Yes, I knew that he didn’t deserve to be hurt. Yes, I knew that it was in my power to protect him.
I didn’t go back to my dorm. Instead, I took a walk around the campus. With curfew looming in front of me, I didn’t have long to be alone. But I needed to be. I had to make a decision, once and for all.
As my chest ached, I remembered the way my own mother had looked at me when I’d admitted the truth. I’d seen the heartbreak in her eyes. I hadn’t been her daughter since. Her little girl disappeared when I became a mother. But for me it wasn’t that simple. Yes, I’d become a mother, but so much of me was still a teenage girl trying to find her way.
I made my way to the hideout and curled up in the pile of pillows on the floor. All I had to do was stay there. I could disappear and all the weight on my shoulders would disappear with it.
Gabriel’s mother wasn’t wrong. He deserved more than what I could offer him. He certainly didn’t deserve to be hurt.
I closed my eyes as I recalled the way it felt when I’d handed my daughter to my aunt. I knew she would be safe. I knew that she’d be loved. I knew that she’d be happy. Most of all, I knew that she didn’t belong with me. But that didn’t change the fact that I loved her.
I felt the same about Gabriel. I’d made the right decision for my daughter; could I do the same for him?
My heart shattered at the thought. As I’d come to realize not long after discovering I was pregnant, I was destined to be alone. Yes, it would hurt to let him go, but in the long run it would keep him from suffering.
I forced myself to my feet and began to walk back toward the dormitories. I could leave Oak Brook. That would probably be the easiest way to solve the problem. But where would I go? My mother had fought to have me placed back here. No other school would be willing to except me. I doubted that I’d do well roaming the halls of a public high school.
No, I had no choice but to stay at Oak Brook. I would need my friends more than ever. That only left me with one option.
Relieved to see that Maby was already asleep when I arrived home, I headed straight for my room and crawled into bed.
I stayed awake most of the night, going over his mother’s words in my mind. It wasn’t easy to admit to myself that she was right, but I had no other choice than to accept it.
The next morning, I turned off my phone. I wouldn’t read his texts. I wouldn’t see his phone calls. I would just get through the day without ever saying a word to him. The first day would be the hardest, I knew that. I also knew that I had to do it.
As I walked toward my first class, I heard him call out my name. I didn’t look over my shoulder. I just quickened my pace. I heard him call out to me again.
I stepped through the door of my classroom and closed it behind me. If that didn’t make it clear that I didn’t want to talk, I didn’t know what would.
My stomach stayed in knots as I dodged him right up until lunch. At lunch, I knew that if I weren’t there, he would find me in the library. I decided I would hide out behind the gym again. If I could just keep my distance long enough, I was sure that he would lose interest. At least, I hoped that he would.
I sat back against the bench and closed my eyes.
I wouldn’t lose interest. I’d think about him every second of every day just like I had since the day I’d met him. I remembered the smell of his skin and the softness of his touch. I remembered the way he looked at me, as if I meant the world to him. No one had ever looked at me that way before.
My chest ached as I realized that more than likely no one would look at me that way again.
With my thoughts wrapped up in a mixture of anguish and self-pity, I didn’t notice the sound of footsteps. I didn’t feel the presence of someone right behind me until I felt a hand on my shoulder.
“Gabe?” I turned to look at him and found Maby instead.
“I’ve been looking everywhere for you.” She sat down beside me. “What are you doing out here alone? Why aren’t you eating with us?”
“I can’t.” I stared down at the pavement under my feet. “I’m hiding out.”
“I get that.” She narrowed her eyes. “No one ever comes back here. That’s why I looked for you here. What I don’t get is why. Why are you hiding back here?”
“Gabriel.” I sighed as I rubbed my hands across my knees.
“Did he do something to hurt you?” She jumped to her feet. “I will knock him out right this second!”
“Stop it!” I groaned. “He didn’t do anything wrong. I’m the one who did something wrong.”
“What do you mean?” She sat back down beside me. “What happened last night?”
“I had the most amazing time with him. We sang together. He wrote me a song.” I rolled my eyes. “He couldn’t be more perfect.”
“And then?”
“And then I ran into his mother.”
“Oh boy.” She frowned. “I’ll bet that wasn’t pleasant.”
“No, it wasn’t. She made it clear to me that I was being selfish.” I clasped my hands together.
“What does she know? She shouldn’t be interfering in her son’s life. Or yours. She should stay out of it.” Maby shook her head. “She should back off.”
“No.” I squeezed my hands together tighter. “She’s not wrong. I’m the one that’s wrong. She’s just trying to protect her son. Gabriel lost his dad not that long ago.”
“That’s terrible. But what does that have to do with you?”
“She’s worried that I’m just going to break his heart and that he won’t be able to handle it after everything he’s already been through.” I met Maby’s eyes. “So, I decided that I need to do my best to avoid him.”
“I see.” She frowned. “Because you agree with her?”
“I’m not sure if I agree, but I can understand why she feels the way she does. I mean, who would want me dating their son?”
“Jenny, don’t talk like that. You’re a wonderful person and Gabriel would be lucky to have you.” She frowned. “But I know that you said you wanted some time to get yourself together before you even considered another relationship. Has that changed?”
“Not really.” I narrowed my eyes. “I just never expected Gabriel to show up. I never could have imagined feeling this way about someone. I had no idea it was even possible.”
“Even after Chuck?”
“It’s so much more intense than anything I ever had with Chuck. So much more real.” I took a deep breath. “But that doesn’t matter. What matters is that if he stays with me, he’s bound to get hurt and I can’t do that to him. Not when he’s already lost his father.”
“And you don’t think this is hurting him?” She lowered her voice. “He’s been searching for you all day. At lunch, I thought he might even call the cops to form a search party. If you really think he’s better off without you, then you need to at least tell him the truth. Letting him wonder—it’s going to hurt more than anything else you could ever do.”
“You’re right.” I sighed. “I’ll tell him the truth. I just have to figure out what that is.”
Chapter 29
Music class was the problem. I couldn’t exactly skip it. But I also had no idea how I would face Gabriel. After an entire day of avoiding him, I was sure that he would have questions. How would I dodge them?
On my way to class, my phone rang. I glanced at the name and saw that it was Chuck. I still hadn’t set a time to meet up with him.
I sent the call to voicemail and pulled open the door to the music classroom. Melodies from an assortment of instruments greeted me. I noticed that Gabriel’s guitar sat untouched on its stand. I’d beat him to class? That seemed impossible since I’d arrived a little late.
“Oh, Jenny, I do hope that you and Gabriel will continue to practice on your off hours. I’m really looking forward to seeing you both play together in the talent show.” The teacher smiled at me as I walked over to my piano. “I was so disappointed to hear that he’d been moved out of this c
lass.”
“What?” My eyes widened.
“Yes, I guess he needed an extras science class, so he had to be switched out of music.” She frowned. “But the music room is always open for you to practice in. Okay?”
“Okay.” I sank down onto the bench in front of the piano. Was this Gabriel’s choice or his mother’s? My heart ached at the thought of his missing out on playing because of me. But it was for the best, wasn’t it? I didn’t have to face him. It would allow us to keep our distance from each other. Obviously, I wouldn’t be able to play with him at the talent show.
My shoulders sank as I realized what my future looked like without him in it. All the excitement that our relationship had built up within me faded. I’d be alone. Sure, I’d have my friends. Maybe I’d even make some new ones. But I would still be alone.
“It’s not about me.” I frowned as I ran my fingers across the keys on the piano. I needed to find a way to let Gabriel go. It was the only way to protect him.
As I played one of my favorite songs, I thought about a time when I’d played it for someone in particular. Chuck. He’d been bugging me for weeks to play him something. So I’d finally done it. He’d clapped, but I could tell that he didn’t really like it. He wasn’t the classical music type. He liked his hard rock and whatever was new on the radio.
As class came to an end, I pulled out my phone. Maybe Chuck was exactly the distraction that I needed right now—something to at least take my mind off the sting of losing Gabriel.
As I walked through the courtyard toward the dormitories, I pulled up his number.
As the phone rang, I sat down on a bench near the entrance of the dorms. Part of me hoped that he wouldn’t answer. Then I wouldn’t have to leave a message. I wouldn’t have to admit that I was ready to talk to him again. But after the fourth ring, I heard a familiar voice.
Hearing it stunned me. I couldn’t come up with a single word to say.
“Jen?”
I closed my eyes.
“Hey.” His voice softened. “Thanks for calling me back.”
“I’ve been a little busy.” I cleared my throat.
“I know.” He paused.
I sat in silence, with only the faint buzz of the phone line between us. I realized in that moment that I’d made a mistake. I wasn’t ready. Not even close.
“I should go.”
“Wait. Don’t hang up.”
“Why?”
“Please.” He sighed. “I’ve been trying to reach you for so long. We really need to talk.”
“There’s nothing to talk about.”
“You’ve made that clear.” An edge of frustration entered his voice.
“Chuck.”
“I’m sorry.” He took a deep breath. “I didn’t want it to be like this. I know you want me to leave you alone. You’d be happy if you never heard from me again. I tried. I tried to just let everything go.”
“I’m not angry with you.” I looked down at my shoes as I realized that my words were true. I wasn’t angry at him. There was a time when I had been—when he’d been avoiding my calls and acting like I didn’t even exist. I’d felt as if I’d never meant anything to him.
“I saw the pictures.”
“Oh?” I smiled. “Of the baby?”
“Yes.” He cleared his throat. “Wow.”
“I know. She’s beautiful.”
“She really is. Jen, I need to see you.”
“Why?” I bit into my bottom lip.
“Please, just meet me.”
“I’m not sure that’s such a good idea.” I tightened my grasp on the phone.
“We’ve never talked about any of this. We’ve never talked about how things ended. I just want a chance to see you, face-to-face.”
I fell silent as I considered the possibility. I really did need something to take my mind off Gabriel.
Chuck wasn’t wrong. Other than signing the adoption papers, we hadn’t talked about any of it. We hadn’t even really ever ended things between us. Not officially.
“Okay.” I braced myself as I agreed to the meet.
“Really?”
“Yes. When?”
“Tonight?”
“Tonight?” That took me by surprise. Was I ready to see him that soon?
“If we don’t meet tonight then I know one of us will think of a reason not to. Can we please just meet at the cafe? You know, the one down the street from Oak Brook.”
“Yes.” I held my breath, then released it with some force. “Yes, I’ll be there. Around seven?”
“Seven.” He sighed. “Thanks, Jen.”
I hung up the phone. My heart pounded at the thought of seeing him again in just a few hours. We’d met once or twice when we were arranging the adoption. We didn’t speak more than a few words to each other. But now, we’d be face-to-face, alone. No lawyers, no parents. We could say anything we wanted to each other.
My mind spun with all the things I wanted to say to him. My heart ached with all of the hurt that had collected there over the months of silence from him.
As I stood up from the bench to go into the dorm, I heard Gabriel call out my name.
“Jenny!”
I started to turn away.
“Don’t you dare.” He jogged up to me before I could reach the entrance of the dormitory. “Just stop for one second. Please.”
I closed my eyes and took a breath.
“Jenny.” He caught my hand and stepped in front of me. “Why are you avoiding me? Is it because of the music class? That wasn’t my choice.”
“No, I’m sure it was your mother’s.” I pulled my hand free of his, despite the fact that his touch sent bolts of electricity through my skin.
“Don’t worry about her.” He looked into my eyes. “She’s just grieving too, like you said.”
“Maybe.” I looked away from him. I couldn’t look him in the eye and pretend that I didn’t want to embrace him. I couldn’t even glance at his face without thinking about the kiss we never had a chance to share. “I have to go, Gabe.”
“No, you don’t.” He stood his ground in front of me. “What is going on? I saw you this morning and you acted like I didn’t even exist.”
His words struck me hard. Wasn’t that how Chuck had treated me? How could I do this to Gabriel?
I did my best to ignore the guilt that washed over me.
“This is just how it has to be.” I stepped around him. “Don’t make it harder than it is.”
“Harder on who?” He narrowed his eyes. “Don’t do this. Don’t.” He reached for my hand again.
“Stop.” I locked my eyes to his. “It’s already done.” I pulled open the door to the dormitory and stepped inside.
A part of me wished that he would follow after me, but when I heard the click of the door closing behind me, I felt relief. He had to get the message at some point, even though it broke my heart to deliver it.
Yes, he was the most amazing person I’d ever met, but he deserved someone much better than me.
Chapter 30
“What was that all about?” Maby met me in the common room just inside the door of the dorm.
“Nothing.” I frowned.
“It didn’t look like nothing. It didn’t sound like nothing.” She followed after me as I headed for our room.
“I don’t want to talk about it, Maby.”
“All the more reason to talk about it.” She followed me into our room, then closed the door behind her. “I want you to talk to me.”
“No.” I turned to face her. “I don’t want to talk about it. I don’t want to think about it. I don’t want to feel what I’m feeling right now.” I pressed my hand against my chest and tried to take a breath. “It feels like I can’t even breathe. I’ve never felt anything like this before. It’s not right for him to suffer because I made a mistake.”
“What are you talking about?” She shook her head. “It’s not your fault that he has feelings for you, Jenny.”
“I
came back here, didn’t I?” I met her eyes. “I came back here and I met him and I let myself pretend for just a little while. I let myself think that I could be just a little bit normal and simply like a boy.”
“You can be.” She took my hands and searched my eyes. “You have an entire life ahead of you. You don’t have to give that up. You don’t have to punish yourself.”
“I’m not punishing myself.” I frowned. “But I also don’t want to punish him. I told you when I first came here that I’m not ready. I’m not going to be ready for a long time. He deserves someone who doesn’t have all this baggage.”
“Then you’ve made your decision?” She raised an eyebrow.
“I don’t know that I’d call it a decision. I feel like there never really was another choice to make.” I sank down onto the sofa and sighed. “I’m going to meet Chuck tonight.”
“Chuck?” She sat down beside me. “Are you ready for that?”
“Probably not. But I doubt that I’ll ever be ready to see him.” I shrugged. “I have no idea what the right choice is anymore. I thought coming back here would help me to feel better. I thought maybe I could find the real me again—the Jenny that I left behind. But it hasn’t worked that way. Instead, I just feel more and more lost. The only time I ever feel as if I have any idea of what I want is when I’m with Gabriel.”
“Jenny.” She took my hand. “Are you sure you want to end things with him?”
“There’s nothing to end. Not really. We never even started.” I pulled my hand free and stood up. “I’m not going to keep making the wrong choices, choices that hurt everyone around me. I’m going to do the right thing and make sure that he’s not going to be hurt. Maybe that’s the only good thing I can do for him.”
“Do you want me to come with you tonight? To see Chuck?” She stood up as well.
“No, I have to do this on my own. It’s way past time to clear things up between us. I don’t want to run or hide anymore. I want to face the truth and then maybe I really can have that future that you’re talking about.”
“You can.” She hugged me. “I promise you can.”
A Fresh Start: A Young Adult Sweet Romance (Oak Brook Academy Book 5) Page 12
