Mackenna on the Edge

by Djuna Shellam

  Her only consolation was that the Coast Guard had spotted The Katie Mac, anchored just off Avalon, and indicated everything was normal—the yacht seemed to be handling the storm just fine. As for Mackenna herself, they couldn’t say, and were unwilling to physically venture out at least until the next morning—perhaps—but they assured Eve they would check on her as soon as possible.

  Eve was so tired and needed to sleep so badly, but sleep just wouldn’t come. She wondered if Mackenna would decide to read Alice’s diary after all and what impact it would have on her—and on them. It was the right thing to do, Eve assured herself, and she strongly believed Alice would approve of her decision and even encourage Mackenna to read the book, though neither of them could be sure of the final outcome. And that was the rub, wasn’t it? Would Alice’s diary help Mackenna finally deal with losing Alice, or would it drive her farther down into a place from where she might not return?

  Eve debated and fretted until sleep at last began to overcome her, as swirling thoughts of Alice and Em, Mackenna, yachts, wind, movies, fancy cars and diaries clashed into vivid and strange, tumbling dreams. As she fell into a deep and fitful sleep from which she would not stir until well past noon the next day, Eve felt a strong sense that everything was going to be all right. It wasn’t over yet, but it was going to be just fine—it had to be.

  TWENTY-TWO

  Long Ago and Far Away

  3 July 76

  Dear Diary,

  Well, it’s been a real long time, again, since I wrote last, but that’s because my life has been too weird and busy to even try and write—I’ve really been going through some changes! But, I decided since it has gotten so weird lately, I’ve just got to write it down while it’s happening, because I swear, twenty years from now, I am not going to believe it even happened if I don’t. And I don’t want to forget anything. The problem is, where the hell do I begin?

  I guess one of the biggest changes happened just after the funeral when “Dot” called me into her office and gave me the job with Austerberry. God, I love the job, too. It’s almost like the Supply nightmare never happened. But the biggest change, the hardest was that I ended up breaking up with Em.

  That’s where I think things really changed the most and for the worst. I know I could have been a little more brilliant breaking up with her, but sometimes I guess I’m not known for my brilliancy. The truth is, I was a shit about the whole thing.

  Anyway, after “Dot” offered me the job and passed me that freaky note that said, and I quote, “Don’t say anything, the room may be bugged! The OSI is conducting an undercover investigation and there may be some interest in you and your friend. If you care about your future with the AF, suggest you take this job and find yourself a boyfriend fast! Do not repeat this to anyone, not even Sergeant Martín. We are all at risk. Trust me. Give me this note when you feel you understand its importance and then accept the job”. I totally freaked out, man.

  Now that’s one thing I’ll never forget, that note. It’s like it was etched in my memory or something and there’s not a day that’s gone by that I haven’t thought about it. Well, I realized right away I didn’t have a choice. Obviously I accepted the job, happily, but the other stuff about Em… I mean, I promised Em I’d never leave her again.

  Man, that really killed me. I said I’d never leave her again just the day before, and then “Dot” tells me I’ve got to get a boyfriend like now. I wasn’t really sure if dumping Em was a requirement to get the job, but I knew for sure we couldn’t take any chances. I didn’t know what to do! I wanted to tell Em so bad because I didn’t want to lose her and I really wanted her to help me figure out what to do. But, to tell the truth, D, I was afraid if I told her about the note she’d convince me it didn’t matter if we were thrown out. I guess I didn’t want to take that chance.

  ~ ~ ~

  Mackenna’s world began to churn around her, her present chasing her past, her past right behind in lock step. As she read the diary entries, Alice’s words seemed to jump from the pages to pull her back into the fibers of the paper and into a world long forgotten, long denied, long grieved. For seventeen years the pages were able to hold what Mackenna had not: Alice’s touch. The same fingertips that had touched these pages had caressed her bare skin. Never before or since had she been touched like that. Her first. Her first love. Mackenna buried her face into the paper and thought Alice’s scent lingered still. Her essence. If not there, then in her mind where memories locked away in the deepest recesses were breaking free with abandon.

  Yes, right there… oh, that’s right… softer… oh baby… oh baby…

  Outside the weather stormed, but it was no match for the turbulence of Mackenna’s emotions. As if the safety of a pressurized cabin had been breached, the violent release of suppressed memories all came flying out of her subconscious in a confusing, frantic flurry.

  I want you…

  As her eyes hungrily devoured each and every word, her spirit, in turn, was devoured by each and every page read.

  ~ ~ ~

  So like an idiot I went to the NCO Club and got tanked to the gills! I can’t remember when I’ve been so pie-eyed drunk and so hung-over the next day. Yuck. I still get kind of queasy when I think about it. That’s when I met Hank.

  Well, I met him a couple months ago at Mitchell’s, but he was hanging out with the asshole Hud so I kind of blew him off. Then he got arrested and I didn’t see him again until the night at the Club. He said it was a case of mistaken identity and that’s why he got nailed. The stupid SPs thought he was some guy who was AWOL. Beggar cops! Well, anyway, by the end of Happy Hour I was pretty lit and somehow I ended up in bed with him. I knew Em was sitting at home waiting for me to come home and ofcourse, I never called or showed up at our apartment until the next morning. Yeah, I’m a total bitch and an asshole.

  After that night, Hank’s been coming to my room coz his room grosses me out (it’s Whitey’s old room!). That in itself has caused Em to go through some major changes herself, and I’ve tried to talk to her about it, I really have, but we just end up fighting and I don’t think that’s really cool either, especially whenever we’re in public. The whole thing really makes me feel real sad and I’ll admit, pretty ashamed. Especially about that first night after my talk with “Dot”. But I didn’t really know what else to do. If I could do it all over again I swear I’d do everything different. Totally different! I know Em deserves a lot better treatment than that, but, now there’s not much I can do about it. It’s over and done. I guess.

  The saddest thing is, the next day she confronted me about it and I gave her some shit about how I’ve changed and how I don’t want her anymore. I mean, it’s mostly true about how I don’t think I could handle living a queer life and all, but I hoped we could stay friends. But it’s all over with us and now she won’t even talk to me anymore. Except when she’s drunk and then she won’t stay away from me. But that’s a whole other story. I guess I can’t blame her for hating me, but I didn’t have a choice.

  ~ ~ ~

  Feeling as if her heart was breaking again, Mackenna’s mind was flooding with so much that she never wanted to remember, ever again. It tore at her heart while her mind churned with vision upon vision, practically smothering her in the piling on.

  That feels so good, honey. Oh that’s good. Harder. Please… a little faster… faster… yeah, yeah that’s it. Oh… oh… don’t stop… please Emmy, don’t stop… yeah… oh god… oh god… touch me… yeah, yeah…

  A rapid-fire mental slideshow was flickering out of control, intoxicating her with a drug more powerful than any she had ever had before.

  I’ve never… before… I love you… I love you…

  It was if she had literally been thrown back in time for the vivid visions she was having. The yacht had disappeared and she was now in Texas, twenty-one, and Alice was as real as she was. She was overwhelmed by the sounds, the smells, the warmth of the air, and the feel of a younger whole body. Of being in love
. Being naïve. Hopeful. Happy. Alice’s body on hers, sharing passion… her lips, her hair, her scent, her everything. Bathing in the wonderfulness of the love of her life.

  Wrapping herself around Alice, literally and figuratively, and the ecstasy of knowing the future would be a “together” future and everything was possible because together, how could they fail? Nearly everything in Mackenna’s wildest dreams had come true and there was nothing in the euphoric Present to suggest the rest of her dreams would be so tragically denied her in the future.

  You’ve been in a serious accident…

  Now she was in a fog—a confined, wrapped up fog. She was waking up. Where? Where was she?

  You’re in a hospital.

  A deep throbbing pain radiated from far away, from her inner core. Who’s talking to her? What happened?

  Why can’t I move?

  Before that she didn’t remember… much… except for… a picnic, or a celebration, and driving…

  Baby I’m sorry, you’re going to be all right… I’m here now… we’ll be together forever… please forgive me…

  Alice’s face loomed in her mind’s eye, her voice soothing and Em was… where? Where was she? What was happening? She searched her memory, frantically trying to recall the scene. Was she in… a car? Was she… Oh no… She remembered. She was in the backseat of Hank’s car. She’d known that from the beginning because they told her, but she never actually remembered—or never wanted to—until now. She was terribly drunk then, blacked out, so the memory wasn’t accessible, but there it was, glimpses here and there.

  Alice’s last words to her…

  We’ll be together forever…please forgive me…

  Alice’s first words she ever spoke to Mackenna…

  Hi. My name’s Alice. Alice Hollywell. My friends call me Hollywood ’cause that’s where I’m from. Sorry I was such a bitch at lunch—kinda havin’ a bad day…

  Mackenna’s favorite words Alice ever said to her…

  I’ll always love you, baby…

  The worst words Alice ever spoke…

  But I’ve changed.

  ~ ~ ~

  I don’t even recognize her anymore since she started drinking so much—and I know it’s totally my fault. It’s ALL my fault but I don’t know what to do about it. At first, when we’d come back to my room every other night or so, Em would just leave and not come home until after one or so. I could tell about what time she got home because she was so fucking drunk and noisy, stumbling and knocking into furniture and shit. I figure she’s been going to the Club since she’s always so fucked up when she gets home.

  One of the first times it happened I got up and tried to talk to her, but man oh man, she was completely blotto and only wanted to hug me and kiss me and she was crying and asking me why I left her after I promised and all. God, it was just awful. I just wanted to hold her and love her and tell her we could go back to how things used to be, but I couldn’t. How could I? Hank was asleep in my room so all I could do was help her to bed. I felt sick to my stomach.

  Now, she doesn’t even come home after work and goes right to the NCO Club, I guess. And sometimes she doesn’t even come home, but I think she’s probably sleeping in her office, because it’s totally not like her to go home with anyone. At least I hope so. God. In the two years plus I’ve known her I’ve never seen her so out of control. And when I try to explain that I still love her, that I still need her friendship but I’ve changed, she starts crying and yelling and clinging to me and tells me she hasn’t changed and she loves me. If she can’t have me she just wants to die. I honestly feel like dying myself when she does that.

  And she looks like shit. I think she’s lost weight and her eyes are all puffy and shit. I don’t know. Even Eve thinks I’m fucking up, but she’s not in my shoes and—oh, Christ, I can’t even get into that. I haven’t even told her about Hank. I can’t. She’d really hate me this time. I can’t stand the thought of Eve disapproving of me, especially over this. Jesus, how could everything change so drastically in such a short time? I swear, Supply looks pretty good to me sometimes.

  ~ ~ ~

  Mackenna remembered a bar, and drinking alone. No, no… there were others there. Glimpses. Loud music. Rock ’n Roll. Men. Touching. Touching her. Laughing. Too much booze. No… I can’t go to your room… Wait… Where’s Alice? Give me another drink. Please… Okay, okay… Yeah, yeah… let’s go… Cigarette breath and beer. Beard stubble. Nothing’s wrong… Feeling nothing. No. I can’t… Emptiness. Where’s Alice? Waking up alone, crying. Where am I? Tears. Angry tears. Screaming. Screaming at Alice. How could you do this? What about us? Begging her. Give me another double… Dying inside, a little more each day. But you said you loved me! Missing her. Wanting her. Needing her. What’s wrong with me!? Wanting to die. Afraid to die. I’ll have another… Waking up in the hospital. Hank’s dead. Guilt. She’s going to be fine… she’s out of the woods now…

  ~ ~ ~

  I don’t even know why I’m doing all of this, especially seeing how it’s affecting Em.

  Hank’s okay, I guess, but he’s not Em. Not even close. He’s handsome, he’s got a great body and he’s really nice and even kind of funny sometimes. Even sex with him is pretty hot sometimes. For a little while. I can’t get off with him, though. It’s not the same. Not unless I think about being with Em, but it’s too sad so I don’t anymore. God I miss her! Not the sex, but her.

  I don’t know, though, the best thing about being with Hank is that it’s so easy not having to hide being affectionate and all that stuff in public. I wish I could just be with them both. That would solve everything, wouldn’t it? It’s not fair. But I guess it’s the way the world is right now and I hate it. But the thing is, even if I chose Em over the military and everything and everyone else, well, I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t last because it never does. Doesn’t seem to, anyway. No matter who I’m with, a guy or a chick, I always seem to want the other one. Eve thinks I’m a jerk and has said as much plenty of times, but I can’t help it. She calls them my incredible transformations. I can’t help how I feel. I wish I could be as devoted to women like she is, or even just one person. I really do! I mean, I really love being with women, especially Em, but it’s so hard to think about living that kind of life forever. I’d probably go insane always hiding everything and all that crap. I don’t even want to think about bringing her home to Mom. Eve’s not even that brave.

  ~ ~ ~

  As if Alice’s words had just been spoken she felt the sting and humiliation, the betrayal of Alice denying their love and leaving Mackenna for Hank. For a man. After what they had shared and promised each other.

  I want to taste every inch of you, Emmy. I want to devour you. I want to be a part of you. I want you like I’ve never wanted anything in my life—every second of every day. I want you in my arms just like this when we’re a hundred years old. I never want to let you go. I was meant to love you, Em. I was meant to love you forever… I’ll always love you…

  The depth of their love and intimacy was unmatched in Mackenna’s life before or since Alice. Once Alice left, nothing made sense and nothing Alice said could console her; except for one thing. That she did love her. Still. Still.

  ~ ~ ~

  Well, on a lighter note, I’m looking forward to the Fourth of July picnic at Nastywater. It’ll be the first real party since New Year’s Eve. True, there was Whitey’s welcome home thing in May, but I’m still trying to forget that hairy little event. Oh, shit, now that I think about it, GROSS! I’m praying Hud’ll keep himself busy with his new cop friends. What a jerk! I should feel sorry for his new little friends, but since they’re just cops, fuck ’em!

  Anyway, the bottom line is that I could use a big bitchin’ party right about now since I’m kind of depressed about this whole thing with Em. I just really love her.

  Well, since this is the last page, it looks as if I’ve just finished another book, Diary old pal. Which means, of course, it’s time to ship your tired
butt to Eve for safe keeping. Someday, when I’m old and gray, I’m going to sit down and read all you guys and “remember when”. Maybe the world will have changed for the better by then and I can look back on this nightmare as a “learning experience”. And hopefully I’ll feel a lot better about myself than I do now. And maybe Em will have forgiven me by then, too.

  ~ ~ ~

  Why? Why didn’t she know how Alice felt? Really felt? If she had known would it have hurt so badly? Would she have dived so far into alcohol in an attempt to deaden the horrible pain she felt and make it easier for her to accept what she never could sober? So much would be different now… It would all be different now.