Bald Musclehead was giving me suspicious looks. 'How do we know you can't see us, headless man?'
'Do you have PhD in Molecular Physics?' I asked
'No, why?' Musclehead blinked.
'In that case I won't be able to explain how. Now are we here to do business or what?' I really needed this meeting to finish fast.
'Of course! Of course!' Mustache said. 'Can we see, eh, the product?'
'You mean invisible miniaturized nuclear bombs that I invented? Yes, of course. Can one of you lead me to the kitchen?'
'Sure think. Fedor, eh, I mean Mr. X, help Blue Whale to his kitchen,' Mustache gave the order.
'Absolutely! Headless man, don't move, ok? I'll take your hand, and we all go to the kitchen.' Musclehead was pleased to be useful.
It only took 4 minutes to get to the kitchen. 'Where is it?' Mustache said.
'First the deposit. Have you transferred it yet?' I asked, even though I knew $200000 was wired to my account earlier this morning.
'Yes. Deposit is on your account. You can check if you like. Now…' Mustache voice was losing its honey fast.
'Yeah, yeah. Hold on to your red oversized pants, Comrade. We are dealing with nukes here. Invisible nukes, which makes them 10 times as dangerous. On the middle of the table there is a Lead Box. Inside of the lead box there are two nuclear devices. 1.5 Kilotons each. Triggering mechanism is this cell phone,' I put an old looking cell phone on the table. 'You press # key, type 1800-87825 and press 'Send' and in 40 minutes Kaboom!' I waved hands for extra impact.
'Clear enough for you?' I said acidly.
'Loud and clear, comrade' Mustache replied readily. 'We will take nukes and as soon as our people examine them, we will pay the rest of the amount'.
'Can't wait. Just don't get killed before you pay me my money. Now go back to Ruskistan, I need to catch some sleep.' I turned around and went to the living room.
Russians left immediately for they did not want to linger any longer then they had to.
I took the bag off my head and chuckled. The image of Russians trying to detonate bricks with a phone I found in neighbor's trash was amusing. However, no time to lose.
I had an appointment with Mexican Mafia at 9:30 and I had to paint another three bricks. Now, where did I put the invisible paint?
***
Sins of Omission.
Dear Diary, it is day 37 of me being a 'Samurai'. Forgive the quotes but I am truly getting tired of this charade.
When Village Elders told me that I have to infiltrate Samurai's ranks and pretend to be one of them, my heart sung for it was a tremendous honor. Finally, my talent will shine like an afternoon sun for all to see. Maybe I'll get a promotion to Junior Ninja 3rd Class. Or even be admitted to Village Council. After all my brother was admitted to Village Council last year and all he had to do was to infiltrate a Portuguese merchant ship and drink three tones of Port that they had. Some people truly get all the breaks.
But enough of day dreams. I did what was requested of me. Infiltration went without a hitch. I was accepted as their own. Right now, I serve under a prominent daimyo and my influence is steadily rising. BUT being Samurai is hard. For example:
Constantly waking up at 11 AM. As a Ninja I am trained to get by on 20 minutes of sleep. Per day. When I am not on a mission or training, I write alternative endings to 'King-Kong'. Not 2005 hack job by Peter Jackson but original 1933 film. Yet samurais sleep as if their lives depend on it.
Sleeping in a proper bed with proper air-conditioning. My Back hurts.
Being rude with help. I am a Ninja, so I am polite. Not because of my superior morals but on the principal that one gets more flies with honey. I still don't understand why one would waste honey this way but who am I to doubt wisdom of the Ancients? At any rate, it is difficult for me to greet peasants with overly loud "Sup Dawg, how's it hanging yo?"
Skipping on Macdonald's bills. Why do they do it? They have the money! I've never seen fatter wallets in my life. What's even more appalling is that Macdonald's stuff is on it. The giggling and tossing of french-fries at each other is intolerable - truly these people have no shame.
Constant pranking. Samurais constantly prank each other. Shortly after I arrived, I found a pink Ninja suite in my locker, and my heart stopped for a second. I thought my cover was blown, and Samurais were onto me. Imagine my surprise when I discovered that it was just a silly prank. 'New guy treatment' I believe that's what Hoshi, Chief Retainer said. He laughed raucously and gave me Hello Kitty Card. 'Now you are one of us!' he roared in my ear. 'Today we going to Geishas. Bring your Xbox! It's gonna be epic!'
And the jokes they play at their Daimyo expense! My word. Once they replaced his horse with a donkey. When Daimyo said 'What's with the donkey?' every Samurai acted as if it was not a donkey but a real horse. Hoshi was saying 'Sire, that is not a low donkey but your mighty steed'. 'No, it is a damn donkey! Bring me a real horse,' Daimyo shouted. Everybody dropped to their knees and started praying loudly to Buddha so that Daimyo's sight will return. At the end, Daimyo got on the donkey and galloped off for his courtesan dislikes when he is late. I remember Hoshi was shouting 'Bless the Heavenly One for Our Lord has seen the light!' and everybody was clapping most annoyingly.
I am starting to question my rationale for being here. Of course, the intelligence discovered is invaluable. I can't even count how many times I found important documents attached to a refrigerator door with a magnet as if it was some sort of child's drawing. Once I found a battlefield plan for attack on Cloud Hill Ninjas in an Ice Cream. Since Cloud Hill Ninjas our enemies, I left plan where I found it but still...
Still, there is no need for me to be here. I truly believe that my three year-old Nephew can do this assignment and with all the candy, ice cream and video games around, he'll have more motivation than me.
It is nearing 2 AM. Our Samurais want to infiltrate the Mansion of the Shogun and put a tiny blue jersey on the Shogun's favorite Chihuahua. I have no idea why but attendance, unfortunately, is mandatory.
***
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Take a Break & Have a Laugh Series. Sexy Security Guard, Invisible Bricks for Russian Mafia, Space Rabbit vs. Captain Doomsday and more! Page 2
