The Nectar of Pain
Page 3
You are weak. So weak.
Take my hand. Let me help you.
Please.
You build your self-esteem by breaking others’.
You love yourself by hating on others.
You raise yourself by stepping on others.
You build your empire by sending your arrows
into the hearts of others.
You occupy their peaceful homes and claim them to be yours.
You are weak. So weak.
Because, without others, your home is empty.
Spit your venom.
And listen to me.
Take your arrows out of my heart.
Take your misery out of my home.
Watch me fly on the wings of the pain you caused me.
Watch me soar with the voice you thought I never had.
Watch me love with the heart you claimed I didn’t have.
Wait.
Don’t watch me.
Just get out of my way.
And let me be.
For so long,
you made me feel
that I was weak.
It is you who was weak
for not feeling.
I was the hero
for feeling.
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Your love flies my soul to the moon.
It makes the sun revolve around my heart
and the stars dance in my eyes.
Your tenderness throws me in the ocean.
It plants pearls in my heart
and lifts me to the sky.
Your touch sends butterflies down my veins.
It makes roses grow in my heart
and sews my pains into traces of smoke.
Your strength cradles my heart to sleep.
It beats my heart to life
and breathes my soul to paradise.
I once felt this way
about you.
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I once wrote you:
I don’t care if
the whole world
looks in a direction
opposite from mine.
If you look at me,
the whole world is mine.
I should have written that to
myself.
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Streets
If you knew how many streets I avoid
to avoid you
and memories of you,
you would leave your streets
and your cities.
If the streets I avoided to avoid you
and memories of you
knew,
they would change their names
so you
could find other streets
to put your footsteps on.
If only you knew.
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I wonder at what point
love escaped us and
we
became
you
and
I.
I wonder when
love decided
to escape from our souls.
Or did our souls
let go
of love?
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Prisons
We had a moment
once
when I felt that
we
were
one,
in the same feeling,
in the same soul.
But I’ve come to learn
that these moments
can imprison us for
years
when they were only
moments
followed by many more
that were not
the same.
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I am tired of looking
out the same window,
remembering the moments
I was happy when
I looked out,
because
now all I feel is
sadness over
that happiness
no longer being there.
Rainy days
and rainy windows
imprint moments on
our hearts.
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The moments that you choose to be
silent
when someone’s soul is
screaming at you,
begging you to say,
“My heart is with you,”
those moments leave
scars on our souls
that no amount of excuses can
erase.
If you love someone,
you love them.
You don’t allow your pride to
stop you from expressing your love
to them.
If you expect them to understand
your love through silence,
don’t be surprised when their soul
slips out of your hands in silence.
It’s painful,
you know,
to not know what you mean anymore
to the one whose love was louder than
thunder
at first.
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You changed.
And that is painful.
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The day I fell
for you:
“I don’t feel ready,”
I said.
“We’re never ready,”
you replied.
Now I know that
you were talking about
life,
not just us.
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Opening Up
“I’m sorry if
I stirred up unwanted
memories,”
I said.
After moments of silence,
you said:
“Stirring is good.”
I wish I had never attempted
to stir the chaos in
your soul.
The tornado within you
took me
with it
by accident.
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2:37 a.m.
“Are you awake?”
“Yes.”
“I can’t sleep.”
“You should try.
Sweet dreams.”
That was you drawing me in
and me
resisting
falling for you.
You knew it was wrong.
I wish you had done what was right.
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You told me once,
“You are a good woman.”
Thank you.
You don’t have to say that.
“I don’t say it because
I have to.
I say it because
I want to.”
I wish you never
wanted to.
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The day that uncertainty
finally ended my patience with you,
I said:
“I am so tired of
not knowing
what I am to you.
So I decided to
walk away and
send my love to you
through thoughts
and prayers.”
You said,
“Take a step back.
You’re overthinking again.
Take a deep breath.”
I look back, and I wish
I told you,
I am not
your patient.
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If you ever come back,
I will tell you:
The sun is
closer to you
than I will
ever be.
So burn,
if you wish.
You will not
see the shadow of
me
even if you
become
the sun
yourself.
I am not arrogant,
but you left a scar on my heart
that turns blue
every time I think of
you.
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For every time you ignored me:
You make me
wait for you to
decide
that talking to me
is what you need.
You make me feel like
what I have to say is not important.
You silence me
through your silence.
You cage my heart
through your selfishness,
and when I ask you why
you’re so quiet,
you tell me that
I am being selfish.
Forgive me, your highness,
for taking away from your time.
If you truly cared,
you would apologize for ignoring me,
rather than
bury me
deeper into the ground.
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When I started feeling that
you wanted to walk away:
My heart tells me
that your heart has
abandoned
the idea of
us.
You struggle to tell me that
you no longer want me
because you know,
you know,
that you will hurt me.
So you avoid saying
what needs to be said.
You chain me every once in a while
with a charming word or two.
You give me just enough
hope
to keep me holding on.
What a coward you are
to not be able to face your
own
truth.
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Every time I confronted you for doing
what does not honor
the meaning of
us:
They say that time heals.
And you thought that meant
if you ignored what I said
for a while,
that I would forget it,
that I would come crawling to you,
begging you,
pleading my case,
asking you to forget
what I said.
You thought I would
remind you that my words
came out of love for you,
not wanting to punish you.
No, sir,
no.
If my words are not worth your time,
go find someone else to
care about you.
If my words mean
nothing
to you,
go find someone whose words mean
something
to you.
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We both know the end has come,
but
you do not want to tell me that
because you know that
I am a good woman,
as you told me many times.
To you,
it is much easier
to not say a word.
To me,
I choke on my words
if I do not say them.
What truly hurts me
is that you know
that your silence
infects a storm in my mind,
yet you choose it
oh so
easily.
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Fate Once Told Me
-Part 1-
And after all this time,
fate whispered in my ear and said:
Slow down. Rest your heart.
In my hands, you are not only human.
You are much more.
Some days you will be tested.
Some days you will be the test.
Prepare to be failed.
Some days you will be the archer.
Some days you will be the goal.
Prepare to be hurt.
Some days you will open and close doors.
Some days you will be the key.
Prepare to be used and left behind.
Some days you will be the leader.
Some days you will be a follower.
Prepare to reach a destination other than your own.
Some days you will be inspired.
Some days you will be an inspiration.
Prepare to be just an idea.
You are destined to lose and be lost.
You are destined to walk some people home.
You are destined to wander.
You are destined to see perfection.
You are destined to be flawed.
But if you befriend me, I shall tell you the secret that will free
your heart of its concerns.
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-Part 2-
Worry not about the future.
You might not go there.
Live not in the past.
Its doors are locked.
Its keys are in the skies.
But remember this:
Your heart is a castle.
Guard it with a cage of gold.
Only he who is destined to enter it will seek the key.
Your mind is a kingdom of grace.
Keep its gates high and mighty.
Keep it guarded with your faith.
Befriend silence.
It never betrays you.
You are the master of your journey.
You are the owner of your path.
You are a bird, but unless you fly, you are not free.
But only after your wings are broken will you realize
that freedom is in your hands.
So be free.
I read this to you
once
and you had nothing to say.
Perhaps it’s because you knew
that you were not the one
destined
to enter my heart.
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The difference between
you needing
space for a while
and
you needing space forever is
space makes me miss you
but an end makes me hate you
for leaving when you promised
you’d stay.
Please don’t make me
grieve you
while you’re still alive.
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To you,
I hope that your soul
meets its fate
at the most beautiful,
pure
and spontaneous
moment.
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To those who think that love is a game:
I don't play games.
And I don't play hard to get.
I don't keep you in suspense
or fear that I will leave
out of the blue.
I don't say what I don't mean
just to charm you.
And I don't keep you waiting
just so you can think that I'm too busy
for you
or that I'm not always thinking of you.
Because, if I love you,
and want to spend the rest of my life with you,
I don't want to make you chase me.
I'm tired of running.
If I love you, you will take
a front row seat
in my mind,
because I respect your presence in my life
as my companion
and father of my children.
You will be my number-one priority,
not because I'm weak
or because I'm dependent on your love,
but because I'm a woman,
not a girl.
Love is safe.
Love is vulnerable.
If you want someone who will make you run after her love,
find her elsewhere. That never wa
s
and never will be
me.
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I am going back again to
memories of you.
It makes me stronger
when I see how far
I’ve come
from you.
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We sat in the office of the judge,
the one who was meant to help us
end in peace.
I told you that
if you told me that
you truly cared about me,
and that you decided to walk away
for reasons other than
who I am,
that I would forgive you.
You looked down at your
fingertips,
looked back up,
and said:
“I did not know
that your love for me
was this deep.”
That is when I knew
that you meant everything that you
ever said,
but
you did not know the depth of
your own words.
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My soul is aching for me
to come back to
myself.
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When my soul
aches
to the point of crushing,
the only medicine
I need
are the arms of