Eat the Cookie...Buy the Shoes: Giving Yourself Permission to Lighten Up
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When I am out of town and call my son and daughter-in-law, I always ask if Travis has done anything new. My daughter-in-law sends me pictures of new things, like him in his swimming pool, on his swing, or standing at his play table. God used this example to help me understand that He celebrates our progress just like we celebrate the progress of our children and grandchildren. We celebrate our dog’s progress by giving her treats. We even have some that are in the shape of a cookie! If we can take time to make an effort to celebrate the dog going potty outside, then surely we can find time to celebrate our own progress. Celebration strengthens us. In fact, I believe that if we don’t celebrate occasions of progress, we are weakened and experience unnecessary defeat.
Our dog was staying with a friend while we were out of town, and she told me that even though she was taking Duchess out to go potty, she would come in, look at her, squat in front of her and tinkle on the floor. I was shocked and could not understand it until I asked if they were giving her treats after she did her job outside. They were not giving them to her, and she was letting them know that if they were not going to celebrate her progress and give her a treat, then she would make a real mess for them to deal with. Perhaps we are the same way—if we don’t get our treats we display bad behavior!
God isn’t keeping a record of each time we fall, but He is excited about our progress, and we should be excited, too! I spent way too many years mourning over my faults and weaknesses. I was taught to grieve over my sin, but nobody in the church world ever told me to celebrate my progress, and I think that is tragic. If you have missed this important lesson like I did, then today I am telling you to celebrate, celebrate, and then celebrate your progress some more.
God isn’t keeping a record of each time we fall, but He is excited about our progress, and we should be excited, too!
I am not where I want to be in terms of holy behavior, but thank God I am not where I used to be. I have made a lot of progress in the thirty-three years that I have had a serious relationship with God. God has changed me so much that truly I am a new creature just as His word promises in 2 Corinthians 5:17. My husband probably thinks he has been married to several women during his journey with me, because I certainly am not like the one he started with. Change and progress are beautiful. They are a sign that we are alive and God is working! We need to celebrate progress.
The Bible discusses rejoicing 170 times, and if we study the word we find it is an emotion that needs an outward expression. We may clap our hands like I did when I heard about my grandson’s progress, we might shout as Dave did when our last son was born and he had the privilege of being in the delivery room, or we might go get a pedicure because we are rejoicing over and celebrating the fact that we have not wasted a day in self-pity for three months. If you are really rejoicing, you might even eat a cookie while you get the pedicure!
The Bible says that the path of the righteous grows brighter and brighter every day (Prov. 4:18). If you can look back and say, “I’ve improved over the last year. My behavior is a little bit better. I’m a little more patient. I’m more giving. I’m a tiny bit less selfish. Then you can celebrate! If you feel you have made no progress at all then the devil is probably lying to you. He has a bad habit of reminding us daily of how far we still have to go. I have noticed that the devil is not very encouraging or complimentary and that listening to him is very counterproductive. If you are reading this book it means that you want to improve and the truth is that anyone who wants to improve will improve. Your path is growing brighter and clearer every day and celebrating our progress is one of the ways we say “Thank You” to God.
Last night I lost my temper over the remote control for the television. I had worked hard all day on this book and finally got all settled in to watch a movie. When I turned the television on I noticed that the remote control was flashing “low battery.” It had just enough battery power to turn the television on, but then it went dead and wouldn’t even so much as turn it off. The volume had come on really loud, and I couldn’t turn it down. I called for Dave and although he was almost in the shower, he heard the panic in my voice and decided to get dressed and to try to rescue me. We thought it would be an easy fix. We would simply put new batteries in the remote, but we only had three batteries and it required four. My creative side kicked in and I suggested that we take the batteries out of a remote for one of the other televisions in the house and use them in the remote for the one we wanted to watch that evening (it had a bigger screen).
We got all the batteries on the coffee table and of course neither one of us can see without our glasses on. We got our glasses, but for some reason we were not seeing well even with them. The light was dim in the room, but being a male and unwilling to admit that he could not see, Dave continued to put the batteries in, first one way and then another, without success. By this time, neither of the remote controls worked. The batteries were spread out on the coffee table, and we probably had the good ones mixed up with the bad ones. At this point in our journey I wanted to try to fix them myself. Dave wouldn’t give them to me, and I was getting angrier by the second. As we went to the sliding glass door so hopefully we could see better with outside light, from a leaned-over position we both raised up at the same time and Dave’s hard head hit mine. I sounded as if I had lost my salvation for a few seconds.
Of course as soon as I calmed down I felt bad that I’d lost my temper, but since I now know that I am not built for guilt I had to resolve the situation. I admitted my mistake, asked God to forgive me and tried to think of how I was going to celebrate this mess. I suddenly realized that although I could not celebrate losing my temper, I could celebrate the fact that I was forgiven!
Years ago I would have felt guilty for days before I finally crawled out of the pit of despair and would have been sure that God was terribly disappointed with me. Now I know that nothing I do surprises Him! He knew all about me before I was ever born and still wants a relationship with me. He feels the same way about you. I strongly imagine that Jesus had a good laugh last night as He watched Dave and me try to fix the remote controls. We are often like a modern version of Lucille Ball and Desi Arnaz from I Love Lucy. If God recorded anything from last night, I am sure it was the fact that I have grown to the point that I don’t waste time mourning over something that Jesus made provision for on the cross, which is our sins.
Find ways to celebrate your progress instead of mourning excessively over your mistakes. I am not suggesting that we don’t take our sins seriously because we should, but let’s also celebrate God’s mercy and forgiveness.
The morning after the television remote fiasco I had another interesting challenge. I needed a certain makeup brush that I knew I had used the previous day. I rummaged through my makeup and could not find it, so I got up and took everything out of the container one thing at a time and still could not find it. I knew for sure that I used it the day before. I searched the drawer, another box, the cabinet under the sink, and finally took a deep breath and used a different brush. As soon as I had finished applying all of my makeup and had my hair fixed, I found the brush. It was a black brush and the counter top on the sink is also black, so it had been right in front of me all the time but I did not see it.
The reason I bring this up is because although it was frustrating, I didn’t get upset about it as I had done the night before with the other situation. I believe if I had spent the evening condemning myself because I’d gotten angry, then I probably would have gotten angry again the next day. Condemnation weakens us and we keep repeating the same error over and over, but celebration strengthens us. You may remember that I had chosen to celebrate the fact that I was forgiven, and as I said I believe it helped me resist the temptation to get angry the next time I was confronted with something ridiculous that was just stealing my time. The devil doesn’t like a party or any kind of authentic joy or celebration, so perhaps if we learn to do it more, we will hear less from him.
Punishment or Reward
I have set some goals for myself at the gym for this year. I want to move up in the amount of weight I can bench press and I also want to be able to do lunges in such a manner that my knee touches the floor during the exercise. If you don’t know what either of these exercises are, let me just say that for a woman my age who did not begin exercising until two years ago, they both mean pain!
I reached my goal on the bench press within a month after setting it, but I have not been able yet to reach my goal with the lunges. Suppose I decide to punish myself for not reaching the one goal by denying myself the privilege of eating dessert for two weeks, but I do nothing to reward myself for the other goal I did reach. Experience teaches us that I would begin to connect the lunges with punishment and would more than likely begin to dread and despise the lunges. I might even lower my goal so I could remove the punishment.
On the other hand, if I continued to try to reach my goal concerning lunges, but rewarded myself in some way for reaching my goal with bench presses, I would try harder to reach my other goal because I would mentally connect goal-reaching with reward. I already know that I am going to reward myself and celebrate after I finish this book, and knowing that makes it easier for me to keep working.
As parents we are often tempted to punish our children for what they do wrong, yet we fail to notice and reward what they do right. I think we should make a big deal out of our children’s strong points and downplay their weaknesses. I remember getting in trouble a lot while I was growing up, but I honestly don’t remember much encouragement. I do remember my father telling me that I would never amount to anything. Nobody ever told me I could do anything I set my mind to, or that I had God-given abilities that I needed to develop. I left home at age eighteen with a determination to prove to the world and myself that I had value and ability, but I went about it the wrong way. I became a workaholic who had never learned how to value reward and enjoyment.
I recently saw a movie about a child whose mom was a severe perfectionist, and no matter what kind of work the child brought home from school the mom always found something that could have and should have been done better. She never mentioned what the child did well. Of course, the girl felt so discouraged that her grades began sliding downhill. However, she got a new teacher who was a very positive lady who knew how to motivate children. She immediately saw that the child needed encouragement and began to give it to her in generous proportions. Each thing the child did a good job with was complimented in writing on her papers. For example, instead of saying, “You spelled two words wrong,” she said, “Your handwriting is beautiful and your story is great. Your spelling can improve a little, but we will work on that together.” You guessed it—the child loved the teacher and began to improve dramatically because she responded better to reward than she did to punishment.
I find that rewarding myself even in small ways motivates me. It gives me something to look forward to while I am doing the job that needs to be done. As I write this book I set goals for myself each day of how much I want to finish, and as I reach that goal I stop and do something that I enjoy. I go to a little restaurant in town that I really enjoy and sit out on the patio and eat, or I make a latte for myself and take a break, or I go get a massage. I could name a dozen things, but I think you get the point. What I enjoy may be different than what you enjoy, but you need to reward yourself as you work toward reaching your goals. Yesterday I worked longer than usual and I already know in my heart that today I need to work a little less and do something I enjoy so I don’t get too weary of just writing and writing and writing. I refuse to be a driven person who is afraid to follow my heart.
Celebrate Change
As children of God we need to be committed to change. Throughout our journey here on earth God’s Spirit will be working with and in us, helping us change for the better. In order to make progress we need to see what we are doing wrong, and be willing to learn better ways to do it. God wants us to see truth (reality) so we can agree with Him that change is needed, but we don’t need to punish ourselves when we see our faults or to feel guilty and condemned. We can even learn to celebrate the changes that need to be made in us and our lives.
When Jesus ascended to Heaven He sent the Holy Spirit to help us make progress in holy behavior. The Holy Spirit works holiness in us, and He does it through convicting us of wrong behavior and convincing us to do things God’s way. He not only shows us what needs to change, He also gives us the strength to change. He is our Strengthener! John 16:7–13 gives us understanding of the ministry of the Holy Spirit in our lives. He is our Comforter, Counselor, Teacher, Helper, Advocate, Intercessor, Strengthener, and Standby. He lives in close fellowship with us. That means He is always present and His goal is to help us be what God wants us to be so we can enjoy what God wants us to enjoy. Every believer’s life should bring glory to God, and that requires an attitude that says, “Change me and make me what you want me to be.”
Change and growth is a process that will continue as long as we are on earth in our human bodies. Progress is vitally important, but perfection is impossible. We can have perfect hearts toward God and His plan for us, but our behavior will always be lacking perfection in one way or another.
Progress is vitally important, but perfection is impossible.
You, therefore, must be perfect [growing into complete maturity, having reached the proper height of virtue and integrity], as your heavenly Father is perfect.
Matthew 5:48
We can see from this Scripture that perfection means growing! I am of the opinion that as long as we are cooperating with the Holy Spirit to the best of our ability, and we sincerely want to change, God counts us as perfect in Christ while we make the journey.
Conviction is the tool the Holy Spirit uses to let us know we are doing something wrong. We sense inside of us that our actions, words, or attitudes are wrong. What should our attitude be toward this conviction? I think it needs to be a joyful attitude.
Those whom I [dearly and tenderly] love, I tell their faults and convict and convince and reprove and chasten [I discipline and instruct them]. So be enthusiastic and in earnest and burning with zeal and repent [changing your mind and attitude].
Revelation 3:19
God views conviction, correction, and discipline as something to be celebrated rather than something to make us sad or frustrated. Why should we celebrate when God shows us that something is wrong with us? Enthusiasm sounds like a strange response, but in reality the fact that we can see something that we were once blind to is good news. For many years of my life I was able to be rude, insensitive, and selfish and not even know it. I had a master’s degree in manipulation, but actually had myself convinced that I was only trying to help people do what was right. Of course I did not see the pride I had that caused me to think my way was always the right way. I was greedy, envious, and jealous but I did not see any of it. That is a sad condition to be in, but people who have no relationship with Jesus and who do not study God’s word are blind and deaf in the spiritual sense.
My heart was hard from years of being hurt by people, harboring bitterness, and doing things my own way. When our heart is hard we are not sensitive to the touch of God. When He convicts us we don’t feel it. Therefore, when we make enough progress in our relationship with God that we begin to sense when we are doing something wrong, that is good news. It is a sign of progress and should be celebrated joyfully. The longer we serve God and study His ways the more sensitive we become. We eventually grow to the place where we know immediately when we are saying or doing something that is not pleasing to God and we have the option of repenting and making a fresh start.
My response to c
onviction used to be immediately coming under condemnation. Condemnation presses us down and weakens us, it makes us feel guilty and miserable, but conviction is intended to lift us out of a fault. The Holy Spirit shows us our fault, and then helps us overcome it. When God’s conviction quickly turned into guilt for me I dreaded it and my attitude was, “Great! Another thing wrong with me that I have to try to fix.” I did not understand the process at all; so due to lack of knowledge on my part, the devil was able to take the things God meant for my good and turn them into torment. How do you respond when you are convicted by the Holy Spirit that you are doing something wrong? Do you feel bad and guilty, or do you realize that the very fact that you can feel God’s conviction is good news? It means that you are alive to God and growing spiritually.
I believe we should be thankful when God convicts us, and we truly should celebrate the fact that we have seen something that will help us change and be able to glorify God more. Each time you are convicted of sin, try lifting your hands in praise and saying, “Thank You, God, that You love me enough not to leave me alone in my sin. Thank You that I can feel Your displeasure when I sin. Thank You for changing me into what You want me to be.” This kind of attitude will open the way for you to make progress rather than being stuck in your sin due to being blind to it, or through condemnation from the devil.