Forget Me Not

by W Winters

  I try to answer her, I try to think but my memory is so hazy.

  “Do you want to talk about something else?” she asks me, breaking up the throbbing headache and the overwhelming anxiety. Her hazel eyes shine with sincerity. “I just want to talk to you,” she tells me and leans against the wall.

  She’s obviously lying, and it’s then that it hits me.

  This session isn’t about her.

  I’m not here to help her at all.

  I’m not meant to interview her.

  Jay set me up.

  These sessions are all about me.

  Chapter 21

  Robin

  I’m done sleeping alone. Or trying to, rather. Every second that passes is like a ticking bomb and I need to be close to him when it goes off. That, and I can’t fucking sleep. Not without him.

  It’s been days.

  Days of walking on eggshells and finding our footing. But we know who we are and what we want. And I’m tired of waiting.

  The moment my heels hit the plush rug, Toby yawns at the door and stretches. He doesn’t stand as I cautiously walk to the door, but his eyes are on me. He’s slow to stand and make sure I don’t go to the front door. That and the basement exit are the only two doors that set him off. Any other time, he simply follows me like a guardian rather than a warden. “It’s funny that you used to scare me, you know?” I tell the dog as he looks up at me with the widest puppy eyes. I know there’s a beast inside of him that could rip me limb from limb. I’m well aware of that fact. But the animal refusing to leave my side is just a big puppy dog.

  I bend down and pat his head as he walks with me although my heart is racing.

  I don’t think Jay will deny me like he did the first night and if he does, I’m going to fight him on that. I don’t think it will come to that though. He doesn’t want to deny me, just as I don’t want to refuse him of anything.

  We need progress, not perfection, I think as I head to the bedroom across from the basement door. I don’t try to be quiet at all. I want him to know I’m not sneaking around or trying anything.

  The door’s wide open and filled with so much more light than my own room. It’s only moonlight, but the blinds are open and they send stripes of shadows across the bed. They lay on Jay’s bare thighs and chest and all the way up to his chin.

  I stop in the doorway, the floors creaking as I take in a steadying breath.

  “You should be sleeping,” Jay says without turning to look at me. Toby yawns again then arches his back before circling in the hallway behind me. The sound of his paws and the jingle of his tag are so loud. I swallow thickly, ripping my eyes away from him and taking a step into Jay’s bedroom.

  “I thought you slept downstairs,” I tell him and he finally turns to look at me, although the rest of his body is still.

  “It’s different, knowing you’re up here.” His eyes travel down my body slowly, assessing me. The way his eyes heat creates an instant tension in the room that makes me shift slightly, ignoring the way my core heats. Jay has a power over me that’s undeniable.

  I walk toward the bed and sit down on the edge as I talk. “I think that’s a good thing. It’s change, and change is good.”

  My hands rest in my lap as I wait for him to respond. His eyes narrow, and he’s quiet for a long time.

  “Why aren’t you sleeping?” he asks me, although he already knows the answer.

  My throat gets tight as I scoot further into his bed and my knee brushes his. “I want to sleep with you,” I push the words out and then look Jay in the eyes.

  Slowly, ever so slowly, a smile tugs at his lips.

  “Please?” I ask him and he hesitates but then shakes his head.

  “You can’t be here when John comes,” he says although there’s no conviction in his voice.

  I ignore him and simply pull the sheet and comforter down and crawl into bed.

  “You’re getting bold, Robin,” Jay says with a bit of an admonishment, but then he wraps his arm around me and pulls me closer to him. “I love it,” he says with a soft smile.

  I smile into his chest and then look up at him.

  The faint light of the moon filtering in through the windows highlights the sharp lines of his jaw and his rough stubble. I nudge my nose against his chin and he lets out a huff of a laugh.

  “You really should be sleeping,” he tells me and I nuzzle next to him. I wish I felt warm fuzzy feelings, but I don’t. I feel nothing but anxiety.

  “I want to talk,” I tell him and it makes him laugh. A genuine laugh that’s rough and bubbles up from his chest. It’s the sweetest sound to hear, and it reminds me of the first time I heard it. Pure joy from a man so devoid of any happiness.

  “Of course you do.” He runs a hand down his face and lets out an easy sigh before looking at me. “What do you want to talk about, little bird?”

  “Anything,” I answer him. “Just tell me something.” I nestle closer to him, but keep my hands to myself. I love this. This easiness and openness. I want this forever.

  “I feel better now with you,” he tells me and it makes me smile, but the happiness quickly vanishes. “Before I thought it would be better if I just left.” He looks into my eyes as he talks, absently trailing his fingers over the dip in my waist.

  “I thought it would be easier if I was just gone.”

  “That’s a horrible thought to have, Jay and you’re so wrong-”

  “Shh,” Jay shushes me and calms me down by kissing my forehead. “I know that. I could never leave you anyway. Even if you had no idea I was there.”

  His admission only makes me feel that much worse. “I wish I’d been there for you,” I whisper against his chest. I desperately want to rest my hand against his chest, but instead I move my fingers to the front of his pajama bottoms and slip them just over the edge so I’m comfortable.

  “I can’t tell you how many nights I wanted to get in bed with you,” Jay says. “I know it’s wrong. Stalking or whatever, but I wanted it. I wanted to go after you.”

  “I wish you had. I wish you hadn’t waited.”

  “It’s not like I could have shown up and asked you out for coffee.” Jay huffs a chuckle, and it makes my body shake. His large arm wraps around me. “I wish things were different. I wish I wasn’t broken for you.” The smile vanishes as he rubs his eyes and lets out a heavy sigh.

  “We’re broken,” I correct him. I chew on the inside of my lip, thinking about how to word the next question. The one thing that’s really kept us apart.

  “Have you tried to tell John at all?” I ask him and stay perfectly still, staring at the bedroom wall.

  “He hates me,” Jay says as if it’s a fact.

  “He doesn’t.”

  “There’s hate behind the pity. It’s why he doesn’t want to know,” he says and it makes my heart clench.

  “Can we talk about something else, little bird?” Jay asks and then kisses my forehead. “Or sleep?”

  “He’s the only thing holding us back,” I tell him. I need more. I know I can’t push, but I want Jay in my life fully and completely and I need more than this.

  “Us?” he asks.

  “Don’t pretend, Jay. I won’t let you do it, too,” I say and there’s a strength to my voice I don’t recognize. I add, “I love you too much.”

  I want so desperately for him to say the words back to me. I want to hear it although I feel it deep in my soul already. I want him to acknowledge it more than anything.

  It’s quiet for a long moment. My breathing steadies and my eyes drift shut as I listen to the sound of his steady heartbeat and sink deeper into his comforting warmth.

  “Do you love him too?” he asks me quietly a moment later.

  I don’t answer his question. I can’t. Because right now, I know if I tell him the truth, it will break him. And I’ll never hurt Jay. Never.

  Chapter 22

  Robin

  It’s not snooping if you’re looking for something that will h
elp a person you love.

  I’m sure that’s what parents say when they’re searching their children’s rooms and going through their text messages. I need to find something, anything that could show John the truth. Something that’s irrefutable.

  I’m sure all the evidence is burned and left in ashes, but that doesn’t stop me from opening one drawer and then the next in Jay’s bedroom.

  If only I could find something. The thought makes my heart twist with pain. I don’t want to be the one to show him. I don’t want to be there when he’s forced to face who he is. It’s going to ruin him, but only then will all of us be able to heal.

  The sound of the floor creaking makes my eyes whip up to the door, my heart racing. They travel down to Toby and I nearly smile looking at him stretch his back. An easy sigh leaves me, but then I jump at the sight of John.

  I put a hand over my heart and try not to look guilty as I push the drawer back in. I didn’t find a damn thing. Jay isn’t one to keep things. Nothing worth any sentimental value. Nothing that reminds him of his past.

  “Robin,” John says my name low, as if he’s afraid someone will hear him. Jay.

  “What’s wrong?” I ask him as my blood chills and my throat gets tight. “Is everything alright?”

  “I think we need to leave, Robin.” I nod my head once, thinking maybe I could convince him to go to the hospital, but he’s not in the right mindset. He wouldn’t believe a damn thing if I told him the truth.

  I take a hesitant step toward John as he talks, “We can get out of here. I’ll take you home or …to my place?” he asks as if it’s a question. Like I’d need protection from Jay.

  He has no idea it’s him who I need to protect myself from. “John,” I say and his name comes out like a plea.

  “I know you feel guilty,” John starts and I shake my head, turning away from him to look out of the window. I cross my arms, feeling trapped. Not by the solid walls, not by the men I love, but by my past. And hasn’t it always been like that?

  “It’s not about that,” I tell him honestly. “I can’t go now. I see why Jay did this. Why he wants it this way.”

  I turn back to face John, and his expression has fallen. He’s leaving. I’ve failed them both.

  I reach out for his hand and he takes it before telling me, “I can’t do this anymore, Robin; I need you to come with me.”

  His thumb rubs back and forth over my wrist with a soothing rhythm. I lick my lips and look deep into his eyes as I tell him, “I don’t want you to go.”

  “You’re not okay. I can see that you feel like you have an obligation to him. You love him, I get that, but this isn’t right.”

  An uneasy breath leaves me as I watch every little move John makes. My lips part, but my voice is silent. I swallow thickly and refuse to let go of his hand when he starts to pull away.

  “Can we go outside?” I ask him. I just need to feel like I can breathe.

  He simply nods and walks beside me, not letting go of my hand, but not attempting to get closer either.

  “I felt like we were making progress,” I tell him and watch Toby as we get to the front door. It’s a large heavy door made of solid wood and stained a dark brown. Toby doesn’t have a problem in the least as John opens it. He almost closes the door right after him, but Toby slips out with us, staying close to my side and I’ve never wanted him more.

  I reach down to pet him, feeling as though my breath is strangled. Sometimes progress isn’t enough. It’s not enough to keep John. It’s not enough to ease the burden on Jay’s conscience.

  A chill sweeps across my skin and goosebumps spread along my arms as I shudder. The fresh air is what I needed though.

  “There’s a porch,” I say with a bit of humor in my voice. I haven’t stepped foot outside. It reminds me of the world outside of here. Of the life I used to have. The one we could share together.

  John leans against the banister and looks out into the empty field, not looking at me as he tells me, “Jay will be back soon, and I’m going to tell him I’m not coming back here. I’m done with this.”

  The air gets colder and more tense as my eyes narrow and I watch him. “I thought we were doing better,” I tell him although it comes out a question.

  He turns to look at me, but quickly looks back out into the field of nothing.

  I have to tell him. I have to push. Toby whines as the thought hits me, and I reach down to pet him again. I’ve never been more scared in my adult life.

  I slowly sit, although my legs are shaky and this close to Toby’s jaws reminds me of the vicious barking, the way he held me down that first night. I ignore it all. I have to give a piece to John. Something to keep him.

  “John, I want to tell you a secret.”

  “What’s that?” he asks and looks down at me, but I don’t look back up at him as I pet Toby and try to think of what to tell him. It’s been days and I don’t know what I can say that he’d believe.

  “I knew you when you were a child.” My heart hurts as I confess. “This one time, you taught me how to whistle with a blade of grass.” The memory is so fresh. I can still feel the bit of sunshine. A reward I was terrified would come with a punishment. “Do you remember?” I ask him.

  I take a peek up to look at him, and his expression tells me everything I already knew. He doesn’t remember a damn thing, and he won’t believe me. All the time we spent together, none of it exists for him.

  I hold the tears back as Toby rests his head in my lap. His warmth is so at odds with the bitter coldness that surrounds me.

  “Are you alright?” he asks me, and my heart sinks even further.

  “You don’t remember me, but I’m not lying to you, John.” I steady my breath. “I’m not crazy,” I tell him and as the words slip out, I feel as though I am. I’m beyond sane at least.

  “We never knew each other. The first time I saw you...” John starts, but doesn’t finish his sentence. I wait, holding my breath and hoping for something, but also fearing it.

  Please remember me. Please, John. I need you.

  “You ripped it right out of the ground,” I tell him, brushing beneath my nose with my forearm and not giving a damn about it. “And put it right to your lips.” A smile forces its way to my lips and a laugh bubbles up. “I thought you were eating it,” I tell him.

  Silence greets me, and this time I don’t look up to gauge his reaction. I let my body sway with Toby.

  “I’m not the only one who’s hurt, John. Neither is Jay.” I whisper the words and half expect him to ask how it relates to Jay. Part of me hopes he will, but he doesn’t.

  Finally, he says, “I don’t remember any of that.”

  “It’s okay,” I say and smile weakly. “I mean, I wish you did. I really wish you knew how much you meant to me.”

  “Then leave with me?” John asks.

  “Will you listen if I…” I can’t finish. He won’t believe me, or worse, it’ll push him farther away.

  “Robin, whatever Jay told you-”

  I shake my head and close my eyes. “This isn’t something he told me, John.” My voice is hard and unforgiving.

  “I love you, John. You don’t remember me, but I think you love me, too,” I tell him, exposing everything I’m most afraid of. “Just don’t leave me. Not yet. Not until I can tell you everything.”

  Chapter 23

  Robin

  I’m not used to waiting this long. I pick at my nails, wondering if I’ve ruined everything. Wondering if I should try to find him. I wish there were a clock in here. Something. Anything to fill up the silence.

  My eyes drift back to the only constant in the room. The camera that’s facing me.

  The light isn’t on, but it feels like it’s taunting me that much more with it off. Like the cameras never mattered. Nothing did. It was going to happen regardless.

  I slide off the bed, feeling restless and with an anxiety that won’t go away. I hate that camera. I hate the blinking red light. I swallow thick
ly as I walk toward it. My throat is tight as I remember how the monster’s breath felt against my neck like a sticky fog. How my body screamed in pain and the bed shook as he took something from me I could never have back. I stared at the red light through my tears. Watching it blinking and recording everything. Just watching it all happen to me.

  And there wasn’t a damn thing I could do to stop it.

  I stopped screaming, I stopped crying. I had nothing left but the fucking light to take me away.

  Pathetic. I’m fucking pathetic. The faint memory flashes before my eyes.

  A cry rips through me as my fist swings in the air, slamming against the cold metal of the camera.

  Fuck you! Then it crashes to the floor and I scream as I reach down and grab it before cracking it against the unforgiving floor again.

  I was never pathetic. My teeth grind together as his face stares back at me. The face of a monster. Nothing but coldness in his eyes.

  I hate him. I hate what he did to me and how I can never change it.

  I scream out as I pick up the stand and slam it over and over against the broken camera. Small pieces of metal scatter as I recklessly destroy each and every piece I can. My muscles scream and the adrenaline pumps faster and faster, but I’ve never felt so alive. So liberated.

  Jay’s father did something to me; he changed me forever. But I won’t let him define me. That will never define who I am.

  My shoulders rise and fall with each heavy breath. No more fucking camera. No more of this. I won’t do it anymore. I’m done with this shit.

  I swallow my nervousness, my hands still trembling as I loosen my grip and let the leg fall to the ground. My body shakes as I look around, but instead of feeling crazed, instead of feeling scared by what I’ve done, I feel nothing but triumphant.

  A creak to my right makes my body jolt.

  I turn toward the door as it opens, breathing heavily, feeling invisible and empowered.