Dear Diary...

by L. M. Reed

  Chapter 22

  Dear Diary,

  Felicia is all I have left.

  CeeCee

  With the State meet behind me, I decided to concentrate on Felicia’s birthday present. Although I couldn’t top what she had done for me, I had an idea. I knew it would take some time, but with my sprained ankle preventing me from running, I had nothing but time.

  For the first couple of days, I stayed up in my room, not wanting to navigate the stairs. I had been sound asleep when Nick and I arrived home the day of the meet, but Mom explained that Nick had carried me up the stairs and laid me on my bed. His poor back.

  After that, I slept solidly until ten o’clock, totally missing church.

  Mom let me out of going to school on Monday, and I spent the whole time up in my room, working on Felicia’s birthday present. Felicia loved the Agent Jack Knight movies but, so far, only three of the eight books had been made into movies.

  She was dying to find out what was going to happen in the other ones, but hated reading so much she absolutely refused to try one. My idea was to use my laptop—which had a built-in microphone and had come with a pretty cool software program—to record myself reading the fourth book on a blank CD for her to listen to whenever she had the chance.

  Even though it was nothing like what she had done for my birthday, I couldn’t think of anything else to do.

  Felicia begged the question, “What do you get for the girl who literally has everything?”

  I hoped she liked it.

  By the time I got back to school, I could hobble around fairly well, but the only thing Coach Miller would let me do was lift weights. She wasn’t going to allow me to begin running again until she was sure I wouldn’t permanently injure my ankle. She was definitely thinking ahead to track season. After a few days, she insisted on taping my ankle every morning before school, she was the proverbial old mother hen, but I had to admit it helped.

  Nick and I continued to talk in the evenings.

  So far he hadn’t seen Mark much—we both suspected he was avoiding Nick—and neither Mom nor I heard anything from him, but after explaining the situation to Mom, suitably edited of course, we all tacitly agreed to avoid the subject altogether.

  I was thankful that Nick and Mom believed my side of the story without question.

  Felicia’s birthday fell on the Wednesday before Thanksgiving and her parents threw her a gigantic party. She invited tons of kids from school and church so Mom spent a couple of evenings that week helping Mrs. Blanton plan and fix enough food to feed a small army.

  The party was a huge success. There was almost every type of food and drink imaginable, loud music, dancing, and later in the evening everyone was treated to a special showing of one of Felicia’s all time favorite movies, Princess Bride, in the media room. People turned green with envy at the coolness of Felicia’s media room and there was much oohing and aahing. It was after midnight by the time the last person left.

  I gave Felicia her gift, and she said she would listen to it right away. I had decided to do the other books for her if she enjoyed listening to it, but I refrained from telling her realizing that it might take me quite a while, not wanting to build up her expectations.

  Thanksgiving Day was very quiet. Mom didn’t have the heart to fix a turkey dinner with all of the trimmings and we were beat from the party the night before, so we ate leftovers that Mrs. Blanton insisted we take home. She appreciated all of Mom’s help and the Howell’s would never have been able to eat all the leftovers themselves. We invited Mrs. Murray over to eat, and she and Mom spent the rest of the day crocheting…another thing I’d tried and failed.

  Holidays were the worst. It was bad enough that Dad was gone, but we’d lost Mark, too. I was glad when the long holiday weekend ended and school began again.

  Coach Miller promised that I would be able to start back on a running program as long as I continued to let her tape up my ankle every morning. I had to build back up slowly so I decided to let the morning run go, since I didn’t want to sleep with my ankle taped, and only run in the evenings. I was getting lazy sleeping so late every day, but it was kind of nice.

  We only had a few weeks until Christmas vacation and I was dreading all of that empty time with nothing to do. I had cut out quite a few activities in order to concentrate on the cross-country meets, so I figured it was a good time to start adding them back into my schedule, if for no other reason than to take my mind off my depression. I rejoined the huddle group, and began eating lunch with the gang in the cafeteria again. It was a start.

  On a positive note, for some reason I no longer had to deal with unwanted invitations from the opposite sex, which was a very good thing. Heading to my house after school the week before Christmas, I mentioned that to Felicia and she laughed and said no one wanted to compete with my “boyfriend.”

  I was confused, to say the least, I thought everyone realized Michael and I weren’t a ‘thing’. We spent some time together at school, but that was it.

  “Nick,” Felicia supplied with exaggerated patience.

  “Nick?” I repeated stupidly. “What does Nick have to do with it?”

  “Duh, he was your date to the Homecoming Dance,” Felicia knocked on her head a couple of times. “Hello…anyone home?” She asked facetiously.

  “I know,” I said, “But he was just subbing for…” I stopped, waiting for the pain that always accompanied thinking about Mark to subside.

  With instant understanding, Felicia continued, hoping to distract me, “Well, the way you were wrapped in each other’s arms, I don’t think anyone is going to believe that’s all it was,” Felicia observed, “Especially since he wouldn’t let any other guy within ten feet of you.”

  “He knew I didn’t want to dance with anyone else so he was just being gallant.”

  “If you say so,” Felicia said doubtfully, “but if you ask me, he was paying an awful lot of attention to you for someone who was just being ‘gallant’.”

  “We’re friends,” I said simply.

  “Looked like more than ‘friends’ to me.”

  “I’m seven years younger than he is,” I shrugged helplessly. “He thinks of me more as a little sister, probably because he only has brothers. It’s a new experience for him.”

  “And you’re okay with that,” it was more of a statement than a question.

  “I have to be,” I whispered emotion choking me for a moment.

  Realizing that was all I could handle, Felicia changed the subject.

  As we reached my house, Felicia pointed and said, “Speak of the devil…that’s Nick’s pickup,” adding curiously, “I wonder what he’s doing here in the middle of the week.”

  “I don’t know,” I replied uneasily, “He didn’t say anything about coming last night when we talked; although I know he’s through for the semester.”

  “Well, I have to get back to the house before John shows up, we’re studying for tomorrow’s finals together,” Felicia said knowing what I was about to ask and forestalling me.

  “Traitor,” I mumbled under my breath.

  Felicia laughed and said, “Sorry, but you’ll have to handle Nick on your own. Besides,” she continued, “you said he treats you like a kid sister and you’re getting along fine now so you should have no problem dealing with him.”

  “On the phone,” I admitted, “and I’m glad; it has made it easier, but I still feel very uncomfortable around him sometimes. I can’t forget that I…” I couldn’t finish, but Felicia, assuming I was still talking about having a crush on him, thought she knew what I was talking about. I didn’t disillusion her.

  “He’s never mentioned anything about it,” Felicia noted thoughtfully “so he either doesn’t know how you feel or he understands and doesn’t care. I think you should just forget it.”

  “Easier said than done,” I muttered as I got out of the car. “Thanks for the ride. I’ll see you tom
orrow. Last day of finals…Yay us!”

  Felicia laughed and waved as she backed out of the driveway and took off. I was nervous as I made my way to the porch. Standing there for a few seconds, I took some deep breaths and opened the door. The living room was deserted, and as I headed toward the stairs in order to unload my stuff in my room, the sound of Nick’s voice coming from the kitchen froze me to the spot.

  “It’s just a Christmas present,” Nick was saying, “Not an engagement ring.”

  “No!”

  I could tell Mom was upset.

  “Allison, the age difference between us doesn’t matter.”

  “It matters to me,” Mom returned stubbornly.

  “No,” Nick disagreed, “it’s not our age difference that’s bothering you.”

  “Of course it is.”

  “No, it’s something else, admit it.”

  “CeeCee isn’t ready to handle something like this. It’s too soon.”

  “CeeCee will be fine; she’s matured a lot over the past few months. You’re grasping at straws.”

  “Nick, please…I’m telling you she isn’t ready.”

  “This is really about you, isn’t it? You aren’t ready and you’re using her as an excuse.”

  “Nick…”

  “Admit it, Allison; this isn’t about CeeCee at all.”

  “Okay, I admit it, I’m not ready,” she whispered, “It’s too soon.”

  “Allison…”

  “No! It’s too soon!”

  “Allison, be reasonable…”

  “I don’t want to be reasonable. I don’t have to be reasonable.”

  “I’m not going to go away; you will have to deal with this sooner or later.”

  “I choose later.”

  “When, later?”

  “I don’t know.”

  “I’ll be as patient as I can, Allison, but you have to throw me a bone here. I’m a starving man.”

  “I don’t know.”

  “That’s not good enough, give me something.”

  “Graduation, okay, you have to wait until after graduation to tell her.”

  “Done,” Nick agreed instantly.

  There was silence. I was rooted to the floor in shock. I knew I had to get out of there, but my legs wouldn’t cooperate. I couldn’t let them find me there, eavesdropping on their personal conversation.

  In a blind panic, willing my legs to obey, I turned and ran for the door. Instinctively I made no noise as I exited the house.

  How would I ever be able to face them? They could never know that I had been there, that I had overheard.

  I felt no pain…yet…my whole being taken up with thoughts of escape. I hit the ground running and, ignoring the twinges in my ankle, didn’t stop until I reached the jogging park. Funny how that place had become my escape hatch, my haven in times of unbearable pain…not funny ha-ha, but funny strange…at that point I didn’t know if I would ever find anything truly funny again.

  I ran deep into the park, finding one of the benches hidden among trees and overgrown shrubbery. Sitting down, I pulled my knees up to my chin and wrapped my arms around them.

  I couldn’t even cry, the pain was too deep. I had finally admitted to myself that my feelings for Nick were more than just a schoolgirl crush, opened up to him, trusted him, too late realizing that he was only being nice to his future stepdaughter.

  I told myself over and over that he was just being friendly, that was all he wanted from me, but deep down I couldn’t believe he didn’t feel something for me, something more than just friendship.

  NO! I screamed in silent agony. She’s old enough to be his mother. They can’t do this to me. What am I supposed to do? How can I face them again? I can’t do it. I won’t do it.

  At least Mom had enough compassion to wait until I graduated in order to tell me. Oh no, what if they knew how I was feeling? Had I been that obvious? I’d tried to hide my feelings from everyone except Felicia. Was I that bad of an actress? Is that why there were discussing me…wondering how I would take it…because they knew?

  And what about Dad? I thought she loved him. How could she? It had only been six months since his death, not even six months. Was she that fickle…that faithless? Were her nighttime tears for Dad, or for Nick? Is that why he’d stopped me from entering her room all of those months ago; the night I had thrown myself at him? No wonder he’d flinched as if he’d been scalded. He must have been horrified. My cheeks burned at the memory. I was so stupid.

  All the signs had been there. In a strangely detached way, I began listing everything I had noticed over the past six months.

 

  1. The way Mom lit up the first time they’d met at Dad’s funeral.

  2. The way their eyes seemed to communicate.

  3. The easy camaraderie between them…the smiling, the talking, the laughing.

  4. How quickly he had moved from “Mrs. Wilson” to Allison

  5. How…I cringed at the word…intimate her name sounded on his lips.

  6. The conversation I’d just overheard…the mention of an engagement ring.

  Moaning aloud, I startling some birds that had been roosting in a nearby bush. Making a list hadn’t helped; it served only to make everything more real, more undeniable.

  I hated them both, and I loved them both. What a mess.

  I had to think, plan, and decide what to do, but I couldn’t. Nothing made sense anymore. Disjointed thoughts were floating around in my head, but they were just out of reach. I kept trying to catch them and fit them together, but with no success.

  Just how much pain could one person take and not explode or in my case…implode?

  Time passed, but I remained unaware.

  It was almost dark before my cell phone rang. Mechanically, I reached in my backpack—I hadn’t put it down when I was in the house, thankfully—and looked to see who was calling: Mom.

  What should I do?

  Answer it…? She would be able to tell from my voice that something was wrong.

  Simply let it ring…? The police would probably be at my house by the time I got home.

  I had no choice.

  “Hi, Mom,” I said into the phone, hoping to inject just enough life into my voice to keep her from being suspicious.

  “CeeCee, where are you? I have been waiting supper for you for over an hour.”

  “Sorry Mom,” I tried to sound sorry, but I don’t think I succeeded, “Felicia and I had a snack before she dropped me off,” I lied, feeling horribly guilty, “So I decided to head straight to the jogging park. I’ll be home in a bit. See ya.”

  I hung up.

  Well, at least she wouldn’t be calling the police.

  Suddenly I was angry…as angry as I had ever been in my entire life, and that was saying something.

  I would show them that I didn’t need either one of them. They could have each other, but they weren’t getting me as well. I would start applying to some out-of-state colleges and as soon as graduation was over, I would be out of there.

  I had a momentary twinge about leaving Mark, but he had already chosen his witch of a girlfriend over me, so I hardened my heart against him. Felicia and I had applied to UT, but maybe I could get her to go with me somewhere else. I hoped so; she was my lifeline, the only grip I had left on my sanity.

  Total darkness had fallen before I made my way back home. For the first time ever, I walked the whole way, not having the energy to run. I could barely breathe. My heart was in pieces, and my lungs weren’t functioning well.

  I desperately needed something to take my mind off the scene I had witnessed.

  A list…that was what I needed…a list of things I could do to give the appearance of being normal. Yes, lists were good. Okay, think…what would show them I was perfectly fine, a normal…yeah right…teenager.

  I had nothing. My mind was completely and utterly blank.
For the first time in my life, I couldn’t come up with a list of any kind. There was nothing but emptiness inside of me. My limit of pain had been reached, and I couldn’t process anymore.

  The only possible way for me to survive was by embracing the emptiness, the blankness, making sure my mind was carefully devoid of any thought or emotion. That was the only defense I had left…my only form of protection, self-preservation, although at that point I wasn’t sure what was left of me worth preserving.

  Taking a deep breath as I opened the front door, I pretended as if it was the first time.