Blue Love : Blue Valley High — Senior Year

by Mj Fields

  Toby then throws a blanket around the front of us while I toss back another beer, this time without stopping, and then another.

  “Slow down, angel.”

  “No.” I look over my shoulder at him. “Shouldn’t you be kissing me?”

  He turns me in his lap and whispers in my ear while lifting the blanket, shielding us from the onlookers. “I understand you’re going through some things—I’m here for you—but I want no regrets and no awkward moments after tonight. I’m not rebound material, Tessa. I’m a keeper, and you, angel, deserve to be kept. One more kiss for me, not him.” His kiss is soft and given with sincerity, and it’s my favorite Toby kiss. “How was that?”

  “Beautiful.”

  “Do you need more, or can we take this at our pace?” he asks with more sincerity in his eyes than I’ve ever seen.

  “No, Toby, I can wait.”

  Toby uncovers our faces, pulls my head to his chest, and I close my eyes.

  Chapter Sixteen

  If there is a hell on earth, it resides in the same place that felt like heaven just weeks ago and, this was it. Hell is watching Tessa as she falls asleep in the arms of another man while trying to keep my cool. The same cool I promised Tommy I would keep, and Tommy then promised Alex Ross I could handle.

  Being that few people in my life have mattered, like Tommy, I am intent on not breaking said promise.

  “We’re out of beer,” Mark announces.

  “There are two over here. She doesn’t need them.” Toby Green strokes her hair and does so while looking at me, giving me a slight shake of his head.

  Fuck you, I think, but don’t say, because that would not be keeping cool.

  I know this asshole cares for her, but it doesn’t make any of this situation, one I have managed to get myself into, any easier.

  I broke her, she told me so, and now Toby is going to fix her.

  Because I don’t know how.

  I stand up and walk to Tommy. “Hey, man, I’m going to go down to the cabin and crash. You staying here?”

  “Yeah. Alex is, too.” Tommy stands, and we do our handshake, which amounts to half-handshake, half-high-five, followed by a one-armed hug slash shoulder bump.

  “All right, see you in the morning,” I say, avoiding Jade’s glare by bending over and picking up some discarded cans as I walk away.

  “How can you talk to him?” Jade asks.

  “Pretty girl, he’s my friend. I’ve known him all my life, and I love him like a brother,” Tommy replies in a way I know damn well I’m fucking up his happy, too.

  “Okay,” she says as I grab another can and glance back to see her kiss him. Then I hear him make a noise that I sure as hell don’t need to hear and her whisper, “Four and a half more months there, hot stuff.”

  “It’s going to kill me. Do you have any clue how amazing you looked tonight? Now? Every day?” Tommy asks.

  Jade laughs and answers with the kind of confidence a woman should have with her man. “Yes, I do.”

  I toss the empties into a cooler, look once again at sleeping Tessa, and then hike down the path toward “Doe Camp.”

  Once inside, I climb into the loft and attempt to force myself to sleep.

  Minutes later, the door of the cabin creaks open, and I peer through the slats down through the railing and watch as Toby carries Tessa into the cabin, lays her down on the pull-out sofa bed, and kisses her cheek.

  “Sleep, angel. I’ll be back.”

  After Toby leaves, and knowing how soundly she sleeps when she’s fucked up, I climb down the ladder from the loft, sit beside her, and watch her sleep.

  Toby’s right; she is an angel.

  I carefully rub soft circles on the back of her hand, and the anger I feel inside, at myself, turns to regret. Her skin is so soft; her lips full and beautiful, fucking kissable; and her damn hair, all tousled and messy. I push away a soft, stray strand off her face and desperately wish I could hold her, but I’m not that fucked up … am I?

  I bend down and brush my lips across hers, and she exhales. I kiss her lips lightly. Weak, I then gently suck on her lower lip, not caring what’s right or wrong at this moment. I don’t even care if, in her sleep, she thinks I’m Toby. That’s how desperate I am to touch her again, and the fact that she’s asleep makes it possible.

  At least this way she can’t show with angry eyes, or tell with angry words, just how much she now despises me.

  Then, in her sleep, she whispers, “Lucas, I love you,” as a tear rolls down her face.

  At this moment, I don’t give a damn how desperate a move this was. It is not only worth it but gives me … hope. I kiss away her tear.

  I told Tommy that she deserves a better man, and I vowed to become that, no matter the time it took. With all my heart, I know I can. More importantly, I know I would never give up trying to be that for her.

  I hear footsteps approaching from just outside and quickly move to the ladder and climb up to the loft where I lay like a thief in the dark.

  Through the wooden railing, I watch silently as Toby lays in bed next to Tessa, holding her in his arms.

  I listen as Tessa mumbles something incoherently, and he asks, “Sorry, Tessa, did I wake you?”

  She jerks a bit and turns her head in his direction. “No, I had a dream.”

  “Wasn’t about me, was it?” Toby asks, pushing away that same strand of hair.

  Hell no, it wasn’t, I want to scream.

  “No, it wasn’t,” she admits.

  “Tessa, what happened?”

  “It’s complicated. Very, very complicated.”

  Understatement of the year, I think.

  “Do you want to share?”

  Who the fuck is this guy? GI Joe or Oprah?

  “I don’t know. I feel weird telling you about my issues with Lucas,” Tessa admits.

  “Tessa, this is me. You and I have known each other forever. Don’t start acting different with me because we kissed. I won’t let things be weird. As I’ve said, I saw what was going on as soon as I asked you to the dance and quickly figured out why you had no date.”

  “What gave it away? I mean, at first?”

  “You sending me to ask Alex permission should have been my first clue. The Tessa I know and love doesn’t ask permission for anything. But that didn’t give it away. It was the quarterback. When I asked Alex, he sneered ‘no, you can’t’ at me through clenched teeth.” He chuckles.

  “Seriously?” She laughs.

  What did you expect, Tessa? You set me up!

  “So, did you have …?” Toby starts to ask.

  “Toby! You’re really going to ask me that?” she interrupts.

  “Why not?” he asks.

  Because it’s none of your fucking business, dick.

  “No. But I did get drunk and come onto him. He didn’t do anything.” Tessa sighs. “Toby, why do you think he didn’t?”

  “He cares about you, Tessa. Just seems like the kind of guy who doesn’t know how to show it. Maybe he’s afraid. Maybe he’s a virgin.”

  Maybe you’re a douchebag, I want to scream.

  Tessa laughs. “He’s not. I was going to be unlucky number thirteen,” she whispers the number.

  “Damn.” Toby chuckles.

  Tessa tells him about Sadi, and the Three Bs, as she calls them, and about the many times she offered herself to me. She tells him about the good things, too, and that she loves me and that I said those words to her, too. But she doesn’t tell him the more personal stuff. Not about the abortion or the drunken mother or absent father. She holds my secrets safe. Then she tells him about the day she stopped at my place and how she froze, and that she never thought it was possible to be numb and still feel the pain she felt since that night. It crushes me. She tells him about Marie being number one, and what she said about Toby being her number one. They laugh at that. But it, too, hurts like hell to hear.

  “You are going to get through this, Tessa, and I’m going to help you,” Toby t
ells her then asks, “You know how you felt when you kissed me tonight? And not the ones that were part of the scandal.”

  Fuck, I can’t hear this shit. I need to get out of here.

  “Yes,” she says softly.

  “What did it feel like?”

  “Like it was enough, like it wasn’t rushed, like it would be there whenever I wanted it,” Tessa says, and my ego bursts like a balloon and flies out of control.

  “Okay, and what about with him?” he asks.

  If my cool wasn’t on the line, I’d throw myself over the railing and risk an injury right now.

  “I couldn’t get enough,” she says, “and I wanted more.”

  Okay, much fucking better. I link my hands behind my neck and get comfortable.

  “Tess, you know me, right? You know that, if I tell you something, it’s the truth. You know, if I promise you the moon, I’m going to do whatever it takes to get it for you. I’m safe and comfortable. I’m not going to hurt you and, in your heart, you know that, even though we’ve never had a conversation like this, even though we never had feelings like this for one another before, right?”

  “I guess. But I did have a crush on you the summers you helped with hay.” Tessa sighs.

  Just fucking great.

  “And I’ve already told you that I know your heart and love it. So, with the quarterback, it’s not like that. You are so eager to please him—”

  “All right, Toby, I get it. I don’t know him. I haven’t formed a relationship with him based on trust and friendship, right?” She begins to cry, and I have to force myself again not to jump. “It was starting, I was starting to trust him with my heart, Toby, I really was, and then I don’t know what happened. I don’t know why he would cheat. I truly would hate to think it was over a bikini wax and mani-pedi.”

  He chuckles. “Do you talk to him as freely as that?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Bikini wax?”

  “No, he didn’t know that until I told him today. I told him I wasn’t going to go through that pain for nothing and sort of alluded to the fact that—”

  “I get it, but you can’t talk like that to someone without driving him crazy.”

  “Why doesn’t it bother you?”

  “It’s all about self-control. If I want a relationship with you someday, I know I need to pace this. I need to let you grow a bit more into the woman I know you’re going to become. If I check out the new do, I’m not thinking that pace would remain, so let’s not talk about that.” He pauses and chuckles uncomfortably. I know that sound—dick is thinking with his dick. “We should go to sleep, please.”

  “Oh,” she tells him, “you should think about dead puppies. Are you a virgin?”

  Toby laughs and, although it’s funny, I refuse to. “No, Tessa.”

  “So, how many women have you been with?”

  “Four.”

  “Oh.” She sounds surprised. “Is four a lot?”

  “More than it should be.”

  “So, twelve is like way too many?”

  “Different paths, Tessa. Don’t judge; just try to understand. Everyone has their own journey to walk. But, for you, Tessa, two is too many, got it?”

  She yawns. “Uh-huh.”

  Minus the four women and his lips on my girl, this guy should be wearing sandals and walking on water, I think.

  “What are you doing tomorrow?”

  “Children’s choir practice and running are all that I have planned.” She yawns again.

  “I have family to visit, but after that, can I take you on a real date? One with no pressure or expectations?”

  “I would love that.”

  Scratch that, he’s still a dick.

  She rests against him, and they fall asleep while I lay high above them, feeling like I may get sick.

  I watch as Tessa, who always wakes up earlier than anyone else, walks out to the back porch. She stretches and yawns, looking at the sky. The sun is shining, and there isn’t a cloud in the sky. She walks to the outhouse then washes her hands in the creek and squats beside it, watching the water run. She hugs her knees, closes her eyes, and takes a deep breath, allowing the fresh, crisp fall air to fill her lungs.

  I know I should stay put, give her the chance to have her alone time, but right now is probably the only time I get her alone and have any hope of her listening.

  I step from one stone to the next, crossing the creek, and she stands, watching me.

  “Good morning, Tessa.” I shove my hands in my pockets, because I have no idea what else to do with them.

  “Good morning. Did you stay last night?” she asks, looking around, confused.

  “I did.”

  “Where did you sleep?”

  “In the loft.” I watch her reaction and expect a glare. She surprises me with an eye roll.

  She crosses her arms. “Did Marie stay?”

  “Of course not, Tessa. You know I wouldn’t bring her here.”

  “Do I?”

  “Tessa—”

  “No big deal. You should have. Opportunity missed. I guess that’s too bad. I mean, the connection you two share must be wonderful.”

  “How was your date?”

  She does glare now and, sick but true, it’s hot. “You should know; you were on it with me.”

  I lock eyes with her. “Yeah, all the kissing was awesome to watch.”

  “Oh, I’m so sorry. Maybe you can go with me tonight so you can watch me give him a blow job, Lucas.” She tries real hard to sound strong but, her voice quivers. “Maybe I can see if he will kick your ass after I screw him.”

  “Good morning, Tessa. Hello, Lucas,” GI Jock Itch interrupts as he walks toward us.

  “Could we have a minute, please?” I ask through my fucking teeth.

  “Tessa, is that all right with you?” Toby asks.

  “Sure.” She shrugs, eyes still locked with mine.

  Toby walks away.

  “I’m sorry, and I wish you would let me explain the situation you walked into the other night,” I whisper.

  “Um, well, sure, let’s hear it,” she says.

  “I was stoned and drunk, and—”

  “Why?” she interrupts.

  “It was a rough afternoon,” I say with zero expression.

  “Because I went to get my nails done?” she asks. “Because I wasn’t there to Lucas sit?”

  Pissed, I point out, “It’s not at all about you.”

  “No, it’s not, but you hurt me, and you won’t have the opportunity to do it again. I’m done here.” She begins to walk away.

  Fuck, fuck, fuck. Redirect.

  “Stop, Tessa, please. Just one more thing, and I won’t say another word.”

  She turns and raises her little nose in the air, in what I suppose is an attempt to appear to look down at me. Cute, and if shit wasn’t already sideways, I’d point out I tower over her, so unless I get her a step ladder, it’s really ineffective.

  Instead, I stick my tail between my legs, because I have to make this right, and ask, “Can you be my friend for a while? I have some things to work through, and I don’t want you to not be in my life. So, can we try to be friends? Please?”

  She hugs herself and looks from one eye to another a few times. If last night’s GI Leno wasn’t proof enough that she’s confused, the way she looks now would erase all doubt I have to go easy and do this right.

  I take a few cautious steps toward her then grab her shoulders nice and gently, watching her lip quiver. Then, when I know she’s not going to pull away, I hug her. She sinks right in, and I am reminded how perfectly she fits with me and how perfectly I fit with her. She fists my shirt and rests her forehead against my chest.

  “I know I don’t deserve you, Tessa, but please don’t count me out. I have never needed someone’s love as much as I need yours. Be my friend. If that’s all you can give, I’ll take it. But I need you to know that I love you, and someday, with some work, you’ll never doubt that again.
” I press my lips to the top of her hair and inhale. Then I kiss her quickly before untangling our arms and releasing her.

  I wait until I watch her take in a breath and let go of my shirt. Then she looks up at me, turns, and walks toward … him, and then I watch them walk away.

  Tommy comes out of the cabin and waves for me to come to him.

  I follow him to his car and get in. We sit in silence until we get to the road.

  “How are you doing, man?” Tommy looks over at me.

  “Fine.”

  “Answer a question?”

  “Sure.”

  “Why did you bring Marie to the dance?” he asks.

  “I needed to see her, and I didn’t have a date.”

  “You want Tessa back?”

  “Yes, very much.”

  “Want some advice?” Tommy asks, and I nod. “Stop bringing your crazy exes around.”

  I chuckle. “Wasn’t like that.”

  “Then, what are you doing, Lucas? Because I’m confused.”

  “I’m getting better, Tommy, for her,” I say. “And for me.”

  Tommy nods. “I’m so glad you finally feel you’re worth it. So, what are you doing today and tonight?”

  “Laundry and cleaning today. Not sure about tonight. Any plans?”

  “Going to Jade’s to meet the family after church. Wanna come?” Tommy asks.

  “No, thanks. You have fun with that.” I smirk, knowing how nervous he is about meeting her dad. He says he can’t hide how much he wants Jade.

  “Go to church with me?”

  “Sure. What time?” The car swerves, and I grab the wheel. “Watch the road.”

  “Sorry, man. But, just so we’re clear, you did just say you’d come to church with me, right?” Tommy seems shocked.

  “Yes, buddy, I did.”

  “Wow, I think you love her.”

  “I do, Tommy, I do,” I say. “I just wish it wasn’t so hard.”

  “If anyone can win a girl over, it’s you. Just give it time.”

  “Tommy, the road, please,” I insist then laugh and point out, “This is why I always drive.”

  The rest of the ride is silent, except for the music playing on the radio.

  Tommy pulls into my driveway and puts the car in park. “Okay, church at—”