I Never Let You Go

by Stefanie Jenkins

  I hold my hand up to apologize and nibble on my thumbnail.

  “So how does my brother feel about all this?”

  “He’s so excited about it. When we were at the doctor’s, and they said they heard two heartbeats instead of just one, not including my own, I thought he was going to pass out.” This time when I laugh, she laughs with me. “But we are just so happy.” Dani makes a funny face. “Although when I sent him out to the store last week at 11:00 p.m. to pick me up some cookies and cream ice cream, I don’t think he was too happy. But he delivered it back with a smile on his face.”

  “That sounds about right.” I have loved watching Dani and Kyler’s relationship grow from the beginning. They are going to be amazing parents to those babies.

  “By the way, don’t think I didn’t notice how you did that ‘smooth Lawson family subject change thing.’ You forget I know that move well—I did marry a Lawson after all.”

  As I open my mouth to explain, the bell rings, indicating the students will be returning from gym class at any moment. I shrug—saved by the bell.

  She pushes up from my desk, gives one last look to the beautiful flowers, and walks toward the door. She stops just before exiting and spins around. “You know, I don’t mind if you lie to me, but I think you should probably stop lying to yourself, Laur. It clearly wasn’t”—she releases her hold on the doorframe and uses her hands to make air quotes—“nothing. Just think about it.” With that, she is out the door. Oh, trust me, Dani, it’s all I can think about.

  I adjust my clothing and composure as the students begin to pile back into the classroom with their little red and sweaty faces before I continue with today’s lesson plan.

  A large glass of sweet Moscato - check.

  Black leggings - check.

  One of my favorite Belle Willis books on my Kindle - check.

  I can’t think of a better way to end a long day. I soak up the silence living alone brings, especially after a day like today, when my usually sweet students were replaced with wild versions of themselves after gym class. But as much as I love my routine here, it feels as though something is missing. I wrap the blanket around me that just the other night, I had used to cover a drunken, passed-out Finn on my couch.

  I bring the fabric to my nose and inhale. Woah, what am I doing? Did I expect it to still smell like him? Why do I feel a sense of disappointment come over me when it no longer holds his familiar scent?

  I need to stop thinking about him, but I can’t help but wonder what he is doing? How does he spend his evenings? I know that he lives with his sister right now, but does he go out? Does he date? Jealousy fills my mind at the thought of Finn with another woman. I have no right to feel that way, especially when we are what, friends? I can’t let little things like that get under my skin; he is allowed to do whatever he wants just like I am. Yet, I turned down another date offer. To add fuel to my internal fire, I glance over at the vase of flowers I brought home and set on the end table. What does all this mean?

  Running my hands over my face in frustration, I have no clue what to do or feel. I need to free my mind of Finn, so I set my Kindle into my lap and open one of my favorites from Belle Willis and allow myself to get lost in someone else’s love story.

  My favorite potato-loving hockey player is currently teasing his leading lady with his tongue ring along her neck. There is so much sexual tension between these two, I feel like I’m ready to combust. I reach for my wine and take a large sip. Oh my, Belle writes some seriously steamy heroes. Tongue rings are so sexy.

  I will find out if she tastes as good as she smells, but if I learned anything from book club, it’s that chicks can’t resist a slow burn. I’ll take this so slow we’ll burn like incense.

  His thoughts couldn’t be any more accurate. There is nothing sexier than the sexual tension built in a slow-burn romance novel. Shit, Belle could have been easily describing Finn and me there. I really might be losing it.

  My phone chimes on the coffee table, and I set my Kindle down. I can’t help but wonder who is interrupting when things were just getting good. It’s probably Dani wanting to talk more about the flowers. When I look at the screen, it’s not her name though. The message is from an unknown number.

  Unknown: Hey.

  Me: Who is this?

  I stare at the number, and it hits me like a ton of bricks that I know exactly who this is.

  Unknown: It’s Finn. Jeez, did you not save my number the other day.

  Me: Well, I would have if you had given it to me. But…

  Unknown: Holy shit, I didn’t give you my number back, did I?

  I can’t hold back my laughter. Did Finn think that he gave me his number? Although I can’t judge. It wasn’t until the end of the school day today when I wanted to text him to say thank you that I realized I didn’t have it. Now that I know he thought that, does he think I was just ignoring him and not grateful for the flowers?

  Instead of asking my brother for his number and risking even more questions, I just figured I would need to wait until I inevitably ran into him.

  Me: Nope.

  Unknown: I hope it’s okay to be texting you. I know there’s that unwritten rule where you’re not supposed to text a girl until three days after she gives you her number.

  Me: I’m not sure that applies to us, though, don’t you think?

  While I wait for his response, I add his name to my phone.

  Finn: Yeah, you’re probably right.

  Me: Actually, I’m glad you texted me.

  Finn: You are?

  Me: Yeah, I wanted to thank you.

  Finn: For…..

  Fishing for compliments, I see. I snap a quick photo of the flowers and press Send.

  Finn: Wow, those are beautiful. Do you have a secret admirer or something?

  Me: Something like that. But a word of advice, if you want to play dumb, *whispers* maybe don’t sign the card. Ha

  Finn: Duly noted.

  Me: Thank you, you didn’t need to do that. It was nothing.

  Finn: Yes, I did. It was not nothing. It was everything.

  I stare at my phone in shock at his words. I reach for my wineglass and take a giant swig when another text comes through.

  Finn: So, what are you doing?

  Me: Just sitting here reading. Nothing too exciting.

  Finn: Another Belle Willis novel?

  Me: Maybe….

  Damn, he’s right.

  Me: What about you? How does Finn Reynolds spend his nights?

  I press my palm against my face, embarrassed at my question. Why did I ask it like that? Oh, boy, please don’t think I was flirting. Was I? The three dots appear and disappear over and over, and then a photo appears. My insides turn to mush, and my heart squeezes—a picture of the cutest little boy lying on Finn’s chest.

  Finn: Tonight, it’s just the little dude and me. I let Kelsey and Chase have a date night.

  Me: OMG! Adorable.

  Finn: Why thank you, but I thought we established years ago that I was adorable.

  I roll my eyes but can’t hold back my smile. I set my Kindle on the table, realizing that I won’t be getting back to my book, for now, or maybe it’s more that I don’t want to.

  Me: Cocky much? I meant the baby. *eye roll emoji*

  A few more photos appear in the conversation. I flip through them—one with Liam in a high chair being fed something orange, and a selfie with said orange stuff on Finn’s face. I can’t hide my laughter at that one. Lastly, there is a video attached. I press Play. My breath hitches as the video is similar to the first photo he had sent with Liam on his chest. It zooms in on him, and you can hear soft snoring coming out of him. Oh my goodness, baby snores are the cutest thing. The video then zooms out to show Finn again. When the video stops, I run my fingers over the image, fighting back the emotion.

  Finn: You still there?

  What do I say? Yes, just over here imagining what you would be as a dad. Would our child look like you or me
? I reach over and grab the glass of wine on the coffee table. At this rate, I might be hungover for work tomorrow. I am mid swig when my phone vibrates again. I nervously open the message.

  Finn: So, there was a reason I was texting you.

  Me: It wasn’t just to see that I got the flowers?

  Finn: No.

  Me: Care to share with the class.

  Finn: Ha! You just pulled your teacher’s voice, didn’t you?

  Me: *Smiley face emoji*

  The three dots appear again and disappear. Moments pass and silence from Finn.

  Me: Did you leave me?

  I instantly regret my words, because yes, you did leave me. I didn’t mean it like that. I meant did he fall asleep or decide he was done talking to me. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

  Finn: No, sorry. I put Liam in his bed.

  Phew. A sense of relief washes over me.

  Me: Oh, ok. You said there was a reason you were texting me.

  Finn: Yeah, so I was wondering if maybe you wanted to get lunch sometime.

  Yes. No. Umm, is this a good idea? I type my response and delete numerous times. I jump when my phone vibrates in my hand.

  Finn: Stop overthinking it, Lo. It’s just lunch. Two friends have lunch all the time.

  Me: I’m not overthinking it.

  Finn: I know you. Plus, the three dots keep moving with no response.

  Me: I’m not the same person I was, Finn.

  Finn: I know that. Give me the chance to get to know you.

  I nibble on my bottom lip as I type my answer. I let out a shaky breath just as my finger hits the Send button. One word holding all the power, all the emotion, all the vulnerability…

  Lauren: Okay.

  I stare at the phone in shock. Lauren agreed—she actually agreed. I mentally high-five myself. We are definitely going in the right direction. And I meant every word I said. I know that we’re different people now, but I want to know everything there is to know about Lauren Lawson and show her that she is still the one for me.

  I want to know what makes her laugh and cry these days. I want to know if tomato and mozzarella is still her favorite thing to eat. I was glad to see that pink roses were still her favorite. It took me going to two floral shops to find the correct shade of pink, but it was worth it. I think the only thing that could have topped that is that the delivery guy got to see her smile in person when she saw and held them, not me, but there is plenty of time for that. This surely won’t be the last bouquet I ever give her.

  I’m currently stretched out on my bed with one arm propped behind my head and the other holding my phone.

  Me: Does it make me sound eager if I ask if you’re free tomorrow?

  I see the three dots appear indicating that she’s typing, but then it disappears. Then it starts back up again, and I regret my text. I was just so excited that she had said yes and wanting to see her again, on purpose this time, that I might have scared her away.

  Lauren: No, that wouldn’t make you sound eager, but I can’t.

  My shoulders slump, and I let out a loud sigh. I knew I pushed her too far. I knew I should have waited to text her.

  I know I’m overthinking things, but maybe she remembered how much I hurt her by putting that distance between us. Perhaps I’ve read it all wrong, and this isn’t what she wants. I begin to type out a response, but another message from Lauren appears almost immediately.

  Lauren: But I’m free the following day.

  I throw my arm in the air just like Judd Nelson did at the end of The Breakfast Club in victory.

  Me: I can do that.

  Lauren: Are you sure? I don’t want you to have to rearrange your schedule.

  Oh no, there is no way I’m letting her get out of this that easily. I’m the boss; I can create my schedule.

  Me: It’s fine. Like I told you before, I’ll always make time for you.

  Lauren: Okay.

  I don’t waste time typing my response out before she can change her mind.

  Me: How about I stop by your classroom with food. Unless you would prefer to go out somewhere, but I figure it may be more comfortable.

  That and she can’t back out unless she calls out of work. Fuck, would she do that just to avoid having lunch with me?

  Lauren: I’d like that. It’s probably the easiest for me.

  It’s a date, although I don’t tell her that. This needs to be perfect. The day after tomorrow, I begin Operation Get Lauren Back.

  “Mr. Reynolds.” I look up from my phone to see Lauren’s boss walking toward me. “Finn, I’m sorry, I wasn’t expecting you today. Did we have a meeting and I forgot?”

  “Oh no, today’s visit isn’t about business; it’s strictly pleasure.” Fuck. I wince at my word choice, instantly regretting it while her eyebrows shoot up, definitely questioning my choice of words. “What I meant was”—I hold my hands out as if talking with my hands would help the situation—“I’m not here for a meeting. I’m having lunch with one of your teachers, Miss Lawson.”

  “Oh, I didn’t realize you two knew each other.”

  “We grew up together and recently were reacquainted. Just two old friends having lunch, that’s all.” Why the fuck did I just say that? Pretty sure she probably thinks I’m nuts and will pull the plans for us. Good going, Finn.

  “Ah, I see. Well, enjoy your lunch, Finn.” She gives me a soft smile before continuing down the hall. I readjust the bag in my arms and grip the back of my neck with the other hand as I finish walking to Lauren’s classroom.

  I stand in the doorway, watching Lauren nervously straightening her desk, shuffling papers around. I cover my teeth with my lips to keep from laughing when she moves her stack of books three times before putting it back in its original spot. I know these are things she does when she’s nervous, but it’s just me—no need to be nervous.

  I didn’t think she could ever get more beautiful, but it seems that every time I see her, she does.

  She then grabs her purse off the top of her desk, and with her keys in hand, she turns to face me.

  Oh no, I know she’s not running away.

  I clear my throat. “Going somewhere?” I ask as I step into the classroom.

  She jumps when she hears my voice, clutching her chest.

  I step into the classroom, and her eyes slowly trail up my body. I have no shame in admitting I put a little more effort into how I look today, knowing that I was spending time with her. I settled on black slacks that are snug around my waist, and a purple button-up shirt with the sleeves rolled up, revealing my toned forearms. There is a moment of hunger in her eyes for a moment before she composes herself and blinks it away.

  After I mentally pat myself on my back for picking a color that I know she always enjoyed seeing me in, and clearly that is still true, I focus my attention on her purse and keys. She follows my line of sight. “What? No. I was umm…” she babbles, “I was just going to run to the car for something, but I can get it later.”

  Lauren’s cheeks turn the brightest shade of red since I caught her trying to escape.

  “Hmmm.” I walk past Lauren, catching a whiff of her familiar scent and set the bag down on the empty spot on her desk.

  “What’s in the bag?” She peeks over my shoulder, and I move to cover the bag from her sight. I always loved teasing her, and I see she is still impatient as ever.

  She touches my arm to try to see, and I have to swallow thickly and take a few breaths to keep from spinning around and pulling her into my arms.

  “Patience. Patience.” I smirk at her.

  She finally gives in, pulling her chair out and taking a seat. “You know some things may have changed over the years, but patience is not one of them.”

  She crosses her arms and pouts. When she sticks her bottom lip out, I want to claim it. Get your thoughts together, Finn. Or you’re never going to get through this lunch without your cock busting through your pants. No pun intended.

  To keep things G-rated or on the friend scale,
I just nod. “Good to know.”

  I open the bag and peek over at her. She looks just like a little girl on Christmas morning waiting to see what Santa brought her.

  I reach in and pull out multiple Tupperware containers. I hear her gasp. “Oh my God, when you said you were going to bring lunch, I thought you just meant that you were going to pick up lunch on the way. I didn’t realize you meant that you were going to make lunch.”

  I laugh because Kelsey had the same reaction when she found me in the kitchen putting all of this together early this morning when she came to get a bottle for Liam.

  “You’re really pulling out all the stops for this, huh?” Kelsey asked in shock as she watched me move around her kitchen with ease, cooking yet again.

  “She’s worth it.”

  Hell, yes, Lauren is worth it all. I begin to open the lids. My stomach rumbles when the delicious aroma of Old Bay hits my nostrils.

  “First up, I made my grandma’s famous shrimp macaroni salad.” My dad’s mom lives on the Eastern Shore of Maryland, and when I visited, I was taught to put Old Bay on everything. Lauren joined us on many trips there, and my grandma quickly figured out how much Lauren loved this dish, so she always made sure to have it made when she knew we were coming.