by T. S. Joyce
He’d said it so sternly, the argument died in my throat.
“You make it different,” he explained. “You fill this place up. If I went to the reservation right now, I wouldn’t get to do all the things you’d wished for.” His voice lowered, and he ran a knuckle down my cheek. “You deserve the things you wish for.”
“I wished for you, Ukiah.” I wanted to shake him, to make him understand. To get it through his head. “I pined for you for years. Chased after you, and you shut me down over and over. I couldn’t meet anyone here, you were everything. I wanted you to choose me, and you never did, and I got older and older and I said no to every suitor before they even got one foot in the door because of you. But you always walked away when I got too close, and it kept me confused always. I didn’t want to stay in a place where I was undesirable to the one man I desired. To the only man who meant anything to me. You were going to find someone you cared for someday, and I couldn’t watch it. And when I heard about Tomotu, it made sense to me. She was Ute. She was like you.”
“She wasn’t real or—”
“That’s beside the point. I didn’t want to be alone forever, with the same job working under my parents, watching you spend more and more time at the reservation. Watching you build your life with someone else. Trying to fake not being heartbroken when you would someday bring your family to town. I didn’t want that to be my story.”
Ukiah shook his head and opened his mouth, closed it. Tried again. “Shit, Maya,” he growled, giving her his back. Always his back. “I wish I was like Luke, or my father. I wish I had good words that would make sense to you. I wish I could explain how it was, but I’m not good at that. I’m good at watching, and fixing.” He rounded on me. “That was never your story, and I couldn’t figure out a way to claim you without holding you back. I heard about your life in Boston. I ask—”
“Boston is just different—”
“Boston is good for you—”
“You were good for me!” Stupid tears stung my eyes and made it hard to see. “You, Ukiah. You were good.”
“I had nothing to offer, and I’m gone half the year at the reservation, and gone half the time I’m here as a wolf. I couldn’t give you a better life. You would’ve done exactly what you said. Been stuck working under your mother and father, and it would’ve trapped a woman like you. Maya, can’t you see your worth?” He stood up straighter. “You don’t belong here.”
“Take that back,” I gritted out.
Ukiah’s nostrils flared and he watched the tear stream down my cheek. He tracked it with his eyes and then looked away, down at the snow near the base of the Christmas tree.
“Take. It. Back.”
“No money for dresses, no job that you loved, being alone while I was at the reservation, losing me to the wolf over and over, and when you were good and broken from the cycles I would put you through, what would happen then? Huh? You would have a pup for me. Have two or three, maybe. How many would be little girls that died the second they got to air, because they couldn’t bear the little wolf pup inside of them, eating them from their souls out? How many sons would you give me, Maya? How many times would you watch your boys turn into monsters, just like their father?”
“Stop it!” I screamed. I stooped and grabbed up a handful of snow, packed it once and flung it at him. The snowball exploded against his chest, but I was just getting started. “I would’ve been happy to be a Wolf Bride. That was my dream! To be yours. Can’t you see that? Babies? You think I would’ve been cursed with your children? I would’ve been blessed with them! Even if we lost girls, we would weather that together. Even if we had sons with wolves in them, I would be so proud watching you teach them to be good men just…like…you. Don’t tell me what I would’ve given up with you, Ukiah.” My voice wavered and my lip trembled. “The world would’ve felt like mine if you would’ve offered it to me.”
I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t stand here and cry in front of him for a second longer. This is exactly why I’d been so intimidated to come back and see him. He dredged up all of these feelings that were painful and joyous and confusing, always confusing.
I marched away toward Timber, who had wondered to the tree line and was digging at a tuft of long grass peeking through the snow with the tip of her hoof. My breath hitched and I clenched my fists at my sides that that would keep all of these damn emotions in my body but no.
Strong arms wrapped around me and held me. “Stop,” Ukiah whispered in my ear, his lips so close, his cheek pressed against my hair. He hugged me tighter and I sagged. I took us both down into the snow, but he didn’t let me go. He just hugged me up and let me sob like a child.
“I never know where I stand with you,” I murmured miserably.
And Ukiah, that strong werewolf, he pulled me straight back into his lap and cradled me. Swaying gently, he hummed a song I remembered from when we were kids. It was one he’d taught me. One in his native language, but I couldn’t remember the words, just the notes. He hadn’t sung it with me since we were little kids.
“I think you do know,” he said. “But you are a woman who needs things spelled out directly, and I’m a man who doesn’t speak on such things.” Ukiah looked down at me and pressed his lips against mine. He sucked on my bottom lip as he rocked me gently, and all I could do was hold onto his neck and drink in every second of his affection. It felt very, very important. When he eased back by a couple of inches, he said something I’d only dreamed of hearing from his lips. “I’ve loved you since we were kids. I’ll love you until your smile lines deepen.” He brushed his fingertip at the corner of my eye. “Until your hair turns silver.” He pulled down on curl and released it. “Until you and I become part of the earth again, I will love you. Now do you know where you stand?”
I swallowed hard because how on God’s green pastures was I supposed to follow that up? “I love you also.” I smiled brightly. “And you just did really well, for a man who doesn’t think he’s good with words. I’m fairly sure I will replay this moment in my head a thousand times.”
“Your hands are frozen,” he said. “Like little icicles on my neck.”
I pulled my hands to his cheeks and pressed them there. And then to his chest, which felt like he had a fever. Werewolves were lucky in that regard. He winced back and gripped my wrists. “I don’t understand how you get so cold. Humans are the worst.”
I giggled maniacally and started pressing my icicles on every tender warm spot I could reach. Collar bone. Shoulders. Back.
“Keep touching under my shirt and see where it gets your virtue, woman.”
“I’ve decided I want to be scandalous, like Kristina.”
He snorted. “I’m sure she would love to give you lessons.”
“Already, I’ve spent the night in a man’s home and kissed him in the snow. While unchaperoned. And I touched inside your shirt. I’m a floozy now.”
Ukiah’s smile was so big and bright. “Come on, floozy. We have a tree to chop down.”
And chop it down we did. And as we rode back toward his cabin, the tree dragging in the snow behind his horse, I had trouble looking away from Ukiah. And it seemed he had trouble looking away from me as our chatter filled the woods. We’d dug into the frustrations we’d had before I left this place, and he didn’t walk away this time. He didn’t let me walk away either.
He’d told me he loved me and that he always would. I’d never imagined that would be part of my story.
Already, this was the best Christmas I could remember.
Chapter Six
Ukiah
Two Nights Before Christmas
You don’t belong here. I’d wanted to choke on that lie as I’d forced it out earlier. Maya absolutely belonged here, I’d just had a moment of panic, thinking of her settling for me.
Currently, Maya was bustling around the massive kitchen in my parents’ cabin right along with her mother, Trudy, and Lucianna, Lorelei and Kristina. The latter of which had dressed as a naughty
Mrs. Claus, complete with fur-lined corset dress, glasses that she didn’t need, and a Santa hat. She wore it every year, and every year, Luke made it strange and stared at her exposed ankles like he wanted to eat her up. Or so I’d heard. I hadn’t actually seen it until this year. Maya loved it and had complimented her stockings and high-heeled shoes two times already. I was on a chair near the hearth, carving little wooden animals for the young cousins and second-cousins who would show up for Christmas. It was snowing again outside, and my uncles and I had finished feeding the cattle, so all of us were spending time in the warmth tonight. It had been long, fun day of decorating the tree, and riding, exploring this place all over again, spending time with the people Maya had so clearly missed. And yeah, I snuck a kiss whenever I knew no one was watching. I would protect her reputation, but also, the blush I could make on that woman’s cheeks caused a sense of accomplishment inside of myself like none I’d ever felt before.
“Are you sure you ladies don’t want any help?” I asked again. I wasn’t used to watching people work and not helping.
“You will only take up space and get in the way,” Lorelei said.
Maya pulled a fragrant fruit pie from the oven and agreed. “You are a very large man now, Ukiah.” She tossed me a wink that went straight through my body and landed in my groin. I wanted to take her out back and pin her up against the barn and give her a not-so-gentle reminder of why she should never leave again. I had to stick to the plan though.
Luke was sitting on the couch near me and cleared his throat loudly. “I know that look. I bet my face looks the same when Kristina puts on her whore-clothes.”
I nearly choked on nothing, and glared at him, sitting there in his red and white plaid long underwear and Santa hat, and boots. “Why are you wearing that?” I asked him.
He took a long swig of his beer and “aaaaah”ed dramatically. “Lost a bet to Stupid Gable.” He’d taken a liking to calling my father that lately.
I snorted and shook my head, went back to whittling for about three seconds before I had to look at Maya again. God, she was stunning. Trudy had brought her a dress to change into. A silver high-necked number that was fitted through the bodice down to her hips, flaring at the waist and with full skirts. The trim on the bodice was bright red, and she had a twig of holly pinned right over her heart. Her long, curly hair had been pulled back to the base of her neck, but a couple of curls had escaped in her kitchen efforts. That smile had barely left her full lips all day. And every time she looked over at me, I was struck by the dancing blue in her eyes.
“You got it bad, boy,” Luke muttered.
“Leave him alone,” my father said, sitting heavily in the chair beside Luke. “You still get that puppy dog look around your mate, too.”
Unwilling to conduct the mate-discussion in mixed company, I dropped my attention back to the howling wolf I was whittling.
Elias came in from the blustering cold, and the door caught the wind and yanked it out of his hand. It slammed against the wall, and scared Lucianna into a yelp. She dropped the bread she’d just pulled from the oven, the women all went to grousing, and while Elias tried to apologize, a sugar cookie came flying at his face. Jeremiah appeared out of nowhere and caught it easily, shoved it in his mouth and walked into the other room like nothing had been amiss. He’d been holding a mug of eggnog and hadn’t spilled it. The wide-eyed look on Maya’s face drew a chuckle from my lips.
Elias, used to being around the speed of werewolves, closed the door and said one last apology before making his way over to me. He stood at the hearth, warming his hands by the roaring fire. “I know what you’ve done.”
I looked up at him to see if he was talking to me. “What have I done?” I asked him. Direct was the best way for a man to be.
“Chester Finn told me you’ve been into the bank.”
I shook my head hard, and looked at Maya to make sure she hadn’t heard.
“Whatever you’re doing?” Elias murmured lower, leaning in. He nodded. “Well, it makes me like you more. I hope I’ve guessed what you’re up to, and if you need any help from me or Trudy, you let us know.”
I swallowed the yellow-bellied coward in me down and murmured, “Mr. Elias…would it be okay…if…” Shit, I didn’t know how to do this. The words failed me, as always. I could conjure them just fine in my language, but they didn’t make a lick of sense in English. I tried again. “Would you be okay if…”
“Ukiah,” Elias said, gripping my shoulder. His cheeks were flushed and his freckles stood out even more. “Me and Trudy would’ve always been more than okay with that.” He squeezed my shoulder again, clapped me on the back once, and began taking his coat off.
And that was that.
Utterly stunned, heart hammering against my sternum, I clenched the little wolf in my hand. Maya was drying her hands with a green cloth in the kitchen, watching me with a small smile tugging right at the corners of her lips. She gave this little wave that made me want to hug her up tight, and make her all the important promises she deserved.
Not yet though. Not tonight. Tonight, I just wanted to exist and witness her happiness. It was feeding my wolf on pure goodness, instead of the turmoil that always overpowered me when I was alone.
Tonight, for once, the wolf was quiet.
Because of Maya.
Chapter Seven
Maya
How could I possibly sleep? I hadn’t been so happy, and excited and just…just…full of joy in as long as I can remember.
Today had been perfect. My stomach hurt from laughing so much, and the smile on my face might’ve been permanent now. And then there was the thought of my future. I was due to leave for Boston in just a few days, but selfishly, I wanted more days like today.
The pillow smelled like Ukiah, and I hugged it closer. It had to be smack-dab in the middle of the night. It was well past midnight, so it was officially Christmas Eve. I wanted to see him again already. The kiss he’d laid on my lips when he’d said goodnight at the front door weren’t enough. I grinned up at the ceiling and kicked my legs about the bed. Look at the greedy little trollop I’d turned into—kissing a man so many times in one day.
My sleeping gown was long, but it was thin, and the cabin was getting too cold for comfort, so I got up and padded to the fireplace, and put another log on the fire to revive the embers. I loved Ukiah’s cabin. It was so homey, and comfortable here.
I touched my lips where he’d kissed me goodbye earlier tonight before he’d gone to Change into his wolf. I imagined the way his tongue stroked against mine. The way he tasted. The growl in his throat when he grew needy.
Right now, he was running around the woods somewhere, probably thinking of hunting, while I was here in his home, having fantasies about stolen kisses. Was he hunting another rabbit for me? That was a special gift…right? His wolf choosing to hunt for me? It wasn’t just Ukiah hunting and trapping for furs to sell in town. It was his animal choosing to hunt, and forgo consuming it, and bringing it to me. To make sure I was fed. His animal was putting me before himself, and that wasn’t lost on me. Ukiah the man had often done the same.
It was dark in here, only lit by the flickering yellow glow of the fire. Warm enough at last, I turned for bed, but the door opened. Before I could even be startled, Ukiah was here, clad in only his deerskin leggings. His hair was unbraided, and the olive toned skin across his chest smooth. I hadn’t seen him shirtless since we were kids at the swimming hole, and he sure hadn’t looked like this.
Under my searching eyes, he shut the door and stood up straight, lifting his chin. And he watched me as I took in every inch of exposed skin. His chest was muscular and his shoulders broad and strong. His stomach flexed with every breath, and his eyes were glowing that light gray that said his animal was still very much present. His powerful stride led him straight to me, and he lifted my hand to his chest, down the curves of his muscles, down his stomach, and then he lifted my palm to his cheek.
“You’ve alrea
dy come back,” I murmured. “I thought you would stay out all night.”
“You’re a good reason for the wolf to give up the body,” he said low. “He let me come back to you.” And that right there was an I love you from the animal inside of him.
He touched my cheek, and I leaned into his palm. I should’ve been mortified to be in my thin white sleeping gown in front of him, but I wasn’t. There was no vulnerability with him, only warmth, and caring.
And those hands…they set me on fire.
He trailed his fingertips down the length of my neck, dragging flames down my skin. He gripped the back of my hair and angled my face up, where I had the perfect view of his wicked smile.
“You’re safe,” he growled. “But I think from the hungry look in your eyes, you know that. You want me?”
Breath shaking with need, I nodded.
He shook his head slowly back and forth. “I want you to say it.”
Oh, what a game he was playing. My body melted right against him, and the heat that radiated off him warmed me. My breasts were so sensitive this close to him. Only a thin layer of cotton fabric separated us.
He leaned down and kissed me, his lips forming the perfect complement to mine as he sucked gently. He’d been working me up all day, with every peck, every touch, and now my body wanted his in ways I didn’t understand.
The flow from the fire flickered across my vision every time I eased my eyes open, and as he pushed me backward gently, and untied the ribbon at the neck of my sleeping gown, I was stunned again by how handsome he was, especially in the glow of the flames. And who had the hungry look in their eyes now? Ukiah pulled my unfastened sleeping gown to the side, exposing my collar bone, the tip of my shoulder, my arm. And then he did something that drew a gasp of ecstasy from me. He pulled it down farther and cupped my breast. His strong hand felt so good. My legs buckled, but Ukiah caught me, and lowered me gently to the bear-skin rug in front of the fire.
And where my skin was still exposed, he pressed his lips in soft, sucking kisses until I was arching my back, and pleading for more.
