Take a Break & Have a Laugh Series.
Sexy Security Guard,
Invisible Bricks for Russian Mafia,
Space Rabbit vs. Captain Doomsday
and more!
By Oleg Medvedkov
Copyright 2012 Oleg Medvedkov
Table of Contents
Space Rabbit vs. Captain Doomsday.
The Tale of the Kitchen Timer.
Stupendipity or How I Bought Pencils Against All Odds.
Invisible Bricks.
Sins of Omission.
Thank You!
Space Rabbit vs. Captain Doomsday.
Captain's Log. Supplemental.
"It's been 24 hours since I arrived at Montrix System. It is routine inspection of uninhabited Star Systems and Montrix system is very much uninhabitable. I do not anticipate being here longer then I can help it. Also, I am out of allergy medication. Supply Officer Chomp will pay dearly when I get back. He is very close to being added to my 'Nemesis' list''
Space Rabbit scratched his left ear. 'I should stay off carrots for awhile, can't eat the stuff without my meds'. He hated filling out Captain's Log. In his opinion that was worthless activity more fitting in kindergarten or a secretary school. 'I am a Space Rabbit, damn it! Not a writing monkey!'. He took deep breath and looked at the palm of his hand.
'Computer, anything suspicious going on? Give me good news,' he asked hopefully.
'Nah, man. All clear like, you know, blue skies,' Computer replied off-handedly. 'No, wait a minute, long ears. I think I detect a ship warping in about 100K from here. Yep. Totally. Ship and everything.'
'Put it on-screen. Hail the ship on all frequencies. Tell that Space Rabbit is here'
'Sure thing Man. Done and done'
Big black ship filled the screen. It seemed to consist of angles and triangles that interweaved with each other in very unnerving ways.
'Computer! This monstrosity is giving me a headache! Replace this ugly ship with an image of me during last award ceremony.'
'No prob. Here you go.'
Black ship was replaced with a photo of Space Rabbit, wearing parade uniform and bowing his head to accept a medal of Nebula. A short youngish woman in white clothes, standing on her toes, was vainly trying to put medal over Space Rabbit's long ears.
'Much better. Did ship reply to our hail?'
'Yeah. Some dude named Captain Doomsday wants to talk to you'.
Space Rabbit sighed. 'OK. Put him on-screen BUT make sure that my image occupies the top half of the screen. Leave bottom half for what's his name.'
Screen flickered and the bottom half was replaced with an obese man, wearing dark-blue overalls.
'No mustache at all. Does he think he is a real villain?' Space Rabbit muttered to himself.
'Hello Captain Doomsday. I am Space Rabbit of Galactic Rangers. I repeat - I am Space Rabbit. Identify your purpose for being here and why your ship is so grotesquely ugly.'
'Be Silent, Heathen!' Obese man said. 'I am here on a divine mission.'
'Is your ship's Translator Computer set on Religious Fanatic?' asked Space Rabbit. 'It happens sometimes. Turn the knob counterclockwise, it should reset it.'
Captain Doomsday looked down and fumbled with the controls.
'Darling! Is this better, light of my eyes?'
'No! Turn knob counterclockwise, you fat nincompoop! Not Clockwise'
Captain Doomsday kicked the control panel. 'Your temerity! Your impudence! I've never been insulted like this in my life!'
'Good. You fixed it. Now give me good reason not to arrest you and put you in prison for criminally obese. Make it fast, my ears itch.'
'My reasons for being here are multifold and complicated. Your feeble mind will not be able to grasp it.'
Space Rabbit smiled in a way that would make grown male rhinoceros run to a tall tree, climb on top of it and be very quiet for the rest of the week.
'My feeble mind knows how to count. From 10 to 1. If I do not have reasonable explanation, by the time I count to 1, I will arrest you. 9, 6, photon torpedo, 3.'
'Wait!' Captain Doomsday shouted. 'We are strong men! Kindred spirits! Since you are asking me as an equal I will tell you. I am here to blow up local star. Montrix.'
'Why?'
'I got a gig from Space Craigslist. Someone would pay 1000000 Space Euros. All I have to do is to blow up the Montrix, and email video as a proof to collect the money via SpacePal.'
'You can't go around blowing up Suns. That's illegal.' Space Rabbit said.
'Nah Man. It is totally legal to blow up a Star if a Star System is unoccupied and planets cannot be terraformed. 14th amendment to Space Constitution,' Computer interjected.
'It is still illegal' said Space Rabbit firmly.
'But Why?!' Captain Doomsday cried.
'Two reasons. I said so, and your ship insults my sense of symmetry. I give you 15 seconds to warp out, or I am coming over. I am sure there is a banned substance or illegal movie download for which I can arrest you. Do you want me to count?'
'It is honorable to yield from the position of strength. Sun-Tzu once said...'
'Seven seconds left and you still here. My trigger finger is getting itchy.'
Black ship warped out with 3 seconds to spare.
'Computer, did you do search of Doomsday Ship's Databanks?'
'Totally. Downloaded everything. You can't believe the movies and stuff he has here. There is an uncut version of 'Space King-Kong on Tatoonot 4' with Director's commentaries. Far out, man!'
'Yeah, good. Did you get email address of his client?'
'I did. Why?'
Space Rabbit smiled. 'Set course for Montrix. I do believe we have a Star to blow up and payment to collect.'
***
The Tale of the Kitchen Timer.
Honey Bunny: What's that ticking noise?
Me: Arrgh.
Honey Bunny: Wake up! What's that ticking noise?
Me: Arrgh. I am sleepy. No ticky noise, go back to sleep.
Honey Bunny: There is most definitely a ticking noise. Go check it.
Me: Haven't you seen the Matrix? There is no ticking noise. Go back to sleep.
Honey Bunny: Go NOW!
Me: Why me? I am sleepy. Hey Cat? Go check on it.
Cat ignores my attempts to shift the responsibility and keeps on snoring.
Me: See? Cat doesn't think there is anything to worry about it. No! Don't take my blankey! Don't push me out of the bed. OK! I'll go check it. I'll just take my baseball bat, ok.
Honey Bunny: Put the cat down. He is NOT a baseball bat. My word! You've never even owned a baseball bat in your life.
Me: Damn government cuts! How can a man protect his one-bedroom apartment? Unbelievable!
Honey Bunny: On you go!
Me: Honey Bunny, if something happens to me, please take care of my cat... He is the only good thing that happened to me. Well, after you, I suppose. I know he is a nuisance and all...
Honey Bunny: Dang it! Stop stalling! It is my cat and I've been taking care of HER for six years. Go NOW!
Me: I love strong women. Simply adore them. I have a plan. No, no - hear me out. Let's call your sister, you know, the one with large forearms and a tattoo of an anchor; she'll come by and see what's going on. Ouch! No need to be violent! I was simply exploring other options...
>
Honey Bunny: You know Brenda cannot help it that her testosterone level is abnormally high! As for her tattoos, you know she is a Navy Seal; they all have tattoos. It is mandatory, I think...
Me: One quick question! How do you call a female Navy Seal? Navy Sealette? Navilette? I am curious.
Honey Bunny: Why don't you call her and ask? I am sure she'll be happy to explain. As soon as she gets back from Afghanistan or wherever she is at the moment.
Me: I'll never do that! What if she is doing something important? Like saving a hostage or killing a hostage-taker or both? Do you want me to gamble with innocent lives?
Honey Bunny: No, of course not.
Me: Good. Now, let me back in, I am freezing...
Honey Bunny: Not again! You've been stalling, weren't you?
Me: Never! Give me back your cat; I need something to fend off potential ticking noise makers.
Honey Bunny: Cat stays with me! Take this.
Me: Remote control for a White Noise Machine?
Honey Bunny: Well, do you want it or not?
Me: You know - cats have claws, so if I throw him just right, in the face of the criminal...
Honey Bunny: It is HER and no! What's with you? No cat for you!
Me: Even if I take a remote for white-noise machine?
Honey Bunny: Even then!
Me: OK. One, absolutely last question, and then I am off to face, what I can only presume, my doom. A nightmare that no human can possibly imagine. A terror that sweeps in the night on dark, cold, leathery wings and...
Honey Bunny: What's the question?
Me: Do I have to go if ticking noise stopped?
Honey Bunny: Stopped? What do you know? It did stop.
Me: Whatever it was, it got scared. For it knew I was on my way. The humble human with cold legs and fiery determination to protect his cat. Oh, and you. Say. Can I go back to bed?
Honey Bunny: Yes, of course but before...
Me: But before?
Honey Bunny: You go and check. Just in case.
Me: You are hard one to bargain with. I am off. Think kindly of me, for I do. Think kindly of me, that is.
In 30 Seconds.
Me: Oh horror! All the dead bodies! Rivers of blood! Ok, I am in the kitchen. Sweet Zen-Buddhism! What happened to you humble kitchen timer? Why are you laying on the floor? I hardly knew thee, kitchen timer, but it seems that I always knew thee...
Honey Bunny: Ok, Captain Sarcastic! Rivers of blood, sure. Now you can go back to bed. Oh for God's sake, do not use cat as a pillow!
***
Stupendipity or How I Bought Pencils Against All Odds.
When life throws me lemons, I make lemonade. Well, not exactly lemonade but a slightly alcoholic drink with lemon flavor. OK! Not slightly alcoholic but heavily so, and no lemons are involved. Point is I never let events or slightly built women pin me down or get me depressed.
This month life threw me another bunch of lemons. What happened was - I tried to submit a new word into a Dictionary. That word was Stupendipity. It means: 'The faculty of making stupid discoveries by accident.'
It is one of the better words that I created. Other words that I coined are:
Uniglot - person who speaks only one language and is fiercely proud of the fact.
Noformation - when you have no information to offer but say something anyway.
Greeds - short for Grand Kids.
Womcombats - Combative women of slight built who dated me in the past.
Morfos - People who use the same 4-5 swear words and obstinately refuse to broaden their vocabulary of expletives.
What can I say, I am a wordsmith.
Now, to submit a word, I usually mail a submission letter to 'Supreme Council of Dictionaries, Thesauruses and Books in General'. I did this with my other words, and even though I've never heard back I always assumed that my words were placed on a queue to be added to Dictionaries.
According to 'Supreme Council of Dictionaries, Thesauruses and Books in General' website, submission form has to be filled with a pencil. 0.7 mm. Color - Yellow. Usually I have plenty of these pencils in my house, just in case, but this month, I was completely out of them. So I headed to the nearest Pencil Store to refill my pencil stock, so to speak.
I forgot to mention that I was coming from my biweekly 'Speak and Dress Like a Gangster With No Shoes' meet, that me and 70 other enthusiasts hold at a local Ice-Cream parlor, and I did not have time to change my clothes. I was wearing a very classy outfit, orange suite with black stripes, no socks and a pair of flip-flops.
When I stepped into 'Pencil Emporium', I was greeted by a Security Guard. Who happened to be a woman of slight build. That should have told me that things are NOT going to be easy.
Me: Hello Doll! Don't you look pretty today? I like that oversized pink baton you have there. I need pencils. 0.7 mm. Color - Yellow. 100 units. Do you have them?
Security Guard: You do not have any shoes.
Me: Doll? Focus. Maintain eye contact. I am not a piece of meat. Now - Pencils. Tell me the good news.
Security Guard: No pencils for you.
Me: Your eyes say 'No Pencils', and your hand is stroking your revolver angrily but your heart says 'Yes'. To me having pencils. What do you say, brown eyes?
Security Guard: No pencils for you. Customers without proper footwear will not be admitted to the 'Pencil Emporium'.
Me: Simply delish. Can you repeat the last sentence, only a bit slower and drop all 'Noes' and 'Nots'. You can do it, you Bearcat. Give it a swirl.
Security Guard: You will not be admitted to the store, Sir! Not without shoes.
Me: I like it! Can you call me 'Sir' again?
Security Guard: Sir!
Me: Very good! Now. I understand you have a shoe fetish.
Security Guard: No, I do not!
Me: Remember, first step toward recovery starts with admitting that you have a shoe obsession.
Security Guard: No! Sir, please either go and get shoes or take your business elsewhere.
Me: It is worse than I thought. But I like that you play by own your rules. Admire even. Let me try reverse psychology.
Security Guard: Doesn't it defeat the purpose if you say it out loud?
Me: Wait, wait! Let me try it. I want to buy pencils.
Security Guard: No.
Me: I do not want to buy pencils.
Security Guard: In that case, please go away.
Me: You are GOOD!
Security Guard: Thank you.
Me: Can I have your shoes?
Security Guard: No.
Me: Can you carry me into the store, so I can buy pencils?
Security Guard: No, I won't.
Me: Is there a Wal-Mart in the vicinity?
Security Guard: Yes. Here is the address. I believe Wal-Mart admits customers without shoes no problem. From what I understand even clothing is optional.
Me: Outstanding. Do you know what Stupendipity mean?
Security Guard: No.
Me: You will. As soon as I get me some pencils.
I ended up buying pencils at Target. Apparently even Wal-Mart does not let people with no shoes in. I also ended up dating the Security Guard woman for awhile, and she was the inspiration for another word that I created:
Pinkbatoned - Facilitating an act or instance of division between two or more people by the use of Pink Baton.
***
Invisible Bricks.
The morning felt like any other morning that I could remember. Not that I could remember too many mornings. I dislike getting up before 1PM for, let's say, religious reasons. Anyway, morning was grey. The sun occupied the most unnatural position, right above the horizon as if like me sun was not sure if it wants to get up or not. I looked at the place where my invisible bed should have been and wanted to go back to sleep.
But I could not, for Greatness awaited me. An intelligent reader might ask 'Can't greatness wait till later?' and then smile in a smug and super
ior way. No, it can't! I slowly drank a cup of coffee while going over the plan in my head. After that I started to apply invisible paint on two bricks lying on the table.
I gave ten minutes for the paint to dry. Strangely enough, the paint smells like a freshly baked Danish. That made me hungry so I ate some cat food. Mr. Whiskers won't mind, seeing that two weeks ago he jumped in a bucket of invisible paint and, well, I haven't seen him since. I still feed him; at least I think it is him. There could not be that many invisible cats around, right?
Afterwards I put two invisible bricks in an invisible lead box.
The meeting was supposed to take place at 7AM. First, of course, THEY would call to see if 'the coast' was clear.
At 6:55 AM, my phone rang. 'Damn idiots can't even wait until it is time,' I murmured and picked up the phone.
'Blue Whale, is it you?' heavily accented voice asked.
'Yeah, yeah, me Blue Whale, you Tarzan.' I replied irritably.
'What is the name of your mother?' unperturbed, voice droned on.
'Shiva Naturmort. Are we good? Can we meet already? I don't do mornings well.' I really did not have time for all the spy stuff today.
'Proper procedure has to be followed, comrade,' the voice urged in a didactical manner.
'Of course. I can assure you that neither CIA, FBI, Mossad or, God forbid - Canadian Security Service is laying in wait to try and get their sweaty paws on your ill-gotten rubles,' I raised my voice a bit.
'Comrade, no need to be difficult. We will be at your place in 3 minutes. Do svidaniay.'
I put the phone down. OK. Invisible bricks were ready; Russian Mafia was on its way. So far, so good.
Of course, idiots were 12 minutes late. Knocked on the door was unnecessarily loudly. I shouted 'Door is open, commies!' and put an invisible ski mask on my head.
Two men entered the room. One was 7 feet tall, overly muscular and bald. Second one was smaller, wore a business suite and had a mustache. He also had a briefcase.
Musclehead shouted 'Sasha! There is a headless man here!'
'I am not headless, you imbecile! I have an invisible bag over my head. I do not want to see your faces,' I said to calm everybody's nerves.
'Comrade. That is very impressive. But there is no need to put a bag on your head. I assure you we are here only to complete our transaction'. Mustache said in a soothing tone of voice.
'NO! I do not want to see your undoubtedly ugly faces. Let's just get it done. I have items ready.' I hoped I sounded business-like.
Take a Break & Have a Laugh Series. Sexy Security Guard, Invisible Bricks for Russian Mafia, Space Rabbit vs. Captain Doomsday and more! Page 1
