With my stomach in knots, I walked along the sidewalk, away from the school. Maybe if I’d taken the time to figure out who I was before I’d come back, things would have been better. With every step I took away from the school, my heart ached a little more.
No, it wasn’t for the life I used to have, but for the life I almost had. I wanted more than anything to be able to ignore the past and just dive right into a relationship with Gabriel.
But what if everything I felt for him turned out to be an illusion? What if it was just my way of trying to get over Chuck and the past year?
I sat down on a bench and rested my head in my hands. It didn’t even matter now. Gabriel was gone. I’d tormented him, not unlike when Chuck had tormented me. I hadn’t answered his calls or his texts. I’d avoided him. I’d convinced myself that it was for his own good, but the truth was I should have been honest.
As my shoulders trembled with the weight of all the emotions they carried, I tried to think of one bright moment in my life, one memory of being blissfully happy that I could hold onto to stop the rest of the world from crumbling around me.
But that blissful moment was impossible to find.
Every memory I had with Chuck was now tainted with the knowledge that he didn’t really love me. He might claim it. He might wish that he had done things differently—that he’d treated me better—but that didn’t mean that he actually loved me. He’d waited until he thought it was safe to talk to me again, and only then did he start reaching out.
Silly me, I almost fell for it. I almost fell for the story he told about wanting to be a better man.
I stood up from the bench and began to pace back and forth. Alone, in the dark, late in the evening, I knew I was somewhere I didn’t belong. I’d already missed curfew and I’d also left campus without getting permission to go out alone. Still, my fear of getting in trouble wasn’t enough to make me turn back toward Oak Brook.
“Jenny?” a soft voice called out to me.
“Candy?” I turned to face her. “What are you doing here?”
“I’m looking for you.” She frowned. “So is security. I’m glad I found you first.”
“Great.” I sank back down on the bench. “I guess I’ll be getting in trouble for this one.”
“I think they’ll just be happy to know that you’re safe.” She sat down beside me. “Are you okay?”
“I guess.” I looked over at her. Candy and I had never been too close. Mainly because Maby and I were so wrapped up in each other from the start. Now, we were even further apart. I was sure it was because of the pregnancy. “You can go back and tell them that you found me. You don’t have to stay here with me.”
“There’s no way I’m going back and telling them that.” She shook her head. “I just wanted to make sure that you’re okay.”
“Why?”
“Why?” She stared at me. “Because I’m your friend.”
“You’ve barely spoken to me since I’ve been back. I feel like you’ve been avoiding me every chance you can.” I sighed.
“I haven’t been avoiding you. I just haven’t known what to say.” She shrugged. “You and Maby were always so close. I just figured that you were talking to her about everything. But when you went missing tonight, she didn’t know where you were and that scared me. You tell Maby everything. So why didn’t you tell her about this?”
“It was kind of a last minute thing.” I bit into my bottom lip. “That’s not really the truth. I just didn’t know if she’d approve of what I was doing.”
“Meeting Chuck?” She met my eyes.
“How did you know?”
“We’ve kept in touch a little. He said he wanted to talk to you. I told him that it might not be such a good idea. I guess he didn’t listen.” She frowned and touched my shoulder. “It didn’t go well?”
“Nothing ever seems simple anymore.” I closed my eyes. “I keep telling myself that it will get better. But I don’t see anything getting any better.”
“I’m sure it can be pretty overwhelming coming back here—after the year you’ve had.”
“It’s okay, I know you don’t agree with what I did.” I frowned.
“What makes you think that?” She tilted her head to the side.
“Just the way you haven’t talked to me. I know that you lost your parents so young, and I’m sure my giving away the baby would bring up some issues for you.” I shook my head. “It used to be so much easier to make choices. Now I feel like I’m always making the wrong one.”
“I’ll be honest, I don’t know what decision I would have made if I’d been in your shoes.” She sat back against the bench. “But I certainly don’t think you made the wrong one. You did what was right for you and I’ve admired you for how you’ve come back here and tried to get back into the swing of things. I know that can’t be easy.” She frowned. “Yes, it’s just been me and Grandma for a long time, but that has nothing to do with your situation.”
“I’m sorry, I probably shouldn’t have said that either.” I shook my head, then rubbed my hands across my face. “I just seem to make everything worse.”
“Listen.” She rubbed her hand along my back and looked into my eyes as I sat up. “You have people who care about you. You’re not alone in this. No, we can’t make choices for you, but we can be here for you when you’re trying to figure out what to do next. Now, why don’t you tell me what happened tonight? Why are you hiding out here?”
“It’s Gabriel. And Chuck. And—well, everything.” I sighed.
“I saw Gabriel earlier. He looked pretty upset. Did something happen between you two?”
“Oh, I just broke the heart of one of the most wonderful people that I’ve ever met.” I winced. “Nothing too serious.”
“Well, if you don’t feel the same way about him, then it had to be done.” She patted my back. “You did the right thing.”
“All I know for sure is that I’ve never felt the way I do about Gabriel.” I shivered as I finally spoke those words out loud. Hearing them made me realize just how much I meant them.
“Seriously?” Candy looked into my eyes.
“Seriously.”
“Then why did you break his heart?” She gave my shoulder a shove. “What were you thinking?”
“I’m not the right person for him, Candy.” I stood up to avoid another shove. “It wouldn’t be fair to him to pretend that I can be in a normal relationship.”
“I take it back.” She stood up as well. “You didn’t do the right thing. Not even close.”
“What?” I stared at her. “I did what I did to protect him.”
“Oh? And you know so much better than he does what’s best for him?” She shook her head. “No, you did what you did because you’re scared, and that’s understandable, but it’s not fair. Not even a little bit.” She started off toward the school. “You’d better think long and hard about this choice, because I guarantee you’re not going to be sleeping tonight.”
Chapter 34
I stared at the ceiling. I had been staring at it for hours.
“Candy, you were right.” I groaned as I sat up in my bed. I hadn’t been able to sleep, not even for a minute.
Every time I closed my eyes, my mind filled with the memory of the look in Gabriel’s eyes as I’d let him walk away. He’d been warned and he was right. I’d made it clear that I wasn’t ready for anything that could be between us. But that didn’t mean that nothing existed.
My chest ached as I recalled how much it hurt when Chuck had treated me as if I didn’t exist. That’s what I’d done to Gabriel. I thought I was doing it to protect him, but after what Candy had said to me, I had to face the truth.
I’d done it because I was scared. The way I felt about him terrified me. After going through so much, how could I ever risk being hurt again? It nearly destroyed me to lose Chuck, and I hadn’t felt nearly as strongly about him as I did about Gabriel.
So how could I risk that kind of pain once more?
“Or...” I whispered into the darkness. “Or I could tell him the truth.” My heartbeat quickened at the thought. What if I went to him and confessed? What if I admitted that I’d been lying, that I felt jut as strongly about him as he did about me, maybe even more? Would he even care? Would he believe me?
He had seen me kiss Chuck. I could only imagine what he thought about that. Even if I did tell him the truth, he probably wouldn’t care anymore. He wouldn’t trust me, he wouldn’t give me another chance.
“The truth isn’t going to help.” I sat up again and then I stood up. As I made my way into the kitchenette, I heard the door to Maby’s room open.
I froze in the light of the freezer door. “You caught me.”
“I’ve been waiting for you.” She grabbed two bowls and two spoons. “I knew you’d have to make an ice cream run at some point.”
“You were right.” I set the ice cream on the counter, then looked at her. “You’ve really been waiting up all night for me?”
“I knew you weren’t ready to talk about it yet. Just sneaking you in here and making up the cover story to the security officer was stressful enough. I just wanted you to have some time to relax and think things through.”
I scooped some ice cream into each of the bowls. “I guess Candy already talked to you.”
“She did, yes.” Maby pulled herself up onto the counter and picked up one of the bowls of ice cream. “But I need to hear it from the source.” She set her spoon down, then looked at me. “Is it true, Jenny? Are you really in love with him?”
“I think so.” I climbed up onto the counter beside her, then shook my head. “No, I don’t just think it. I know it. I didn’t plan on this happening and I certainly didn’t expect it to happen now.”
“Well, that’s wonderful.” She draped her arm around my shoulders. “It’s a beautiful thing.”
“No, it’s not.” I groaned as I shook my head. “I can’t possibly be with him. Not with everything that happened last year.”
“You can’t just turn love on and off because it’s not convenient. Trust me, I’ve tried.” She stuck a big spoonful of ice cream into her mouth.
“But it is that simple, that’s the thing.” I frowned. “I know that all I have to do is stay out of his way and he’ll move on. That’s why I’m thinking about leaving Oak Brook.”
“What?” Her spoon clattered to the floor. “You’d better not be!”
“I am.”
“Jenny, no! I just got you back!” She grabbed my hand and looked into my eyes. “You’ve got to snap out of this.”
“What do you mean?”
“I mean that ever since you came back you’ve acted like you have something to apologize for. You don’t.” She shook her head. “You did what you had to do and now you deserve to live your life and be happy.”
“I’m not sure that everyone would agree with you.”
“Who cares?” She scrunched up her nose. “Why should anyone else get an opinion on your life? All that really matters is what you think.”
“And maybe what his mother thinks?” I rolled my eyes. “I’m sure she’d fight tooth and nail to keep me away from him.”
“That may be true but that doesn’t mean that she’s right.” She crossed her arms. “If parents had any clue what we actually needed in our lives, we’d all be doing a lot better, right?”
“Funny.” I flashed a smile at her. “But this is serious. Not something to joke about. I just don’t want to hurt him.”
“And what exactly do you think you’re doing right now?” She jumped down from the counter, picked up her spoon, and tossed it in the sink. “If you think seeing someone you believe you’re in love with kissing another man isn’t going to hurt, then you’re nuts.”
I winced as I slid down from the counter as well. “What am I supposed to do? Just let him get involved with me against his mother’s wishes, knowing that it’s too soon for me to even think about trusting anyone?”
“It doesn’t have to be perfect, Jenny. It’s okay to be a little broken and still very loved.” She took my hand as she looked into my eyes. “He doesn’t need you to be perfect. Do you need him to be?”
“No.” I frowned.
“I’m not trying to tell you what to do. I just want you to be sure that you know what you’re doing.” She stared into my eyes. “Breaking his heart—it’s not something that you can ever take back. I just don’t want you to regret it.” She gave me a quick hug, then headed back to her room.
My stomach twisted as I thought about her words. It was something that I couldn’t take back. Facing that took my breath away. I recalled the look in his eyes just before he walked away from me. He’d followed me to the cafe. He’d wanted to speak to me, to demand the truth. What he’d gotten instead was a front row seat to me kissing someone else.
Could I really let that be his last memory of what we had? I sprawled out in my bed and pulled out my phone. As I typed out a message, I felt a weight lift off my chest.
Yes, this was the first step. Whether I would be brave enough to take the next one, I had no idea.
Chuck, it’s over between us. I wish you happiness in your future.
It was simple, but clear. I’d learned to be kind from a wonderful person even in the face of hurt—a person who might never want to speak to me again.
As I continued to stare at the ceiling, I tried to imagine what it would be like to confess the truth to him. Would he laugh in my face? Would he walk away? Would he tell me it was too late? Or would he pull me into his arms and deliver the kiss that I’d been waiting for? My heart fluttered at the thought.
Suddenly I realized that the one possibility—that he might actually take me back—was worth the risk of all the other terrible outcomes. I realized that I’d do anything to have him look at me with love in his eyes again.
Chapter 35
Waiting for dawn felt like an eternity. I could see the colors begin to brighten up the sky, but the campus was still quiet. It would still be an hour before the first classes started. It would be several hours until lunch. Could I wait that long? If I didn’t say what I had to say to Gabriel, I thought my heart might burst.
With my thoughts still swirling, I dressed and walked out into the courtyard. Would he even listen? Would he even look at me?
My hands clenched into fists as I began to consider going back on my decision. Could I really handle that kind of rejection after everything I’d gone through over the past year?
My heart pounded at the thought. I had to be willing to risk it if I wanted a chance with him. He’d put everything on the line when he’d told me how he felt and maybe he didn’t have as much to lose, but he had to be terrified at the time. I’d rejected him, even if in my mind it was to protect him.
All that mattered now was telling him the truth. Maybe that would at least ease some of the hurt he’d experienced, even if he had already moved on.
I wandered in the direction of the music room. I hoped that a little playing might help settle my emotions.
When I stepped inside, I saw him right away, perched on his chair, with his guitar strapped over his shoulder.
“Gabriel.” I took a sharp breath. I wasn’t prepared to see him. Not so suddenly. I needed time to think of the perfect thing to say.
“Jenny.” He looked up at me. His eyes lingered on mine for a few seconds, then he looked away. “I can leave so you can have time to practice.”
“Maybe we could play together.” It was the only thing I could think of to keep him in the classroom with me. I needed him to stay.
“I don’t think that’s such a good idea.” He frowned.
“Just for a few minutes?” I sat down on the piano bench and began to run my fingers over the keys.
“Jenny.” He sighed as I began to play.
Seconds later his guitar joined in with the keys I struck. Tears flooded my eyes as I listened to our melodies blend into one beautiful song. I could hear the sadness as I played, the soft key strokes, the mournful sound that poured forth from the piano.
He reflected the sound as he played his guitar.
I noticed the sound of his guitar get closer as he walked up behind me.
My chest ached with the urge to tell him everything all at once. I pulled my fingers off the piano and turned to face him.
“Gabriel, I didn’t kiss him. He kissed me.”
“And?” He let his guitar rest against his chest as he looked at me. “What does it matter who kissed who? He told you he loved you and you made it clear that you’re not interested in me.”
“Because I thought I was protecting you.” I reached for his hand and felt a jolt when my fingers wrapped around his. “I don’t love him, I never did. I didn’t even know what love was when I was with him.”
“You thought that rejecting me, telling me that you didn’t feel the same way—somehow you thought that was protecting me?” He stared at me. “Does that really make any sense to you?”
“I just didn’t want you to be burdened with me.” My stomach lurched with the admission. “I just wanted you to find someone better.”
“Better?” He ran his hand along the curves of my cheeks and wrapped his fingers around the back of my head as he stared straight into my eyes. “There’s no one better than you, Jenny. No one.”
Blown away by his words, my heart skipped a beat and my breath caught in my throat. Would he kiss me? I’d never wanted him to more. I watched his lips, listened to the sound of his breath, and waited for the tilt of his head.
“But I’m not going to push you into anything that you’re not ready for.” His hands fell away, his fingers combed through my hair in the process, then settled at his sides. “You’ve made it clear that you’re not ready and it’s not fair of me to push you. After what you’ve been through, you need time to heal, to figure yourself out. I swooped in here out of nowhere and I know that’s not what you expected. I don’t want anything between us to be forced.”
A Fresh Start: A Young Adult Sweet Romance (Oak Brook Academy Book 5) Page 14
