Klawde--Evil Alien Warlord Cat--Enemies #2

by Johnny Marciano

  All I wanted was to be left alone to sniff catnip, nap in the sun, and eat kibble. The kibble, it was true, had been making my stomach hurt, but I found that the release of gas from my backside gave me enough relief to eat more.

  But the boy-ogre would not leave me alone, so I told him the entire wretched story of what had happened. He was furious at Ffangg on my behalf.

  “He can’t get away with this!”

  “Oh, Raj!” I said. “Always rushing to my defense, no matter how much I point out your many flaws.”

  “You’re using my name? You’re being considerate?” he said. “You’re freaking me out, Klawde.”

  “I freak myself out,” I said, and tried to slink back under the chair.

  The boy-Human blocked me.

  “Stop feeling sorry for yourself!” he said. “You’re not the Flabby Tabby. You’re the Evil Alien Warlord Cat! The greatest warmonger in the universe!”

  “But my tail . . . ,” I said.

  “Your tail doesn’t even look that bad!”

  “Easy for you to say,” I said. “You were born hideous.”

  I went to put the sock back on but the boy-ogre snatched it away.

  “Klawde, you have to stop with all the kibble and catnip and hiding,” he said. “You’ve let Ffangg get inside your head! You know those sayings you always quote? Revenge is a dish best served as often as possible! And, Revenge is the best medicine! Well, take your own advice. I did, and now my enemy is going to be sorry he ever messed with me!”

  The words stunned me. I had never heard my ogre so eloquent and convincing. Maybe what he said was true! After all, I was the greatest, most evil warlord the universe had ever known. Ffangg’s treachery could not take that away!

  And, relatively speaking, my tail wasn’t so bad—I still had a thousand times more fur than the ogre did.

  But what lifted my spirits was his talk of revenge. Just as solitude is the highest form of being on Lyttyrboks, so is revenge the supreme form of action. Remembering this broke the haze that had fogged my brain these past few days. Finally, I was thinking clearly again.

  “Ogre, you may be stupid, you may be hideous, you may be one of the lowest life-forms I have ever come across, but this day you have spoken the truth!” I said. “And for this, I despise you somewhat less.”

  “That’s my cat!” he said, smiling.

  I hated when Humans did that.

  In any case, what I needed was to rid the universe of Ffangg once and for all. And to achieve this end, I would challenge the traitorous general to one final contest.

  I would reach back into ancient history to what had come before the Duel of the Branch, a form of fighting so brutal it had been banned since the year 493-A.

  The Bout of the Box!

  CHAPTER 47

  “Hey, Ra-aj,” called a voice. “Is Chad over at your house? He got out again.”

  It was Lindy, the annoying kid from across the street, and Chad was her cat—the one Klawde more accurately called the Flabby Tabby.

  “Um, no, I don’t think so.”

  “I’ve seen him in your yard a few times when he does get outside. Maybe he’s friends with your kitty!”

  “I seriously doubt it,” I said.

  I was hoping she wouldn’t cross the street, but of course she did. She was clutching a copy of Americaman #11: The Terrornado Blows.

  “Have you heard that the author of Americaman moved to Elba?” she asked. “And did you know she has a son? I saw him once on his skateboard. Can you believe that they would live here! They belong in some cool place, like Brooklyn!”

  I didn’t bother telling her that they actually were from Brooklyn, or that I knew Cam all too well. But I couldn’t totally let Lindy’s statement go.

  “You know, I’m from Brooklyn,” I said.

  “Yeah, right!” she said, and laughed. “But don’t feel bad, you’re almost famous, too. My parents were reading about you in the newspaper. AQUA-BOT ATROCITIES!”

  “Yeah, well—”

  “I sure wish I could have been there to see that!” Lindy said, smiling at the thought. Then she scrunched up her nose. “The weird thing is that the Aqua-Bot looked like it was working fine the night before.”

  “What do you mean, the night before?” I asked. “What night before?”

  “The night before it went all psycho at your school, silly!” she said. “I saw it rolling down the sidewalk right before I went to bed.”

  “But—but,” I stammered. “That’s impossible!”

  “That’s what I thought. And then I figured out you had to be using a remote control.” The smile popped back onto Lindy’s face as she remembered something. “And it was so cute how you put your cat up on top of it! Chad would never be brave enough to ride a robot!”

  Klawde? Riding the Aqua-Bot? The night before it . . .

  Oh no!

  I had made a terrible mistake!

  CHAPTER 48

  It had been many naptimes since I had left the bunker, and many more since I had engaged in any sort of physical conditioning.

  As a result, I was somewhat larger than I was accustomed to being. It seemed like a very long distance indeed between my fortress and the street. So long, in fact, that I was gasping for breath by the time I got to the sidewalk.

  This journey might take longer than anticipated.

  The sun was still bright by the time I reached Ffangg’s citadel. My paws ached and my whiskers drooped, but I rang out my challenge like the supreme warrior I once had been—and would soon be again.

  “Ffangg,” I cried. “Come out of there and show your two-faced face!”

  My enemy emerged unhurriedly from his fortress. “What is this big, bellowing creature I see before me?” he said, whiskers twitching. “You almost look like an old friend of mine. Well, three or four of him.”

  “You know perfectly well who I am, traitor.”

  “Oh, Wyss-Kuzz, is that you? You really have . . . grown.”

  “Enough! I challenge you—”

  “Wyss-Kuzz, we have been through this already,” Ffangg said. “You lost, I won. It was all rather nice.”

  “That was a game for kittens,” I declared. “Today I challenge you to the ultimate fight.” I paused dramatically. “The Bout of the Box.”

  Ffangg’s face! It looked like he’d just seen the ghost of King Si-uh-meez, whose spirit is known to appear to cats on their deathbed.

  “You can’t mean—”

  “A FIGHT TO THE DEATH.”

  Ffangg glanced back at the kittens, who were watching avidly, and was forced to compose himself. “You really need not yell like that. My ears work perfectly well.” He turned to the kittens. “You must forgive him. His senses have been dulled by excessive cat-to-ogre contact. It is extremely detrimental to feline health.”

  The calico looked at Ffangg with a fresh skepticism, and then to me with curiosity. If Ffangg didn’t accept the challenge, she and her brothers would abandon him again, and Ffangg and I both knew it.

  “So you and your belly seek to best me in a deadly duel,” he said. “Two against one? So be it. Name your day, and I will meet you on the battlefield.” He paused. “I mean, in the Box.”

  “I will return in two days,” I declared. Then I turned to the kittens. “And when you resume your training with me, don’t expect me to treat you so kindly as before!”

  “Please do use these next days to prepare yourself, Wyss-Kuzz. If I am going to go to the trouble of fighting, I would rather it take more than five hectoseconds to rip you to blubbery shreds.”

  “You will eat your words!” I vowed.

  “Well, it certainly seems that you know a lot about eating.”

  His purr echoed in my ears as I left.

  Revenge! You will be mine.

  CHAPTER 49

>   Tonight was the night that the big-shot Hollywood producers were taking Cam’s family out to dinner—which also meant that it was the night for me to make things right again.

  I walked past Cameron’s house three times, attempting to look cool as I tried to figure out if anyone was home. But I was not cool—I was freaked out! I must’ve walked around the block another four times before I got up the nerve to look in the tiny side window of the garage.

  No car. The Addamses had to be gone.

  I tiptoed around to the back of the house to the sunporch door. As quietly as I could, I turned the handle. It was locked. So were the windows.

  What was I supposed to do now? I was about to give up and go back home when I saw the old dog door. It was small and super dirty—but it also led right into the sunporch. I got down on my hands and knees and poked my head through the greasy plastic flap. Next I wedged my shoulders through, which wasn’t easy. It must have taken another ten minutes for me to squirm the rest of the way inside.

  When I stood up, though, there was Dr. Drone, sitting in the same place as before, almost like it was waiting for me. I breathed a sigh of relief. This was going to be easier than I’d thought! No one would ever know how close I had come to humiliating my former best friend.

  I opened the hood of the robot where the recorder was and scrolled through the menu to find the hidden track. There were two options—ERASE and RECORD. I was just about to press the first one when Cameron walked in.

  I immediately froze. “What are you doing here?” I yelped.

  “What am I doing here?” he said. “I live here!”

  “But you were supposed to be out at that movie dinner thing!” I said.

  “My stupid parents made me stay home because it’s a school night. The real question is what are you doing in the Americaman room?”

  “I came here to—uh—leave you a card. To say sorry about the other day. You know, like, an apology?”

  Cameron’s eyes narrowed to slits.

  “Where’s the card, then?”

  “Um, that’s the funny thing,” I said. “I forgot it!”

  “You think I’m an idiot?” he said, his voice furious. “And blind? You’re trying to sabotage Dr. Drone!”

  “No, Cam, I’m not. I—”

  “You’re trying to get revenge, is that it?” he said. “Because you think I messed with your dumb water robot! Well, the joke’s on you, because I didn’t!”

  “I know! That’s why I’m trying to—”

  “But I wish I had!” Cameron said. “The look on your faces! You and your stupid friends—it was priceless. Where did you find those losers?”

  Cam burst into laughter, and I remembered all over again how he talked behind my back. I hate it when people talk behind someone else’s back.

  I pressed RECORD.

  “What are the names of those two?” Cameron said. “Pinecone and Stevia? They are totally pitiful! But everyone at this school is a loser. At least, compared to all the kids back in Brooklyn. I mean, how pathetic are those guys Max and Brody? They’re so boring, I can’t even tell them apart, except that one of them has those dumb glasses. And those two kids on my robotics team! Newt’s not so bad, except she’s so in love with me, it’s scary. And Scorpion—he’s the worst kid in this entire pathetic excuse for a city! That dude has got the brains of a lobotomized flea!”

  As Cam started laughing again, I touched STOP and closed the hood of Dr. Drone.

  “Well, you caught me,” I said, getting up to go. “I guess I’m going to just have to watch you win yet again with your awesome robot.”

  “Yes, you will!” Cam said. “And go out the way you came in—through the dog door.”

  As I wiggled my way through, any worries that maybe I’d done something I shouldn’t have went right out of my mind.

  CHAPTER 50

  My training regimen was far more intense than anything I had assigned the kitten commandos. I had established a strenuous obstacle course down in the bunker, which I raced through repeatedly, besting my time with each subsequent loop. The progression was as follows:

  Shred one ball of twine and two boxes in quick succession

  Standing leap to windowsill, midair reversal to soft landing on armchair (or Human, if available)

  Jump to target, turn, flip, claw-slash

  Defensive Crouch, side-skitter, vertical leap over laundry basket

  Wall-run, stair-climb, somersault, roll landing

  Evil hissssssssssssssssss! for ten seconds

  Repeat

  My diet was similarly extreme. I consumed only milk—my power drink—and raw eggs, which, while disgusting, were revitalizing. My coat shone and shimmered as never before! Except, of course, for my tail.

  But even that situation was improved, as the boy-Human had wrapped it in a kind of bandage that the ogres use to give support to injured limbs.

  I allowed him to do this so that the bald ugliness of my tail would cease to distract me. However, the wrap had an unexpected benefit: It had turned my tail into a mighty club! As rule 489 of Better Guerrilla Warfare Through Mind Games states: Turn your deficiency into a strength. With a swish this way or that, my tail could wreak mighty havoc! I went into the kitchen and broke drinking vessel after drinking vessel. It was brilliant!

  When the boy-ogre returned home from his school, he looked around in dismay. “What have you done, Klawde? You’ve destroyed the house! When Mom sees this, she’s going to freak!”

  Crouch. Swish. Attack!

  “Ow!” he said, pushing me off his face. “What’s wrong with you?”

  “I am taking your advice, which, as we all know, was my advice to begin with,” I declared. “I am preparing for vengeance. You will assist me by being my target!”

  “I don’t see why I should help you when you were the one who sabotaged the Aqua-Bot!”

  My ears flattened: Dim-witted though he was, he had uncovered the truth! “Nonsense,” I said. “I didn’t touch your weapon.”

  As the saying goes: An excellent lie is better than an inconvenient truth.

  “And, even if I did do it,” I said, “did you not tamper with this other ogre’s robot also?”

  “But you and I aren’t enemies!” he said. “We’re FRIENDS!”

  I scoffed. “How many times do I have to tell you, I don’t know what friends means!”

  The ogre sighed and began cleaning up the impressive damage I had done. “Why did you even do this?” he said.

  I explained to him how I had challenged Ffangg to the Bout of the Box. A fight to the death! He looked horrified.

  “Klawde, I don’t want you fighting that other space kitty.”

  I growled low in my throat. “Soon there will be no other space kitty.”

  CHAPTER 51

  The Wormy Apple Harvest Festival was Elba Middle School’s biggest celebration of the year. Every inch of the school grounds was covered with food carts, produce displays, carnival games, and wormy apple stands. A “wormy apple” was an apple on a stick dipped in brown caramel with a gummy worm sticking out of it. It looked seriously disgusting.

  Steve, of course, had eaten six of them, as well as three cones of cotton candy, and he was currently watching the Tuba Club get ready to play the school anthem while eating a giant bag of jelly beans.

  “I didn’t know we were here to celebrate the candy harvest,” Cedar said to him. “What kind of plant do jelly beans grow on?”

  “Jelly-beanstalks, duh,” Steve said.

  They might have been having fun, but I couldn’t enjoy myself one bit. I was way too nervous. I had never done anything this mean before.

  “Stop worrying so much,” Cedar said. “You did awesome.”

  I’d told them about going to Cameron’s house, and how I was having se
cond thoughts about what I’d done. I wasn’t worried about Cam getting into trouble—I might even enjoy that a little—but I was worried about me getting into trouble. And what about all the kids hearing the nasty things he’d said about them?

  Cedar shrugged. “I don’t really mind the name Pinecone,” she said.

  “Yeah, but Stevia’s a girl’s name,” Steve said.

  “It’s actually a plant,” Cedar said. “It’s used as a healthy alternative to sugar.”

  Steve’s mouth opened in horror. “But sugar is the best thing in the world.”

  While Cedar and Steve argued over health food versus junk food, I thought about who else I was worried about: Klawde. Could he really be having a fight to the death with this Ffangg? I assumed he was exaggerating, but no matter what kind of fight it was, he needed more time. He really didn’t look like he was in combat shape.

  Steve elbowed me in the ribs. “Here we go,” he said, rubbing his hands together. “This is gonna be so good!”

  Principal Brownepoint’s voice crackled over the loudspeaker. “Turn your eyes to the skies, ladies and gentlemen, and behold the pride of Elba Middle School’s robotics class!”

  Everyone around us looked up eagerly. First I heard the low buzzing of propellers, and then I saw it: the drone flying low over the booths. It turned and banked, dropping a packet of Band-Aids on the ground in front of the first-aid tent. Then the siren started wailing.

  Everyone gasped—it sounded so real—and they began to clap as red and white lights flashed on the drone.

  “Why is it still playing the siren?” Steve asked.

  I checked the time on my phone.

  11:59.

  I took a deep breath.

  “One more minute,” I said.

  CHAPTER 52

  I felt like a new cat as I journeyed to the citadel of my enemy. From branch to branch I leaped through the trees, my paws never touching ground. I called my enemy forth from a towering oak overhanging Ffangg’s yard.