Zero Apologies

by Autumn Jones Lake

  “But you haven’t even been president that long.”

  “It doesn’t matter.” He closes his eyes and releases my hands, kneeling in front of me. “I’m sorry. This is what you’re in for. For the rest of your life, if you’re with me. I wish it wasn’t the truth, but it is.”

  My heart’s absolutely breaking.

  I press my palms against his bristly cheeks. “Z, look at me.” His anguished eyes finally meet mine. “Do you think I’m stupid?”

  He frowns. “You’re one of the smartest people I know.”

  “I’ve known who you were, what you’re a part of since we met, remember?”

  The corners of his mouth twitch. “All I remember about that night is how badly I wanted to bury my face in your beautiful tits.”

  I slap his cheek lightly. “Focus, Z.”

  He drops his gaze to my breasts. “It’s hard when you’re naked.”

  “Goddammit. You’re impossible.”

  He grins at me, dimples and everything.

  “Vice president came with its own risks, right?”

  “Yeah, of course.” He hesitates and flicks his gaze toward the closed bedroom door. “We worked hard up in our territory to make alliances with certain…people.”

  I snort. “You think I don’t know that? I’ve seen LOKI Holdings on enough donor forms.”

  He raises his eyebrows. “Teller should’ve gone with something more generic for that one.”

  “There’s more than one?”

  Instead of answering my question, he shakes his head. “That’s Empire. That’s the state level. We’ve also got our fingers in local stuff. Charities, campaigns, a few things. So—”

  “When something happens, the good folks in charge look the other way.”

  “Something like that. We also keep certain…elements out of Empire, which makes local law enforcement’s job easier. Whether they want to admit it or not.”

  “So, doesn’t Sway do the same thing down here?”

  “Honestly, I don’t know. And it’s something I should’ve focused on first instead of getting distracted with Shadow’s bullshit.”

  “Things have been chaotic, Z.” I stare at him for a second before voicing my next thought. “And I gathered you weren’t exactly asked to take over down here.”

  “More of an order,” he agrees. “Shadow should’ve been keeping tabs on stuff like that but, obviously, he was useless.”

  “Okay, so it sounds like the first thing you should do is go talk to Sway and find out whose palm you need to grease.”

  “Fuck, you’re sexy.”

  “I’m serious.”

  “We’re working on a few things, but yes, that’s also something I need to do.”

  “What can I do to help?”

  He rubs his cheek against my open palm. “This. It means more than you know, Lilly.” He cocks his head toward the door. “Out there, I need to be their president. In here…”

  “You want to be yourself.”

  “I want to be honest.” His piercing blue eyes lock on my face, searching for understanding.

  “With me…in here, express everything you need to. Feel everything with me. Out there, be the president they need.” I clear my throat and trace his cheek with my finger. “I’ll be by your side for both.”

  “Thank you.”

  “I still know people…I wish I could…”

  “No.” His sharp tone leaves no room for arguments. “Get that thought out of your head.” His expression softens. “I’m sorry. I’d love the whole world to know you’re my woman, but we need to keep that on the down low as long as possible.”

  “Dammit. I’m so sorry. I never—”

  He scowls. “Never what? Should’ve told me? No, you should’ve told me when it happened, so I could’ve killed him sooner.”

  “Z, if something happens to you because of that…because of me…”

  “I’ll be more than happy to do my time for it, Lilly. Don’t ever feel guilty for confiding in me. I’m your man and I protect you. You didn’t ask me to do anything. I did it. And I’d do it again. He got exactly what he deserved.” He frowns. “Actually, it was too clean. He should’ve died harder.”

  My eyes sting from the raw emotion in his voice. How can I be so crazy in love with this utterly unapologetic, slightly sociopathic man who lives by his own slightly skewed moral code? Who has not a shred of remorse for killing another man just because he hurt me.

  He takes my hands in his. “The club took care of you?”

  “Oh, yes. Rock and Hope were here the whole time. Teller was here. Charlotte came when her trial was over. Wrath and Trinity came down a bunch, but couldn’t stay—”

  “Shit, they must be so short upstate. Once things are sorted, I need to go up and help Rock out.”

  “He never complained. He even took me grocery shopping.” I try to smile. “Well, first he wanted to know if I was staying or not.”

  Z’s mouth quirks. “I’m sure he did. I haven’t patched you or married you yet. Most clubs would tell you to fend for yourself.”

  That doesn’t surprise me. I nod slightly. “He said he’d help Chance and me even if I decided not to stay.”

  Z swallows hard but doesn’t seem overly surprised. “That’s because, club aside, he’s my best friend.”

  “I felt that love.”

  “Love my ass. Did he tell you his favorite nickname for me is fuckface?”

  My laughter rolls out of me. “No.”

  More seriously he adds. “You’re my girl. Chance is my son. That means something to us.”

  My thumb moves restlessly over the back of his hand. “How much did you tell him about…what happened to me?”

  He blows out a breath and stands, pacing to his dresser and pulling out a pair of boxer-briefs before answering.

  “Afraid I’ll junk-punch you?” I meant it as a joke, but it comes out kind of pathetic.

  “To do what I did, something that could blow back on the whole club,” he grimaces, “excuse the pun.” He pulls the shorts up and shakes out a clean pair of jeans. “I needed to have the okay from the club. Not the whole club. But at least the officers. Since I didn’t trust the guys here as much, I went upstate. So yes, Rock, Wrath, Teller, Murphy, they all know. Just enough to understand why it needed to be done.”

  I take a deep breath and struggle to swallow that down.

  Z’s back at my side. Not to apologize, but to hold me through the realization that half the people I’ve interacted with lately know the darkest, dirtiest stains on my soul.

  “And?” I finally ask.

  “And what? It wasn’t a question for any of them. He wasn’t the first, Lilly.” A completely psychotic grin lights up his face. “He was the most spectacular though.”

  I burst into laughter. “Oh my God. You’re insane.”

  He squeezes my thigh. “You’re in deep now, girl. Lost Kings kill to protect their queens.”

  “That should probably scare me.”

  “Does it?”

  I don’t even have to think about the answer. “Nope.”

  Chapter Seventeen

  Z

  Now that Lilly and I have reunited and come to an understanding about what the future holds for us, a weight’s been lifted off my chest. Explaining so much intimate club detail to her felt like jumping out of a plane with no parachute, Lilly stayed when she could have easily run. I trust her.

  Still, I didn’t get into every detail. The less information she has, the safer she’ll be. And her safety is the only thing that matters.

  “I asked them not to throw a party or anything until tomorrow or maybe next weekend.” We’re about to go downstairs, but I want her to know even though I’m leaving to head to the clubhouse, it’s not to fuck around.

  “But?”

  “I need to go to the clubhouse and sit down with everyone.”

  “I figured you might.” She glances at the closed door. “You can have everyone here. I mean the brothers. Lord k
nows we have the room. You can set up some sort of board room in the basement to hold meetings if you want.”

  Christ, she surprises me all the time.

  “I thought that was going to be Chance’s playroom?”

  She snorts. “I think that ship sailed when Teller set up the Indiana 500 in our living room.”

  The basement is a nice, large, finished, mostly windowless room. With a little soundproofing, it could be a good alternate meeting room for more sensitive club business.

  “I’ll think about it. Thank you.” I lean down and kiss her forehead.

  She places her hand on my chest. “Just the brothers and their old ladies. No club girls, please. I don’t want to be cleaning jizz out of the carpet.”

  I roar with laughter and throw my arm around her shoulders, steering her to the door. “Fair enough.”

  As we make our way downstairs, she tells me about her brother’s visit. I raise an eyebrow. “Sounds civil.”

  “Yeah, I was shocked.”

  Maybe it’s the outlaw in me, but I don’t trust that Alex is suddenly okay with my presence in Lilly’s life.

  Chance is just waking up when we check on him. That makes it a lot harder for me to leave him and go to the clubhouse. I want nothing more than a quiet night at home with my family.

  But it will have to wait. Somehow, this was easier when I was vice president. I didn’t have a choice when Rock called my ass to the table. I also didn’t have a family waiting at home for me.

  Now, I find myself wanting to put off the meeting. Because I can. Because I’m the president and whatever I say goes. And that’s a slippery slope I shouldn’t touch my wheels to.

  “Come on, buddy, let’s go find Uncle Rock.” I pick Chance up and he wraps his arms around my neck, “helping” me find the others.

  Everyone’s at the dining room table talking. Hope and Trinity stand and make excuses to go help Lilly. Really, I think they know I need a minute.

  Rock reaches up and pats Chance’s back. “How you doing, buddy?”

  “Otay,” he mumbles against my shirt.

  “Ready?” I lift my chin at Rock.

  Rock glances at Chance again. “Whenever you are.”

  Rooster claps me on the back. “Priest wants to chat with you.”

  “I’m surprised he hasn’t shown up.”

  Rock shakes his head. “He’ll want to stay far away from this.”

  I pin Jigsaw and Rooster with a give-it-to-me-straight look. “What’s the mood in the clubhouse?”

  Rooster seems to think on the question before answering. “From what I’ve observed, and everyone I’ve talked to, brothers are behind you one hundred percent.”

  That’s a relief. I’m painfully aware I’m still new to their club. It would be a huge sign of disrespect, but not a surprise, if they tried to vote me out while I was inside.

  “No votes were called?”

  “Fuck no,” Jigsaw laughs. “Everyone wanted an update. Asked if they could pitch in.”

  “Rock gave me daily updates,” Rooster says. “And I passed what information I could to the club.”

  Chance squirms and wriggles so I set him down.

  “I’ve got him, Z,” Lilly says softly, stepping into the room to grab Chance and then back out.

  Jigsaw waits until she’s gone to speak. “Suds said a cop stopped into the laundry mat asking questions but you know him, he ain’t talking to anyone.”

  “What kind of questions?”

  “Same pesky shit cops are always asking. ‘How’s the club without its leader?’ ‘Gonna replace him?’ ‘Who’s taking care of his baby mama while he’s inside?’ Stupid shit like that.”

  “Wait, they asked about Lilly?” I ask in a low voice not meant to leave this room.

  “Not by name. They were just being stupid. Suds told ‘em to fuck off.”

  I glance at Rock and he’s watching me intently. “What do you think?”

  “Cops have gone after old ladies for information before. It’s not a surprise they might be trying to figure out if you have one,” he says weighing every word.

  “All right.” I curl my hand around the back of one of the dining room chairs so hard it might snap. “Let’s consider this a code 1512. Old ladies are not to wear their patches unless they’re inside the clubhouse. Only use their road names in public. If anyone asks a brother about his old lady or shows unusual interest in our women, let me know right away.”

  Rooster stares at me as if I’ve lost my fucking mind.

  I glare right back. He should know better than anyone why I want to be careful about anyone asking questions about Lilly. “Something you want to say, VP?”

  “Nope. Code 1512, I’ll pass it around. How long?”

  “Until my case is dropped or they lock me in a cell.”

  He shakes his head. “Shit.”

  Rooster and Jigsaw go ahead to round up the brothers so everyone will be at the table when I get there. Rock, Wrath, Teller, and Murphy stay behind.

  Wrath stands and slides the glass doors between the dining room and the rest of the house closed. “Haven’t called a code 1512 in years.”

  I tip my head at Rock. “When he was inside, we took turns looking out for Hope, Trinity, and Heidi. Now…we’re spread out farther. I can’t keep asking you guys to come down here and look after—”

  “You didn’t ask.” Rock sits up and taps the table in front of me. “You don’t have to ask.”

  Wrath’s still standing in front of the door with his arms crossed over his chest. “Lilly’s not patched, though.”

  Like I need the reminder. He’s not saying it to be harsh, at least I don’t think so. “I can’t have it be too obvious that she’s what I’m worried about.”

  “Doesn’t matter,” Teller says. “Z’s made Lilly’s status clear at the clubhouse. More than once. Brothers shouldn’t be gossiping about our women with outsiders anyway.”

  “True.”

  “All right. Let’s go.” Wrath moves to open the door but I stop him with a hand on his arm.

  “Thank you for being here. You’re already short at Furious since I’ve had Murphy and I know you’ve probably been covering for Rock too.”

  “Don’t have to thank me, brother. We just need to get you out of this mess.”

  Murphy and Teller follow him out. Rock stops in front of me. “You ready to talk to Priest?”

  “Yeah, just gonna tell him what I know. About the charges,” I clarify and lower my voice. “He doesn’t need to know about the senator.”

  “No, he doesn’t. Not his concern.”

  “How’d it go dealing with Rooster, Jigsaw, and the rest of them?”

  “Kept in contact with Rooster the most. Jigsaw stopped by a few times.” He cocks his head. “What’re you looking for?”

  “After Shadow, I’m not sure I trust anyone.”

  “That’s a bad road to start down. I think Rooster’s more than proved himself to you.”

  “Yeah, I know. I can’t help feeling like I’m missing something.”

  “Shadow rattled you. But don’t forget, your instincts about him were right from day one.” He glances toward the door. “None of us got a good vibe from him.”

  “True.”

  “Listen, now that you’re out, we have a reason to celebrate. Why don’t we invite all the downstate brothers up to our place for a party? Mingle the two charters some more. Give everyone a chance to interact when things aren’t so tense.”

  “You sure you feel like hosting that?”

  “I’m not hosting shit.” He laughs. “I’ll ask Dex to take care of it.”

  “That poor bastard.”

  “He needs something to keep his mind occupied.” He seems to think about it more. “Maybe we’ll do just a closer family thing down at Teller’s place in the early afternoon, then move it up to the clubhouse? Make downstate feel more at home with us?”

  “You’ll need to clear that with Teller. I’m not asking to borrow his house
.”

  “Don’t worry about it.” He goes back to the serious, presidential vibe. “You need to get a handle on the situation with local law enforcement down here. Rooster didn’t know. Says Sway handled it.”

  “Shit, Rock. That’s the first thing I should’ve found out when I got down here.”

  He slaps his hand on my shoulder and squeezes, forcing me to meet his eyes. “You’re probably right. But it’s usually the VP’s job.”

  “I can’t blame everything on Shadow. You handle a lot of our LEO relationships at home.”

  “Yeah, because I have connections to certain people I’ve known a long time. That go beyond bribes and before the club.” He pokes me in the chest. “You handle a lot of other bullshit that I don’t. Who the fuck knows what Sway’s arrangement was with Shadow? As far as I know, he was tight with the sheriff down here, but that was years ago.”

  “Which is why, instead of fucking around with Stella’s production schedule, I should’ve figured out who’s friendly to us down here and paid a visit. Fuck, Rock. After Malone’s burned down and those cops showed up, it’s the first thing I should’ve done.”

  “You had a brother get shot that night. You’ve been dealing with Sway in the hospital. All the bullshit with Shadow and the problems he caused.”

  I growl out a noise that’s somewhere between pissed-off biker and whiny toddler.

  “And,” he continues, ignoring me, “you had some personal matters that needed to be taken care of. You’ve been busy. After church and your call to Priest, you’ll go talk to Sway and see what’s up.”

  “Yeah, all right.”

  “You’re too old to pout, Z.”

  I laugh, but it’s cut off when I remember all the shit Rock’s already done for me lately. “Thank you.” I tilt my head toward the living room. “For staying with them. I know how stretched thin you are upstate. This is a mess and I’m sorry it’s making things even harder on you.”

  Rock’s never been good with accepting compliments or gratitude. He shakes off my thanks with a shrug. “Got to spend more time with Hope and Grace than I would at home, honestly. So, I’m not complaining.” He glances at the door. “Lilly did well. I was worried she’d fight me on not going to visit you, but she understood right away.”