“Thanks, Maby.” I hugged her in return. “Thanks for always being here for me. I know that no matter what I’m dealing with, you’ll always be there to help me.”
“I try.” She frowned as she looked into my eyes. “But I’m not sure about this one.”
“That makes two of us.”
I closed myself off in my bedroom. When Maby knocked on my door to see if I wanted to go to dinner, I claimed an upset stomach. It wasn’t a lie. My stomach was in knots. The thought of seeing Chuck again had me on edge.
As seven o’clock approached, I pulled my hair back into a ponytail. I smoothed my shirt down. I took one look in the mirror. Would he even recognize me? No, my physical appearance hadn’t changed that much, but the eyes that looked back at me seemed so very different.
I left the dorm before Maby returned from dinner. As I walked through the gates of Oak Brook Academy, I considered turning back. I didn’t have to meet him. I didn’t have to show up. I could just run and hide again and maybe never have to face him. But instead, I continued to the cafe. I had to at least hear him out. I wanted to put some things to rest between us.
Still, as I opened the door to the cafe, my heart slammed against my chest. Not too many of the tables and booths in the cafe were occupied. I easily spotted Chuck sitting in one of the booths near the window. The sight of him hit my stomach hard. I took a sharp breath as I considered walking right back out the door. I didn’t have to stay. I didn’t have to talk to him. I didn’t have to relive the pain I experienced when I found myself all alone trying to make the biggest decision of my life.
“Jen.” He slid out of the booth and stood up.
Too late now. I closed my eyes, then opened them again. Handsome as always, with that goofy smile on his lips that had drawn me to him in the first place. He held his hand out to me.
“Chuck.” I stared at his hand, then stepped past him to slide into the other side of the booth.
“Okay, I know you’re upset with me.” He sat down across from me. “I deserve the cold shoulder.”
“I’m not mad.” I looked across the table at him. “I just don’t know what we have to talk about.”
“I wasn’t sure, you know.” He stared down at the table, his hands folded in front of him.
“What do you mean?”
“I mean, when you wanted to give the baby up. I wasn’t sure.” He lifted his eyes to mine.
“Really?” I laughed. “Because the first time you answered one of my texts was after I said I was going forward with adoption. You never were the least bit interested in the baby.”
“That’s not fair.” He frowned. “You didn’t exactly want to talk to me.”
“Why would I? When you tried so hard not to say a word to me?” I narrowed my eyes.
“Let’s just stop.” He sighed. “I didn’t come here for this. I know that I wasn’t there for you.” He reached for my hand again.
This time I let him take it. “No, you weren’t. But you’re right, what’s done is done.”
“I only brought it up because after seeing the pictures of her with your aunt, now I’m sure. I’m glad that she’s with someone who will love her and take really good care of her.” He gave my hand a light squeeze. “You made a good choice.”
“Maybe my only one ever.” I rolled my eyes. “I’m much better at making mistakes.”
“We weren’t a mistake.” He pursed his lips.
“What?” I met his eyes.
“Maybe we should have been more careful. I mean, of course we should have been more careful. But you and I, we weren’t a mistake.” He caressed the back of my hand. “I’ll never see us that way. You don’t really see us that way either, do you? Is everything that happened between us just gone because we let things get out of control?”
“Chuck.” I pulled my hand away.
“Don’t you remember how good we were together?” He sat back against the booth as he looked at me. “I know you do. Don’t try to deny it.”
Chapter 31
Suddenly all the tension I felt toward Chuck vanished. I realized that he wasn’t here to talk about the baby, he was here to talk about us.
“I’m not going to deny it.” I studied him. “We obviously had a lot between us.”
“Yes, we did.” He lowered his eyes. “I got scared, Jenny. You know?” He glanced back up at me. “I know it’s not an excuse, but I was terrified.”
“How do you think I felt?” I stared at him. “I was the one whose body was changing, whose future was put on hold. You don’t think I was scared?”
“I know.” He frowned. “I’ve been so angry at myself for walking away when you needed me the most. I keep thinking that maybe if I’d reacted differently, we’d still be together.”
“I’m not sure.” I shook my head. “After what happened, a lot of things changed.”
“I’m sorry.” He curved his hand over mine again. “I’m so very sorry.”
“I’m sure you are.” I bit into my bottom lip. “And I’m sorry for not trying to involve you more. I know that I sprang the adoption idea on you and then pressured you into it, but I just couldn’t imagine giving this little baby to two kids to raise. You know?”
“If I’d been there for you, if I’d proven to you how much I cared, maybe you would have thought differently. Maybe you would have wanted to keep her?” He shifted on his seat.
“Maybe. But it still wouldn’t have been right. Not for me. There are so many things I want to do, so many places I want to see. I just wasn’t ready, Chuck. I think if you’re honest with yourself, you’ll admit that you weren’t ready either.”
“I know that now.” He nodded. “But I still think about her a lot. Don’t you?”
“All the time.” I sighed.
“Maybe one day we could be a part of her life?” He met my eyes.
“Maybe.” I smiled. “I’d like that. Right now I’m just the strange cousin. But one day she’ll have questions, and we’ll be the ones with the answers.”
“Have you ever thought about what it would be like if I came back to Oak Brook?” He rubbed the back of his neck.
“I’m sorry that you got pushed out of school. I know it’s one of the best on the East Coast and I hate to think that you’re losing out on a great educational opportunity.”
“I’m not worried about the school or the education.” Chuck patted the back of my hand. “I’m thinking about you. How would you feel if I came back?”
“I don’t know.” I sighed. “I’m having a hard enough time sitting across from you.”
“Why?’ He pulled his hand back and nodded to the waitress, who’d brought over two coffees with mine made just the way I liked it. “Sorry, I thought I’d order for us. I hope you don’t mind.”
“I can’t believe you remember my coffee order.” I grinned as I thanked the waitress.
“Of course I do. I remember so much about you, about us.” He took a long swallow of his coffee. “I’ve been waiting for the chance to see you again face to face—to talk about something.”
I studied the tension in his expression. I wondered what exactly he might want to talk about. From the look in his eyes, I got the sense that it wasn’t something I was going to want to discuss.
“Do you remember when we went out for a swim in the river by the stables?” I smiled.
“Do I remember?” He scowled at me. “I remember that you stole all my clothes.”
“Now wait, to be fair, you’re the one who took them off.” I laughed.
“I took them off because you wanted to go swimming.” He rolled his eyes.
“I went in with my clothes on. Nobody made you take yours off.” I crossed my arms and laughed louder as I recalled the afternoon we’d spent together.
“I wasn’t about to ruin a pair of five-hundred-dollar shorts.” He shrugged. “As I remember it, you didn’t seem to mind.”
“I didn’t.” I grinned. “We had so much fun that day.”
“Yes, we
did.” He stared at me, his lips slightly parted and his eyes half-shut.
My heart skipped a beat. I knew that look. I knew it from the many times I’d seen it on his face. He wanted to kiss me.
“I think I should go.” I finished my coffee, then stood up from the table. “It was good seeing you again, Chuck.”
“I’ll walk you out.” He tossed some cash on the table, then followed me to the door. As he held it open for me, my shoulder brushed against his hand. For a split-second I felt the urge to turn into his arms, to feel the strength of them around me.
I forced the thought away and continued out of the cafe. On the sidewalk outside, I paused and turned back to face him. “I can take it from here.”
“It’s late.” He frowned. “I’m not going to let you walk back alone.”
“Not going to let me?” I raised an eyebrow. “Are you forgetting what century we’re in?”
“There’s no need to be difficult about it.” He met my eyes. “I just want to know that you’re safe.”
“Thanks for your concern.” I felt a spike of anger. “I’m not sure why you think you need to be concerned now. Now, I’m safe. Now, everything is fine.”
“I’m sorry. I’ll say it a million times if you’ll listen.” He rested his hand on my shoulder. “I know I have a lot to make up for. I know that it will take you a long time to trust me again.”
“We both have reasons to be a little suspicious.” I shrugged, the weight of his hand on my shoulder reminding me of the times that he’d pulled me close to him. “What happened was nothing either of us expected. But something good came out of it. Maybe things would have been easier if we’d made other choices, but I don’t regret that she’s here.”
“I don’t either.” He frowned. “I just regret that I wasn’t there to help you through it all.”
“To be fair, I probably wouldn’t have let you be.” I searched his eyes. “I wasn’t innocent in all this either. I know that now.”
“You didn’t do anything wrong.” He swept his hand from my shoulder to the back of my neck and shifted a little closer to me. “Jenny, I know that this might be bad timing. I know that you might think I’m crazy. But I can’t walk away from you again without telling you the truth.”
“Then tell me.” I braced myself, uncertain what he might say.
“I love you, Jenny. I loved you then and I love you now. I know that I did everything wrong, but I’m hoping that you’ll give me another chance.” He frowned as he studied me. “Would you even consider it?”
Stunned, I took a sharp breath. Of all the things I expected him to say, professing his love was not one of them. I thought he might be angry. I thought he might want to say a final goodbye. Instead, he wanted to pick things up where we left off.
“Chuck.” I started to pull away from his grasp.
“Please, Jenny.” He guided me closer to him, his fingers strong on the back of my neck. “Just think about it.”
A moment later his lips were pressed against mine and the world around me ceased to exist.
Chapter 32
Flashes of moments we’d shared filled my mind as his lips caressed mine. My heart pounded and my head swam. Hadn’t I dreamed of this moment? All those times he didn’t answer my texts. All those nights I’d stayed awake, unable to sleep as I thought about how things used to be.
Hadn’t I thought that if he just gave me one more chance, our lives could be perfect? Our future could still be what we had hoped for?
I’d thought that for a little while. Then I’d stopped. I’d focused instead on how much Chuck had hurt me. On how I’d been left alone when I’d needed him the most. I’d managed to convince myself that I was much better off without him.
Now, his lips were locked with mine and his arms were wrapped around me as if nothing had changed.
But it had. Everything had changed. I pushed my hand lightly against his shoulders to break the kiss and tipped my head back away from him, despite the fact that those familiar lips chased after mine.
“Chuck.” I breathed his name, then opened my mouth to say more.
“Just think about it.” He looked into my eyes. “Don’t say another word. Just think about it. I wasn’t there for you like I should have been, but if you give me another chance, I’m never going to make that mistake again. I still love you, Jen. I thought maybe it was all in my head, but now that I’ve seen you again, I know. I love you and nothing is going to change that.”
I opened my mouth to speak but he shook his head.
As I closed my mouth again, I expected to feel elated. Maybe happier than I’d ever been. But instead, I felt a sinking sensation. How could he still love me? How could he have ever loved me and turned his back on me the way that he had?
I watched him walk away. I knew that I should say something. But I had no urge to speak. My mind swirled with all that he’d said to me. I’d expected a fight, or at least for him to tell me that he wanted nothing more to do with me.
I hadn’t expected him to tell me that he loved me. What was I supposed to do with that?
I had no idea how to feel.
No, he hadn’t been there for me when I needed him, but he’d been scared. I’d been scared too. I knew how it felt. He had an option to not be involved, but I didn’t.
Could I blame him for running from something I’d wanted to run from too?
As I turned away to walk back toward Oak Brook, I noticed someone walk around the side of the building. My heart skipped a beat.
It couldn’t be. Could it? I felt my cheeks grow hot.
“Gabriel?” I walked around the side of the building and found him trapped. The dumpster blocked the end of the alley. There was no way for him to escape me.
“I know I shouldn’t be here.” He refused to look at me as he attempted to push past me toward the entrance of the alley.
“Gabriel, wait.” I grabbed his arm as he passed me.
“No, it was my mistake. I’m the idiot that followed you.” He jerked his arm free and settled his gaze on me. “But you could have just told me, Jenny. Would that have been so hard?”
“Told you what?” My heartbeat quickened as I realized what might have happened.
“I know you told me that you wanted to take it slow, that you weren’t ready. You’ve been trying to tell me this whole time, but I just didn’t listen. That’s on me, isn’t it?” He shook his head as he stared at me. “But still, you could have just told me.”
“It’s not like that, Gabe.” I tried to take his hand.
“No.” He jerked his hand back. “I think what I just saw and heard makes it pretty clear. At least now I know why you’ve been ignoring me.”
“That’s not why.”
“Then you admit that you have been?” He glanced away from me as he took a slow breath. “I guess that I should have seen this coming. I guess I really am the fool in all this.”
“If you’ll just give me a chance to explain, then you’ll understand everything.” My heart raced as I sensed the coldness in his voice. He’d seen me kiss Chuck, he’d heard Chuck say that he loved me. How could I explain that?
“There’s nothing you can say.” He narrowed his eyes. “There’s nothing you should have to say. We weren’t together, you made that clear. So you want to go back to your old flame, that’s your business. Not mine. But do me a favor. If you ever have someone like me falling all over you again, just be honest about things, instead of stringing the poor sap along.” He shook his head as he stepped out of the alley. “Good luck with everything. I hope you find what makes you happy.”
“Gabriel.” His name stuck in my throat. What came out was too soft for him to hear.
He was already gone, halfway down the sidewalk in the direction of Oak Brook Academy.
What could I say? Could I tell him that I felt the same way about him? And then what? Then he was saddled with me. Saddled with someone he couldn’t possibly have a future with. I didn’t want to do that to him. I’d promise
d myself that I would set him free. Maybe it wasn’t the way I’d hoped, but what he’d witnessed had certainly put an end to anything we might have had.
When I tried to take a step forward, my knees threatened to buckle. All at once the weight of my past year threatened to crush me. I’d watched as the future I’d imagined vanished. I’d lost friends, I’d endured my mother’s lectures, my father’s refusal to even acknowledge the problem, and the hope in my aunt’s eyes as she tried to steer me through all of it.
I’d experienced an intensity of love that I never even knew existed when I looked into my daughter’s eyes, and then I’d made the nearly impossible decision not to be her mother.
More than once, I’d given in to depression and believed that I’d gotten what I deserved. I deserved to be punished, deserved to be isolated, deserved to be hurt by the people I trusted the most.
But that wasn’t what made me collapse against the alley wall for support. It was the memory of the pain in Gabriel’s eyes as he wished me happiness. He’d given it to me when I didn’t think it was something I could ever feel again and what had I done? I’d ignored him. I’d made him feel the way that Chuck had made me feel. I had held a pure and loving heart in my hands and crushed it.
I took a shaky breath and forced back the tears that threatened to fall. Yes, I was a monster, but I’d done it to protect him. Unfortunately, he would never know that.
As I began the walk back to Oak Brook, I felt a sense of loneliness that I’d never experienced before. That’s when I finally let the tears fall. Maybe I’d made far too many bad choices lately, but protecting Gabriel wasn’t one of them.
Chapter 33
I reached the gates of Oak Brook and realized that I couldn’t step through them. Nothing existed for me behind those gates anymore—at least not for the new me.
Seeing Chuck again had made me realize just how much I’d changed. I didn’t feel a rush when he touched me. I didn’t lose myself in his eyes. I did wonder what it would be like to take him back, but I already knew that it wouldn’t be the same. I would never be the same. I was just trying to fool myself by pretending to be part of this world again.
A Fresh Start: A Young Adult Sweet Romance (Oak Brook Academy Book 5) Page 13
