Elvis The Sani Man

by Ian Todd

  “It’s a well-known fact that where there’s links by an individual tae numerous criminal activity and known underground groups, then the chances ur, in fact, they’re almost certainly involved wae the maist extreme group ae the lot, The Showgirls, so they ur.”

  “Really?”

  “Aye, really. So, heed ma warning, Collette. If ye’re no prepared tae dae whit’s expected ae ye, then stay well clear ae Florence Nightingale,” Lesley warned her, as the empty mugs wur replaced wae fresh wans.

  “Er, excuse me, kin we get a fresh ashtray,” Collette asked him.

  “So, whit aboot him then?” Lesley asked.

  “Did ye no clock the wedding band?”

  “Well, it hisnae stoapped ye in the past, his it?”

  “Oh, fuck aff, Lesley.”

  “Ah’ll tell ye. If Ah wis single and aff the leash, that wan widnae know whit the hell wis hitting him. Ye need tae appreciate whit ye’ve goat before it’s too late, Collette. Mark ma words, wance ye’re hitched, sex jist becomes a three letter word, so it dis.”

  “Ah think Ah kin noo understaun whit they meant aboot opposites being attracted tae each other,” Collette said, as they baith chuckled, smiling at the waiter as he placed the clean ashtray doon oan Lesley’s side ae the table, gieing her a wee smile.

  “We’re no that different, you and me, so we urnae. The difference between you and me is that the inspector Ah ended up wae loved me fae the minute he clapped eyes oan me, so he did. Ah never stood a chance. Being the only weans in hooses, where oor das wur bizzies and us jist being lassies? Christ, whit a disappointment, eh? Whit other career wur we ever gonnae end up in?”

  “Career? Ah’m no so sure aboot that. Ah used tae think that way, bit a career tae me is supposed tae be a progressive path tae something better. Somehow, Yoker disnae fit that destination.”

  “Look, Ah hiv tae get back,“ Lesley suddenly announced, stubbing oot her fag and staunin up, lifting that coat ae hers fae beside her.

  “Whit, awready? Bit ye’ve only jist goat here.”

  “Ah’ve been sitting here fur nearly an hour, so Ah hiv,” her best pal said tae her, lifting her hair oot fae behind her collar wae the back ae baith hauns, before buttoning up the front ae her coat. “Look, hen, Ah don’t mean fur this tae sound the way that it’s gonnae sound, bit don’t go and mess things up, eh? Despite whit ye might think, there isnae a lot ae good jobs oot there fur the likes ae us, so there’s no. We, you and me, us aw, we’re a special breed apart, you know. We’re Glesga’s finest. Don’t you ever furget that. Think aboot whit Ah said aboot that nurse. She could be an untapped goldmine, if only ye wid get that face ae yers oot ae yer arse and realise where yer loyalty should be. It’s no everywan that kin dae whit we dae and still remain chirpy, when aw roond aboot us is falling apart. We’re the select, so we ur.”

  “Bit…”

  “Ah’m sure everything’s gonnae turn oot peachy fur ye, so it is. In the meantime, stay oot ae trouble and keep yer thoughts tae yersel and yer heid doon. Love ye,” Lesley cooed, leaning o’er and gieing her a peck oan the cheek and a stiff cuddle before she wis oot the door and dodging the cars in the street, withoot a glance backwards, as the waiter replaced the ashtray wae a clean wan oan the table in front ae Collette.

  Chapter Thirty Eight

  “Willie Commotion!” Collette cursed, instantly wincing, as her voice bounced aff the inside ae the back ae the painter and decorators’ Corporation van, that wis sitting oan The Barracks side ae Maryhill Road.

  “Sshhh!” Elvis hauf grunted, hauf hissed. “The sound oot ae the back ae these things kin travel, especially in the deid ae night.”

  “Sorry,” she whispered, as the baith ae them peered o’er the back ae the two front seats.

  There, at a forty degree angle, underneath a flickering street light, the distinct bobbing heid ae Willie Commotion and two others, each wae a lighted fag in their hauns, wur cackling away at something the wee fat wan in the leather jaicket hid jist come oot wae. They wur staunin jist tae the left ae the double doors that proclaimed tae the passing world, in faded, flaking, painted signwriting, that George Tuppence gied anywan who wis interested the best price in Glesga fur any ae their non-ferrous metals, such as aluminium, copper, brass or lead. It wis a strange looking set-up as the double doors seemed tae be imbedded intae the red sandstone tenement, wae a wee oasis ae shoaps oan either side ae it before an equal row ae closemooths oan either side ae them came tae a halt, being sandwiched thegither by the two dark pubs oan each corner.

  “Ah didnae realise that the Willie Morgan ye mentioned wis in fact Willie Commotion,” Collette whispered, trying no tae wretch as the Brut efter shave grabbed her by the throat in the confines ae the van.

  “So, ye’ve come across him then?”

  “Aye. Ah tried tae arrest him earlier in the year fur assaulting that live-in wummin ae his. Even though he gied her a slap in front ae me, she still refused tae charge the basturt. She said that she hid everything under control. Whit a mistake that turned oot tae be. Two weeks later, he wis initially charged wae her murder and then it goat drapped tae manslaughter before he walked oot ae The High Court efter being found not guilty three months later. Claimed that it wis self defence. Seemingly she’d tried tae defend hersel the year before when he wis battering her silly and ended up stabbing him. She wis that distressed up in Stobhill that she’d blurted oot whit she’d done tae a doctor who’d telt wan ae The Stalker’s boys. Of course, Willie hidnae pressed charges, bit the fact that it hid been recorded and filed hid come in handy when he wis staunin in the dock facing a possible life sentence. The fact that she’d also hid a long-term history ae negative schizophrenia, where she’d been sectioned a few times due tae her withdrawing intae hersel fur months oan end, hid gone in his favour. Whitever they fed the jury must’ve been good because he wis found not guilty and allowed tae walk.”

  “Charming,” Elvis sighed, trying tae lug intae whit wis being said across the road. “So, where did the Commotion tag come fae then?” he asked, as a transit van pulled up and wan ae Willie’s boys opened the double doors ae the scrappy tae expose the back ae a van sitting wae its back doors wide open.

  “Now, now, now, boys, whit’s aw the commotion then, eh?” Willie sang, as his two boys and the driver and his accomplice fae the van jumped intae action, transferring cardboard boxes full ae meat fae the van in the scrappy, tae the back ae the transit.

  “Now?” he asked her, his eyes glinting under that bop ae his.

  “Naw, they’d clock us before oor feet touched the tarmac.”

  “Bit, that’s the second pick-up, so it is,” he scowled in frustration.

  “Then maybe we jist hiv tae let this wan go then.”

  “We cannae. The person that passed this oan is expecting screaming heidlines in the paper the morra, so she is.”

  “A wummin? So, who is she then?”

  “Ah never claimed it wis a wummin.”

  “Aye, ye did. Ah heard ye wae ma ain ears, so spit it oot.”

  “Ah cannae.”

  “Ye cannae or ye wullnae?”

  “Ah cannae. If it ever goat oot, the shit wid hit the fan at a hunner miles an hour.”

  “So, who is she?”

  “Look, furget it.”

  “How ur we supposed tae make this work if ye’re keeping important secrets fae me then? It’s either a partnership or it’s no,” she chided him.

  “Look, this isnae the time tae start hitting me wae aw this shit.”

  “So, when is the right time then?”

  “Eh?”

  “Ye heard me.”

  “Collette, we’re in a smelly van, in the middle ae the night, up in Maryhill, wae a bunch ae black butchers transferring a couple ae hundredweight ae rotten horse meat intae the back ae a van and you want tae discuss the boundaries ae working in partnership. Ur you bloody nuts or whit?” he hissed, turning and looking at her as if she wis bloody mental.

  “Don’t gie me that. Ah�
�ve been suspended aw because ae you, so Ah hiv.”

  “And Ah’ve goat a heidful ae bloody stitches because you wurnae up tae the job ae arresting the bad guys, due tae yer sensitive stomach.”

  “Ah’ve goat mair tae lose than you hiv.”

  “Oh, Collette, don’t hit me wae that auld chestnut fur Christ sake. Ye’re either here tae help or ye’re no, so which is it?”

  “Look, don’t take it oot oan me jist because we cannae get oot ae here tae the phone box. Ye shouldnae hiv parked this side ae it. Ah telt ye, ye wur too close.”

  “And Ah telt ye. Parking here means that the van will gie us, you, a wee bit ae cover. Honest tae God,” Elvis muttered, shaking his bop, as the two ae them looked across the road tae the booming sound ae the back doors ae the van being slammed shut.

  “Right, get ready,” he warned her as she semi-crawled tae the back doors ae their van. “Now!”

  Collette slipped oot ae the door, glad ae the fresh air. The phone box wis aboot eight feet away fae her, tucked in tae the side ae the auld wall that wis left staunin efter the barracks themsels hid been demolished and they’d slung up the multi-storey flats. She’d a cousin, Billy, who wis a caretaker fur Scottish Special, who worked in wan ae them. She didnae hiv time tae fart aboot. Still squatting, she scurried across the pavement at the same angle as the van and pulled open the heavy red door. The overwhelming stench ae pish broke through Elvis’s Brut and made her feel lightheided. The fact that she hid tae stay squatting, didnae ease her discomfort. She slipped the ten pence piece oot ae her pocket at the same time as she lifted the heavy receiver doon tae her ear. It wis when she’d dialled the last number and her ten pence wis being swallowed, that she spotted it sitting in the corner. It wisnae a dug’s either. She wis jist aboot tae throw up when she wis distracted.

  “Hello, Maryhill Polis?”

  “Er, aye, Ah’d like tae report a break-in, so Ah wid,” she replied quietly, through her scarf, which wis covering the moothpiece.

  “Ah’m sorry, kin ye speak up, hen?”

  “Ah said Ah wid like tae report a break-in that’s happening as we speak,” she repeated, peering oot ae wan ae the wee windaes, trying tae see the legs ae Willie Commotion oan the other side ae the road, underneath the van.

  “Oh, and where wid that be then?”

  “Through the front windae ae the wee paper shoap opposite The Barracks, up oan Maryhill Road. They look tae be carting aff aw ae its fags, so they dae.”

  “Okay, kin ye gie me yer name and address and…” he asked, as she hung up.

  Collette took a deep breath and pushed the door open, jist managing tae splay the fingers ae her haun in time, as it landed above the curled up shite in the corner, as she heaved her arse oot ae the door and back oan tae the pavement. The sound ae an engine starting up and Clarence ‘Frogman’ Henry singing ‘Aint Goat Nae Hame’ fae the radio in it, reached her ears as she slipped back in tae the van.

  “How did it go?”

  “Fine. They’re sending somebody roond tae check it oot. Whit’s happening noo?”

  “Nothing. The transit’s jist left. Good song that, so it is,” he replied as the doors ae the scrappy wur shut o’er and the three black butchers resumed whit they wur daeing before the pick-up and lit up their fags. “Let’s hope there’s mair tae come.”

  “Did ye recognise any ae them?” he asked her.

  “Naw. Jist Willie Commotion. He’s definitely wan ae Streaky John’s boys, so he is.”

  “So, whit did the station say?”

  “Nothing much. Ah telt the desk sarge that the wee shoap across the road wis getting broken intae and hung up.”

  “And dae ye think they’ll come?”

  “Ah think so. Ah telt them aw the fags wur being blagged. That usually gets the pavement pounders excited at the thought ae getting a few packets ae fags buckshee, fur nothing, so it dis.”

  “Is that no a wee bit corrupt?”

  “Whit, a couple ae packets ae fags? Ah’m sure in the big scheme ae things, a couple ae packets ae fags isnae gonnae hurt anywan,” she replied. “Jist wan ae the perks ae the job if ye’re a smoker…which Ah’m no,” she reminded him, as the sound ae an overworked engine and a set ae heidlights appeared oan the Coocaddens side ae the horizon.

  “Right, here we go,” he whispered, lifting up his pen and wee pad, as the wee Commer van slowed doon, before pulling o’er tae the side ae the pavement as wan ae Willie Commotion’s boys opened up the doors ae the scrappy.

  “Christ.”

  “Whit?” she whispered, concern in that voice ae hers.

  “Jackie Brenston and they Delta Cats ae his.”

  “Whit ye recognise them?”

  “Rocket 88.”

  “Eh?”

  “The music fae the radio in the van? That wis the very first ever Rock’n’Roll record ever made, so it wis. These guys ur intae some good sounds, so they ur,” Elvis replied, smiling, as the toe ae wan ae his shoes started tapping away aff ae her leg.

  “Ur you bloody nuts!” she hissed at him.

  “Dae ye recognise any ae them, then?” Elvis asked her, ignoring the dig, as he took doon the descriptions ae the fresh pair, who’d jist exited the van, leaving the passenger door open as the twelve bar rocking beats ae the song filled the back ae their van.

  “Naw. Bit then, that’s hardly surprising. Did ye no say that this pick-up wis being shipped across tae the south side?”

  “Uh oh, we’ve goat company…look,” he hissed excitedly, as the baith ae them turned and peered oot ae the wee back windaes.

  A jam sandwich polis car hid started tae slow doon, switching aff its front lights, as it approached The International pub oan the corner. Wan ae the newcomers said something tae Willie Commotion, who turned and looked alang the road fur a second or two before nodding tae wan ae his boys tae carry oan whit they wur daeing. Fae where they wur sitting, they could tell that the van driver and his mate wur freaked oot by the presence ae the bizzies as wan ae them drapped a box twice, spilling the meat fae it aw o’er the pavement as the other wan leaned in the drivers windae and switched aff the radio.

  “Don’t worry, we’ve goat this covered,” they heard wan ae Willie’s boys saying, quickly bending o’er and picking up the lumps ae meat fae the pavement and slinging it back in tae the box.

  “Whit the fuck…” Elvis cursed, as the squad car stoapped aboot twenty yards fae the van that wis being loaded up, as he wrote doon the registration.

  “Ah’ve goat an uneasy feeling aboot this,” Collette whispered, as Willie disappeared oot ae their line ae vision, as he walked alang the pavement tae where the stationary polis car sat.

  “Here we go,” Elvis whispered.

  “Boys, boys, boys, boys? Whit’s aw the commotion then, eh?” Willie asked, bending o’er and looking intae the driver’s side windae ae the squad car, as Collette quickly scanned the interior ae the van.

  “Ye hivnae heard any unauthorised activity in the newsagents shoap beside youse, hiv ye, Willie?” they heard wan ae the bizzies ask.

  “Naw, and we’ve been here since efter midnight. Why?”

  “There wis a an anonymous call a few minutes ago fae somewan who said the shoap next door tae George Tuppence’s Scrap Shop wis being tanned.”

  “Well, if it wis, we wid’ve known aboot it, unless they’ve gone in through the back.”

  “Aye, the call came fae a phone box, so it did.”

  “Really? Ye mean, jist like that wan across the road there?” Willie asked, as the two occupants ae the squad car squinted across the road at the solitary telephone box wae the corporation van sitting stationary tae the right ae it.

  “Shit!” Elvis squealed, gently lifting up the auld dustsheet and throwing it across the baith ae them while trying no tae rock the van. “Did ye lock the back doors when ye came back in?”

  Silence.

  “Christ! Ah cannae remember,” she whispered, as the pair ae them peered o’er the tap ae the sheet towards the
lock in the middle ae the two back doors.

  “Hing oan,” they heard somewan say, as the wee distinct clunk ae a car door being opened, then the sound ae the door shutting behind whoever hid stepped oot, reached them.

  They lay, haudin their breathes, their heids under the filthy, paint-encrusted sheet, as the faint sounds ae a pair ae feet came towards them. The heidy mixture ae the strong smell ae white spirit fae the dustsheet wis soon competing wae the stench ae Brut eftershave and Hi-Karate body spray. Collette suddenly took an involuntary intake ae air up her beak, as she clasped baith hauns o’er her nose and mooth.

  “Naw, Collette. Please…” Elvis whimpered, panic in that wee whispered screech, as his heart thumped aff ae his collarbone.

  “Ah’m sorry,” Collette whispered quietly, the tears sprouting fae they eyes ae hers, as she again started stuttering and gasping fur air as Elvis clamped baith his hauns o’er her mooth, as they heard the faint groan ae the hinges oan the red phone box take the weight ae the door.

  “Sshhh,” Elvis breathed gently, as the sound ae footsteps came towards the back door ae the van next.

  Under the dustsheet, the baith ae them could jist make oot each other’s shiny eyes in the blackness. Seconds later, though it seemed like ages, baith the back doors rattled violently, as somewan gripped the handle and gied it a good shake. Collette let oot a wee whimper as the inside ae the dustsheet lit up wae the beam ae a torch. The beam suddenly stoapped, hovering against the sheet in front ae their faces, before it reluctantly moved oan tae the rest ae the interior ae the van. Jist as abruptly as the interior hid lit up, the back ae the van wis instantly back tae pitch blackness and they heard the footsteps move away. Elvis went tae lift the sheet o’er his heid, bit Collette clamped her haun roond his wrist. Before he could respond or say anything, the whole ae the back ae the van lit up again, as wance again, the beam ae the torch went scrolling aw o’er the interior, before it went dark again. The baith ae them lay, cramped, scared tae move, listening tae each other’s heavy breathing, as snatches ae Willie Commotion’s voice wafted across tae them.