I Never Let You Go

by Stefanie Jenkins

  “Oh shit, I need to get inside for this meeting. I’ll see you in a few hours,” Kyler says in a rushed voice.

  “Sounds good, see ya then.” We both hang up, and I set the phone down.

  I sense a presence in my doorway, and I don’t even need to look up to know that it’s my sister. “Have something you want to say, Kels? You know you were never good at being sneaky and eavesdropping.”

  She chuckles. “What would have happened if that wasn’t me.” She walks toward my desk and sits on the edge.

  I lean back in my chair. “See, I don’t have to worry about that because it was you.”

  She rolls her eyes. “Anyways, who do you look forward to seeing later? Got a hot date or something?”

  “If you mean catching up with Kyler Lawson a hot date, then sure.” I chuckle.

  “Hmm, I always wondered why you hadn’t brought a girl home since Lauren. I guess now we know. And look, it’s okay, love is love. But does his wife know about your affair?” She throws her head back in laughter. She holds up her hand, waving it. “I’m sorry, I couldn’t help myself.”

  I shake my head at her ridiculousness.

  “Well, have fun and tell him I say hey and congrats,” she says over her shoulder as she leaves.

  She pops her head back in my office. “Don’t be out too late.”

  I wave my middle finger in the air. I adjust the collar of my shirt and turn back to my computer, shaking off her antics.

  “Thanks for meeting me, man.” I slap Kyler’s back as I slide into the booth across from him. “This place is great.” I look around at the random décor on the walls. There was a place similar to this that Jax and I had found down the street from the office. It was close enough to beat the happy-hour rush after a shit day, or when the workload ran into the late hours and I just needed something to take the edge off before heading home.

  “The food is awesome,” Kyler says, handing me a menu.

  A waitress approaches our table. “Hi, I’m Jill. What can I get started for you fellas today?”

  “I’ll have a Yuengling,” Kyler tells her before she turns her attention to me.

  “I’ll have the same.” Jill nods and walks off to the bar. I relax into the booth. “Wow, I’m not sure I’ll get used to ordering a beer with you. Aren’t you still in diapers?”

  “Asshole. I’m twenty-seven, old man.”

  I bellow out a laugh. “Wow, a lot has changed since my time in Seattle.” The boy I viewed as a little brother once is now a man. He grew up before my very eyes, or well, I guess not since I wasn’t here to see it happen.

  Jill returns, delivering our beers. Kyler holds his bottle up in a toast. “Cheers!”

  I tip my drink in his direction before taking a sip.

  Kyler does the same before setting his drink down. “I still can’t believe you moved back.”

  “Yeah, that makes two of us. But it’s nice being close to my mom and sister.” And Lauren. But of course I don’t say that aloud. “Plus, I get to spend as much time as I want with my nephew. If I were on the West Coast, I would only see him around holidays or through a phone.”

  “Do you have a photo?”

  I pull out my cell and show him a photo of Kelsey holding Baby Liam. He is the perfect combo of both his mother and his father.

  “Wow, look at her, all grown up, married, with a baby.” He hands me back my phone, and I slide it back into my pocket.

  “Ha! Like you have room to talk, Mr. Back From His Honeymoon, and I bet you already put a bun in your wife’s oven.”

  He smirks but doesn’t deny it.

  “It’s just funny to think that back in the day, she was my first kiss, and here we are all grown up.”

  I choke on my beer. Excuse me? Did he just say his first kiss? I wipe my mouth and set the bottle back on the table. “What are you talking about?”

  He blushes. “You don’t know this story?”

  My eyes widen, and I shake my head, waiting for him to continue. Does he honestly think that if I knew this story, I would be asking about it?

  “Well, this is embarrassing.” He chuckles as he brings the glass to his mouth and takes another swig of his beer.

  Ky sits back. “Let’s see, we were about eleven, I think. We had just come home from Katey Sweet’s birthday party and walked into the living room to find you and my sister making out on the couch. You two were both in your own world; you didn’t even hear us come in. Which, thanks for that, asshole—of course back then, gross, and now it’s whatever.” He pauses before shaking his head and laughing. “Nope, it’s still gross!”

  I smile and take another sip of beer, my mouth suddenly quite dry. The talk of Lauren and kissing has my heart beating faster, my palms sweating, and my head swimming with memories. I need to think of other thoughts before I can add my pants being too tight to the list. I also realize that this is the first time he’s mentioned her. There were plenty of moments where I had a conversation in my head, where I asked everything I wanted to know about her, but I never allowed my brain to connect those words to my lips.

  “So, anyway,” Ky says, pulling me from my thoughts, “Kelsey and I snuck out back to the treehouse in my backyard.”

  “Oh shit, I remember that thing.”

  “Yeah, it was one of my favorite places in that house. So once we were out there, we were joking and laughing, making fun of the two of you. You know, the typical pretending to kiss yourself antics kids do.”

  I nod.

  “Neither of us had ever kissed someone before, so we just didn’t see the big deal. Before I knew what was happening, Kelsey grabbed my cheeks and planted one on my lips.”

  My jaw drops. “Wow, I had no idea.”

  “Of course, it was nothing like the kiss we saw you and Lauren share. I’m pretty sure you were checking her tonsils with your tongue, dude.” He cringes, and I snicker. She always tasted so sweet; I wonder if she still does.

  “Why didn’t you ever say anything to us. Does Lauren know?”

  He shrugs. “I don’t think she does. I never told her. Anyways, it was weird. We broke apart as quickly as our lips had connected. There was an awkward silence before Kelsey left me there alone, ran inside, and forced you to take her home. She didn’t talk to me for a week, which at eleven, that was forever. Then we just pretended it never happened.”

  “I am so going to give her shit about this. I can’t believe she held out on this info.” Guess maybe she didn’t want me to threaten to kick his ass like I did all the boys she tried to date.

  Kyler laughs. “I mean, siblings don’t tell each other everything.”

  He has a point. Pulling my bottom lip between my teeth nervously, I use this as an opportunity to bring her up. “Speaking of, does your sister know you’re hanging out with me tonight?”

  His back straightens. “As I said, I don’t tell my sister everything.” I can see it all over his face that he wants to say something else, but something is holding him back. He clears his throat. “You know I’m not getting involved.” I nod; I would never put him in a position like that. “But Lauren is stubborn, and sometimes she just needs a little push to realize what’s important.” He adjusts in his seat and takes a sip of his beer. Wiping his mouth with the back of his hand, he smiles. “But as I said, I’m not getting involved.”

  It’s been two weeks since I saw my brother and new sister-in-law. I know that Kyler had said that my abrupt exit from the wedding reception was fine, but I still feel as though I owe them an apology in person. Before leaving school, I had texted Dani to see if she was home, and she responded right away with “yes.”

  I pull up to their house and only see Dani’s car parked in the driveway. The door swings open before I even get a chance to ring the doorbell. Dani is standing there looking extremely tan, but then again, I would be too if I just got back from a tropical honeymoon.

  Why couldn’t Finn have stuck to the plan? Why couldn’t I have just said yes? Why does he always have to sne
ak his way into my thoughts? Ever since I went through that box, I can’t get him out of my head, but who am I kidding—has he ever really left my thoughts? Of course, it doesn’t help that I keep running into him what seems to be everywhere.

  Dani pulls me into a tight hug. “I’m so glad you texted me. I missed you so much. And you and me need to talk, missy.” She pulls me inside before closing the door. “Do you want anything to drink?”

  “Sure, water is great,” I respond, taking a seat on the couch. I fidget with my hands, thinking about the conversation we’re about to have. I can’t blame her, though, for wanting to know the details—it’s my own fault for never telling her about Finn. He was a huge part of my life, and I kept that from her as we opened up, getting to know each other.

  Dani returns with two glasses of water, and I ask, “So, where is my brother? Working late? The gym with Zach?”

  She looks down at her hands, and a strained expression appears on her face. I can tell right away she is hiding something since she went from her usual bubbly personality to being nervous. Did something happen?

  “He’s umm…umm…out at dinner.”

  “Without you? Wow! You two newlyweds already sick of each other?” That doesn’t sound like married life or Dani and Kyler.

  She throws her head back in laughter. “Yeah, that is definitely not the case. It was kind of a last-minute thing.” Her smile fades. “He’s out with Finn.”

  “Oh.” I take a sip of my water and wish that I had asked for something a little more substantial. “I didn’t realize that they were close like that.”

  “They’re not, I mean, I guess they’re not. At the wedding, they promised to catch up, and Kyler had some meetings downtown today apparently near his office, so they had made plans meet up for drinks and dinner. He just texted me not long ago.”

  “I see.” I know my response is lame, but I’m not sure what to say. I mean, I can’t be mad that they’re out catching up. Finn was a massive part of Ky’s life growing up. He looked up to Finn, especially after our dad left. Finn and Mr. Reynolds were good role models for Ky to have.

  “I almost feel bad for him; he’s been running around trying to play catch-up with work, while I still have another few days before I return.” Dani changes the subject, although I know we will be circling back to Finn soon.

  “We miss you, you know. Well, I miss you. Lunch has been boring.” I set my water on the table in front of me.

  “What, no more love stories to write at lunch?” She jokes at how I wrote the story about her and Kyler’s relationship that Kate and I shared at their rehearsal dinner.

  Dani fidgets on the couch, and I know the questions she has been dying to ask since that day are finally going to surface. I take a deep breath as she begins to talk.

  “So how come you never told me about him?” Her question is honest and innocent. Why didn’t I ever tell her about him? Dani and I have grown closer over the years, but talking about Finn, well, I guess it just brings up too many feelings that I thought I had dealt with—that was, until he showed back up in my life. Now all of those feelings keep working their way to the surface.

  “Well, not much to tell. We were young. We fell in love. It didn’t work out.” I shrug, trying to keep my face neutral, but when my eyes meet hers, I know I’ve failed.

  “Yeah, I don’t know that I believe that fully, but sure, we’ll go with it. I saw the way he looked at you, Lauren. I don’t think he necessarily got the memo that it didn’t work out.” I shrug again. Trust me, he got the memo, and with simple one word “no,” that memo went viral. “Do you have dinner plans?” I shake my head. “Good.” She claps her hands together. “I don’t expect Ky home anytime soon, so let’s order some takeout and talk. Start from the beginning. I’m never here to judge. I’m just curious.”

  I give Dani a weak smile. I know of all people, my sister-in-law understands the power of a broken heart the most. Dani lost her first love when she was only seventeen in a car accident. When she met Kyler, she was still broken, but he helped her open up and welcome the possibility of loving someone again. I tried dating over the years, but no one ever healed the wounds that Finn left behind.

  “Sounds great.”

  Dani hops up and places various takeout menus in front of me. I must say I’m a bit shocked since she loves cooking and being in the kitchen.

  Thirty minutes later, an assortment of Chinese food is on the table, and I start from the very beginning.

  “The summer just before ninth grade, a new nurse started at the hospital—the same shift and floor as Mom,” I begin to say.

  “Finn’s mom?” Dani questions, and I nod.

  “Mom and Denise hit it off, and at the end of summer, she invited us over for an end-of-summer barbecue. It turns out she had a son the same age as Kate and me, Finn, and a daughter Kyler’s age, Kelsey.”

  Dani makes a face, and I can’t hold back my laugh. “Don’t worry; I was the only Lawson to fall for a Reynolds.” My smile fades. Dani reaches over and grabs my hand.

  “It’s okay to not talk about it. I seriously won’t judge, especially after everything that I kept in over the years. It’s not always easy, but I can say that it is better to get it all out there. Who knows, you might feel better talking about it? I mean, I’ve been around four years, and you have never mentioned him once. That seems like a lot to hold in.” Dani gives me a soft smile.

  I shake my head. “No, it’s fine, and you’re right. I can do this.” I put on a brave face and continue. “So we went over to the Reynoldses’ house.” Wow, that feels strange to say “we” meaning the five of us. This was at a time before my dad had left just about two years later.

  “I was carrying a tray of brownies Mom had made when Finn walked down the stairs. He was tall, kind of lanky, but that smile—it made me a little weak in the knees, and I almost dropped the tray.” That smile still has the power to make me weak. “We spent the entire evening getting to know each other and joking. There was a gentle kindness about him. He was polite and funny.” I can’t hide my smile back when I think of a young Finn. “So you can imagine my excitement when I walked into freshman homeroom on the first day of school and saw him. The way the seats were arranged, he ended up right next to me. Over that year, he became my best friend, besides Kate, of course.”

  Dani adjusts on the couch, digging back into her chicken lo mein. “So when did you guys go from the friend zone to…” She pauses. “You know.” She wiggles her eyebrows. I can picture the hundreds of times my brother has said and done the same thing.

  “Wow, you and my brother really are perfect for each other.”

  Her smile takes over her entire face. She is practically beaming.

  “Well, Finn played football, so he spent the majority of the next summer at different football camps. While he was there, he hit a bit of a growth spurt and filled out.” I bite my lip, recalling the muscles that appeared out of nowhere, but they were nothing compared to the muscles he has now.

  “Wait, the football player and the cheerleader…”

  I roll my eyes. Yeah, yeah, yeah, super sweet and cliché like in the romance novels I read. Too bad all of those don’t prepare you for the whole no happily ever after thing.

  “When our family went to his parents’ end-of-summer barbecue again, I didn’t even recognize the boy in front of me. I mean, he wasn’t the only one who changed. I somehow grew boobs overnight. But it wasn’t just our appearances that had changed; there was something in our bond that shifted too. Things were different between us. It was no longer ‘Lo and Finn, BFFs.’ The air between us was charged and tense.”

  I relax my arm against the back of the couch and prop my head on my fist as I recall when things entirely shifted from friends to lovers. “It was homecoming sophomore year. The JV team was making their way back on the field after halftime, but instead of heading directly to the sidelines, they came to where the cheerleaders stood. Each player delivered me a pink rose. Bringing up the re
ar was Finn. That gorgeous smile was just for me as he stepped in front of me. The crowd began cheering louder.”

  “At the time, I was so embarrassed and hid my face in the flowers. Finn pulled them down and asked me to go to homecoming with him. I cried and said yes; then he leaned in and slowly brushed his lips against mine.” I run my thumb over my lips as I remember how perfect that kiss was.

  “Oh my God, that’s so romantic.” Dani sighs.

  I laugh. “Right? That was until his coach yelled at him to get his ass on the field. He asked me to wait for him after the game, which of course I did. The Bull Dogs had won 27-7. That night changed everything for us. The next night at the homecoming dance, he asked me to be his girlfriend, and that was that.”

  We spend the rest of the evening talking about the love and demise of everything Lauren and Finn before moving on to talk about their honeymoon in St. Thomas.

  The sound of the key turning in the front door, followed by laughter, breaks our conversation.

  “Oh, hey, Laur,” my brother says the same time a muffled voice behind him says, “Oh, shit.”

  Stepping out from behind, my brother is Finn. What is he doing here? I flip my gaze back and forth between Finn and Kyler.

  “I didn’t know you were going to be here.” My brother walks over and swoops me into his arms. I hug him back, never taking my eyes off Finn. He stands there with his hands in his pockets, looking around the room nervously.

  “I ended up stopping by after work. Dani and I ordered takeout.”

  After opening up to Dani all evening, and now seeing Finn, I am hit with so many emotions all at once. I feel the room beginning to close in. I need to get out of here before I let him see me cry. Being reminded of how happy we once were, I’m torn between running up and hugging him or slapping him.

  “Well, I should get going.” I give Dani an apologetic look, grabbing my purse from the floor.

  “No, you don’t have to. You can stay,” Dani says, rising off the couch. I don’t miss the death stare she is throwing in her husband’s direction.