Advice from a Sunflower

by Jen Stevens

  “I love you, Eli,” she mumbles into my chest.

  I don’t have the heart to lie to her, so I stay quiet. We stand like that for a few minutes while she pulls herself together. When she’s ready to face the world again, she pulls away and offers me one last nod before she walks away. I can tell this is the last time she’ll put herself in that position with me.

  I’m just loading the groceries into the fridge when the loud pounding starts on my front door. With a quick check into Ma’s room to make sure she’s not spooked, I run to the door and open it to find Marnie and Mouse standing there, looking more pissed than ever before.

  Marnie accuses me of hurting Mouse and big surprise, Mouse has decided to book it out of here over the first minor inconvenience. After she’s finished berating us, Marnie takes her turn with me.

  “We’re going to lose her for good. The second she steps onto that plane; she won’t be back in The Hollow ever again.”

  I roll my eyes at her dramatics, too tired to deal with another meltdown. “We thought that before and she came back. It’s no surprise to me that she wants to leave before getting the real story from anyone. She was looking for an excuse, and she found it.”

  “I don’t give a fuck about your male ego or whatever grudge you’re holding against her over a misunderstanding from nearly a decade ago. If you don’t make things right before she leaves, I’ll be done putting up with you. I won’t lose my sister again over my friendship with the guy who broke her heart.”

  I want to argue with her but come up short. There’s not much for me to say back to that and she’s already making her way across the yard. I knew the second Mouse stepped foot back in The Hollow, my life would go to hell.

  Before I can put too much thought into it, I grab my phone and open a message to Marnie. There’s no guarantee that I can make a difference. Once Mouse makes her mind up about something, she’s too stubborn to change it. That’s how we got here in the first place. But it isn’t worth losing my friendship with Marnie.

  That’s what I tell myself as I type out the text asking what time her flight is. Deep down, I know I’m ignoring one important truth: that in the event that Marnie’s right and Mouse really is leaving for good, I’m not going to be the sorry asshole who waits around for her to come back again. This time, I’m going to do everything I can to stop it.

  Chapter 27

  Lyla

  It doesn’t take me long to get all my belongings gathered together and packed away. Each item I stuff into my suitcases has me counting the parallels between now and the last time I left The Hollow. I hate that there’s so many. I’ve spent years reinventing myself and trying to erase my first eighteen years only to find that it was all in vain. Turns out, no matter how successful I am or how many therapists I hire to work out my quirks, I’ll never be able to fully eradicate The Hollow from my blood.

  That might be easier to accept if The Hollow didn’t constantly reject me.

  I haven’t had the heart to break the news to the girls just yet. Marnie has stayed out of my way with them downstairs, which only makes me even more disappointed with her. Why isn’t she trying to change my mind? It’s like she doesn’t even care if I stay or go—another reminder of how useless this trip has been.

  There’s a small knock on my door just as I finish tucking the last of my toiletries into my overstuffed suitcase. They don’t wait for me to answer before pushing it open. Gabby and Ally jump onto the bed and take in the neatly stacked luggage with frowns on their faces.

  “Are we still getting ice cream?” Gabby asks.

  As much as it hurts to let them down, I shake my head and look at the clock sitting on Marnie’s nightstand. There’s not enough time.

  Instead of disappointing them completely, I promise, “Next time you visit me, we’ll get ice cream every day.”

  Who knows if Marnie will bother visiting me after this?

  Who knows when I’ll be ready to forgive her for all the lies and deception?

  The girls solemnly nod as Ally offers me a pink piece of construction paper. “We drew us all together so you don’t forget about us.”

  It’s everything I can do not to break down while I take in the childish drawing of the girls, Marnie, Denise, and me standing beside each other and holding hands. Luckily, Marnie slips into the room and distracts them enough for me to stuff the paper into my bag and wipe my eyes.

  “Are you sure you don’t need a ride to the airport?”

  “No, I have to turn in my rental.” I zip up my last bag and tug it off the bed. “I should actually get going. I don’t want to miss my flight.”

  The girls jump off the bed and capture my legs in a tight hug. Marnie offers a sad smile but nothing more. Either she knows she can’t convince me to stay, or she really doesn’t care that I’m going.

  Once the rental is loaded up and I’ve taken about a hundred more hugs from Gabby and Ally, I pull away from the curb and bid farewell to the house that made me—this time, for good.

  I tried to make things right. I tried to get Marnie and the girls out of here, to save them from the same pattern every person in The Hollow has fallen into. None of it worked. Maybe they're supposed to create their own path out. I'm not sure.

  I just wanted to make it a little easier of a task than it was for me.

  ***

  It’s my turn at the security line and I’ve already prepared my bags to be placed on the belt to avoid fumbling around with the impatient officer who I’ve watched take his anger out on the few people ahead of me. Just as I set my shoes onto the conveyor, I hear my dreaded nickname called from behind. I assume I've imagined it and quickly shake myself from my daze.

  “You’re free to go through, Miss,” the officer calls out, irritated at my hesitance. I step into the metal detector right when I hear the name called again and finally turn to see who the voice belongs to.

  Eli is standing just behind the partition, his usual mask of indifference completely wiped away. He almost looks foreign to me with the look of uncertainty that’s taken over his features. The officer wastes no time shoving my belongings from the belt into my arms to keep the short line moving, quickly ushering me away from his station.

  “What are you doing here?” I call out, stepping out of the way to slide my shoes back on so I can make my way closer to him.

  “Come on, Mouse. Isn’t this the kind of sappy thing you write about?” Eli teases.

  I’ve made my way over to where he’s standing and the only thing between us is the canvas wall they’ve built to separate those who have been security checked from those who haven’t.

  “Don’t go,” he gently murmurs. He says it so quietly, I almost think I’ve imagined it. But the pained look on his face tells me it was real, though I can’t connect the dots in my brain to understand why. He was the one who kept telling me to leave.

  “You wanted to destroy me, Eli. You succeeded. There’s no reason for me to go back.”

  “I never wanted to destroy you. I just don’t know how to do this without falling for you all over again. I wasn’t sure if I could take another rejection.” He runs his hands through his mussed-up hair, chuckling nervously. “Turns out, I can’t.”

  “I’ve never rejected you.”

  “Just don’t get on that plane. Let me explain everything before you write us all off for good,” he begs, every trace of the volatile man I've been dealing with for the past few weeks wiped away from his demeanor. This man before me more closely resembles the boy I fell in love with, which is what has me nodding my head and turning to ask a security officer how to get back to the other side.

  After some resistance, I’m escorted around the partition and promised that I won’t make my flight. Eli is waiting in one of the chairs set up off to the side. His head is bowed down between his legs as his elbows rest on his knees. It’s such a vulnerable position to see him in; a huge contrast to the image he’s been maintaining with me. Almost as if he senses me staring, he lifts his he
ad to meet me with a smug smirk.

  “Explain.”

  He nods and clasps his hands together, quietly deciding where to begin. “Marnie sent me here. She thinks that if you would have gotten on that flight, you wouldn’t find your way back here ever again. Honestly, I think that, too.”

  He pauses, watching me for any debate. My face remains neutral, giving nothing away. They’re right.

  “I fucked this up from the beginning, Mouse. I’ve wanted you since we were eight years old and you re-read Jane Eyre while Marnie tried to flirt with me. Somehow, everything got in the way of us, and I lost you before I’d ever even gotten a chance to fully have you. Then Emma—God she was terrible to you. I’m so grateful she gave me Sadie, but I would have done things differently if I knew….” He drifts off for a moment, shaking whatever thoughts he isn’t speaking out loud before continuing. “I shouldn’t have treated you like shit when you came back.”

  “You’re right.” I say with false indignance. I’m waiting for him to finally speak the words I hope are coming. To say what I’ve wanted him to say since we were preteens. I won’t assume ever again.

  I can’t do this one-sided anymore.

  He springs up from his chair and looms over me for a second, dark eyes staring deep into my soul. “I love you, Mouse… I mean, Lyla,” his hand is running through his hair again as he begins pacing back and forth. “I love you so fucking much, and I’m pissed that I’ve wasted a lifetime waiting to tell you that. I planned to come here and spew some bullshit about not leaving because your family needs you, but that’s not really why I came. I came because I need you. I want you. And I’m sick of doing this shit without you.”

  How long have I yearned for those words? Dreamed of him standing before me and declaring his love the way he’s just done? None of my imaginary scenarios prepared me for the rush of emotions that would wash through me at his admission. The sense of relief that would flow through my veins and pump into my heart like some sort of drug. It’s completely overwhelming, rendering me speechless, which I’m terrified he’ll take as a rejection instead of seeing it for what it is.

  “Admit it, every man you’ve ever been with has been compared to me—how I feel on your skin, how I taste in your mouth… all of it. And every single one has come up short. I know, because I’ve done the same shit with you.”

  His pacing stops so he’s toe-to-toe with me, staring down into my eyes that have been religiously following him through his rant.

  “You’re mine. You can fight it as long as you want, but I’ll always be here, waiting for you to come to your senses so we can get back to Eli and Mouse.”

  There’s a split second of hesitance as his lips linger in front of mine, waiting for the rejection he knows he’ll never receive. Once he’s sure I’m not going to run away, one hand snakes behind my head to cradle my neck while the other swings across my back, tugging me flush against his torso as he kisses me with every ounce of desperation he’s held back for the past twenty years.

  He’s not punishing or mocking me this time. He’s begging me to give him a chance. To give us a chance. I return the kiss the only way I know how. With zero uncertainty, intent on letting him know that nothing he’s just admitted is one-sided. That he’ll never know the isolating feeling of loving someone who refuses to love you back. I’m all in with him and done wasting time on petty, meaningless vendettas.

  I’m not sure how long we devour each other before he slowly pulls away and stares back down into my eyes.

  “I love you, Eli. But you’ve known that for a long time.”

  ***

  It's late when we arrive back at Marnie's. All I want to do is fall into bed with Eli and show him exactly what he's missed, but the unfinished business between Marnie and me is nagging away at my heart. I can't fully commit to being back without removing the wedge that's between me and my sister.

  The house looks dark and tired. I almost turn back to head toward Eli's house where he's agreed to wait for me, putting off the confrontation until the morning, when I notice the dull lamp in the living room is still on. She's still awake. There's no reason to back out. The coward in me tries to convince me to leave, but I've learned to ignore her throughout the years.

  It takes me a few deep breaths and false starts before I get the courage to walk onto the porch and knock on the front door. Marnie answers right away, shock written all over her face.

  "What happened?" she asks in a low voice. My eyes swing up the stairs to the girls' open bedroom door. A muted night light glows against their walls.

  "We need to talk."

  She opens the door far enough for me to walk through with the false confidence I've used every time I have a meeting or signing for one of my books. Tonight, I won't let Marnie get away with walking all over me. We need to address her part in all of this.

  "Where are your bags? I can stay with the girls if you need me to."

  "I'm not sleeping here tonight. This conversation just couldn't wait."

  We take a seat opposite of each other and Marnie nods slowly. She's growing suspicious of me. "What's going on?"

  I'm annoyed that she's pretending she's had no part in Eli ambushing me at the airport. As if my being back here isn't exactly what she wanted. How many times has she succeeded at deceiving me with her meddling mind games? The anger that comes with that realization is what melts away all my hesitation to finally confront her.

  "I know you sent Eli."

  She stares down at her wringing hands, not even bothering to cover up her shame. "I had to do something. I couldn't sit back and let you leave without doing something to stop it."

  "All you had to do was talk to me. I would have listened."

  "Yeah, right," she chuckles sardonically, rolling her eyes. "It's never been that easy with you."

  "Is that really what you think? That you have to lie and manipulate me?"

  "It's not manipulative. You just don't listen to me and I needed you to see what you were walking away from. You've never been able to see what was right in front of you." She's raised her voice now, no longer worried about waking the girls.

  "What does that mean?" My voice stays even. I'm not ready for this to turn into a heated argument. Marnie's been known to walk out on conversations that make her feel attacked and I want answers.

  "Ly, you have an entire town full of people here that only want to see you succeed. You have a guy who has spent years choking down his feelings for you because he's afraid to tie you down. You have two nieces who worship you and a mother who's been going to counseling for a year to work through her issues to learn how to mend her relationship with you. But you seem to only focus on the negative because it's easier to run away from."

  I'm having a hard time believing any part of what she's saying, but that only proves her point. How would I have missed all this when I've spent over a month back here and nothing seems to be different than it was before I left. "What about you? How do you feel?"

  She's taken back by my question. That's not what she wants me to get out of what she's saying, but I can't help but wonder if there's some reason she's left herself out. Is she the one person who doesn't want to see me back here? Is that why she's gone so far out of her way to keep me separated from everyone else for this long? Surely, if any of what she's saying is true, she'd have mentioned it in one of our calls.

  "You didn't tell me about Denise's counseling, and it took you years to mention Tim. You never told me that Tina has my books proudly displayed on the walls of the diner. And what about Sadie? Don't you think I should have been warned that Eli had a daughter who passed away? You're acting like all these secrets you've been keeping have been for my benefit, but it feels like stuff I should have known. Stuff that would’ve changed how I felt about The Hollow. So, I think the biggest question that needs to be asked is this, Marnie: how do you feel about me?"

  I'm looking at my sister for the first time in years and seeing the insecure teenager who snuck through our wind
ow in the middle of the night just to prove she could. Who took physical beatings from our mother simply because she was too pretty or too popular. The girl who promised me I had no idea who she really was and what she was capable of when she was caught alone with a boy.

  All this time, I've envied Marnie for her confidence and swagger, wishing I could be more like her. But she's right, I was blind to what was right in front of me.

  Marnie didn't even want to be like Marnie.

  "I love you so much. You're the strongest, most courageous person I've ever met, and I wish I could be more like you. We were each given the same circumstances to work from and you took them and got exactly what you wanted. Everyone has always been so amazed by you while I've had to work my ass off to prove I'm worth more than being another small-town teen statistic. I can't even pay my own bills without your help."

  She looks back down at her hands and shamefully admits, "Sometimes it's hard living in the shadow of your achievements."

  Isn't it amazing how your mind can trick you into believing something for so long, regardless of the truth behind it? We can base our entire lives—our entire personalities and beings—around one single misconception.

  How could we have allowed this rivalry to live for so long? How much time has been wasted between Marnie and me over jealousy and competition? I can’t even remember the first time I envied her. It’s like we were born with this need to compare and attempt to tailor ourselves to be more like each other.

  “I’ve felt the same way about you,” I confess, finally feeling the invisible wall that’s stubbornly sat between us begin to fall away.

  Marnie scoffs dismissively. “That’s insane. There’s nothing to be jealous of.”

  “You have plenty for me to envy. I’ve always wished I was just a little prettier, or more outgoing, or unapologetic like you are. And for the record, you could definitely survive without me, Mar. I don’t help you out so that you can stay under my thumb. I help you because I want to. Because it’s the least I can do after all the encouragement you’ve offered me to do what I love. I wouldn’t be where I am without you.”