by T. S. Joyce
The tingling that said I was out of time.
Shit. Helplessly, I looked up at Maya one last time. I wanted to stay here, with her, like she’d asked. I wanted to do anything she asked, but the wolf…the wolf…
I grunted in pain and hit the ground as my body contorted. This was death. I died every night now. Most times, I wondered how anyone could go through such pain and keep breathing. It wasn’t like this before, but now…now…gggrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.
I held onto the vision of Maya’s profile, reaching out for that glass wolf. Beautiful Maya.
Even when she’d been gone, she was the brightest part of my life.
Chapter Five
Maya
Two Nights Before Christmas
Ukiah’s howl would replay in my mind for years to come. It sounded so different than his wolf had before. It rang with a hollowness I didn’t understand. And I’d seen him, out the window. Ukiah’s wolf was gray like Gable’s animal, with dark points to his fur, and those light eyes that seemed to miss nothing. He’d stood in the snow, on the edge of the glow from the window where I stood, his eyes reflecting oddly in the lantern light. Ukiah as a man was captivating, but Ukiah the wolf? The predator was just as intimidating as he was beautiful.
The fabric of my dress shuffled loudly in the early morning silence of Ukiah’s cabin. I couldn’t tie it in the back, and I muttered three atrocious curse words trying. This was the wrong dress to wear out here.
The cabin was big, but it was one giant room, and I’d definitely fallen asleep on his bed while his wolf was out there gallivanting through the night.
The door swung open wide and banked against the wall loudly.
I yelped and grabbed a pillow to defend myself, but there wasn’t any use for it.
Standing in the doorway in a low-cut cotton shirt that showed off her sizeable cleavage, and a tight pair men’s riding pants was none other than Kristina Dawson. “I come bearing gifts!” she announced grandly, holding up a dead bunny by the back feet. “The Injun left it for you.” She strode inside and gave me the biggest, back-cracking hug I’d ever received. She patted me on the back and I tried not to cringe when I felt the bunny touch me.
The poor critter fell to the floor with a soft thud, and Kristina held me back at arm’s length. Her pretty blue eyes narrowed. “This dress won’t catch no man, Maya. I don’t know how they do it with them sissy boys in the city, but out here, you need to show the goods. Men are like fish. Give ’em good bait, and they’ll behave themselves right into commitment.”
“Lord help me,” I prayed quietly to the exposed ceiling rafters, trying to hide my smile.
Kristina Dawson, reformed ex-whore, as the old times used to call them, mate to the most devilish of the three Dawson brothers, Luke Dawson, and proud advocate for ‘showing them teets,’ as she liked to say.
“I don’t think the Ute like being called Injuns,” I told her.
“Well, let Ukiah tell me to stop then.”
I laughed an echoing sound. “Good luck to any man who tells you what to do.” I looked down at the bunny. “Does Ukiah’s wolf always kill bunnies?”
“Nope. Only when you’re around.” She stroked my curly hair and grinned. “Goddamn, it’s good to see you back in these parts. It’s too quiet in town without another scandalous woman stirring up all the rumors. It’s a big job to do on my own.”
My heart dropped. “Stirring up what rumors?”
“You didn’t go home last night, Maya. Elias and Trudy are up at the big house askin’ for you. Everyone in town knows you’re back for the holidays. If anyone saw them heading in this direction in the wagon without you riding shotgun? Well, you’ll be the talk of the town. You’re probably already pregnant with three or four of Ukiah’s babies as we speak.”
“Oh my word,” I murmured, turning. “Can you tie my dress?”
Kristina scrunched up her face. “Boys like dresses untied.”
“Kris!”
“Fiiiiiiine.” She yanked my laces tight enough to whoosh the breath right out of me, and I had to grab onto the bed post to steady myself.
A soft knock sounded at the door. When I looked over my shoulder, Lucianna and Lorelei, the other two Wolf Brides, were bustling in.
Lucianna reached me first, limping deeply, but with a ready smile on her fair lips. She was as light and pale complexed as my mother was dark. I expected a weak hug, but got no such thing.
“I heard you were hurting,” I murmured. “Are you feeling better?”
“Thanks to a delivery from your father first thing this morning, I’m feeling much more like myself.” Sure, she looked tired, but her eyes were dancing as she looked me over. “Someday, Maya,” she said mysteriously.
“Someday, what?”
Lucianna arched her blond eyebrows high. “You’re going to be mine.”
I parted my lips to ask what she meant, but Lorelei pulled me into a hug. “We sure have missed you around here. Are you hungry?”
“Starving.” My stomach growled loudly to emphasize that admission and they all laughed, me included. Good gracious, it was so good to be back with them. These women were such a huge part of my upbringing. Almost like three extra secondary mothers.
Kristina finished tying the laces. I couldn’t breathe, which meant she’d done well. Any amount of discomfort for that wasp-shaped waist, I thought sarcastically. Men really were so lucky.
“I have a present for you at the house,” Kristina announced, doing an about face and marching right out the front door.
“If it’s that Christmas-red saloon dress I saw you taking in last night,” Lorelei called, “she doesn’t need your presents.”
“It ain’t a saloon dress!” Kristina called without looking back. “It’s a holiday-themed husband-getting dress.”
Lorelei let off a very human sounding growl and picked up the dead rabbit by the back foot with two fingers. Holding it out as far as she could, she scrunched up her nose and took it out the front door.
Pursing my lips against my laughter, I grabbed my jacket and put it on, then followed the women out into the snowy morning.
And there he was.
I locked my legs against any forward movement and just froze. Ukiah was good at many things, and one of those was trapping a person in that inhuman gaze of his.
“Good morning,” he said low. Behind him, a dapple-gray horse and a black and white paint stomped their feet against the snow and tossed their heads against the reins Ukiah held.
“Remember all the manners your father and uncle taught you,” Lorelei said to him kindly as she passed.
Kristina was hoisting herself over the saddle of a chestnut gelding. “No, forget everything those rambling Dawson’s taught you. They got maybe one total ounce of romance between all three of them. That ain’t how you catch a lady.”
Ukiah grinned back at her. “Uncle Luke caught you just fine and I haven’t heard any complaints since.”
Kristina snorted and kicked her horse as the other two mounted theirs. “You ain’t been listening then. Luke!” she crowed, her voice echoing through the woods. “I’m coming home to you, honey!”
From a distance came an echoing, “Good, cause I can’t find my boots!”
Kristina waggled her eyebrows back at them and stuck her foot out from her stirrups. They sure looked like men’s boots on her feet.
Ukiah and I cracked up laughing. I pulled my jacket closer to keep in all the warmth as I approached.
“I took the wagon and horse back to Elias already,” he said. “Are you ready for one of your presents?”
Utterly shocked, I blurted out, “Presents? Whatever for?”
“For all the Christmases I missed.” He pulled the black and white filly toward me.
“You got me a horse?” I asked, petting the beautiful creature on the neck. She turned her head and looked at me with one big soft brown eye, blinking hard. There was a snowflake resting on her long eyelashes.
“She’s yours as lo
ng as you’re here,” he said, stepping away from his own horse to lift me into the saddle.
My skirts rustled as I flared them over the paint’s hind end. She pranced a little but settled quickly. I don’t know why, but I loved that Ukiah automatically had me sitting split-legged, instead of side-saddle. He’d never put on airs about what was proper for women. He’d always supported my comfort over manners.
“What’s her name?” I asked.
“This is Timber. She’s black and white.” He grinned cheekily at me.
“Black and white like me,” I said, finishing his tease. “Did she remind you of me when you picked her out?”
“Mmm hmmmm. Are you fishing for compliments?”
A sassy smile plastered my face. “I love fishing.”
He chuckled and handed me her reins. “Yes, but not only because she’s a looker. She’s patient, and quick to learn. Very intelligent. Doesn’t make the same mistake too many times and works hard. She’s independent and free-spirited, and she makes me want to be a better trainer when I’m around her.”
Somewhere in the middle, his voice had gone all soft and the smile had fallen from my face. This wasn’t teasing. He was telling me the nicest things anyone had ever said. Oh, I’d received compliments before, but those had gone in one ear and out the other. Why? Because they weren’t from anyone special. But coming from Ukiah? My heart was listening.
A blush heated my cheeks and I busied myself adjusting the reins just so in my hands. “Doooooo you want to sit by me at breakfast?”
“Yes. But we won’t be eating with everyone else.”
“What do you mean?” I asked as he swung up into his saddle.
He aimed his horse the opposite direction of the Dawson cabins.
“Where are we going?” I asked, nudging Timber into a trot behind him.
“I brought this for you,” he murmured, offering me a bundle of food, wrapped in red cloth.
Under me, Timber slowed to the pace Ukiah’s horse was walking, and side by side, we rode through the trees and over fresh fallen snow. I took the food parcel from his hand and rested it against the saddle horn, then unwrapped it carefully. “Are these Lorelei’s biscuits?” I asked through a watering mouth. They were still warm, and fruit jam and melted butter dripped from the insides. I bit into one and rolled my eyes heavenward as I chewed. “These are my favorite.”
“I remember,” he said with a chuckle.
And his voice reciting my last letter to him flitted across my mind. “You remember a lot. Where are we going?”
“And I imagined getting a Christmas tree with you, and going to Christmas Eve services, and the celebration at Cotton’s on Christmas Day,” he recited.
“Are we getting a Christmas tree?” I asked so loud it frightened a bird from a nearby tree.
“I have a saw in my saddlebag. I was thinking a six foot one.”
“I was thinking a twelve foot one!”
His laugh bellowed through the woods. “Woman, how tall do you think my ceilings are?”
“Oh, yes, that does make a difference. How important is your roof to you? Wait! Does that mean you will go to Christmas Eve services with me and your family? And my family?”
He tossed his hair out of his face and nodded. “I’ll probably get struck down the second I step through the doors, but why not?”
“You won’t get struck down. There’s lots of sinners that go.”
“I don’t exactly believe in the same thing you and the rest of the town does.”
“I know, but that’s okay. Gary Butters has been naughty with at least a dozen working ladies, and he goes every Christmas Eve.” I frowned. “Or at least he used to. Is he still alive?”
“Yes he is and he’s probably doubled his saloon girl numbers by now. Maybe we can sit by him.”
I snorted, but tried to cover up the unladylike noise with a cough. “Wait, but one of the last things I talked about in my last letter was the Christmas celebration at Cotton’s. It’s closed now. I saw it. The windows are all boarded up like no one has bought it yet.”
A strange expression flitted across Ukiah’s face and then was gone like it had never existed before.
“What was that look for?”
“I don’t know what look you’re talking about.” Ukiah shoved the last of his biscuit into his mouth and chewed.
“You always close down,” I accused. Getting Ukiah to open up was like prying up new floorboards with a toothpick.
“Want to race?” he asked.
Clever little weasel, getting out of answering questions. “Of course I want to—Hyaaaah!” I yelled, kicking Timber.
Ukiah’s booming laugh followed me as I held on for dear life, because Timber, for as petite as she was, could move like a bullet.
We raced through the trees, the cold air stinging my face and hands, and laughter stealing my frozen breath. Timber responded to every command, zigging and zagging through the piney woods, snow flying behind us. Faster and faster we went and I could see him—Ukiah. He was twenty yards away, running through the trees, one hand on the reins, one relaxed and on his thigh as his horse stretched for every step, hooves pounding against the snow. His hair flew behind him, and that smile was enough to stop a heart. His shirt billowed behind him. Crazy man never seemed to need a jacket. I was struck with awe for a second too long, and barely ducked under a low-hanging branch. Too close! My heart was pounding out of my chest and the air was so cold in my lungs and was freezing, but in this moment, I wondered if any before it had ever been this happy. If I’d ever felt this free.
And then I saw it, up ahead. Full and stout, an evergreen tree stood alone in the clearing.
“Whoa,” I huffed out on a frozen breath, pulling back on the reins and locking my legs against the stirrups as Timber slowed. She still wanted to go, and it was a fight to get her to stay at a trot, and then slow her to a walk. Good horse. Fast horse. One ride and I loved her already.
Ukiah circled the tree and when he came into view on the other side of it, those gray wolf eyes were locked on me. “Is this the one?”
“Yes, you’re the one,” I murmured. I shook my head and squeezed my eyes closed. Why had I just said that? “I mean yes, this is the one.”
My mortification was infinite when he didn’t say anything. He stared at me a few seconds too long, and then dismounted and tied his horse to a felled log. And then he approached and I wished Timber and I would just get swallowed up by a crack in the land and disappear forever.
Now the entire morning would be awkward and uncomfortable.
He reached for my waist and I whispered, “You don’t have to do that.”
His hands were strong on my hips though, and he pulled me easily from the saddle. Only he didn’t release me. I stood there, close enough to feel his warmth radiating from his body. Close enough to smell the wolf on him. Close enough to hear his breath.
“Look at me,” he said in that calm, low timbre.
I squeezed my eyes closed tight and lifted my chin, but his touch on my cheek was instant.
“Do you know what I want to do to you when you say things like that?” he asked.
“Vile things?” I asked, and damn that hope in my voice, I was definitely getting struck down in service tomorrow night too. We were going to go to Hell hand-in-hand. I should feel concerned about that, but mostly thinking about holding his hand made hell sound not-so-unsavory.
His lips twitched at the corners and he stepped into me, cupped the back of my neck with his hand. “Do you feel trapped?” he whispered.
“No.” It was the truth and he darn-well knew it, from the slow smile on his face.
“I want to do wicked, wicked things to you now, Maya. Careful when you say things like I am the one, or I’ll make it very hard for you to leave me again.”
I slid my hand up his arm and gripped his wrist, forcing him to stay in place. “Maybe I want you to make it hard for me.”
A soft rattling sound took his throat, and I le
aned in, feeling emboldened by the sensation of safety he provided. Up on my tiptoes, I pressed my lips to his and held for one second, before I came back down to reality. To cold fingers and wet shoes, and hair that was flying every which way. To snowflakes on my cheeks.
To an inhuman hunger in Ukiah’s eyes. He leaned down and gripped my neck in the moment his lips crashed onto mine. Angling his face, he pushed his tongue into my mouth. My body lit up like the fuse on a stick of dynamite. I’d never done or felt anything like this before. His hands were everywhere, exploring and I was helpless to tell him to slow down. I didn’t want him to! I wanted more and more and more. The kiss went on and on, but I was so nervous and began shaking. It started in my hands and spread right through me.
“Shhhh,” he murmured against my lips, slowing the passion of his kiss down. Ukiah dragged my hand inside of the open buttons of his shirt and pressed my cold palm against his pounding heartbeat. “Me too.”
Something about that admission calmed my nerves right down. He was feeling the weight of the moment just as assuredly as I was. Even after all this time, he knew me. He knew my thoughts, my reactions. He knew me like no one ever would be able to. He’d watched me and paid attention and listened over the years. Ukiah was a half of me, and these last years in Boston, I’d been flitting about like I was whole when I knew better. There were hollow places inside of me, but he filled them up now.
“Why didn’t you go to the reservation this year?” I asked him, our faces so close together.
“You know why,” he murmured.
“I want to hear it. I want to know and not be confused, or hopeful if there isn’t hope. Do you understand?”
He searched my eyes and pressed my hand against his heart harder, squeezing it, securing me in place with him. “Elias told me you would come for the holiday. How could I leave if this place was finally going to be home for a little while again?”
“It was always home, Ukiah. Even if I wasn’t here—”
“No.”
