Conviction

by Jennifer Blackstream

  “How long does it last?”

  I shook my head. “Not long. I’m not familiar with this spell specifically, but magic isn’t meant for long term mental control.”

  Andy studied my face. I tried to summon a witchy look, or a poker face, anything that would hide my thoughts. Would hide the images that had leapt to my mind when he talked about being angry for as long as he could remember.

  I knew I’d failed when Andy tensed. Then he forced himself to relax again. “You’ve read my file.”

  “Today,” I admitted. “I didn’t want to, but—”

  “It’s fine. I should have told you about it before.” He folded his hands together, squeezing until his knuckles turned white. “I don’t need your pity.”

  “I don’t pity you. I’m angry for you. Angry about what happened to you. What was done to you by people who—”

  “It doesn’t matter what happened, or who did it. All that matters is what it left behind.”

  He scrubbed a hand over his face, his fingertips lingering over his eye. The one that had been so damaged in his other form. I knew he was remembering that injury, remembering the day it happened. And suddenly I couldn’t breathe through my fury.

  How dare Lorelei make him relive that.

  “Has this happened before?” I gestured to his body, indicating the physical change.

  He fingered the sleeve of his shirt, tugged at the cuff to straighten it. “No. I could feel…something. Something’s been growing inside me, and I can feel it when I get angry. It’s harder to calm down, harder to think. The things I usually rely on to clear my head just don’t work like they used to.”

  “The suit,” I guessed.

  “The suit, deep breaths, meditation. None of it makes a difference anymore.”

  “Have you ever had therapy?”

  “Of course. Court-appointed at first. Then because my mom asked me to. My real mom, not the one who gave birth to me. And they tried to help, but there just wasn’t anything they could do. Some things—some people—can’t be fixed.” He stopped, and furrowed his brows. “Or that’s what I felt before. What I felt when I came here. But…I don’t feel that way now.” He tilted his head. “Evelyn’s spell?”

  I nodded slowly, my eyebrows rising. “I think so.” I looked down at the broken pieces of the orb. “That spell is much stronger than I thought if it’s letting you think through years of conditioning.” I put my hand on his. “You’re not broken. You see that now, right?”

  “I don’t feel that way now, but I remember how I felt before. I didn’t just decide to give up, Shade. I fought it. I still fight it every day. I never stopped trying to move past it, and I never gave in to the anger. But it’s getting harder, not easier. And now, with the corruption…” He looked into my eyes, and there was a plea in his own that broke my heart. “Is there any way to make this spell permanent?”

  “No. And the more you use it, the less effective it will be.” I hated to say it, but I didn’t want to get his hopes up. There were no shortcuts in magic. Everything came with a price.

  Andy nodded as if he’d expected that. “It’s been building for a long time. The anger. Faster since Mom and Dad died. Being in their house, around their things helped. Then I broke all her figurines. I don’t even remember doing it. I was going over a file, and there was a kid… Next thing I know, I’m sitting in the middle of the floor, and my mom’s things are shattered all around me. And when you told me they were still there, their ghosts…and I realized she’d seen what I did. Seen what I am.”

  His voice grew quieter with every word, more and more hoarse until the last syllable was just an exhale of breath. “I feel stupid now, but at the time, I just needed to run. I needed to hide from them, keep them from seeing…” He clenched his jaw. “I didn’t even know that was coming.”

  He didn’t need to tell me what “that” was. I could still see his corrupted form in my mind’s eye. His transformation had shocked me, I couldn’t imagine how his parents would have reacted.

  “I saw myself turn into that monster,” Andy said finally. “When I looked into the oracle’s eyes. Do you remember that?”

  My breath caught as the memory came back to me. We’d gone to see Andrea the oracle, the one who’d led us to the case with the missing kids. Andy had looked into her reflective silver eyes, and fallen into a vision that had to be waited out, couldn’t be stopped. I recalled their conversation from that day with painful clarity.

  “What I saw. It’s a possibility, not a certainty.”

  It was the first time I’d ever seen him fidget.

  “There are many choices between now and what you saw. Any one of them could lead to a different path.”

  “Can you tell me how to avoid it?” he’d asked.

  “I could tell you how to avoid what you saw,” Andrea had said calmly. “But it would do you no good. Just as the many choices between now and then could lead to a different path, so too could many paths lead you to the same choice. A frightening vision is more frightening out of context. It might well be that when the time comes, you will feel differently.” She’d paused before adding, “If what you saw comes to pass, remember this. You cannot lose a true friend. You can only hide from them.”

  Andy had been angry then, angry and uncomfortable. “That doesn’t make any sense.”

  I’d heard Andrea’s sigh, and then her final words. “It will.”

  “You can’t lose a true friend,” I repeated now. “You can only hide from them.”

  “And I did. Hide from you, I mean.” Andy rubbed his hands over his face. “And my parents. When you told me their spirits had lingered, I couldn’t stay. I didn’t want them to see me like this.”

  “And now?” I asked. “How do you feel now?”

  “I think I never needed to hide from them,” Andy said quietly. “I think they know where I came from. They saw me struggle. They were the ones that helped me then, and I feel ashamed that I didn’t trust them to stay with me now.”

  He shook his head. “But that’s just Evelyn’s magic talking. I love my parents. I didn’t want to leave, I knew they’d worry. But the thought of staying, of letting them see me overwhelmed by these emotions, these urges...I couldn’t stomach it.”

  I took a deep breath. “Tell me about going to see Morgan. What did she say to you?”

  “After you and Liam dropped me off at home last night, I called a taxi to take me back to my office. That’s where I’ve been sleeping. I was only there for about an hour, going over some files, when I got a call from Morgan. She said she’d heard about what happened, and she wanted me to meet with her. She believed she could help me.”

  “But why go?” I asked, unable to keep the hint of desperation out of my voice. “Why would you trust her?”

  “There’s just something about her that…” He trailed off, gathered his thoughts. “I think she understands.”

  “Understands what?”

  “Understands what it’s like to know someone’s going to do something horrible, and to have the rules of society force you to let it happen, before they’ll let you do anything about it.” Tension wove through his shoulders, making him hunch over. “I talked to her about the kelpies. She told me that there are those in the Otherworld who think the kelpies are more monstrous than humanoid, and they want to put them in the same category as chupacabras and wendigos. Because—”

  “Because there’s no penalty for killing a chupacabra or a wendigo,” I finished. “They’re predators who can’t control the urge to kill, opportunistic carnivores that threaten the Otherworld with exposure.”

  “Right. Morgan said that it’s only been recently that waterhorses have made an effort to have more of a presence in the human world. They get jobs, join society. Make a coordinated effort to keep their people from eating humans. Morgan said they’re lobbying for representation at the Vanguard.”

  “She’s right.” I twisted my hands in my lap. “But it’s an uphill battle. Most waterhorses don�
��t see eating a human any differently than humans see eating cows. And they aren’t shy about saying so.”

  “But the Vanguard doesn’t do anything about it.”

  I sighed. “The Vanguard treats kelpies killing humans the way they treat vampires killing humans. If it happens on rare occasions, no one does anything. It’s part of the food chain, and for the most part, vampire society as a whole fights to keep its members from killing humans. The Vanguard only intervenes if they kill too many people and risk exposing the Otherworld, or if they give up the pretense of discouraging that kind of murder and just let their people run free killing as they will.”

  Andy shifted in place, hunching even more. “I think Evelyn’s spell is wearing off.”

  “It’s okay, we’ll—”

  “No, I mean I need to get this out fast.” Andy took a deep breath. “If the police were allowed to go after people they knew were going to commit a crime, instead of waiting until after they committed it, my brother would still be alive. And knowing that is a big part of what makes me so angry all the time.”

  His voice heated. The anger was definitely coming back.

  “But I know you can’t punish someone before they do something. That’s where the line is. My dad spent a lot of time helping me understand that line. He knew as well as I did that I couldn’t trust my judgment. I was too angry, too emotional. Everything felt too personal. And if I couldn’t trust my judgment, then I needed to know where that line was, in detail. The letter of the law.”

  He sucked in another long breath. “Morgan gave me permission to doubt that. Fighting the anger, keeping it locked inside, following the letter of the law… It’s hard. It’s so hard, and it never gets easier. I do it because I know it’s the right thing to do, because I trust my dad, and he said it was the right thing to do. And he’s a good man, and I want to be a good man, so I trusted him. But Morgan… She made it sound like there was another option. Not a bad option, just…different.”

  He kept going, talking faster so I couldn’t interrupt.

  “And I’d just learned about the Otherworld, and part of me thought, maybe my idea of justice had a place there. I got angry with the Vanguard for not stepping in for those kids. And for not doing something about the kelpies, when I could tell you after watching them for just a month that they spend most of their time waiting until they can get away with another murder. But then I thought, if justice is different here, maybe I can be different. Maybe I don’t have to fight so hard. I’m not human anymore. Maybe my concept of justice and right and wrong don’t have to stay the same either.”

  My thoughts must have showed on my face. Andy looked away, dragged in a deep breath that sounded like it hurt.

  “It was already so hard,” he said quietly. “And then when I realized how much harder it was getting… The blackouts… That feeling of…something growing.” He looked at me then, his eyes begging me to understand. “I could barely fight it as it was. But now that I’m…” He choked, then forced himself to keep going. “Now that I’m corrupted, what chance do I have?”

  “There’s always a choice,” Flint said.

  I whirled to find the leannan sidhe standing at the top of the stairway. He was studying Andy as if he were a brand new species.

  The effect on Andy was instantaneous. He shot to his feet, hands fisted at his sides. I stood too, putting myself between the two men.

  “Go away!” I glared at Flint. “You aren’t helping. Go watch the twins.”

  “I can see them just fine from here,” Flint said placidly. “And I doubt they’ll want to be shot again when that iron on their wrists would make healing so much more difficult.”

  He met Andy’s eyes. “Morgan encouraged you to kill me. Didn’t she?”

  “I didn’t need encouragement.” Andy’s voice grew deeper with each word. “If I’m going to be killed for Raichel’s murder, taking you out before I go sounds like a fantastic idea.”

  “Yes, I thought it might.” Still unruffled, Flint paused, considering. “Now that you’ve joined the Otherworld in your own way, this might be a good time for a piece of advice. You feel more powerful now than you were before, but don’t let that fool you. Compared to those of us born with our gifts, you are a child just taking his first steps. Power without control is nothing.”

  Andy grunted, then bowed his head. Panic spiked inside me and I put a hand on his shoulder. “Andy, don’t. Evelyn’s spell is wearing off, and I don’t know if I can help you come back from the edge after the beating your willpower took from Raphael’s influence.”

  “Perhaps you should let him go off,” Flint suggested. “This might be a lesson better learned now than later. Face me.” Andy lifted his head to glare at him, their gazes locking. “If you think you can kill me, try now. Fail now.”

  “Flint, stop it,” I ground out, my temper heating my voice. I put a restraining hand on Andy’s chest and he looked down at me. “We need to talk about your corruption. The more you use whatever gifts it’s giving you, the more influence it will have over you. Resist the urge.”

  “Don’t give him advice he can’t follow,” Flint said sharply. “You’re not doing him any favors. He’s a human who’s chosen to play in the business of Otherworlders, those gifts might be his only chance of survival—if he can be smart about how he uses them.” The leannan sidhe leaned forward. “You can’t cure him of this. Corruption isn’t possession, there’s no way to push that power out of him. It’s who he is now. He needs to learn to control it, not to repress it.”

  “He can decide for himself.” I lowered my hands to my sides and tried to project calm, but keeping the edge from my voice proved harder. “It’s not your choice to make, so back off.”

  Flint shook his head. “It doesn’t surprise me that you both only see the downside here. But I’m telling you, mourn the death of the straight-laced FBI agent if you have to, but when you’re done, please consider that this may, in fact, be the best thing that could have happened to him.”

  “How can you say that?” I demanded.

  Flint looked past me, at my partner. “Your anger made you scary and dangerous to humans.” He leaned even closer. “But now you’re part of the Otherworld. And you don’t scare me.”

  “Andy, you and I will talk about this later, we will figure this out.” I put myself more firmly in front of him, trying to crowd out the sight of Flint behind me. “I need to talk to you now, while you’re thinking clearly, before the spell wears off. Do you remember anything else about the night of Raichel’s murder?”

  Andy dragged his gaze away from Flint, focusing on me with visible effort. “I still have a blank spot in my memory between yelling at Siobhan to get away from the kid, and waking up on her boat.” He pressed his lips together. “At first, I thought I’d done it,” he said, his voice so low I strained to catch it. “I’ve had a few blackouts in the last few months. Like when I destroyed my mother’s figurines. It happens sometimes if the anger gets to be too much, my brain just…shuts down.”

  He trailed off, then searched my eyes. “But someone stole that SD card, the one that would have shown the murder. And that has to mean something. If I killed Raichel, and that recording proved it, then why take it? The only people who’d steal proof of my guilt to protect me, are you and…” He stopped. “Well, just you.”

  There was something soft in his voice when he said ‘just you,’ and it took all my self control not to hug him.

  “Wait a minute,” I said suddenly. “Did you ever have a blackout at Something Fishy before?”

  Andy frowned. “Once. It was on one of my first trips there, and I was sitting outside with Hachim. I overheard Siobhan asking one of the teens when her birthday was. She made some comment about celebrating her becoming an adult. I remember standing up, then the next thing I knew, I was in the river. Hachim was helping me out, smacking my back, saying I slipped.”

  “He knocked you into the water to snap you out of it,” I guessed.

  Andy sh
rugged. “He never said. But, yeah, that was what I figured.”

  “Who saw that happen?” Flint asked.

  I bit down on the urge to tell him to shut up.

  “Siobhan was there with Deacon, and a kelpie named Cassidy. I think she’s Rowyn’s girlfriend. Rowyn showed up later. But that was after I came to, in the river.”

  “So any of them could have seen your rage blackout.” I narrowed my eyes. “And they were spying on you, so it’s possible they witnessed it happen again. And as I recall, they were spying on you while we worked Lorelei’s case, so it’s entirely possible they could have put two and two together.”

  “You think they might have figured out what was happening to him and used it against him,” Flint said. “Pushed him knowing he’d black out?”

  “Deacon couldn’t see through Raichel’s glamour,” I said slowly. “He thought the real Siobhan was there that night. And everyone knows how much you hate her.”

  “You think the satyr-blood set him up?” Flint asked.

  “If Deacon knew about your blackouts, he could have been waiting for the chance to take advantage. Siobhan was taunting you all the time, she was bound to push you too far. He could have seen you come out of the bar, seen you losing control, and seized the opportunity.”

  “So he sees Bradford come out, jumps out of his car, shoots ‘Siobhan,’ and then what?” Flint looked hard at Andy. “How would he know you wouldn’t kill him?”

  “I have a hard time believing that there are circumstances where I would feel anger toward someone who’d just shot Siobhan,” Andy said wryly. “And I’m pretty certain that anyone at the bar would know that.”

  “He’d need to count on Mickey not to turn him in.”

  “Mickey didn’t like Siobhan either,” I said. “He thought she was ruining the track. I think if he saw Deacon kill her, as long as there was someone else to take over the business, he’d have just kept his mouth shut for the sake of disrupting the races as little as possible.”

  “If Deacon did shoot Raichel, and Siobhan figured that out, then that would explain why he needed to die,” I pointed out. “I can see her taking advantage of the situation to let Andy take the fall, but I don’t see her letting Deacon get away with an assassination attempt.”