Blue Love : Blue Valley High — Senior Year

by Mj Fields

  Pissed again, she raises her voice. “You know, I wish I recorded the stuff you said to me when I finally talked to you after two fucking weeks that started this shit again. I was doing fine.”

  “I wish you recorded it, too, because you’re certainly not living up to your end of that conversation. What happened to your rules about being friends, Tessa?”

  She huffs, “Oh please, I certainly wasn’t alone.”

  “Yeah, well, it’s kind of hard to say no to hand job.”

  “So, in the yearbook under weaknesses, will yours say Sadi begging to be fucked and a hand job or just—”

  “You’re acting like a crazy ex,” I cut her off.

  “And you just shattered my already broken heart.”

  And that shatters mine, but it has to happen.

  “Anything else, Tessa?”

  “Drive safe when you come home … asshole,” she whispers softly.

  “Will do. Is that it?”

  “No.”

  “Then let’s have it. Come on, TT. Let me have it. Get it out of your system now.”

  “I love you!” she cries.

  “Dammit, Tessa.” I take a deep breath then say, “Goodbye.”

  Thankfully when I get to my Dad’s, the house is empty. I run up to my room and into the bathroom, where I kneel down and try to steady my breathing, but even that doesn’t help ease the tearing pain that will not go away inside my chest.

  This is what heartbreak feels like sober. It sucks.

  I fell asleep before the guys came home from day two and woke up from that awful dream, when unfamiliar hands and an unfamiliar voice was trying to calm me.

  “Tessa, wake up, sweetheart.” He sits next to me and pulls my head on his lap.

  “I’m sorry,” I whisper, completely and totally embarrassed.

  “Tess, girl, you need to wake up.” Thankfully, he starts to stand.

  “Please don’t go. She needs you,” Kendall says, startling him.

  “Care to explain?” he asks, and I think, Please don’t.

  “She has bad dreams since Sadi started being mean.”

  “Sadi?” he asks.

  Kendall sits up. “New girl at school. Just hug her, talk to her … Just make her stop crying.”

  “Little Ross,” he begins.

  “Kendall, my name is Kendall. Just hug her or something.”

  “Should I get your dad?”

  No! I scream inside.

  “No. She wouldn’t want to upset him. Just …” Kendall sniffs. “Just help—”

  “Okay, kiddo, does she have a favorite song?”

  “Pearl Jam.” Kendall sniffs again. “She likes Pearl Jam.”

  So, he sits there and sings to me, and he sings well.

  Stretching, I feel a body beneath my head then hear a voice.

  “Hey, Tess, good morning.”

  I flail and sputter, “Hello. Oh Jesus, I’m sorry.”

  Ben smiles. “From what I understand, it happens often.”

  “Did I …? I mean, can you tell me what happened?”

  When he tells me, I’m relieved that it was just what I remember and that there was no kissing or any of the other stuff that Lucas said I did to him.

  “What did you sing?” I ask, not remembering the song, just that he had a good voice.

  “‘Small Town,’ a Pearl Jam song.” Ben laughs. “Little Ross told me you liked them.”

  “I love that song.” I yawn as I sit up.

  “Well, maybe we need to try playing music at night,” Ben suggests.

  “Did I kiss you?”

  He smirks and shakes his head.

  “You know I’m a train wreck, right?”

  Ben grins. “We can fix that. What time do you have to be at school?”

  “Eight. Why?”

  Ben laughs. “It’s seven fifteen.”

  “Where’s Alex?” I ask, jumping up and running toward the door.

  Ben follows me down the stairs. “I assume in the woods. Get ready. I will take you to school.”

  I shower and dress. Then, as I’m drying my hair, Ben walks in, sits on the floor, and starts feeding me fruit.

  When I’m done drying my hair, I start to put it in a ponytail.

  “Are you crazy?” Ben he grabs the scrunchy. “Leave it down, Tess. It’s gorgeous.” He runs his hand through it. Then he takes my hand and pulls me out of the bathroom, into the kitchen, and grabs the bagel and water bottle off the counter, “Let’s get you to school.”

  He opens the car door for me and shuts it. When he gets in, he doesn’t tell me to buckle my seat belt. He hands me the bagel.

  “Eat this.”

  By the time I get to school, I’ve finished.

  “Thanks for last night, this morning, all of it,” I say, getting out of the truck.

  He gets out, too, hurrying around to give me a big hug.

  “Whore,” Sadi sneers as she walks by.

  “Good at it,” I yell to her retreating back as Ben steps away.

  “Really?” He laughs.

  “No, not really. Ben, you should know I’m far from that. I have kissed two guys, and I’ve never had sex.” I shrug. “So, no, I’m not a whore, but if that’s what she needs to think, then I’ll let her.”

  “What’s her name?” Ben asks, and I tell him.

  “Same chick Kendall mentioned?”

  “There is only one, so … yep.”

  “Hey, Sadi!” he yells “Check this out!”

  Ben draws me into him, pulls my hair back gently, and then he kisses me. A slow, soft kiss, too. His lips taste like mint, and he is a damn good kisser.

  “That makes three, and they say the third time’s a charm.” He pulls me toward him and kisses me again. “Do you have to go to school, or can you stay home and do that with me all day?”

  “Ben, that was …” I shake my head. “I have to go to school.”

  He grins. “When are you done?”

  “Three.”

  “Okay, I’ll see you then,” he says.

  Inside the school, I run to the pay phone, drop in some quarters, and call him. He doesn’t answer, so I leave a message.

  “I woke up screaming last night, and you weren’t there. He was. Kissed the boy when he dropped me off at school today. You weren’t there. Probably tonight, when I scream in my sleep, I’ll be thinking of you and do more than kiss the boy. That should make you very happy. And maybe, by then, I won’t hurt each time I kiss the boy because I’m missing you.”

  Then I hang up.

  Carrying a hangover and heartbreak in the same body is exhausting, but I manage this while also managing to avoid any run-ins with Lucas’s past … and future.

  At the end of the day, walking out of the hell that my senior year at this high school is, I see Ben waiting by his big truck in the distance and, unlike Lucas when he sees me, he has a huge smile on his face. And, just like Lucas, his smile falls and his head snaps right, now scowling at Sadi, surrounded by her bitch posse.

  Fuck this, I think as I walk toward him.

  “You’re Tessa’s new friend?” Sadi asks him.

  “You’re the bitch that was talking shit to her this morning?”

  I slow down and allow myself to enjoy seeing him give her just the tip of what she deserves.

  Sadi smiles. “Well, that’s no way to talk to a lady.”

  He crosses his arms and looks around. “I’m looking around, and yet I’m not seeing a lady.”

  He looks toward me and nods in my direction. “My bad. I see one now.”

  Sadi huffs, “What’s your name?”

  “That’s none of your business,” Ben sneers.

  “The farm girl seems to get all in my business. My man is living at that farm now, so I’m just returning the favor by trying to get to know hers.” When she sees me coming, she points at me. “Keep her away from him, and I just may leave her alone.”

  Ben looks back at her and shakes his head. “Lucas is a big boy. I think he can t
ake care of himself.”

  She rubs her belly. “In a few short months, he’ll be taking care of more than just himself.”

  Ben throws his head back and chuckles. “Oh, now I see. You’re pregnant?”

  “Yep, and he and I will be happy as long as you take care of the trash.” Sadi flashes teeth.

  The look he gives her would force a normal teen girl into a freaking eating disorder. “You know that’s no way to keep a guy, right?”

  She narrows her eyes. “Well, now that’s none of your business, is it?”

  I finally step in. “Hey, Ben, is she bugging you?”

  “No, Tess, she isn’t. I feel sorry for her skank ass, though. And even more sorry for our friend, Lucas.” Ben glares at Sadi as he takes my bag then pops a kiss to my cheek. “You ready to go?”

  “Oh, look at you two. Someday, you’ll probably be raising pigs together on that farm of yours,” Sadi says.

  I shake my head as I turn to get into Ben’s truck but leave her with a dose of reality. “And you’ll be living with your momma in a dump, with a baby that Lucas didn’t want as he ruins his life for a bitch like you.”

  When my hair gets yanked and she grabs my face with her other hand, digging her nails into my cheek, I fight the instinct to pound the piss out of a pregnant bitch.

  Her hands are suddenly pulled off me, and Ben yells, “Get in, Tess; she isn’t worth it.”

  I turn and watch him lift her off her feet and carry her back to the bitches standing there, watching. He drops her at their feet and demands, “Now act like fucking ladies and care for your bat-shit crazy friend.”

  He walks back and opens the driver’s door, pushes the seat forward, and then pulls out a first-aid kit.

  Thinking it’s a bit overkill, I flip down the visor mirror and look at myself. “You have got to be fucking kidding me.” A few more inches, and she would have reopened the wound still healing from my field hockey game. Instead, I have a new injury.

  Now at my door he says, “Turn around and let me clean that up.” When I turn, he cringes. “Sorry, Tess, this is gonna sting, but I don’t want to see you catch whatever it is that rabid bitch may have.”

  He’s right; it stings.

  As he steps back, I thank him, and he leans in and kisses me.

  “Thanks, Ben.”

  Sliding in the driver’s side, he asks, “So you and Lucas—”

  “We’re not a thing.” Not anymore.

  “Damn, I feel sorry for that kid, and for Lucas.”

  “Me, too,” I whisper.

  Ben puts the vehicle in drive and pulls out of the parking lot. Through the rearview mirror, I see Sadi’s friends placing hands on her belly and gushing. Apparently, the cat’s out of the bag.

  When we approach the four-way stop, Ben turns and looks at me. “Is he sure she’s pregnant?”

  “What do you mean? He had sex with her, and I guess she showed him a test results.” I shrug.

  “I mean, has he been to the doctor with her?”

  “I don’t think so.”

  “As crazy as her ass is, I can’t believe he slept with her. He should have more proof than a damn stick that she may or may not have pissed on.”

  Butterflies stir things up in my stomach, the bad butterflies, and I feel like I’m going to get sick.

  As soon as he puts the truck in park, he jumps out, runs to the passenger door, and opens it.

  Kissing my forehead, he asks, “You wanna go to camp and see what I got today?”

  We have left high school drama and arrived back at hunting camp. I laugh to myself. “Does it have horns?”

  “No, spots and a pacifier still in its mouth.” Ben laughs, and I smack him.

  Stomping toward the house, I call behind me, “Then no. I have to get ready for rehearsal, anyway.”

  “When do you get home tonight?” Ben calls from behind me.

  Opening the door, I call back, “About nine!”

  “See you then.” Ben laughs then asks, “Hot tub date?”

  I look over my shoulder. “I’m mad at you, remember?”

  He winks. “You’ll get over it.”

  As soon as I walk in the house, I grab the phone and hurry to the bathroom, where I call Lucas. It goes directly to his voicemail.

  “I got jumped today. You need to come home and put that bitch on a leash.” I hang up then lean in closer to the mirror so I can get a better look at my face.

  A few minutes later, I’m fixing my hair when the phone rings.

  “Hello?”

  “Who jumped you, Tessa?”

  Lucas.

  “The same girl you need to come back to and put a leash on. Who else? Sadi.”

  “Are you all right?” he asks, voice shaking in anger.

  “No.” My voice breaks.

  His tone softens. “What happened, Tessa?”

  I tell him the entire story, and he says nothing.

  After a brief moment of silence, I ask, “Lucas, have you gone to the doctor with her?”

  “No, I didn’t need to. She showed me—”

  “What if she’s not really pregnant?”

  “Tessa, I wish that were true.”

  “Okay, well, I just think you should do that,” I suggest softly.

  I wait a few beats before he responds.

  “You going to be okay?”

  “Are you?”

  “I have to be, and so do you.”

  “Okay, then. I miss you, and I’m sorry for the other day, truly.” Then I whisper, “Can you please come home?”

  “I will see you soon, Tessa. Later.”

  I got my ass chewed and threatened to be grounded by mom, which is laughable because all I do is go to school, come home, and go to rehearsal. My fun? Working at Aunt Josie’s bar. Then I went to rehearsal. It was a nice reprieve, getting to pretend to be someone I’m not, taking on their angst and heartache, allowing me to leave mine behind.

  When I arrive home, the kids are already in bed, and Dad and Alex are probably still at camp. I decide to skip dinner and go to bed.

  I set an alarm for eleven p.m.; that way I will hopefully wake before that reoccurring dream happens. I’m not worried the alarm will wake Kendall. She clearly sleeps through almost anything. Or, at least, I think she sleeps through most of it. But Lucas did say she scolded him when he stopped coming in. Either way, it’s better for me to wake up and possibly disrupt her sleep that way than it is for her to see me in a different man’s arms. Well, I guess any man’s arms, for that matter.

  I wake with my eleven o’clock alarm to find Ben standing in the doorway. “You missed our hot tub date.”

  I laugh. “I’m not getting in a hot tub with a Bambi killer.”

  He holds up a tape. “Might have a solution to your sleep problem.”

  I pat my bed. “Then I guess you can come in, Bambi slayer.”

  Ben pops the tape in the boom box next to the bed.

  Alex leans in my room and asks, “Did Ben tell you he got a six point today?”

  I look at Ben then back to Alex. “No, he told me he killed Bambi.”

  “Your sister’s hot when she’s pissed. I couldn’t help myself.” Ben chuckles.

  We all laugh.

  When the music begins, it’s soft. No electric guitars, no loud base, just soft.

  I look up at Ben. “What is this?”

  “Just a mix of music that’ll put you asleep, Tess.” He taps the doorframe a couple times before walking away.

  After Ben leaves my room, I give it a few seconds to make sure he’s in bed, and then I open the nightstand drawer and pull out Lucas’s mixed tape that I kept from the other day when we cleaned camp. Putting it in, I cry myself to sleep.

  I’m dreaming … and he’s here.

  He’s sitting on my couch, my legs resting across his lap, and dream Tessa sits up. She crawls across the expansive couch, closing the space between us. She touches his face while whispering a prayer.

  “Don’t wake up, Tes
sa, don’t wake up.”

  Dream Tessa sits on his lap and pulls his shirt over his head, wanting and needing to remove the barrier between them. She kisses the place above where his heart beats and whispers, “This should be mine.”

  In the dream, he hugs her tightly and makes a sound that tells her he, too, is in pain.

  Then dream Tessa whispers, “I love you, Lucas. Run away with me.”

  Dream Lucas hugs her even tighter.

  “I love you. Please don’t ever leave me again.”

  Chapter Thirty Seven

  The week flew by fast and, as luck would have it, Benji left once I returned. Might have had something to do with me making sure that he saw me walking into her room and carrying her downstairs when she woke up crying.

  But Friday, after basketball practice, the dipshit is back.

  I watch him get out of his jacked-up truck. You know, the kind the guy in the locker room with the smallest dick drives. That kind.

  Jade, Tessa, and Phoebe are too busy putting together charcuterie boards and vegetable trays to notice, and I don’t give them a heads-up, because I want to see how she reacts to him without a heads-up.

  When he walks in, all googly eyes and smiling, he immediately says, “Hey, Tess, did you miss me?”

  I watch her look up, and her eyes come to me first, as they should, and then to him.

  She doesn’t address the question, which gives me more satisfaction than it should. She simply says, “Hey, Ben, how was your trip up?”

  “Well worth it.” Ben winks at her then looks at me.

  Being the dick I am, I wink at him.

  He shakes his head slightly and looks at me like I’m a joke.

  I look at Tessa, and she must have caught my wink, because she is looking down and silently giggling.

  Refocus, the one-winged angel on my shoulder reminds me. Only one winged because any angel sitting on my shoulder has to have fucked up enough to be sentenced with such a punishment. Should note that there is no horned monster on the other shoulder, because God knows I’m already full of the devil.

  I walk by and reach around her, grabbing a piece of cheese off her board and whispering, “Damn, Tessa, could you at least look at the poor guy? This is painful to watch.”