The Nectar of Pain

by Najwa Zebian

  or their broken pasts to heal

  the wounds of the broken.

  Thank you for loving me only when

  you needed someone to love you.

  You led me to understand

  that in times of our need for love,

  our hearts are the most beautiful.

  Thank you for leaving me when

  I needed you most.

  You led me to myself.

  You led me to needing my own heart.

  You led me to my voice.

  Don’t you ever think that

  I will hate you.

  You taught me more than

  any book

  could ever teach me about

  love,

  life,

  and authenticity with my feelings.

  OceanofPDF.com

  How many

  times

  do we have to end this

  before

  we really

  end

  it?

  Stop trying to bang

  feeling out of their silence.

  OceanofPDF.com

  I knew that I fell

  from your heart

  the night that

  sleep

  fell from my

  eyes

  because of your pain.

  OceanofPDF.com

  I am tired of looking for

  reasons.

  I know that I am a good person.

  How could

  I

  be the reason

  for this end?

  OceanofPDF.com

  I told you that I was in pain,

  and when you asked me why,

  I told you that you took so much from me.

  I gave you

  love.

  I gave you

  time.

  I believed in you.

  But you turned out to be

  the biggest disappointment

  of my life.

  You asked me what you owed me,

  and I told you,

  “Nothing that you could give me back.”

  Some scars are

  seared

  on our souls

  for eternity to

  witness.

  OceanofPDF.com

  My heart aches in

  corners

  I did not know

  existed.

  OceanofPDF.com

  Flashback.

  “You love too hard,”

  he said.

  “It’s the only way to love,”

  I replied.

  I am tired of

  every person coming my way

  telling me that I am too

  needy for love.

  I am not needy

  for love.

  I just love.

  OceanofPDF.com

  After you said your goodbye:

  One day,

  I will look back to you.

  You will either be the best thing

  that ever happened to me

  or the worst mistake I ever made.

  But what I know for now is this:

  you leaving hurts like death,

  but I owe it to myself to

  not hold on

  to what let go of me.

  So, today, my love,

  I say my goodbye to you,

  too.

  How many times will I say this before

  I stop thinking back to you?

  OceanofPDF.com

  Don’t quickly tell your

  new love

  about your first one.

  Let not your new relationship

  be based on a

  broken one.

  Talk about the life that you both

  want,

  not the life that you had.

  Talk about your pains,

  not your wounds.

  And if you have scars,

  let your scars speak

  their stories

  on their own.

  If you choose not to

  listen to this advice,

  that is okay, too.

  Just be aware of the

  reasons

  that you share what you

  choose

  to share.

  OceanofPDF.com

  For your new love:

  When two sad souls

  meet,

  silence

  of the lips becomes

  so beautiful

  as both souls

  dance in

  understanding.

  OceanofPDF.com

  Allow your eyes to speak

  a story that

  words cannot explain.

  Allow your smile to sing

  a beautiful melody

  to the beats of your heart.

  Allow your heart to beat to

  the rhythm of a happiness

  untold.

  Allow your mind to sail

  a thousand ships to the shore

  of serenity.

  Be brave.

  Be happy.

  OceanofPDF.com

  Don’t seek love

  just to be in love.

  Better wait years for the

  right person

  than wait years

  for the right love

  from the

  wrong person.

  OceanofPDF.com

  If they don’t fall in love

  with your mind,

  their love for you

  will not overcome

  the storms.

  If it was my

  heart that you loved

  and my mind that you

  valued,

  you would have never

  let go

  of my hand.

  OceanofPDF.com

  After I finally accepted your goodbye:

  I told you how much

  I loved you and how much you

  loving me

  meant to me.

  I told you that if

  I looked at my whole life,

  you were one of the best things

  that happened to me.

  I asked you to forgive me

  for all of the hurtful words that

  I said.

  I only said them because

  I was so angry that

  you stopped loving me.

  So you said: “Okay.”

  And I said:

  “This is exactly why we are here.

  I deal with my feelings by

  expressing them, and

  you deal with yours by

  avoiding them.”

  We both went silent.

  You, because you knew I was saying

  the truth,

  and me, because I knew

  there was nothing left to say.

  OceanofPDF.com

  I drowned in your

  sky,

  but you flew over

  my ocean.

  You were never deep,

  but I was brave enough

  to fly

  when my wings were

  still young.

  OceanofPDF.com

  I once wrote:

  I fear one day that

  you will

  forget me like I

  forgot

  myself the day

  I loved you.

  If you forget me,

  and I forget me,

  who will remember

  myself back to

  me?

  Now I know that

  loving someone does not mean

  losing yourself.

  Instead, it means

  finding yourself.

  Un-lose yourself.

  OceanofPDF.com

  I choke on words

  that I want to say to

  you,

  questions that

  I want to ask

  you.

  But I would rather keep them

  inside of me and hurt than

  blame you for

  mer />
  choosing to believe

  everything you said.

  Maybe you meant it all but

  you just don't feel it

  anymore.

  I can't be angry with fate for not

  destining you for me, so

  I will let my words choke on

  my tears because I can't keep trying

  to find what’s no longer

  there.

  OceanofPDF.com

  I take the longest routes

  to avoid the places that

  remind me

  of you:

  the place you told me that

  you loved me,

  the place I told

  you

  that I loved

  you.

  The places that remind me of you

  remind me of

  everything that

  I wanted to be

  to you

  and everything that

  I am not

  to you.

  Wanted.

  Am not.

  OceanofPDF.com

  Breathe love

  into the broken

  pieces of their

  soul.

  When each piece is

  loved on its own,

  they gravitate towards

  one another to become

  whole

  again.

  Put your soul back

  together

  first.

  OceanofPDF.com

  Carry my heart

  with your soul.

  I beg you.

  Rock my fears to sleep.

  Love my soul

  back to life.

  Why was I asking you

  to do what

  I needed to do

  myself?

  OceanofPDF.com

  If you gave them

  once

  the love that they did not

  deserve,

  they will come back for more.

  They will deny that they ever

  caused you pain.

  They will deny that they ever

  poisoned your soul,

  and they will come back

  asking for more.

  You gave it once.

  They know that you will

  give it

  again.

  Why do you fixate

  so much on what they

  might do?

  To heal,

  you should focus on what

  you

  do.

  Not them.

  OceanofPDF.com

  They do everything to

  dim

  your light,

  and then they ask you why

  you’re not shining.

  Broken wings are a sign of

  struggle.

  And strength.

  OceanofPDF.com

  If I could turn back time,

  you would still lie to me, and

  I would still believe you.

  I am made of unconditional belief in

  goodness, and you decided to

  put your goodness to sleep.

  What I believe in defines me,

  not what you say about me.

  And what you believe in defines you,

  not what you say about yourself.

  OceanofPDF.com

  I can’t tell you how to love me, but

  I can tell you this.

  I don’t want wrapped

  gifts or

  wrapped words.

  I want

  sincerity and

  honesty.

  If it doesn’t feel like

  love, don’t

  do it. Don’t

  say it.

  OceanofPDF.com

  You asked me what I wanted

  from you.

  So I told you.

  Speak to me in roses.

  Sing my worries to sleep.

  Rock my sadness away.

  Crown my heart with your

  respect.

  I told you.

  Engulf my heart into yours.

  Because a love like that

  lights up

  any weary sky.

  My sky had been weary for

  way too long

  when I wrote this to you.

  OceanofPDF.com

  I miss you every time it

  rains

  and every time

  the sun shines bright.

  The rain reminds me of

  the purity of your voice,

  and the sun reminds me of

  the beauty of your presence.

  It’s okay to miss you.

  It only means I once loved you.

  It’s not you I miss.

  It’s who you used to be.

  OceanofPDF.com

  I fell in love with you

  little by little

  and in more than one place.

  I left a piece of your love

  in each place

  forever.

  I used to feel drowned in your love

  every time I visited any of those

  places,

  and my face would turn red

  because of the depth of my love for you.

  Now I just feel pain.

  It’s not that I

  want your love back.

  It’s just that I no longer wish to be

  in places where I once felt loved

  and now that love has faded into

  pain.

  OceanofPDF.com

  The harder it rained,

  the more I knew

  that I was falling in

  love

  with you.

  The rain of you,

  the droplets of you,

  were taking away the

  pain

  of me

  and quenching the thirst of

  the soul

  in me.

  Now I know that no one

  can

  take away my pain.

  My pain is my own

  to make my own

  nectar.

  OceanofPDF.com

  Rain planted

  you

  in my heart

  like rain

  cleansed me from

  your pain.

  OceanofPDF.com

  To you,

  The tears that they

  caused you

  can be just tears or

  rain that cleanses

  the sorrows out of

  your soul.

  You choose.

  OceanofPDF.com

  My heart drowned in the venom of

  your words

  as they slithered their way into my

  self-worth,

  broke my faith in kindness

  and tainted my innocence.

  They ran through my veins

  like poison

  and cast the night over my soul.

  But my words were stronger,

  my purity screamed louder,

  and the pieces of my soul

  revolted.

  They reclaimed the throne of

  my dignity that you unlawfully

  occupied.

  I should have known to walk

  away the first time you

  blamed me for

  you choosing to

  break me with your words.

  OceanofPDF.com

  The day you walked into my life,

  I felt like the chosen one.

  How could a king like him

  love a free soul like mine?

  How could he love you, you fool?

  The distance you’d have to run is far.

  Too far.

  And the soldiers of the battles

  you’d have to win are gone.

  Long gone.

  He’s championed wars,

  and you’re still training to fight.

  He’s run marathons,

  and you’re still learning to walk.

 
He’s conquered cities,

  and you’re still learning the maps.

  He’s sailed oceans,

  and you’re still building your boat.

  It must be your foolish mind crafting stories with

  invisible ink

  and reading between lines that don’t exist.

  Then you told me that you loved my smile.

  And the time after that,

  you asked me what perfume it was that I wore.

  I felt so lucky that a man like you

  wanted me in a kingdom like yours.

  And when the gates opened and I entered inside,

  I saw nothing that pleases the eye.

  You see, you worked so hard to build your fort,

  but forgot to tidy what’s inside.

  The years had tainted your every corner

  with the torture that you’d inflicted on every visitor.

  And now I look back and think

  what a fool you were to think

  that you could conquer a queen’s kingdom like mine.

  What a fool.

  OceanofPDF.com

  You waltzed your way into my life

  when you knew that the entry was forbidden.

  I never knew that love could be forced

  into a human’s heart