I Never Let You Go

by Stefanie Jenkins

  I don’t correct my brother. It’s not that he didn’t want a family anymore; it was that he didn’t want us. When I graduated from college, I was proud of my accomplishments and wanted him there. Part of me wanting to have him be proud of me while the other wanted to show him that his leaving didn’t bother me.

  However, all that I found when I showed up at the address we had been receiving cards from on our birthdays, no presents, just a signed card that said “Dad.” I found him sitting at the dinner table with a little boy on his lap. If it weren’t for him looking just like Kyler did at that age, I wouldn’t have guessed he was my apparent half brother. My dad had a new family, and he never even told us.

  Three months later, Finn was leaving for Seattle, and he proposed. The only reason I’d said no was the heavy weight of that on my mind. My parents had married so young; they were the only love they had known, and one day my dad just stopped loving my mom. I was terrified that it would have happened to us. Of course I wanted to marry Finn, but I wanted us to have our plan, have our careers stable first.

  “What brought this up?”

  “I don’t know.” I lean up against the counter. “I guess I always wondered, but then bigger things came up.”

  “Like Finn coming back home,” Ky interrupts. He says it so matter-of-factly.

  “And you and Dani getting married and going on a honeymoon.” I try to clarify that Finn back wasn’t the only significant change in our lives. I step up to the other side of the island across from him.

  Kyler reaches across the counter and places his hand on mine, knowing it was just a cover-up. “Lauren, can I ask something I’ve never asked.”

  I nod, having a slight guess as to what his question will be.

  “Is Dad the reason why you didn’t say yes to Finn’s proposal?”

  A stray tear slips down my cheek. My thick swallow and staring at my brother must give my answer.

  “Fuck, Lauren.” Ky pulls me around the counter and into his arms, squeezing me tightly. “Why did you let that asshole control your life like that. Don’t let his actions matter.”

  He holds for me a few moments before pulling back. He grips my shoulders tightly and looks me in the eye.

  “Look, I’m not sure about all the gory details of your guys’s demise, that’s your business, but there’s one thing that I am sure of.”

  I wipe the fallen tears with the back of my hand and sniff. I’m sure I look like a hot mess.

  “Finn is not Dad.”

  I sigh and settle back into his arms.

  Kyler’s phone buzzes from his pocket, and he retrieves it, his face lighting up when he sees who is calling; I assume it's Dani. He then places the phone to his ear. “Hey, babe, I’m at Lauren’s.” He goes silent for a moment. “Sure, I’ll swing by and pick her up. Does Zach have a car seat for me?” He pauses. “Yeah, sounds good. I’ll be home soon.”

  I step over to the sink and splash some water on my face. I’m drying my face with a towel when Ky approaches, placing his arms on my shoulders. “I’d hate to cut this short, but Dani forgot that we were supposed to watch Emme tonight for Zach and Haylee, and they just called her worried because we were late. I hate to run.”

  I turn around and place my hand on his chest. “No, no, it’s fine. Go. Thanks for the rum and the cry.” I laugh, and Ky gives me a “you’re not funny” look, which only makes me laugh more.

  “Call if you need anything, okay.”

  I nod as he places a kiss on the top of my head.

  “Give Dani my love, and snuggle that little girl for me.”

  Ky beams at the mention of his niece. “I will. Love you,” he shouts from the living room, halfway out the door.

  I think about Ky’s words as I eat dinner, brush my teeth, and slip into bed. Finn is not Dad.

  “Good morning, baby.” Warm lips press against up my neck, leaving a series of kisses in their wake.

  I groan into the pillow. “Come back in five more minutes. The alarm hasn’t even gone off yet.”

  Finn tugs me into his chest. “I know, but I need to sneak these stolen moments while we can.” His hand trails from my hip and lower, breaching the waistband of my shorts.

  A baby’s cry fills the room through a monitor on the nightstand. Finn slips his hand from my shorts, dropping his forehead against mine, and snickers. “What’s a guy gotta do around here to get some alone time with his wife.”

  The corners of my mouth turn upward. “I’m pretty sure alone time with your wife is what got us this additional alarm in the first place.”

  He nuzzles his face into the crook of my neck, his facial hair tickling my skin, causing me to squirm in his hold. “But it was so much fun.” He peppers kisses along my body—across my collarbone, over my breasts, tugging one of my sensitive nipples in his mouth over my tank top, and it hardens under the swirl of his tongue. He then continues his journey south, placing kisses along my belly, and he puts his hands over the swollen bump. “So fun, in fact, I just couldn’t stop myself from doing it again.”

  As if I couldn’t have planned the timing perfect myself, the baby picks the exact moment that Finn’s lips are pressed against my belly to kick.

  Finn jumps back. “Woah, little slugger!” His eyes meet mine as he smirks. “Cockblocked by my own kids.” He falls back on the bed dramatically.

  I sit up—well, I make it halfway before Finn has to assist—and cup his cheeks. “We have plenty of time for that.” The light shining in through the window catches the diamond on my left hand. “We have forever.”

  “That’s right, Lo, we do.” The sound of my nickname on his lips, after all these years, still feels the same as the very first time. He presses his lips to mine, and our tongues begin swirling. My hormones have been entirely out of control this pregnancy.

  The cries coming from the other room fill our bedroom through the monitor again. We break the kiss, and I shift to climb off the bed. Finn grips my thigh. “I got this; you stay. I’ll bring her in here.”

  I nod, and Finn disappears from our room. I adjust myself the best I can, resting back on the pillows propped up against the headboard.

  I can hear Finn talking to our daughter over the monitor. “Are you ready to go see Mommy?” She giggles as I assume he is tickling her belly. Moments later, he stands in the doorway, shirtless, with our daughter resting her head against his chest. This is something only dreams are made of. How did I get to be so lucky: a wonderful husband, a beautiful daughter, and a son just weeks away from making his debut.

  As Finn and our daughter approach, he catches me staring. “See something you like?”

  I nibble on my lip. “Yes, very much so.”

  My daughter reaches for me as they get closer.

  “Hi, baby girl. Did you sleep well?” She coos as Finn lays her between us. I look down at her, smiling, and then my gaze slowly trails up Finn’s body before meeting his chocolate-brown eyes. “I love you so much.”

  “I love you too.” He presses his lips again mine, smiling, and then leans down between us. “You too, baby girl.”

  I gasp, waking up. My hand flies to my stomach that is still flat as a pancake, not swollen with child like I was in that dream.

  I prop myself up, glancing over at my phone on the nightstand to see what time it is. “3:45 a.m. Great.” I groan. I run my hands over my face, wiping the sleep from my eyes, and adjust my legs so my elbows can rest on my knees.

  I run my fingers through my hair while looking at the empty side of the bed. I reach out to feel the side of the bed. It’s cold, just like it is every night.

  That dream felt so real, and it left me feeling nothing but alone.

  Morning eventually comes, but I tossed and turned the rest of the night, so I am dragging extra slow today. I leave a few minutes early to stop into the local coffee shop on my way to school.

  I stand off to the side of the coffee shop as I wait for my Venti caramel latte. I am currently browsing my Instagram when a shadow stan
ds in front of me. I slowly lift my eyes to find a man staring at me. He is so close the tips of his brown loafers are almost kissing my ballet flats. I take in his blue-on-blue suit, and while he is a rather attractive man with tousled brown hair framing his chiseled jaw, he doesn’t fill out a suit as Finn does.

  This handsome man just approached you, and you’re thinking of Finn? What is wrong with you.

  I give him a brief smile, listening to my conscience. When he returns it, a small dimple pops out on his right side. For most women, that might make them weak in the knees, but I don’t feel a spark. His gaze never wavers from mine, and I notice a soft twinkle in his green eyes.

  “I’m sorry if this comes off too much, but I noticed you when you came in, and you looked a little sad, so I thought I would come over and tell you how beautiful you are.”

  Do lines like that work? I blush at his compliment, but hearing someone else call me beautiful doesn’t make me feel the way it did when Finn called me that. “Umm, thank you. I promise you I’m not sad, just exhausted. It’s a Venti kind of day for me.”

  “Ahh, same for me.” The handsome stranger holds up his Venti iced drink. I look back down on my phone, but he continues to stand there.

  The barista calls outs, “Venti latte for Lauren.”

  I give the man a small smile and reach forward.

  “So, Lauren,” he says, trying to show off that he was paying attention, “now that I have your name, could I maybe get your number and buy you a coffee sometime?”

  “Oh.” I run my thumb along the side of the cup and pull my bottom lip between my teeth. “I’m sorry.” I pause, unsure of his name.

  “Mitchell.”

  “I’m sorry, Mitchell,” I continue. “I’m—”

  I don’t get a chance to say not interested before he takes a step back. “Oh no worries, I should have known that a beautiful girl like you would be taken. Have a good day, Lauren.”

  I should have corrected him, but I didn’t. He’s not wrong though. Deep down in my heart, I am taken.

  I hate that they put the best cereals on the top shelf. While I’m not short, I need to reach up on my toes to grab it. I wish I had worn heels today instead of ballet flats.

  Reach, reach, reach, almost got it.

  “Lauren?” a familiar female voice says from behind me, startling me. My fingers were just touching the box of Apple Jacks when I jump, causing the box to fall and hit me in the head.

  “Shit,” I softly mutter and rub the back of my head right where the corner of the box struck. I reach down and grab the cereal box, placing it into the cart.

  “Oh my God, I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to startle you.”

  I slowly spin to find Kelsey Reynolds staring at me. Or wait, no, it’s Kelsey…I’m drawing a blank on her new last name.

  “Hi, Kelsey.” I smile as she approaches.

  “It’s so good to see you, Lauren.” She pulls me into a hug, and I wrap my arms around her. I look around and wonder if Finn is with her too.

  “How have you been?” She enthusiastically shifts her hand cart from one arm to the other. The movement almost reminds me of when Haylee is holding Emme and moving from one side to the other. I guess maybe that’s a mom thing.

  “I’ve been good.” I mean, it’s not a lie. “I teach second grade over at Central Academy.”

  “Oh, that’s right. Finn mentioned that after his meeting there.” Hearing his name alone makes my heart beat faster.

  I guess there is no avoiding him since, in yesterday’s staff meeting, Ashley mentioned that they are moving forward with Reynolds Contracting on the design and building an outdoor learning experience for the kids. I’m really excited about this project in general, but hearing Ashley talk about the plans that Finn has, I know it is going to be amazing when completed.

  “How about you. I hear you’re married and had a baby.” I may not keep up with the Reynolds family like my mom, but I may or may not have been stalking her social media the other day when I was at the coffee shop.

  “Yep, crazy, huh? Liam is six months old. Chase is amazing.” The way her face lights up when she talks about her husband and son. It reminds me of when I think of Finn…I mean thought. Kelsey has stopped talking and is now staring at me. Does she know I’m thinking of her brother?

  I nervously tuck a stray hair behind my ear and happen to glance down at her basket.

  “Meatballs?”

  “Huh?” She quirks her head to the side, and I point to the items in her basket. I recognize them as ingredients in Finn’s meatballs. “Oh yeah.” She laughs, recognizing she should have realized that easier. “Finn is making them tonight.”

  I bring my hand to my lips, recalling the memory from one of the many times Finn made me that meal.

  “Mmm, something smells delicious in here, babe.” I entered the tiny kitchen of our apartment to find Finn standing at the stove with his back to me.

  “Good, you’re just in time.” He glanced over his shoulder and smiled at me. I scurried over to him; of course, it took all of seven steps before he lifted me onto the counter. “Want to taste?”

  I laughed. “As if you needed to ask. I will always say yes to tasting your balls.” His eyes darkened as he grunted, and I smirked, knowing exactly what I said. “Jeez, your meatballs.” I playfully smacked his arm. “Get your head out of the gutter, ya perv.”

  His laugh filled the small space. It was one of my favorite sounds.

  Finn used a wooden spoon to slice a meatball in half and gathered a little sauce on the spoon before he lifted it to my lips. I sucked in a breath at the warm temperature but soon let out a soft moan as the flavors of tomato, garlic, and basil exploded on my tongue.

  “Oh my God, it’s so good.” I covered my mouth, trying not to talk with a mouthful of food. Finn stepped between my legs, where I sat on the counter and pressed his lips to mine. He laced his fingers in my hair as he deepened the kiss, plunging his tongue into my mouth, seeking my own. After a moment, he pulled back, his eyes now clouded with desire, and he licked his lips.

  “Mm, that is good, but needs a little more salt.”

  He reached for the salt container and added a little pinch and continued to stir the pot with a massive smile on his face.

  “It’s nice to see my brother cooking again.” Wait, he stopped cooking? He loved cooking—why would he stop?

  Kelsey’s phone rings before I can ask her to elaborate. “Speak of the devil.” She holds up her cell phone showing Finn’s name with a photo with her and Finn on what I assume was her wedding day. I can’t help but hold back my smile at the picture.

  “Hey,” she says, holding the phone to her ear.

  I gently brush her arm. “I’m going to go. It really was good to see you. Bye, Kelsey.” She tries to protest, but I turn and leave her in the middle of the aisle and continue my shopping in record time.

  “You have impeccable timing, brother,” Kelsey says into the phone.

  “Was that Lauren?” I don’t know why I ask. I could pick her out of a police lineup just hearing her voice. Why is she with Lauren?

  “And if it was? Kicking yourself in the ass for sending me to the grocery store instead of you?” She laughs.

  Umm, yes, but I don’t say that aloud.

  “Was your Lauren radar going off or something, or did you call for something important?” she taunts.

  What was I calling for actually? Thinking of Lauren made me forget entirely.

  “Okay, I was just kidding on that whole radar thing. Finn?”

  “Right, sorry, I lost my train of thought for a second. Can you add another loaf of texas toast? I just checked, and we need more.”

  “Texas toast, got it. Anything else?”

  Run after Lauren and ask her to join us for dinner. “Nope, nothing else. Thanks for doing this.”

  “Not a problem. See you at home.” She hangs up, and I’m left wishing that Lauren was here sitting on the counter, leaning over, waiting to taste the sauce
just like we used to. It was really just an excuse for me to kiss her. Making this dish won’t be the same as when we made it together, but I’m finally feeling myself enough to make it. I guess having Lauren back in my life has done that.

  Five months.

  152 days.

  3,650 hours.

  219,000 minutes.

  13,140,000 seconds.

  That’s how long it’s been since my father took his last breath. Today he would have been fifty-three years old.

  Kelsey took off work today to be with our mother. They both asked me to come along to the cemetery, but what was the point? I have a daily reminder that he is gone; I am that daily reminder. I would never have taken over Reynolds Contracting had he not died. I am trying every day to walk in his shoes. I don’t need to see the physical proof of the dates on the headstone to remind me that he’s gone. Seeing the first date would hurt even more knowing what came after the dash.

  I could have taken the easy way out today and called out of work as well—I am the boss after all—but I chose to come into the office and focus on something other than the loss.

  My phone vibrates on my desk for what feels like the millionth time today.

  Kelsey: Dinner at moms at 6. It would mean a lot to her, to all of us, if you were there.

  When I notice the clock strike five, I relax back into my chair. I have just enough time to go home to change and make it to my mother’s, but instead, I find myself turning off my computer and walking to the nearest bar.

  I take a seat as the bartender walks over.

  “Hey, handsome, what can I get you?” The busty blonde leans over the bar, her tits on display. Any other man would be daydreaming about smothering his face or sliding his dick between them, but not me. There is only one woman I want to do that with.

  “Bourbon, neat.”

  She pushes off the bar and goes about fixing my drink. When she places it down, I waste no time picking the glass up and chugging it back.