Elvis The Sani Man

by Ian Todd

  “Look, ye aw know that Ah’m jist wan in a long list ae victims at the hauns ae that crowd,” Collette pleaded.

  “Oh, Ah’m no saying that Ah don’t trust yer good intentions, Collette, hen, bit there ur a lot ae sharks oot there…and that’s jist within the bloody polis force. It wis bad enough back then trying tae get ma life back oan track,” Susan replied, tears welling up in her eyes.

  “The terrible thing is that we’re probably jist the tip ae the iceberg. Imagine how many other young lassies suffered the same as us?” Priscilla wondered, reaching across and taking a draw ae Alice’s fag before haunin it back. “How many, like us, ur still oot there, suffering in silence, keeping their heids doon and praying fur the day ae reckoning?”

  “Ah jist don’t know if Ah’ve goat any fight left in me noo,” Sandra Henderson confessed.

  “Me neither,” Susan Gilroy chipped in.

  “Look, if Ah kin promise ye that this time, it won’t be in vain, wid youse consider gieing me the go-aheid tae try and hiv a go?” Collette asked, as everywan averted their eyes fae hers and looked across at Priscilla.

  Silence.

  “Hivving a go isnae the issue, Collette, hen. Young Susan McFarlane hid a go and see whit happened tae her. Fae where Ah’m sitting, Ah still cannae see how taking wan, never mind a few ae they basturts doon, could be achieved,” Jackie added wae a shrug ae her shoulders, as everywan wance again, focussed back oan Collette.

  “Right, okay, here’s ma thinking, bit jist keep in mind, ma thoughts ur at an early stage, so they ur. Hiv any ae youse heard ae a group ae wummin that call themsels The Showgirls?”

  Silence.

  “Okay, how aboot this wan then. Hiv any ae youse come across a group called SHOWW, which stauns fur Sexual Harassment Ae Wummin in the Workplace?”

  Silence.

  “It’s okay, ye don’t need tae feel confused. It’s awright if ye hivnae heard ae them. The Showgirls ur a wummin’s underground group or organisation here in the toon that takes direct action against men in positions ae power within workplaces like hospitals, universities and colleges, as well as in private companies, like big shoaps. And before ye ask, naw, they don’t hiv a branch in the polis,” she admitted, drawing a few wee wry smiles.

  “Whit dis direct action mean?” Alice asked.

  “Well, Ah’m no too sure aboot everything they get up tae, bit they targeted an owner ae some carpet shoap doon in Queen Street recently. Seemingly, the owner wis regularly sexually harassing aw the young female shoap assistants who worked oan the shoap flair, so he wis. They basically warned him that if he didnae stoap, then they’d plaster the details ae his manky activities up oan posters oan the windaes and walls ae his shoap ootside in the street.”

  “Did it work?”

  “Ah’m no sure.”

  Silence.

  “Some ae them recently squirted Evo-Stick glue in tae aw the butcher’s shoaps alang Dumbarton Road and across in Victoria Road.”

  “Oh, Ah remember that. It wis in aw the papers, so it wis.”

  “Aye, bit whit his that tae dae wae wummin being sexually harassed? Ur aw the butcher’s shoap owners across the city at it as well?” Susan asked. “It sounds pretty discriminate tae me.”

  “Naw, Ah wis telt that the wans who glued the locks in the shoaps ur vegetarians…that’s people who don’t eat meat, in case any ae youse ur wondering…bit who ur also heavily involved in The Showgirls activities. They reckon maist ae The Showgirls activists ur involved in other campaigning groups in the toon as well.”

  “Ah don’t like the sound ae them. Probably aw man-haters, so they ur. They sound like some kind ae anarchists who ur prepared tae break the law. That definitely makes me feel uncomfortable, so it dis,” Bridget volunteered.

  “Fae whit Ah kin gather, this direct action ae theirs is maistly aboot spray painting graffiti oan tae billboards opposite shoaps, factories, hospitals and oan the busy bus route roads the men they’re accusing use tae travel in tae their work. They take photos ae their targets undercover and then plaster their faces up aw o’er the billboards alangside the graffiti. A contact ae mine in the Serious Crime & Intelligence section telt me the force employs a couple ae retired sergeants and inspectors tae pedal aboot the streets at night oan bicycles, papering o’er their handiwork.”

  “Aye, it might be posters the day, bit before ye know it, it’ll be petrol bombs the morra,” Sam said. “Ah think they sound really dodgy, so Ah dae. Whit dae you think, Priscilla?”

  “Well, gieing the crimes that hiv been committed against people like us and we wur the polis and couldnae dae anything aboot it, Ah kin understaun why some wummin wid want tae bypass the authorities,” Priscilla replied, a wee sarcastic twinkle in her eyes, shrugging they shoulders ae her.

  “Well, good oan them, that’s aw Ah kin say. It wis they type ae tactics that wur used tae get us wummin the vote in the first place, so it wis,” Alice reminded them.

  “Aye, bit breaking the law?”

  “Ah’m no talking aboot breaking the law, Susan,” Collette interjected. “Ah’m talking aboot approaching them tae see whether they’d be interested in seeing the contents ae the letters, the written testaments, tae try and see if they’d be able tae dae something wae them,” Collette pleaded, as fags wur lit up and nervous streams ae blue smoke took aff towards the ceiling.

  “Aye, bit tae dae whit, Collette?” Susan came back wae.

  “Ah suppose they could use the information in the testaments tae highlight the plight ae wummin in the polis force, aboot how this behaviour against wummin his being gaun oan fur yonks,” Collette replied.

  “Aye, bit tae dae whit?”

  Silence.

  “So, hiv you or that contact ae yours in the Serious Crime & Intelligence section any idea who the leaders ur?”

  “Naw, bit Ah might hiv a lead. There’s a lassie who nursed me efter Ah ended up in The Royal. She’s involved wae a group ae other nurses in trying tae uncover the facts surrounding that nurse, Rose Bain, the wan who goat run o’er and killed as she finished her shift up in Stobhill a few years ago. Her and her pals ur convinced that there wis a cover-up and that the hit-and-run wis a hired murder job,” she replied.

  “Aye, Ah’ve read aboot it in the papers,” Jackie said. ‘They’re daeing a brilliant job ae keeping it in the public eye, so they ur.”

  “And wis there a cover up, Collette?”

  “According tae ma source, there wisnae. There wis a case review ae the facts by superior officers and it wis established that there wisnae a cover-up by the investigating officers. That disnae mean tae say that there wisnae foul play involved, bit if there wis, nowan fae Glesga Polis wur in there tampering wae the evidence.”

  “So, tell us aboot yer approach then.”

  “Ah’m no sure,” she admitted. “Ma source believes this nurse might be an active Showgirl.”

  Silence.

  “And whit dae you think yersel?”

  “Again, Ah’m no sure at this point oan how Ah’d make an approach. It wis jist an idea, bit surely it wid be worth trying?”

  “Look. Ah’m willing tae gie it a shot, jist as long as nowan ends up getting hurt or the law isnae being broken. Whit dae we hiv tae lose?” Priscilla asked them. “Ah mean, despite me putting her aff, that Lisa Marie ae mine is determined tae join the polis when she’s aulder. Ah blame that Elvis wan fur that. We’re only talking a few years fae noo. Aw that Irish Brigade crowd doon in Central won’t be gone by then, no by a long shot. The thought ae any they basturts getting their clutches oan ma daughter jist disnae bear thinking aboot, so it disnae.”

  “Ah’m still no convinced anywan wid gie a toss aboot whit happened tae any ae us, bit Ah’m happy tae support Collette tae gie it a shot,” Alice Broon sighed, looking aboot at the other wummin.

  “Collette, Ah hope tae God ye know whit ye’re daeing, hen. If ye don’t, this could blow up, no only in oor faces, bit wid probably affect aw oor families. If people sitting roond this t
able ur prepared tae take that risk, then Ah’m prepared tae go alang wae it,” Jackie agreed, looking aboot the table.

  “Is there anywan who disnae want Collette tae proceed? If they don’t, we’ll aw understaun. There’s nae shame attached tae any decision taken here the day,” Priscilla reminded them.

  Silence.

  “Naw? Good. O’er tae yersel, Collette, hen. Tell us whit ye want done.”

  “As Ah think Ah mentioned earlier, that job ae mine’s is awready under threat, despite recently being recommended tae be awarded The Polis Medal fur taking doon a bunch ae black butchers that hiv been poisoning people across in Possil fur years. Ah’m no sure Ah’ll be wearing a uniform fur much longer,” she replied, picking up the wee bundle ae envelopes and stuffing them away in that wee bag ae hers, jist in case anywan changed their minds. “Ah’m gonnae hiv tae go hame and try and work oot how Ah approach this. Ah don’t want tae alarm any ae ye, bit this could be a wee bit dangerous fur me, given who we’re dealing wae. Knowing Ah hiv yer blessing makes me feel mair secure, so it dis. And another thing, probably the less Ah tell ye at this stage, the less likely there is ae any ae youse being accused ae conspiracy later oan, if everything should go pear-shaped. The main thing fur me and any further investigations regarding The Irish Brigade, is that youse hiv willingly sanctioned the use ae the testaments in the letters ye sent tae Susan McFarlane.”

  Priscilla stood up and went and switched the kettle oan again, as aw the smokers reached fur their fag packets.

  Chapter Fifty Two

  He certainly didnae feel like a hero, bit that’s exactly whit Cooncillor Barbara Allan hid publicly declared him tae be, and in front ae witnesses as well, including that boss ae his, Tam Wilson, and the Heid ae Personnel, Terry Grant. It hid even been the Lord Provost, Edwin Shankly, that hid shaken his haun before presenting him wae the signed certificate personally.

  “Ah want ye tae know that the city and ma constituents, in particular, ur aw very grateful tae you and that wee WPC, whit’s her name again?”

  “Collette James, Ma’am,” he’d volunteered.

  “Oh, aye, thank ye, Mr Presley. WPC Collette James, who unfortunately couldnae be here the day due tae the demanding duties placed oan her by a grateful public up there in sunny Possilpark. Ah’ve awready spoken tae Assistant Chief Constable Jack Tipple, who his assured me that WPC James is in line tae be recognised and rewarded by that fine organisation as well. However, let’s no be modest here, shall we, Mr Presley? You wur moved up the ladder tae dae a job, and by God, ye’ve done that and mair, so ye hiv,” she’d gushed, slinging Terry Grant, the heid ae personnel, a dirty look, seeing as she’d hid tae overrule him tae appoint Elvis efter his second interview.

  Everything before that hid been a bit ae a blur. When he’d finally been tracked doon by The Sergeant At Arms, who’d been hunting fur him aw o’er the building fur days, while he’d been trying tae avoid Mrs Purple, efter her wee sojourn in the lavvy behind that door up there in Stobhill, he’d finally run oot ae places tae hide and hid allowed himsel tae be marched, terrified and under escort, oot ae The Tear Drap Café, in front ae everywan, and up tae her office at the front ae the building, which faced oan tae George Square.

  He quickly looked aboot, as he took a wee slug ae his cooling tea. He still hidnae detected many admiring glances being beamed across in his direction, despite him deliberately, bit surreptitiously, drapping that wee fancy-coloured commendation certificate ae his oan tae the fag-ash-covered flair beside Miss Robertson, the front door complaints receptionist, five minutes earlier. Frustratingly, it hid quickly become apparent that she wis too engrossed in whit she wis haudin in her hauns, staring intently intae her china cup, at the scattered tea leaves plastered up the inside ae it, which tae him looked as if some big strapping coalman hid used it as a spittoon, as she searched fur the answers tae aw her ills, tae notice whit he’d casually drapped oan the flair beside her. He knew fine well that a few ae the hawk-eyes, sitting oan their lonesomes, scattered roond the table tops ae the café, hid instantly clocked the rolled-up paper tube the minute it hid slipped fae they fingers ae his, quietly bouncing a few times before settling doon beside they sensible pair ae low-heeled shoe ae hers. He’d then sat cursing himsel silently, though keeping his best poker-face intact, fur clearly making an arse ae it by choosing Miss Robertson as his stalking horse in the first place. He’d thought aboot a repeat performance, bit he didnae think he’d get away wae it a second time, before people sussed oot that he wis jist showing aff and gloating aboot his new found fame. He knew fine well that it wis a cheap shot tae take in the first place, particularly in a place like The Tear Drap, bit he’d jist been so excited tae find himsel oan the receiving end ae some rare praise, that he wis desperate tae share it wae his colleagues, even if they wur a bunch ae well-known, self-indulgent, miserable gits. By quickly accepting the logic ae no repeating the auld ‘drapping the object oan tae the flair tae elicit other people’s attention’ exercise, he’d avoided the self-inflicted embarrassment ae being blown oot ae the water by somewan a lot mair professional at the attention-seeking game than a mere mortal like him. The Queen ae that particular song hid started aff her routine by releasing a wee plaintive ootburst ae sobbing fae across the tables, causing aw the heids in the cafe, including his, tae pop up oot ae the inside ae their cups and mugs like a row ae cats in the long grass looking tae see whit the matter wis. Karen Karoline, The Fastest Typist in The West fur the past three years in a row, who’d been the only other recipient in the awards ceremony apart fae him, wis noo sitting sobbing and whimpering uncontrollably tae hersel. She wis taking full advantage ae her situation efter The Lord Provost, an ex-miner, hid no only crushed they wee nimble, dainty fingers ae hers in his big vice-like haun, bit hid also practically crippled her fur life by shaking her carpal-tunnel-infected wrist up and doon like a mechanical toilet pan plunger. Efter being whisked up tae The Royal oan a stretcher tae get they crushed fingers and that painful wrist ae hers wrapped up in a crepe bandage, she wis noo back, ensconced oan that arse ae hers, hivving been instructed tae stay away fae a typewriter fur ten days. If there wis wan thing that everywan in The Tear Drap Café hid in common, other than him, it wis seizing the golden opportunity tae be at the centre ae a new crisis. By the time he’d goat aff that arse ae his tae scurry across tae pick up his rolled-up scroll fae beside Miss Robertson’s feet, while everywan wis being held hostage by the antics ae Karen Karoline, Spasmodic Jeffries hidnae been looking where she wis staggering oan the way back fae the hot water geezer across in the corner and hid accidently stood oan his good certificate wae wan ae they stiletto high heels ae hers. Efter carefully unfurling it, hivving tae use baith hauns, he’d been relieved tae find that the pierced hole through the middle ae it hidnae gone through his name or the reason fur the award. He reckoned that wance it wis hung up oan his wall at hame, behind a glass frame, alangside his Sanitation Diploma, nowan wid notice. He wondered how Collette wis daeing. When he’d asked the sergeant and a new WPC he hidnae come across before, where she wis, efter they’d loudly rattled they knuckles ae theirs aff ae his ootside door at hauf four in the morning ten days earlier, he’d been informed by wan ae them that she wis away aff somewhere in hot pursuit ae some nasty wee teenage villain who’d been breaking intae the local schools in Possil fur the past two months.

  “Mr Presley?” Shane Priestly, wan ae The Gruesome Twosome hid asked, efter he’d finally been convinced tae open that front door ae his, efter the sergeant’s ID card wis popped through the letterbox.

  “Aye, that’s me.”

  “Right, get dressed. Inspector Dougan his sent me doon tae pick ye up. We’re hitting Black Pat’s operations across Possil, High Possil and Milton, while oor colleagues ur daeing the same across in Maryhill and Partick. The inspector said that ye’d want tae be in oan it.”

  He’d been in that much ae a hurry, he hidnae even taken the time tae tell Priscilla whit wis gaun oan, despite her demanding tae know.


  “Ah’ll explain later, darling,” he’d panted wae excitement, gieing her a peck oan the cheek, before bumping intae Lisa Marie in the lobby, who’d come wandering oot ae her bedroom, rubbing her eyes and yawning, looking tae find oot whit aw the commotion wis aboot, as he dashed alang the lobby towards the front door. “Sorry, hen, must go.”

  The raids hid been well co-ordinated. When he’d arrived at the polis station, the inspector hid been in full flow.

  “Remember, lads,” he’d telt everywan, despite a few female heids bobbing aboot in the company. “Hit them hard and hit them quick. Ah want aw these operations shut doon before the dawn gets up, so Ah dae. These basturts hiv been poisoning aw the poor local residents fur far too long in this area, so they hiv. Let’s strike fur the good people ae Possil who’ve put their trust in us tae reclaim whit is rightfully theirs. Noo, there ur three teams. Red is wae Sergeant McGovern, White is wae Sergeant Priestly and Blue is wae me. The overall command ae this operation lies wae oor civilian expert, Mr Elvis Presley, The Corporation’s chief sani man supremo fur this part ae the city, who’s jist arrived and is sitting up at the back there, raring tae lead us,” The Inspector hid announced, as a few ae the local pavement pounders sitting oan either side ae him, turned and gied him wee curious looks.

  It hid crossed his mind that they must know something that he obviously didnae. Before he’d known whit wis happening, he’d been at the back ae the raiding party, alang at the big shed beside the scrap yard, behind the tenement oan Saracen Street, where him and Collette hid been assaulted. There hid been nowan and nothing there, apart fae scurrying rats the size ae cats and the throat-gagging stench ae sour blood and animal body waste. Their next stoap at a warehouse beside the auld iron works oan Hawthorne Street hid been a bit mair fruitful. He hidnae known the place existed, despite hivving driven past the wall many a time since taking up his post. As soon as the locks hid been hacked aff and the doors slid open, a scene straight oot ae a Hammer Hoose ae Horror film hid confronted them. Thirty-odd deid horses hid been hinging upside doon fae hooks that wur attached tae chains wrapped aroond their hind legs. There wur massive congealed pools ae blood puddles underneath them, where the blood hid gushed oot tae start wae, before hivving slowed doon tae big slow drips, coming fae whit looked like gunshot wounds oan the sides ae their heids, behind their ears. It looked like the poor beasts hid been shot efter they’d been hauled up oan the pulleys in front ae each other. The expressions oan the faces ae the horses hid been wan ae terror. Two ae the polismen and the wee WPC that hid chapped oan his door hid thrown-up oan the spot, while everywan else hid gagged and covered their mooths wae their erms. The bellies ae the beasts hidnae been slit open, so hid gied the impression that they wur aw pregnant. Wan ae the PCs knew whit he wis talking aboot.