“Gabriel.” I shook my head as I stood up. “I don’t think it’s forced.”
“Then why haven’t you said it?” He stroked my cheek as he looked into my eyes. “I’ve said it. I love you, Jenny, and I will do absolutely anything it takes to be a part of your life. But you?” He trailed his thumb lightly over my bottom lip. “You can’t say the same, can you?”
I willed myself to speak. I wanted to say everything that had been running through my mind all night. But my heart raced so fast that I couldn’t form a single word.
When his hand came to rest on my shoulder, I shivered.
“I don’t want you to be scared.” He frowned as he searched my eyes. “I would give anything to keep you from ever being scared again. I don’t want to be the reason that you can’t speak or smile. I want to be the reason that you laugh, that you can’t stop smiling, that the world won’t stop spinning for you and your happiness.”
“Gabriel.” I caught his hand before he could pull it away. “I don’t want you to go.”
“Hey.” He pressed his lips lightly against my forehead. “I’m not going anywhere. I’ll be right here—when you’re ready.” He cupped my cheeks and smiled. “I’ve said what I needed to say. When you’re ready to say what you need to say, you know where to find me.”
With that he turned and walked out of the classroom.
I wanted to chase after him, but my feet were rooted to the floor. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t speak. He was right. I was terrified. How could I expect him to love someone who couldn’t be brave enough to love him back?
I could hear the movement of other students in the hall. I knew that the school was beginning to wake up. I didn’t want to be caught with tears on my cheeks in the music room. As I stepped out into the hall, I felt a hand catch my elbow.
Startled, I turned to face the person who touched me.
“Oh, Jennifer.” Gabriel’s mother sighed as she stared at me. “I think I might have been a little too overprotective of my son.” She pulled a tissue out of her purse and offered it to me.
“Thank you,” I whispered as I took the tissue. I had no idea what Gabriel’s mother might want to say to me or whether I could handle hearing it.
“Please, listen to me, Jennifer.” She took a deep breath.
“No.” I took a step back, then shook my head. “No, you listen to me.” I met her eyes. “I know why you’re scared. I know how you see me.” I shrugged. “I can’t deny it. I made a mistake. I had a moment when I didn’t think clearly, and I didn’t make the best choice I could have made. But that doesn’t mean that I’m not a good person. I’m sorry if you can’t see that, but your son can. He can see it even when I can’t.” I took a shaky breath. “And because of him, I believe that maybe, just maybe I’m still worthy of someone loving me. I thought I could protect him by rejecting him. I thought you were right. But I couldn’t. All I did was hurt him. Because he saw me for everything that I am and I didn’t see the same in him. I didn’t see just how brave he is or how strong he is or how purely he loves. That was the only mistake I made.”
Chapter 36
“Jennifer, you’re right.” She frowned as she looked at me.
“What?” My eyes widened.
“I’ve just been so scared. When I lost my husband, all I felt was fear. Fear that bad things could happen to really good people. Fear that I couldn’t be enough for my son, who’d always been closer to his father. Fear that if I didn’t protect him I might lose him too.” She shook her head as tears filled her eyes. “Gabriel is brave. He sees things differently. He loves like his father did, with an open heart. I don’t want to stop him from doing that.” She pulled out a tissue to wipe her own eyes. “And I never should have made you feel the way I did. I’m sorry, Jennifer. I hope that you can accept my apology.”
“I can.” I looked at her through new eyes. I saw her as myself, losing a man as wonderful as Gabriel. How heartbroken she must have been to say goodbye to someone she loved, to the father of her child. Of course she would do anything to protect Gabriel, of course she would be confused about how to do that.
“I’m so sorry for your loss.” I opened my arms to her, and to my surprise, she settled right into them. As I hugged her, I could feel all of the tension in her muscles relax. When she pulled away, she had a faint smile on her lips.
“I can see what he sees in you too.” She touched my cheek. “I hope I haven’t meddled too much.”
“Gabriel knows how much you love him.” I smiled in return. “He knows that you lost someone too. But you should talk to him about it. No one should go through something like this alone.”
“I’ll do that. Thank you, Jennifer.” She hurried off toward her first class as the bell rang.
Students rushed past me, eager not to be late, but I didn’t even notice them. I felt alone with my thoughts. I wanted to be with Gabriel, but he was right. I needed to be ready. I needed to feel joy when he wrapped his arms around me, not fear.
At lunch, Gabriel wasn’t anywhere to be found. I texted him but got no response. I called him and again got no answer. I felt as if he was slipping through my fingers. He’d given me another chance to tell him exactly how I felt and I’d been silent, unable to speak the words that he offered me so freely. But I didn’t want to let fear stop me anymore.
Yes, I’d suffered a loss, both of a boyfriend that I thought I could trust and a daughter that I knew I wasn’t ready to raise, but that didn’t mean that I would lose Gabriel. It didn’t mean that I didn’t deserve his love.
By the time music class rolled around I had a sinking feeling that I’d missed my chance. He said he’d wait, but for how long? Could I really let him continue to suffer and wonder if I felt the same way? My heart raced as I realized that I didn’t want to wait a moment longer.
When I saw the piano, an idea flashed through my mind of how I could get his attention. He wouldn’t be able to ignore it. I cleared it with the teacher, then settled at the piano.
The students in my class gathered around me as I began to play. The teacher held up the classroom phone so that my music would play through the PA system.
As I began to play, I let my emotions flow through the melody. Would he hear it? Would he come to me?
I remembered his caress on my cheek, the way he looked at me as if I was the only person that existed in the world, and the kindness of his words. Without giving myself space to doubt, I began to sing.
“It doesn’t take much, just a look, just a touch and my world is spinning again.”
Moments later, I heard the sound of his guitar. I heard it draw closer as he stepped up behind me. Then his voice joined mine.
“Upside down, inside out, I don’t want to find my way out. Just a look, just a touch, then I’m spinning again.”
I could feel his words rippling through my senses as he leaned close to me. My heart pounded as I turned to look at him.
The music stopped, but I could still hear it as I looked into his eyes.
“Gabriel.”
“Yes?” He smiled as he looked at me.
“You wouldn’t answer my texts.” I blurted out my words.
“You managed to get my attention.” He brushed his hair back from his eyes. “I’m here. Do you have something you want to say?”
My heart raced as I felt the pressure of all eyes on me. All these people knew my history. They knew what had happened between Chuck and me. I could only imagine what they were thinking. Nothing good, most likely.
“Gabriel, maybe we could go somewhere and talk.” I stood up from the piano bench, but he didn’t move back. We stood so close that I could feel his breath as he released it in a frustrated sigh.
“I don’t want to run. I’ve told you that already.” He looked into my eyes, then forced a smile. “I told you what I want. I’m willing to wait.” He took a step back. “But if you’re not ready, you’re not ready.”
“Gabriel, wait.” I reached for his hand.
“Don�
�t.” He drew his hand back but he smiled again. “Not yet. Not until you mean it.”
“But I do mean it.” I took a step toward him, only for him to take another step back.
“I have to get to class.” He turned toward the door.
Just say it! I screamed within my mind. Just tell him how you really feel. Just open your mouth and speak!
I opened my mouth, but nothing came out. Instead, I watched him walk away. How could I possibly let him leave like that again? How could my fear be greater than my feelings for him?
My chest tightened and I could barely take a breath. I felt a hand on my shoulder and glanced up to see the teacher with a small smile on her lips.
“It’s a bit like stage fright, sweetheart, sometimes you just have to jump in with both feet to get through it.” She held up her hands. “Not that I have any opinion on your personal business, but you might want to consider going for it.”
A few of the other students in the class began to clap. It felt odd to hear applause in such a personal moment, but when the others began to join in, their support gave me the boost that I needed. It was easy to assume that everyone had something against me. It was easy to believe that they all judged me for my choices. It was much harder to believe that these people, most of whom I didn’t know very well, had seen something between Gabriel and me that was worth applauding.
I had support. Oak Brook Academy was still my home, and though not everyone might agree with what had happened, they were there for me when I needed them.
With my heart still racing, I realized that I’d let fear win because I’d learned to believe in it more than I believed in love. I’d watched my mother turn her back on me, my father pretend I didn’t exist, my boyfriend ignore me completely, and my friends fade into the background. It had been enough to convince me that real love wasn’t even possible.
But Gabriel had changed all that. He didn’t care if I wasn’t with him, he just wanted me to know that he loved me, even if it took time for me to understand that. He didn’t want to pressure me into a kiss or a commitment, he just wanted me to see in myself what he saw in me.
Tears filled my eyes as I finally did. I saw myself as someone who deserved love, someone who could be brave enough to go for it.
As I ran through the door of the classroom, the applause behind me got even louder. But the nearly empty hallway that greeted me made my heart sink. Where was he? He wouldn’t answer my texts or my calls, I already knew that. Was it too late? Had he decided that he’d been patient enough?
“He grabbed a soda and went that way.” Candy smiled at me as she waved from the end of the hallway. “Go get him!”
With my heart in my throat I headed for the stairs. Maybe if I could catch him, I could prove to him that I really was ready. I burst through the door that led to the stairs and heard a subtle cry of pain.
“Oof!” Gabriel slammed forward against the railing, crushing the soda he held in his hand in the process. Soda sprayed up into the air all around us. “Jenny?” He turned to face me, his face dotted with droplets of orange soda.
“Gabriel, please, just listen.” I touched his cheeks and looked into his eyes.
“I’m listening,” he whispered as he looked back at me.
“I’m not scared anymore. I’m ready.” I started to say something else, but before I could, the draw of his lips distracted me. I could say a million things, but there was only one thing that would really communicate how I felt. I crushed my lips against his.
He smiled through the kiss as he wrapped his arms around me.
I felt every muscle in my body relax for just a second, as I finally felt as if I was exactly where I should be. A moment later, they tensed again with a rush of pleasure as I deepened the kiss.
Gently he pushed me away and looked into my eyes. “Are you sure you’re ready for this?”
“I’ve never been more sure of anything. I’ve been sure of it this whole time. I just couldn’t see past my fear. I’m sorry if I hurt you.” I stroked his sticky cheek.
“Don’t do that.” He smiled as he laced his fingers through mine. “Don’t apologize. We’re going to have moments when we don’t say the right thing, when we’re too scared to be honest. No relationship is perfect. But there’s no one in the world that I’d rather go through that with than you.”
“I feel the same way.” I searched his eyes. “I’ll do whatever I can to prove that to you.”
“Just be you.” He touched his lips lightly to mine. “That’s all I need, Jenny, just you.”
I kissed him again and the world did spin. It spun so fast that I had to hold onto the soda-covered railing to stay on my feet. His arms around me felt like the only thing that existed.
As I smiled through the kiss, I wasn’t scared, not even a little bit.
Maybe it was too soon, maybe I wasn’t ready, maybe everything wouldn’t be perfect, but I was sure that it was a risk I was more than willing to take.
Epilogue
“Again.” Gabriel sighed and stomped his foot against the floor.
“Why?” I groaned and flopped down on the pile of cushions not far from him. “We’ve been practicing all night.”
“And we don’t have it right.” He strummed his guitar and shot me a look of impatience. “We have to get it right.”
“It’s good enough.” I sat up and looked at him. “Why are you so nervous anyway? We sang at the talent show and it was great.”
“This is different. It’s our first paid gig and I want it to be perfect.” He frowned as he looked at me. “Don’t you even care about it?”
“I’m sorry.” I crawled across the pillows, then stood up and walked over to him. “I know how important this is to you. I’m just a little tired.”
“I’ll bet you are.” He sighed as he grabbed my hand. He pushed his guitar aside and pulled me down into his lap. “I’m sorry. I can get a little obsessive when it comes to music.” He looked up into my eyes. “Do you want me to take you back to the dorm?”
“No.” I whispered as I smiled down at him. “I want you to kiss me. The music always flows better after you do.”
“Ah, but we can’t do that in the middle of the gig.” His lips neared mine.
“Can’t we?” I brushed my lips against his.
“Maybe we can.” He murmured his words just before his lips crushed against me.
Lost in the kiss, I didn’t notice when there was a sound just outside the door. Dawn had just broken and I assumed everyone else at Oak Brook was sound asleep and certainly no one was anywhere near the hideout.
Then the door swung open.
Candy burst in, her eyes full of rage as she slammed the door shut behind her. “Never again!”
“Candy?” I nearly fell off Gabriel’s lap. He caught me just in time. “What’s wrong?”
“Everything.” She tossed herself down on the pile of pillows. Then she started to punch them.
“Candy?” I stood up and walked over to her. “Hon, what happened?”
“I don’t want to talk about it.”
“This is about Nicholas, isn’t it?” I frowned as I sprawled out beside her.
“Want me to knock him out for you?” Gabriel took off his guitar.
“Would you?” Candy peered up at him, then sighed. “No. I’m the one that’s being ridiculous, not him. I’m sorry I interrupted you guys. Will you play something for me? I need some kind of distraction before my brain explodes.”
“I know that feeling.” I hugged her. “Sure, we can play.” I stifled a yawn, then pushed myself to my feet. “But I’ll be honest with you. A distraction isn’t going to solve anything. When it comes down to it, you’re going to have to figure out what’s really gotten under your skin about this guy.”
“What do you mean?” She sat up and looked at me. “He’s a royal jerk, that’s what’s gotten under my skin.”
“Sure.” Gabriel strummed his guitar.
“You stay out of this!” Candy hurled a pill
ow at him.
“Watch the guitar!” He huffed, then shook his head. “All I’m saying is that you two manage to spend a lot of time together for two people that can’t stand each other.”
“I don’t care what anyone says.” Candy stood up and placed her hands on her hips. “There is no way I would ever even look twice at that fool. We got stuck together, and every time I think there’s anything decent about him, he goes ahead and proves me wrong.”
“Alright, we’ve got the picture.” I wrapped my arms around her. “Don’t worry, you’re going to get through this. Gabriel, play.” I shot him a stern look.
“Your wish is my command.” He winked at me, then began to strum the guitar.
Candy rested her head against my shoulder and closed her eyes. I plucked a few blades of grass from her hair, then raised an eyebrow.
“What exactly were you two doing until dawn?”
“Sh.” Candy buried her face into my shoulder. “Just sing.”
I frowned as I studied her ruffled hair and her dirty blouse. I had a lot of questions. I wanted answers to all of them. But I wasn’t going to force it out of her, not when I felt the tremble in her body. Instead, I began to sing.
As Gabriel and I sang together, I felt Candy begin to relax. Maybe I couldn’t solve whatever was driving her crazy, but at least I could give her a few moments of peace.
I met Gabriel’s eyes over the top of her head and finally understood what he meant. Music was more than just a performance for him. It was his opening his heart to his audience.
As I opened my heart for Candy, I saw a gleam of admiration in Gabriel’s eyes. This was what he was trying to teach me. I heard my singing shift from words being sung to an outpouring of love for my friend. She might deny it, she might fight it tooth and nail, but I felt the tremble in her shoulders as she clung to me. She might not know it yet, but he’d gotten way under her skin.
A Fresh Start: A Young Adult Sweet Romance (Oak Brook Academy Book 5) Page 15
