Dear Diary...

by L. M. Reed

  Chapter 31

  Dear Diary,

  Graduation!

  CeeCee

  It hadn’t been as horrible as I expected, hearing Elsee Caitrin Wilson over the loud speaker. I walked carefully across the stage, self-consciously trying not to trip over my own feet.

  Usually I wasn’t worried about clumsiness, that just wasn’t me, but I knew Nick was out there, in the darkened auditorium, watching me. That thought alone was enough to make me awkward and embarrassed.

  I had specifically told him not to come, but as was his way, he’d ignored me. When I had casually mentioned to Mom that I might skip the graduation exercises altogether, she had gone all ballistic on me.

  Well, the worst part was over. I’d made it across the stage and was the proud owner of an empty diploma holder—apparently they never put the actual diploma in the holder, it was always sent on later, just to make sure there were no mistakes made—the tassel was hanging from the other side of my hat, and all that remained was to wait patiently for the last few graduates to do the same. Taking a deep breath, I could feel the tension draining from my body.

  I was way down the alphabetical list with my ‘W’ name, so my nervousness had grown in steady proportion to the amount of time I had to sit and stew before they called my name.

  The funny thing about it was that by the time they called my name, most people weren’t even listening to the man with the monotone voice droning on and on.

  Ah, there was “Wolfe,” the last one. The principal was making his closing remarks, almost over. A collective sigh of relief and it was done.

  I made my way through the other graduates to find Felicia who smiled and chatted with everyone as she made her way towards where she knew I would be. We found each other and hugged, laughing delightedly.

  “We did it,” Felicia exulted.

  “Yeah, I had my doubts about you,” I teased.

  “Hey, changed your mind about the party?”

  “Nope, sorry; you know what a party pooper I am.”

  “You’d rather sit around and stare longingly at Nick?”

  “I don’t plan to stare longingly at anyone,” I assured her. “I’m going to go for a run/walk. It’s about time I started my evening schedule again. Mark will probably come with me and we can talk.”

  “Okay, but we are still on for the new Agent Jack Knight movie coming out next week, right?”

  “Absolutely,” I agreed enthusiastically, “you know it’s your fault I’m hooked on those things.”

  “Guilty as charged,” she admitted. “Oh, here they come now. I’ll just say hi and then head to the party.”

  Felicia said a quick hi and bye to everyone, then left. She was going to the after graduation party with Michael. I was glad that he had ended up being the exception to Felicia’s dating rules…they made a cute couple.

  “CeeCee, are you sure you don’t want to go to the party?” Mark asked in concern

  “Because we all know what a party animal I am.”

  “Okay,” he laughed.

  “Would you like to go out to eat?” Mom asked, “We could go anywhere you want and make it into a birthday/graduation thing since we missed celebrating Mark’s birthday.”

  “Allison, why don’t you and Mark head to the apartment,” Nick suggested without taking his eyes off me. “CeeCee and I will join you in a bit.”

  “Nick,” there was definitely an apprehensive note in Mom’s voice and the consternation in her face was obvious.

  “I’ve kept my promise, Allison, and followed every one of your rules to the letter,” Nick said still watching me while he was talking to Mom. “CeeCee has a right to know.”

  My heart sank to my feet. He was going to tell me about him and Mom right away…of course he wouldn’t want to wait any longer than he had to. They had no clue I already knew.

  I wasn’t sure I was ready for it to be put into actual words, but I desperately wanted Mom to be happy again. She deserved to be happy. I had sworn to myself that I would do everything I could to keep from causing her any more pain and I meant it. I would get over Nick in time.

  Keeping my distance, for the most part, the first couple of years might confuse Mom, but in the long run, it would be the best thing for me to do.

  I hadn’t told anyone that I was hoping to attend college in either Colorado or California, but I knew I wasn’t strong enough to stay in Texas, especially in the same town where they would be living; Austin was definitely out.

  “CeeCee…?”

  Nick was going to allow me to choose whether or not to go with him, but I realized I would have to deal with it sooner or later. I was through living in denial and it would do absolutely no good for me to put it off.

  “Let’s go,” I said abruptly.

  Taking off my graduation robe and handing it and my graduation cap to Mom, I turned to follow him. Mom stopped me with a hug.

  “I love you,” she whispered, tears in her eyes.

  Did she know? Had she realized how much pain I was suffering? Her “I love you” sounded more like “goodbye”. I guess I hadn’t been as good at covering up as I thought.

  “I love you, too,” I hugged her back.

  Nick gently took my hand and led me to the exit. Once we hit the parking lot, he seemed in a hurry. His pickup was parked a long way from the door, and half way there I yanked on his hand and said, “Slow down already, I’m not wearing running shoes.”

  “Sorry,” he apologized as he complied, “I’m feeling a little impatient tonight.”

  The pain that shot through me at that statement took my breath away. My chest felt tight, the all too familiar lump had suddenly appeared in my throat, and I had to fight back the tears. He obviously wanted to have it over with quickly so he could get back to Mom.

  Suddenly, I didn’t think I could go through with it…not yet, maybe not ever. It hurt more than I could say—I just didn’t have the words—but I knew I couldn’t go any farther.

  “What’s wrong?”

  “I…can’t,” I whispered, unconcealed pain in my voice.

  “Your shoes bothering you again?” he asked sympathetically.

  I couldn’t get any words past the lump in my throat, so I just shook my head and tried to pull my hand out of his grip.

  “CeeCee,” Nick’s voice was gentle, “trust me.”

  I looked at him wordlessly for a full minute before nodding my head. I did trust him and I knew he would never have intentionally hurt me. He was about to break my heart in two, but I couldn’t help myself. I loved him.

  When we got to his pickup, he helped me up into the seat. I needed to stop wearing things with straight skirts; they had no maneuverability.

  Neither one of us said a word. I had no idea where we were going, but I couldn’t bring myself to care.

  Over and over I repeated, like a litany, in my head:

  You can do this, you can do this, you can do this…

  But it kept turning into:

  no I can’t, no I can’t, no I can’t…

  It took me a few seconds to realize we had stopped moving. Nick had already put the pickup in park and was watching me. I looked around and…

  “Why are we at the church building?” I asked bewildered.

  “Because this is where it all started,” Nick answered ambiguously, “Stay there and I’ll come around and help you out.”

  Darn skirt.

  Nick opened the door, and I turned around in the seat. Putting his hands around my waist, he lifted me down.

  I dropped my hands from his shoulders as soon as I was on the ground, although I didn’t want to. I wanted desperately to have the right to leave them there, to let them…

  I shuddered violently and Nick looked at me in concern.

  “Are you cold?”

  I shook my head and with one hand in the small of my back, he guided me over towards the activity center, stopping un
der the safety light. Turning me towards him, he encircled my waist with his hands.

  “Do you remember the first time we saw each other?” Nick asked.

  “Yes,” I whispered.

  I remember clearly how Mom’s face had lit up when Mark had introduced them. Nick had looked deeply into her eyes. I guess I should have had some inkling then; maybe I had.

  “I’ve waited a long time to do this…again,” Nick bent down and softly touched his lips to mine.

  I gasped in shock and tried to push him away.

  What was he doing?

  “CeeCee,” Nick murmured, “I won’t hurt you.”

  “What about Mom,” I practically shrieked, “You’re going to hurt her. She trusts you.”

  “I promise you, I did everything she asked me to do,” Nick assured me, confusion in his voice.

  “How could you kiss me? How could you betray her trust like that? You’re a monster!”

  I was practically hysterical, trying to break away from him before I lost control and gave in to him, returning his kiss with all of the passion I had locked up inside of me.

  “She loves you and you’re…you’re…”

  “CeeCee!” Nick’s voice stopped me cold. “What the devil are you talking about?”

  “You…and Mom…don’t make me say it,” I begged.

  “You think your mom and I are…we’re…” Nick was at a loss for words. “Are you crazy? She’s my mother’s age! Well, almost.”

  “Wait a minute,” I could see the wheels turning and I knew what was coming, “Is that why you went off the deep end after Christmas? Because you thought…?”

  I looked down, not wanting to answer him.

  “CeeCee,” grasping my chin between his thumb and the knuckle of his index finger he forced my head up to meet his eyes. “Mark wasn’t responsible for it, was he? You were depressed because you thought that your mom and I were…that we…how could you think…? What could I have possibly done to give you that impression?”

  Tears filled my eyes, threatening to spill over.

  “But I heard you!” I accused him, finally finding my voice. “I heard you both talking about…about...”

  “You were eavesdropping again. You know what they say about that.”

  “I didn’t mean to,” I defended myself hotly, “I didn’t stay to listen, but I heard you both talking about your age difference, and that Mom wasn’t ready…”

  “You little idiot,” Nick chuckled. “We were talking about you, and your mom not being ready to let you go.”

  “Me?”

  “Yes you little nutcase.”

  Nick was trying to suppress his laughter.

  “Stop laughing. This is so not funny,” I fumed. “You might have given me a clue.”

  “You’re right, this isn’t funny, you ruined my whole planned speech, and…what d’ya mean a clue, you clueless wonder. I kissed you the very first day we met,” Nick reminded me sternly.

  “That didn’t count,” I disagreed. “You only did that to see if I would break your nose.”

  “I never said that.”

  “You said it was an experiment, and then you said no broken nose.”

  So there, I added silently. Maybe I haven’t grown up that much after all, I admitted to myself ruefully.

  “I was attracted to you the first time I laid eyes on you so the experiment was to find out if there was any chemistry between us…to see if you felt the same way. I desperately needed to know and since you wouldn’t even let me get near you that day, I had to figure out something to do. The no broken nose thing was a separately stated fact.”

  “But the night I…you…why did you jerk away from me?”

  I couldn’t say the words out loud, I was too embarrassed, but I knew he would understand what I was talking about.

  “You were in your thin, short whatever it is that you think passes for pajamas with your mom in the next room and Mark upstairs,” Nick reminded me. “I’m not made of stone. Speaking of which, what about your picture that I keep by my bed…don’t tell me you didn’t see that. Mark told me you slept in my room the second night.”

  “Mark has a picture of me in his room,” I objected. “It doesn’t necessarily mean anything.”

  “Yes but does Mark hold it and stare longingly at it whenever he’s talking to you on the phone?” he asked teasingly.

  “You do?”

  He nodded.

  “Thankfully you weren’t in my bed that Saturday morning when we were supposed to be at my parents’ house and you couldn’t seem to wake up,” he smiled in remembrance. “I’m afraid my self control wouldn’t have stretched that far, especially since you insist on wearing those practically non-existent pajamas.”

  I blushed, embarrassed at how I had looked that morning.

  “I was horrified when I saw myself in the mirror,” I mumbled looking down.

  Putting his hand under my chin he forced me to look at him again as he said, “You’re hair was all over the place,” he smiled as his other hand moved to my hair caressing it, “and incredibly sexy.”

  I was beginning to have coherency problems, but I needed more answers…months worth of answers.

  “But Mom has been with you every weekend since spring break.”

  How well I remembered the pain I’d suffered thinking of them together.

  “She was visiting her mother in the nursing home,” he corrected me gently. “You know how your mom feels about family. She couldn’t bear to think of her there alone and forgotten.”

  “She never said…”

  “You never asked,” Nick shook his head at me.

  “I…you…but why would Mom object to my Christmas present? Don’t get me wrong, it was beautiful, but…”

  “That was a last minute substitution,” Nick explained releasing my hair and pulling a velvet box out of his inside coat pocket. “This is the real gift. I’ve had it for months waiting for the chance to put it around your lovely neck.”

  My hands were shaking badly as I reached for the box. Nick, taking pity on me, helped me lift the hinged lid.

  “Your Mom guessed how I felt about you at the dance.”

  He took the necklace out of the box and turned me around while I automatically lifted my hair so he could fasten it. He planted a kiss on each side of my neck, which sent shivers all through my body.

  “It was glaringly obvious to everyone; well, everyone but you,” he amended. “I wasn’t sure you felt the same way until the weekend you met my family. At first, I thought you were interested in my brother, and I felt like all kinds of a fool for introducing you. I even threatened to beat Daniel within an inch of his life, and I still may do it if he doesn’t leave you alone, but Mom convinced me that I was the one you wanted.”

  I dropped my hair and fingered the pair of intertwined diamond hearts. Of course I wanted him, had wanted him from the first. Could it be true? Did he really want me? Why would someone as wonderful as Nick choose me?

  My thoughts were all mixed up, I couldn’t focus. I was so confused. How could I have misunderstood everything so badly? Months of convincing myself I could live without him, desperate to find a way to do so, praying for the strength to be able to let go…

  Could I believe it wasn’t a dream…that it was real?

  “Now admit it; even you would have figured out how I felt about you if I had given you that as a Christmas present,” he said as he gently turned me back around to face him. “I couldn’t believe it the night of the dance when you asked me if we could be friends after I had just spent the most blissful hour of my life with you in my arms.”

  “You were always on my case, treating me like a child,” although the words were accusatory, my tone was full of wonder.

  “When we met you were only seventeen and trying to deal with too much at once all by yourself,” he said softly. “I wanted to help, you wouldn’t believe how much I wanted to be ab
le to help ease your pain, but you resisted me every step of the way,” he chuckled. “That’s why I forced my annoying presence on you every chance I got. You about killed me that first time we ran together.” He added more seriously, “When we’re married I won’t let you keep everything all bottled up inside you like that. When I got your mom’s phone call that you were in the hospital…” he broke off, unable to continue for a moment. “Let’s just say, I never want to go through that again.”

  “I’m sorry,” I whispered, feeling his pain. “Wait…married?”

  “Don’t you dare ask if we can be friends,” he threatened me, laughing, “Although I want that, too. Seriously though, CeeCee, that is the other promise I made to your mother. I won’t rush you. I realize there is an age difference between us, and that you’re still very young. I want you to be absolutely sure before you agree to marry me, because once you do, I won’t be able to let you go.”

  I only caught part of what he was saying…I was so stunned.

  “You want to marry me?”

  “I love you, CeeCee,” all joking was gone and he was using his bedroom voice again.

  “You…love…me?” I gasped out the question, searching his eyes for the truth.

  Until he said the actual words, my brain wouldn’t let me accept what my heart had known all along. Through all of the terrible misunderstandings and doubts that had plagued me, I couldn’t prevent myself from believing deep down that we were meant for each other…soul mates.

  I was no longer trying to protect myself from unbearable pain. I could feel myself opening up, becoming vulnerable, and I could finally see what was in his eyes, hear what was in his voice, what other people had already seen, what had always been there if I had just been able to accept it.

  He truly loved me. It was unconditional; I didn’t have to earn it or be afraid to lose it, it was mine forever if I wanted it. That was what he had been saying every night; instead of “Sleep well, CeeCee” it had been “I love you, CeeCee”.

  “You really are oblivious aren’t you?” he said, the teasing note back in his voice. Soberly he added, “I’m sorry I couldn’t tell you how I felt before, but deep down I agreed with your mother that you were too young to deal with the intensity of my feelings for you. I thought my actions were shouting it at you every time I was around you or talking to you on the phone and I admit to being insanely jealous first of Michael and then Daniel. Intellectually, in theory, I knew you needed to see other people so you would be able to have a basis for comparison, but in practice I wanted you to see only me.”

  “But you were right,” I assured him, “I only kissed Michael to try to forget you. Daniel, on the other hand, admitted that he was playing with me in order to mess with your head. I think he’s jealous of you.”

  “He succeeded,” Nick grimaced in remembrance. Dragging his thoughts back to the present, he smiled lovingly into my eyes and said, “I love you and want to marry you, but I understand if you aren’t ready for that type of commit…”

  “I love you, too” I interrupted. “If you’re asking me to marry you, the answer is yes.”

  I heard Nick’s sharp intake of breath.

  “Are you sure?” he asked almost roughly. “I don’t want you to rush into anything. I’m a lot older than you are, and no matter how painful it may be for me, I need you to take as much time as you need and do whatever it takes to make sure you’re ready before you say yes.”

  “I’ve never wanted anything in my life as much as I want to be your wife.”

  I held his gaze, willing him to believe me.

  “When I thought you were…” I drew in a sharp breath as the familiar pain struck me, “Well, you were there, you know what a mess I was.”

  I cringed as a spasm of pain crossed his face.

  “I’ve been preparing myself for months to try to live without you. I was even going to go out of state to college because I knew I wasn’t going to be able to handle being so close to you and not…”

  Once again, I felt the sting of tears as they began pooling in my eyes. I couldn’t help it; the pain was still too fresh to have dissipated entirely.

  “If I had only known,” he groaned, “I would have never kept my promise to your mother.”

  I put my fingers on his lips, thrilled that I had the right, and said simply, “I needed to grow up and I believe I have.” I continued, “Even though I had to experience a lot of pain to get to this point, I’ll never be sorry…otherwise I wouldn’t be ready to say ‘yes’ to you; and I am ready. Please believe me.”

  As we stood there, Nick searched my face for long moments. What he saw must have convinced him.

  “So once again, from the top,” Nick said in satisfaction as he pulled me towards him.

  I didn’t resist.

  The End

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