The Complete Plays

by Oscar Wilde

  Enter SIR JOHN and DOCTOR DAUBENY. SIR JOHN goes over to LADY STUTFIELD, DOCTOR DAUBENY to LADY HUNSTANTON.

  THE ARCHDEACON. Lord Illingworth has been most entertaining. I have never enjoyed myself more. (Sees MRS. ARBUTHNOT.) Ah, Mrs. Arbuthnot.

  LADY HUNSTANTON (to DOCTOR DAUBENY). You see I have got Mrs. Arbuthnot to come to me at last.

  THE ARCHDEACON. That is a great honour, Lady Hunstanton. Mrs. Daubeny will be quite jealous of you.

  LADY HUNSTANTON. Ah, I am so sorry Mrs. Daubeny could not come with you to-night. Headache as usual, I suppose.

  THE ARCHDEACON. Yes, Lady Hunstanton; a perfect martyr. But she is happiest alone. She is happiest alone.

  LADY CAROLINE (to her husband). John!

  SIR JOHN goes over to his wife. DOCTOR DAUBENY talks to LADY HUNSTANTON and MRS. ARBUTHNOT.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT watches LORD ILLINGWORTH the whole time. He has passed across the room without noticing her, and approaches MRS. ALLONBY, who with LADY STUTFIELD is standing by the door looking on to the terrace.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. How is the most charming woman in the world?

  MRS. ALLONBY (taking LADY STUTFIELD by the hand). We are both quite well, thank you, Lord Illingworth. But what a short time you have been in the dining-room! It seems as if we had only just left.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. I was bored to death. Never opened my lips the whole time. Absolutely longing to come in to you.

  MRS. ALLONBY. You should have. The American girl has been giving us a lecture.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. Really? All Americans lecture, I believe. I suppose it is something in their climate. What did she lecture about?

  MRS. ALLONBY. Oh Puritanism, of course.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. I am going to convert her, am I not? How long do you give me?

  MRS. ALLONBY. A week.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. A week is more than enough.

  Enter GERALD and LORD ALFRED.

  GERALD (going to MRS. ARBUTHNOT). Dear mother!

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT. Gerald, I don’t feel at all well. See me home, Gerald. I shouldn’t have come.

  GERALD. I am so sorry, mother. Certainly. But you must know Lord Illingworth first. (Goes across room.)

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT. Not to-night, Gerald.

  GERALD. Lord Illingworth, I want you so much to know my mother.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. With the greatest pleasure. (To MRS. ALLONBY.) I’ll be back in a moment. People’s mothers always bore me to death. All women become like their mothers. That is their tragedy.

  MRS. ALLONBY. No man does. That is his.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. What a delightful mood you are in tonight! (Turns round and goes across with GERALD to MRS. ARBUTHNOT. When he sees her, he starts back in wonder. Then slowly his eyes turn towards GERALD.)

  GERALD. Mother, this is Lord Illingworth, who has offered to take me as his private secretary.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT bows coldly.

  It is a wonderful opening for me, isn’t it? I hope he won’t be disappointed in me, that is all. You’ll thank Lord Illingworth, mother, won’t you?

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT. Lord Illingworth is very good, I am sure, to interest himself in you for the moment.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH (putting his hand on GERALD’S shoulder). Oh, Gerald and I are great friends already, Mrs. … Arbuthnot.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT. There can be nothing in common between you and my son, Lord Illingworth.

  GERALD. Dear mother, how can you say so? Of course, Lord Illingworth is awfully clever and that sort of thing. There is nothing Lord Illingworth doesn’t know.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. My dear boy!

  GERALD. He knows more about life than any one I have ever met. I feel an awful duffer when I am with you, Lord Illingworth. Of course, I have had so few advantages. I have not been to Eton or Oxford like other chaps. But Lord Illingworth doesn’t seem to mind that. He has been awfully good to me, mother.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT. Lord Illingworth may change his mind. He may not really want you as his secretary.

  GERALD. Mother!

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT. You must remember, as you said yourself, you have had so few advantages.

  MRS. ALLONBY. Lord Illingworth, I want to speak to you for a moment. Do come over.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. Will you excuse me, Mrs. Arbuthnot? Now, don’t let your charming mother make any more difficulties, Gerald. The thing is quite settled, isn’t it?

  GERALD. I hope so.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH goes across to MRS. ALLONBY.

  MRS. ALLONBY. I thought you were never going to leave the lady in black velvet.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. She is excessively handsome. (Looks at MRS. ARBUTHNOT.)

  LADY HUNSTANTON. Caroline, shall we all make a move to the music-room? Miss Worsley is going to play. You’ll come too, dear Mrs. Arbuthnot, won’t you? You don’t know what a treat is in store for you. (To DOCTOR DAUBENY.) I must really take Miss Worsley down some afternoon to the rectory. I should so much like dear Mrs. Daubeny to hear her on the violin. Ah, I forgot. Dear Mrs. Daubeny’s hearing is a little defective, is it not?

  THE ARCHDEACON. Her deafness is a great privation to her. She can’t even hear my sermons now. She reads them at home. But she has many resources in herself, many resources.

  LADY HUNSTANTON. She reads a good deal, I suppose?

  THE ARCHDEACON. Just the very largest print. The eyesight is rapidly going. But she’s never morbid, never morbid.

  GERALD (to LORD ILLINGWORTH). Do speak to my mother, Lord Illingworth, before you go into the music-roon. She seems to think, somehow, you don’t mean what you said to me.

  MRS. ALLONBY. Aren’t you coming?

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. In a few moments. Lady Hunstanton, if Mrs. Arbuthnot would allow me, I would like to say a few words to her, and we will join you later on.

  LADY HUNSTANTON. Ah, of course. You will have a great deal to say to her, and she will have a great deal to thank you for. It is not every son who gets such an offer, Mrs. Arbuthnot. But I know you appreciate that, dear.

  LADY CAROLINE. John!

  LADY HUNSTANTON. Now, don’t keep Mrs. Arbuthnot too long, Lord Illingworth. We can’t spare her.

  Exit following the other guests. Sound of violin heard from music-room.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. So that is our son, Rachel! Well, I am very proud of him. He is a Harford, every inch of him. By the way, why Arbuthnot, Rachel?

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT. One name is as good as another, when one has no right to any name.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. I suppose so – but why Gerald?

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT. After a man whose heart I broke – after my father.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. Well, Rachel, what is over is over. All I have got to say now is that I am very, very much pleased with our boy. The world will know him merely as my private secretary, but to me he will be something very near, and very dear. It is a curious thing, Rachel; my life seemed to be quite complete. It was not so. It lacked something, it lacked a son. I have found my son now. I am glad I have found him.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT. You have no right to claim him, or the smallest part of him. The boy is entirely mine, and shall remain mine.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. My dear Rachel, you have had him to yourself for over twenty years. Why not let me have him for a little now? He is quite as much mine as yours.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT. Are you talking of the child you abandoned? Of the child who, as far as you are concerned, might have died of hunger and of want?

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. You forget, Rachel, it was you who left me. It was not I who left you.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT. I left you because you refused to give the child a name. Before my son was born, I implored you to marry me.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. I had no expectations then. And besides, Rachel, I wasn’t much older than you were. I was only twenty-two. I was twenty-one, I believe, when the whole thing began in your father’s garden.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT. When a man is old enough to do wrong he should be old enough to do right also.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. My dear Rachel, intell
ectual generalities are always intersting, but generalities in morals mean absolutely nothing. As for saying I left our child to starve, that, of course, is untrue and silly. My mother offered you six hundred a year. But you wouldn’t take anything. You simply disappeared, and carried the child away with you.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT. I wouldn’t have accepted a penny from her. Your father was different. He told you, in my presence, when we were in Paris, that it was your duty to marry me.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. Oh, duty is what one expects from others, it is not what one does oneself. Of course, I was influenced by my mother. Every man is when he is young.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT. I am glad to hear you say so. Gerald shall certainly not go away with you.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. What nonsense, Rachel!

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT. Do you think I would allow my son –

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. Our son.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT. My son – (LORD ILLINGWORTH shrugs his shoulders.) – to go away with the man who spoiled my youth, who ruined my life, who has tainted every moment of my days? You don’t realise what my past has been in suffering and in shame.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. My dear Rachel, I must candidly say that I think Gerald’s future considerably more important than your past.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT. Gerald cannot separate his future from my past.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. That is exactly what he should do. That is exactly what you should help him to do. What a typical woman you are! You talk sentimentally and you are thoroughly selfish the whole time. But don’t let us have a scene. Rachel, I want you to look at this matter from the common-sense point of view, from the point of view of what is best for our son, leaving you and me out of the question. What is our son at present? An underpaid clerk in a small Provincial Bank in a third-rate English town. If you imagine he is quite happy in such a position, you are mistaken. He is thoroughly discontented.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT. He was not discontented till he met you. You have made him so.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. Of course I made him so. Discontent is the first step in the progress of a man or a nation. But I did not leave him with a mere longing for things he could not get. No, I made him a charming offer. He jumped at it, I need hardly say. Any young man would. And now, simply because it turns out that I am the boy’s own father and he my own son, you propose practically to ruin his career. That is to say, if I were a perfect stranger, you would allow Gerald to go away with me, but as he is my own flesh and blood you won’t. How utterly illogical you are!

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT. I will not allow him to go.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. How can you prevent it? What excuse can you give to him for making him decline such an offer as mine? I won’t tell him in what relations I stand to him, I need hardly say. But you daren’t tell him. You know that. Look how you have brought him up.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT. I have brought him up to be a good man.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. Quite so. And what is the result? You have educated him to be your judge if he ever finds you out. And a bitter, an unjust judge he will be to you. Don’t be deceived, Rachel. Children begin by loving their parents. After a time they judge them. Rarely, if ever, do they forgive them.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT. George, don’t take my son away from me. I have had twenty years of sorrow, and I have only had one thing to love me, only one thing to love. You have had a life of joy, and pleasure, and success. You have been quite happy, you have never thought of us. There was no reason, according to your views of life, why you should have remembered us at all. Your meeting us was a mere accident, a horrible accident. Forget it. Don’t come now, and rob me of – of all I have in the whole world. You are so rich in other things. Leave me the little vineyard of my life; leave me the walled-in garden and the well of water; the ewe-lamb God sent me, in pity or in wrath, oh! leave me that. George, don’t take Gerald from me.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. Rachel, at the present moment you are not necessary to Gerald’s career; I am. There is nothing more to be said on the subject.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT. I will not let him go.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. Here is Gerald. He has a right to decide for himself.

  Enter GERALD.

  GERALD. Well, dear mother, I hope you have settled it all with Lord Illingworth?

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT. I have not, Gerald.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. Your mother seems not to like your coming with me, for some reason.

  GERALD. Why, mother?

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT. I thought you were quite happy here with me, Gerald. I didn’t know you were so anxious to leave me.

  GERALD. Mother, how can you talk like that? Of course I have been quite happy with you. But a man can’t stay always with his mother. No chap does. I want to make myself a position, to do something. I thought you would have been proud to see me Lord Illingworth’s secretary.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT. I do not think you would be suitable as a private secretary to Lord Illingworth. You have no qualifications.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. I don’t wish to seem to interfere for a moment, Mrs. Arbuthnot, but as far as your last objection is concerned, I surely am the best judge. And I can only tell you that your son has all the qualifications I had hoped for. He has more, in fact, than I had even thought of. Far more.

  (MRS. ARBUTHNOT remains silent.) Have you any other reason, Mrs. Arbuthnot, why you don’t wish your son to accept this post?

  GERALD. Have you, mother? Do answer.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. If you have, Mrs. Arbuthnot, pray, pray say it. We are quite by ourselves here. Whatever it is, I need not say I will not repeat it.

  GERALD. Mother?

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. If you would like to be alone with your son, I will leave you. You may have some other reason you don’t wish me to hear.

  MRS. ARBUTHNOT. I have no other reason.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. Then, my dear boy, we may look on the thing as settled. Come, you and I will smoke a cigarette on the terrace together. And Mrs. Arbuthnot, pray let me tell you, that I think you have acted very, very wisely.

  Exit with GERALD. MRS. ARBUTHNOT is left alone. She stands immobile with a look of unutterable sorrow on her face.

  Curtain.

  Third Act

  SCENE

  The Picture Gallery at Hunstanton Chase. Door at back leading on to terrace.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH and GERALD, R. C. LORD ILLINGWORTH lolling on a sofa. GERALD in a chair.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. Thoroughly sensible woman, your mother, Gerald. I knew she would come round in the end.

  GERALD. My mother is awfully conscientious, Lord Illingworth, and I know she doesn’t think I am educated enough to be your secretary. She is perfectly right, too. I was fearfully idle when I was at school, and I couldn’t pass an examination now to save my life.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. My dear Gerald, examinations are of no value whatsoever. If a man is a gentleman, he knows quite enough, and if he is not a gentleman, whatever he knows is bad for him.

  GERALD. But I am so ignorant of the world, Lord Illingworth.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. Don’t be afraid, Gerald. Remember that you’ve got on your side the most wonderful thing in the world – youth! There is nothing like youth. The middle-aged are mortgaged to Life. The old are in life’s lumberroom. But youth is the Lord of Life. Youth has a kingdom waiting for it. Every one is born a king, and most people die in exile, like most kings. To win back my youth, Gerald, there is nothing I wouldn’t do – except take exercise, get up early, or be a useful member of the community.

  GERALD. But you don’t call yourself old, Lord Illingworth?

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. I am old enough to be your father, Gerald.

  GERALD. I don’t remember my father; he died years ago.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. So Lady Hunstanton told me.

  GERALD. It is very curious, my mother never talks to me about my father. It sometimes think she must have married beneath her.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH (winces slightly). Really? (Goes over and puts his hand on GERALD’S shoulder.) You have missed not having a father, I suppose, Gerald?<
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  GERALD. Oh, no; my mother has been so good to me. No one ever had such a mother as I have had.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. I am quite sure of that. Still I should imagine that most mothers don’t quite understand their sons. Don’t realise, I mean, that a son has ambitions, a desire to see life, to make himself a name. After all, Gerald, you couldn’t be expected to pass all your life in such a hole as Wrockley, could you?

  GERALD. Oh, no! It would be dreadful!

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. A mother’s love is very touching, of course, but it is often curiously selfish. I mean, there is a good deal of selfishness in it.

  GERALD (slowly). I suppose there is.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. Your mother is a thoroughly good woman. But good women have such limited views of life, their horizon is so small, their interests are so petty, aren’t they?

  GERALD. They are awfully interested, certainly, in things we don’t care much about.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. I suppose your mother is very religious, and that sort of thing.

  GERALD. Oh, yes, she’s always going to church.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. Ah! she is not modern, and to be modern is the only thing worth being nowadays. You want to be modern, don’t you, Gerald? You want to know life as it really is. Not to be put off with any old-fashioned theories about life. Well, what you have to do at present is simply to fit yourself for the best society. A man who can dominate a London dinner-table can dominate the world. The future belongs to the dandy. It is the exquisites who are going to rule.

  GERALD. I should like to wear nice things awfully, but I have always been told that a man should not think so much about his clothes.

  LORD ILLINGWORTH. People nowadays are so absolutely superficial that they don’t understand the philosophy of the superficial. By the way, Gerald, you should learn how to tie your tie better. Sentiment is all very well for the buttonhole. But the essential thing for a necktie is style. A well-tied tie is the first serious step in life.