Forget Me Not

by W Winters

  “John,” I tell him.

  The boy sniffles and looks down at the dead man in the dirt and then back at me, nodding. “I’m not John,” he says and it confuses me.

  “My name’s Jay.”

  Chapter 26

  Robin

  My heart is racing and won’t stop; it’s pounding so hard it hurts. My fingers tremble as I push the bathroom door open slowly. It creaks noisily, and I can’t even breathe.

  I’m afraid of what I’ll find on the other side.

  I heard the screaming, the fighting. The shattering of glass.

  There’s no light on in the bathroom, but the stray light streaming in from the hallway reflects off the shards of mirror that litter the floor.

  The door only stops when the knob hits the wall, and I stand there frozen in the doorway.

  The cuts on his face and hands, the blood that drips down and covers his hand will forever be etched into my memory.

  But the sight of him, the man I love so deeply and who I’m desperate to heal all the way down to his very soul, is wretched and it cracks my heart in two.

  Sitting on the edge of the tub, his hands cover his face as he’s hunched over. But he’s alive. Wounded deeply, but still breathing.

  “Jay,” I whisper his name, terrified I’ve said the wrong one. I wait with bated breath, the pain in my chest only intensifying as he sits still, ignoring me and making me question what to do.

  Call for an ambulance. It’s obvious. He needs it. A psychotic break isn’t something I can handle on my own.

  I take a hesitant step forward, not daring to flick on the light switch. I’m only wearing a pair of socks, but I keep to the right, and gently push the sharp pieces of glass out of my way as I walk toward him. I just need to hold him. I need him to know that it’s alright. It doesn’t matter how bad it gets, it will always be alright.

  The glass clinks as I kick a chunk to the left and take another cautious step toward him.

  Finally, he peeks up at me. My body freezes, and I try to figure out if he’s there. If Jay is present, or if John is the one sitting in front of me.

  I can usually tell by the way he looks at me, but now they both know.

  My heart sputters at the pain swirling in his light gray eyes. How his lip twitches with the need to frown and he shakes his head, looking away from me.

  “It didn’t go well,” he speaks just above a murmur and looks away from me, staring at the wall as he lets out a heavy breath. I watch as he tries to relax in front of me, shaking his shoulders and brushing his fingers through his hair. Small pieces of glass tinkle as they drop into the porcelain tub.

  Jay.

  “You should give me a minute,” Jay finally says as he stands tall and towers over me.

  “I can help,” I offer, but he steps around me, walking to the sink with the glass crunching beneath his boots.

  “There’s glass,” Jay points out the obvious and then stares pointedly at my feet before turning on the faucet.

  “I can get shoes,” I say weakly. My thoughts are a blur, and his casual demeanor is not at all what I expected. “Can I just clean the glass from your hands so you don’t make it worse?” I ask him. My fingers are itching to comfort him. To help him. I’m terrified he’ll push me away.

  “No,” Jay says dismissively, running his hand under the water and looking up to a chunk of mirror still left on the wall. “What happened?” I ask him in a whisper. He looks at me over his shoulder and I think he’s going to tell me to just leave, but thankfully he doesn’t.

  “John doesn’t want to believe he did that to you.”

  I stand there numb, the tips of my fingers tingling. “Did what… did what to me?” I ask. Although I shake my head, there’s nothing wrong. “You did nothing wrong.”

  Jay’s lips part and a huff of a humorless laugh leaves him. He dries his hands on the towel, looking straight ahead.

  “The day you left is what he’s thinking about,” he says and his voice is deathly low.

  Tears sting at my eyes as I say, “Forgive me.” I’ll never forgive myself, but please, please I need him to know I regret it with everything in me.

  “There’s nothing for me to forgive, little bird. You did what I told you to do.” He cups my jaw in his strong hand and I lean into his touch, desperate for it. For anything he can give me. “But John hasn’t forgiven anything. He hasn’t even begun to forgive himself.”

  I can’t imagine the pain. I can’t imagine what the man standing right in front of me is feeling in this moment. I just need to be here. And I am, but what good am I?

  “I have to clean this up,” he says as his hand falls to his side. “Just give me a moment, little bird,” he tells me easily and with a small smile I so rarely see. There’s a sadness in his eyes too though and I don’t understand it. It makes me fear for him. I grab onto his hand, not wanting to leave and not willing to risk him.

  “You’re scaring me,” I tell him honestly.

  “I need to clean this.”

  “I can do it,” I offer quickly. Anything I can do to help, but Jay snatches my wrists. The swift motion catches me by surprise. His fingers are forceful and his gaze down at me is intense.

  “I need to be alone for a moment,” he tells me, but it’s the last thing I want for him. He’s been alone for so long, and he just needs to let someone help him.

  “I just want to help you, Jay.” I’m terrified he’s close to a break that’s simply too much to handle. I can’t let that happen. Not to him. Not to someone I love so deeply when I’m right here. “I can help you,” I beg him and his expression softens slightly.

  He turns my wrist and kisses it gently before letting me go. “Soon, little bird,” he says and his voice is soft and drenched with hopelessness.

  “It’s going to be okay, Jay,” I tell him, feeling the pain in my heart worsen each second that passes without him looking at me.

  I follow his gaze to the broken glass and blood on the tiled bathroom floor. I can clean this up. I can fix this. We can fix this. “I can get you-”

  “Go to your room, little bird,” Jay says with authority, cutting me off. My lips part with both disbelief and an objection but he adds, “I love you and I don’t want you to see this right now.”

  I love you. I’ve known he loves me. How could we not share this together? Two people so deeply intertwined and whose souls who cling to each other for comfort.

  My lower lip wobbles and I reach out to him. I grip onto his shoulder without thinking until I’m clinging to his shirt and realize what I’ve done. But Jay doesn’t react, he just lets me pull him and that hurts me deeper than anything. His fight has waned.

  “I love you. All of you, and I’m right here,” I tell him desperately, praying he’ll believe me. Every bit of what I’ve said.

  A small trace of a smile forms on his lips and at first I feel like it really will be okay, as if he’ll let me help him the way he needs.

  “We should go,” I offer although my words are shaky and my voice lacking confidence. I don’t want him to withdraw.

  “I’m not going back,” Jay says with a hard voice. He looks me in the eyes as he tells me, “Go to your room, Robin.”

  My stomach sinks and churns. He needs help I can’t give him. Jay kicks a large piece of glass and I look around. It can wait a moment. Just a moment, but I have to force his hand. This can’t happen again.

  “I love you, Jay,” I tell him with every bit of sincerity in me and reach up on my tiptoes to plant a chaste kiss on the line of his hard jaw before turning to leave.

  “I was never Jay,” I swear I hear him say as I step into the hallway, but when I turn around, he shuts the door faster than I can move, leaving me alone.

  Chapter 27

  John

  Twenty years ago

  The ground feels colder today; fall or winter must be coming. It’s hard to know without the bit of light from the windows anymore. He took it away.

  “Please,” she ask
s me again. She’s afraid to ask me for things. At first I thought it was because she was afraid of me. But I think it’s something else. A mix of sympathy and guilt. She shouldn’t have either toward me. I hate it.

  I lean my body so I’m closer to her, but still far enough away not to frighten her. She has a habit of inching closer to me; it’s a habit I like. I love it even.

  I love that she needs me.

  “You don’t have to ask, little bird,” I say her nickname and she does this cute thing where she smiles and avoids my gaze. It almost makes me smile, but I can’t. Not here. This house isn’t a place for happiness. I’ll smile when I get her out of here. Only then.

  “Can you hold my hand, Jay?” she asks me softly, her eyes flickering to mine and then back down to the floor.

  I pull the blanket up tighter around her and slip her small hand into mine, weaving our fingers together and letting her hold me like she wants to. She’s been calling me Jay since the first day. I should have corrected her, but I don’t want her to call me John. I don’t want to be John. I don’t want this life. I only want to be her Jay.

  “I’ll always hold your hand,” I tell her.

  “Always?” she asks, and I merely laugh it off in a huff and tighten my hand around hers. Always is such a long way away. Too long to promise. I know it can’t last forever and I won’t make a promise I can’t keep.

  I’ll be Jay for her though.

  I love her for calling me Jay.

  For letting me exist again. Even if it’s only for her.

  * * *

  ***

  * * *

  The memory is so clear. My head pulses and I try to swallow as I lean against the bathroom counter.

  What was I doing here?

  Cleaning up the mess you made, a voice, Jay’s voice, says so clearly in my head.

  I look up to see who it is when the bathroom door opens, letting in the light from the hallway.

  “Jay.” Robin’s voice is quiet, frightened. Jay. My body sways, and a shooting pain in my temple makes me wince. “You need help. I can help you. Please, Jay.”

  “That’s not my name!” I scream at her, feeling lightheaded and my lungs refusing to fill. I’m not that sick fuck.

  I refuse to believe it. I grip my hair in my hands and try to get the memory out. That never happened to me. I feel sorry for Jay. I can’t separate the two.

  I close my eyes, trying to figure out what’s wrong with me. My head throbs and I can’t get these visions to go away. It’s because he’s told me his past so many times. I close my eyes trying to remember when he told me, but in my memory, he’s there, sitting on the chair, leaning against the wall, but then nothing. He’s vanished.

  “John,” Robin says with her hands up. “You need help, John, and it's okay. You’re okay, I promise you.” She sounds scared and she takes in quick breaths as she speaks, walking toward me slowly.

  Like I’m a wounded animal.

  Calm for her. I hear Jay’s voice and it only makes me angrier. She shouldn’t fucking be here.

  My vision blurs and for a moment it goes black, but I hold on to the counter. I’m lost right now. I can barely grasp what’s real and what’s not.

  “It’s fine,” I tell her out of instinct. Because that’s what you do when someone’s worried for you. You lie to them.

  “It’s not, John,” she says and shakes her head and her small hands wrap around my arm. “You suppressed memories for a reason.” Her voice quavers and I wrap my arms around her instantly, hating that she’s breaking down. She cries harder and tries to push me away, but I don’t let her. I rock her back and forth.

  She’s so innocent in all of this.

  “Just forgive me, please?” she asks me with tears in her eyes.

  “For what?” I ask her, not understanding why she’s so upset. She hasn’t done anything wrong. I’m the one that’s so fucked up. I’m the one who hurt her. The one who fucking kidnapped her.

  My head spins at the thought. It’s all me. Anger boils, but she speaks and I try to calm myself.

  “For leaving you behind,” she whispers her choked words.

  My blood turns to ice as the memories come back again. They keep coming over and over. I try to shut them out but they make a pulsing pain shoot from the back of my head to the front where it stays and throbs, where it punishes me until I acknowledge the past. Until I face what I’ve done and what I’ve been through. “It had to happen,” I tell her in an even voice, but the anger is there. I can feel it. I hated her for leaving me when I only existed for her. “I was selfish,” I whisper as my hands start to shake with the mix of heated emotions.

  A small sob leaves her as she shakes her head. “No, you were only a boy,” she replies and tries to say something else but I can’t hear her over the cries. She wipes her eyes and her shoulders shake.

  “It’s not your fault, little bird.” The words slip out so easily. As if it’s natural to call her that. I’m surprised by the presence I feel. As if I’m here holding her. For a moment, my vision splits. I can see me holding her, I can even feel my arm leaning against the wall. It’s Jay who's holding her, Jay who recognizes her pain.

  But I refuse to do it. I shut my eyes tight and hold her even tighter. I kiss her hair and a chill runs through my body, followed by a heat that boils my blood.

  I may be aware that I am him and vice versa, but that doesn’t mean that both sides of me are willing to merge.

  “Go to sleep,” I tell her in a deep voice. I look her in the eyes as I order her, “Go to your room, Robin.”

  “Now!” I yell and watch as she obeys me, looking at me with equal amounts of fear and defiance. I lick my lips, not knowing what to do. Everything’s changed.

  Chapter 28

  John

  “You’re not taking this well, are you?” I look up at the sound of Jay’s voice. He’s standing against the doorframe to the kitchen, staring at me. A phone is in his hand. His phone. I look down at my own hand, and it’s there. He tosses it back and forth in his hands, grinning at me and taunting me.

  The decision is obvious. I need to call and turn myself in, but I can’t fucking bring myself to do it.

  I grip the phone tightly before shoving it away from me, but when I look up it’s still there, still in his hands.

  “You’re not real,” I tell him, refusing to rise and go touch him. Have I ever felt him? I can’t remember a time I have. I’m crazy. Legitimately insane.

  My mind plays tricks on me. Jay vanishes and my head throbs, memories changing in my head, turning fuzzy then sharp with the truth. The memories coming back.

  He smiles, a thin, wicked smile and says, “Of course I am. I’m you.”

  “Make it stop,” I grit from between my teeth, holding my head and rocking back and forth. I stand and scream, “You’re not real!”

  But who is it that wasn’t real? The life I lived was a lie. I struggle to breathe as my stomach churns and I realize the very man I pitied, the life I saw as pathetic and disturbing… it was me. It was mine all along.

  “All those nights I couldn’t sleep,” I hear Jay say and I look up to search for him, but he’s nowhere to be found. I wince as I stumble and grip the wall, my head pounding harder and harder. “All the nights I had to go to her just to know it was real. That it really happened and it haunted her, too.”

  “Get out of my head!” I scream and seethe with anger. My eyes open slowly and I lift my head, seeing him watching from the corner of the living room.

  “And what’s worse? I knew I was fucked up in the head. So fucked up I couldn’t go to her. I wanted to. So, fucking badly, but because of you, I couldn’t!”

  Toby barks and snarls, turning to face Jay, to face nothing. His hackles are raised as he exposes his teeth and a vicious growl echoes in the room.

  “Jay?” I hear Robin call out from down the hallway, and closest to Jay. Closest to where Toby is facing. To what he sees as a threat.

  Not my little bird. My body
feels heavy and then light. He’s gone and then I’m gone, a blackness taking over. But I fight it. The fur bunches in my hand.

  I hear him whine, feel the dog’s claws digging into the ground, and the sounds follow me, although I don’t feel present. I’m here but not in control of my actions. Present but weak. Muted by the control Jay has, but conscious of it.

  The basement door slams shut, and Toby claws and barks at the door. Over and over, the poor thing trapped but our Robin protected.

  Our Robin.

  “It’s hell, isn’t it?” I hear Jay’s voice in my head as I come back to what’s real. As I struggle to catch my breath and feel the blood from Toby’s bite dripping down my arm.

  When did he bite me?

  “When you grabbed him from behind,” I hear Jay say from the other end of the hallway.

  “Jay!” Robin calls out from behind the closed door to her room.

  “It’s a bitch being there but not being present, isn’t it?” Jay sneers. “It’s fucking hell!” he screams and then stares at Robin’s bedroom door.

  “I’m coming out,” Robin says from behind the door and both of us whip our heads to stare.

  “Stay inside!” he screams before I can, but the words come from me, I can feel it. My body, but not my mind.

  I don’t want her out here, I think but don’t say.

  She’s not a part of this, I hear in my own head. I look up and he’s gone.

  “You brought her here,” I say out loud with spite.

  “I can help, we need to talk,” Robin says and her words are muted by the closed door.

  “How could you bring her here?” I ask him as my body trembles. My poor Robin. She can’t be here.

  “You slept. Well you thought you slept, with not a fucking worry in the world. All the while, all I am is a fucking ghost of what happened to us! You kept me back to feel better,” he spits the last two words.