOOD Would she lie to you, Ernie?

  RIDLEY Telling lies is Betty’s habit, sweetheart—lies, fraud, entrapment, blackmail, sometimes people die, so Betty can know something which the opposition thinks she doesn’t know, most of which doesn’t matter a fuck, and that’s just the half they didn’t plant on her—so she’s lucky if she comes out better than even, that’s the edge she’s in it for, and if she’s thinking now it wasn’t worth one sleepless night for her little prep-school boy, good for her, she had it coming.

  HAPGOOD Maybe she did.

  RIDLEY She should have given him a daddy instead of getting her buzz out of running joes to please an old bastard who … (A thought strikes him, strikes him as funny.) who’s been running her for years!

  HAPGOOD What do you mean, Ernest?

  RIDLEY Your sister carries a torch. When it came to a choice she traded in a daddy for a joe who would have been blown overnight if he was known to be the father.

  HAPGOOD Talk English!

  RIDLEY I’ll get her kid back for her but it’s only personal. If she’s set me up I’ll kill her.

  HAPGOOD You’re potty about her, Ernest. I’m disappointed in you. You don’t know if you’re carrying a torch for her or a gun, no wonder you’re confused. You’re out on a limb for a boy she put there, while she was making the world safe for him to talk properly in and play the game. What a pal, I should have a friend like you.

  RIDLEY It’s not her fault. Do you think you cracked it taking snaps of fancy junk? She’s all right. Anyway, I like kids, and you never know, now and again someone is telling the truth.

  HAPGOOD You’re all right, Ernest. You’re just not her type.

  RIDLEY Yeh, she says I’m not safe. Too damned right I’m not. If I was safe I wouldn’t be in a whore’s hotel with somebody’s auntie waiting for a meet that smells like a dead cat.

  HAPGOOD Where would you be?

  RIDLEY Anywhere I like, with a solid gold box for a ticket.

  HAPGOOD You can walk away, Ernie, it’s only skirt.

  RIDLEY Shut up.

  HAPGOOD (Cranking up) You’d better be sure, she plays without a board. You haven’t got a prayer.

  RIDLEY Shut up!

  HAPGOOD If you think she’s lying, walk away. If you think bringing back her son will make you her type, walk away. You won’t get in the money, women like her don’t pay out—take my advice and open the box.

  RIDLEY (Grabbing her) Who the hell are you?

  HAPGOOD I’m your dreamgirl, Ernie—Hapgood without the brains or the taste.

  She is without resistance, and he takes, without the niceties; his kiss looks as if it might draw blood.

  SCENE 6

  The Pool. Night. Empty. A towel hangs over the door of Cubicle One (any cubicle).

  It is dark. Ridley (Two) enters from the lobby carrying a large torch. He looks around with the help of the torch. He moves upstage. We see only the torch now. The torch-beam comes back towards us. Ridley (One) walks into the beam. He has come from the showers (depending on the layout). He carries the sports bag. He approaches the torch. The two men embrace briefly. Our Ridley remains: The one with the torch retires. (The torch, of course, changed hands upstage—here and subsequently we only clearly see, and only hear, the actor who plays Ridley.)

  Ridley now opens his holdall, takes out a disc-box, and posts it under the door with the towel on it. He removes the towel and enters Cubicle Two. He hangs the towel over that door.

  Hapgood enters from the lobby. She pauses. Timid.

  HAPGOOD Ernest …?

  Ridley, with the torch, reveals himself.

  RIDLEY It’s OK. Call the boy.

  Hapgood hesitates.

  Call the boy.

  HAPGOOD Joe …

  JOE (Out of sight) Mummy …?

  He appears from upstage in the cubicle area. Hapgood moves to where she can see him.

  HAPGOOD Hello, darling. It’s all right.

  RIDLEY Stay there, Joe.

  Joe halts.

  Do it.

  Hapgood opens her bag, takes the disc-box from it, and posts it under the door of Cubicle Two (where the towel hangs). She pulls the towel down and tosses it over the door into the cubicle. She comes back to Joe and takes his hand.

  HAPGOOD Off we go.

  Hapgood takes Joe out through the lobby doors, followed by Ridley.

  When they have gone Ridley (Two) comes out of Cubicle Two, holding the towel and the disc which Hapgood had posted. He takes the towel to Cubicle One, where it had originally hung, and tosses it over the door. The door of the cubicle opens. Wates is inside. Wates has a gun.

  WATES (Just conversation) Hey, Ridley. Here’s what you do. You walk, you don’t talk.

  Wates walks Ridley upstage into the dark cubicle area.

  Pause. Blair comes from upstage and approaches Cubicle One. He takes from the cubicle the disc which had been posted there. Blair moves out towards the lobby but before he gets there Ridley comes in. Ridley is amused.

  BLAIR (Greeting) Ridley.

  Ridley laughs.

  RIDLEY It never smelled Russian, not for a minute. It smelled of private profit. No wonder the kidnap was so clean. Uncle Paul. What a breeze.

  BLAIR Except … surely …

  RIDLEY Except the boy will tell. I’m thinking.

  BLAIR I should.

  RIDLEY There was no kidnap.

  BLAIR Better.

  RIDLEY There was never any kidnap. You and Hapgood.

  BLAIR Much better.

  RIDLEY You and Hapgood. Make it look right, make a mug of me and the sister, and afterwards both of you back in place like china dogs on the mantelpiece.

  BLAIR Now you’ve lost me. Something about a sister.

  RIDLEY The sister is perfect. I know about this. She’s here and she’s not here.

  BLAIR I keep thinking you said sister.

  Hapgood has now come in quietly from the lobby.

  Surely you know Mrs Hapgood?

  RIDLEY I know her sister better. (To Hapgood) Don’t I?

  She gives nothing away.

  Give me a minute, I’m slow.

  A radio talks, softly, briefly. It is in Hapgood’s hand. She raises it to her mouth.

  HAPGOOD Mother.

  The radio mutters and stops. She puts the radio in her bag.

  RIDLEY Listen, be yourself. These people are not for you, in the end they get it all wrong, the garbage cans are gaping for them. Him most. He’s had enough out of you and you’re getting nothing back, he’s dry and you’re the juice. We can walk out of here, Auntie.

  HAPGOOD You should have opened the box.

  RIDLEY I could have walked away with it any time and let the boy take his chances. This way you got both, my treat.

  HAPGOOD There was nothing in there except a bleep.

  Pause.

  RIDLEY Well, now I don’t know which one you are. One of them fucks and one of them—

  HAPGOOD Don’t, Ridley—

  Ridley is going to kill her, as promised. Everything goes into slow motion, beginning with and including the sound of Hapgood’s gun, lasting probably five seconds. Ridley has got as far as taking his gun out when Hapgood shoots him.

  Meanwhile, Wates is leaning into view, upstage, slightly late, gun in hand. Strobe lighting.

  Blair doesn’t move.

  Meanwhile the cubicles are disappearing, and we are to find ourselves outside rather than inside the lobby doors. If the doors themselves remain the sign MEN is no longer reversed.

  Ridley (i.e. his body) is erased along with the cubicles and becomes a body on a stretcher, the face covered by a blanket. The gunshot and the strobe extend through this scene change. At the end of the change we are left with Hapgood, Blair, and Wates, the stretcher with stretcher bearers, and the Ridley Twin, handcuffed, under arrest being led away. Ridley, passing the stretcher, manages to look at the face und
er the blanket. He cries out indistinctly and is led away (by Merryweather).

  There is the flashing blue light of an ambulance off-stage. All this happens swiftly, continuously from the gunshot.

  BLAIR (To Wates angrily) Where were you?

  WATES I was second, he was third.

  (To Hapgood) Oh, you mother.

  BLAIR (To Wates) I want that ambulance out of here.

  WATES No rush.

  HAPGOOD Ben—? It was the shoulder.

  WATES No, ma’am.

  HAPGOOD It was the shoulder.

  WATES I’m sorry. It’s not like targets.

  Pause. Hapgood moves a few paces towards where the stretcher left and then comes back to Wates.

  HAPGOOD Ben, thank you for your co-operation.

  They shake hands.

  WATES You bet.

  Wates leaves.

  BLAIR Come on, Elizabeth, Joe’s waiting.

  HAPGOOD We said we’d do it without Joe.

  BLAIR It had to look right.

  HAPGOOD You lied to me.

  BLAIR Without the boy it wouldn’t have looked right.

  HAPGOOD I was willing to risk it.

  BLAIR I wasn’t.

  HAPGOOD I’ll never forgive you for that, never ever.

  BLAIR I know that. I knew that.

  HAPGOOD And what am I supposed to tell him?

  BLAIR Tell him it’s a secret. Small boys understand that.

  HAPGOOD What do you know about small boys?

  BLAIR Well, I was one.

  HAPGOOD Paul—

  BLAIR No, no, you’ll get over it.

  HAPGOOD No.

  BLAIR What about your network?

  HAPGOOD What network?! Ridley’s blown it inside out! Christ, Paul, I must have been buying nothing but lies and chickenfeed since Joe was in his pram!

  BLAIR One has to pick oneself up and carry on. We can’t afford to lose. It’s them or us, isn’t it?