I Never Let You Go

by Stefanie Jenkins

  I walk over to the bookshelf and begin ripping books from the shelf and throwing them on the ground. Lies, all lies. All they ever do is lie. I’ll love you forever. I’ll wait for you. You’re the only one for me.

  “What are you doing?” Kate asks, approaching me with caution.

  “These books are bullshit. They teach you how to love, not what to do when your heart gets stomped on. They don’t tell you what happened when people always leave you.”

  I fall to my knees with my hands in front of me while I try to catch my breath.

  “Why did I have to fall again?” I look up at her, the tears streaming down my face. One arm covers her mouth in shock at my outburst while the other is wrapped tightly around her waist. Her own eyes are glassy with tears.

  Kate takes a seat and holds my hand in hers. “It’s who you are. When you love, you love with everything you have. That’s one of the things I love most about you.” She exhales loudly, readjusting herself, pulling one leg under her but keeping my hand in hers. “You and Finn have a bond like two magnets. No matter how much you try not to feel those feelings, you can’t help it.”

  “Yeah, well, we don’t have to worry about that now. Finn’s gone. He left. I missed my chance yet again. I did this.” I slump my shoulders and look down at my own lap. The iron coat of armor is finally melting, and my emotions begin to get the best of me. My anger turns to grief. I need to grieve the loss of the love we once shared. I struggle for air as I drop my head into my sister’s lap and let the tears take over. “Why wasn’t I enough for him? Why am I never enough?”

  I wanted to believe that Finn was nothing like my father, but he left just like him. How can I not compare the two? Is there something wrong with me that the men in my life can’t stay around? Kyler is the exception to the rule, never leaving.

  Kate slowly runs her fingers over my hair, trying to soothe the pain, but nothing will help. I should have known getting close to Finn again would only lead one place: my heart getting broken—again. Kate comforts me a second time in my life over a broken heart from Griffin Reynolds.

  Sitting in the SeaTac airport, I wait for my flight home to board, satisfied that my best friend is making the move. Everything is coming together. My time with them this visit was short but enough to tide me over while he gives notice and puts the house on the market. I know he is concerned about telling Courtney’s parents about the move, but this is good for him and Andy. I reach into my pocket and grab my phone. I see a black screen. Shit. When did my phone die? I didn’t recall the last time I used it. My sole focus was spending time with Jax and Andy.

  As Jax predicted, Andy was my alarm clock this morning when he jumped on top of me before my alarm even was set to go off.

  I walk over to the convenience store there in the terminal and purchase gum, a cola, and a new phone charger. I find a seat near an open outlet and wait for my phone to kick back on.

  There is a voicemail from Lauren and text messages out the ass from my sister.

  Kelsey: What the hell did you do?

  Kelsey: I just saw Lauren leave the office upset. Did you do something to hurt her?

  Kelsey: Damnit Griffin, I need you to be near your phone.

  Kelsey: I don’t know what happened, but Lauren spoke to your assistant, and something must have gone down. I swear to God if you fuck this up again with her, I will kill you myself.

  Woah, what? I’ve been gone not even forty-eight hours. What that the fuck happened? I decide to listen to Lauren’s voicemail.

  “I’m done playing this hot-and-cold routine with you, Griffin Reynolds. Fuck! I told myself I wasn’t going to do this. I was supposed to have been done crying over you on the flight back from Seattle.” Lauren begins to break down. “Why wasn’t I enough. Why couldn’t I be enough for you? I thought we were happy, but it was clearly all an act. I was doing just fine moving on before you bombarded yourself back into my life when you came back here. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Well, enjoy Seattle and your new life. I guess I was never meant to be a part of your life. Goodbye, Finn.”

  “We are now boarding flight 531 to Philadelphia.” I choose not to call Kelsey back, and I am still trying to wrap my head around Lauren’s words. What does she mean why wasn’t she enough? Of course, she was enough—she still is. And what does she mean on the flight back to Seattle? When the hell was she in Seattle?

  I try calling Lauren back, but it goes straight to voicemail.

  “Lo, I’m so sorry.” I sigh heavily, running my fingers through my hair. “I don’t know what it is I’m even apologizing for, but damn it, I’m sorry. I’m sorry whatever I did or said for you to think you aren’t enough, because baby, you are enough. You’ve always been the one for me. Look, I’m on my way home, and as soon as I land, I’m coming for you. I love you—always have, always will.”

  I disconnect the call. Fuck. I need to talk to her. I need to see her.

  I have to think quick on my feet as I stand in line with my boarding pass in hand. I open a new message to Kyler and pray.

  Me: I need to talk to your sister. Ky, it’s important. Do you know where she will be tonight? I’m about to board my plane from Seattle back home. Let me know asap.

  It feels like an eternity as I wait for a response. Had she talked to him? Does he know what’s going on? Does he hate me? I know the Lawson kids are close, but I just don’t know.

  I’m sitting in my seat, and the flight attendant has already asked me once to put my electronics up in preparation for takeoff. I’m about to give up when my phone finally buzzes.

  Kyler: That was kind of a weird message. Not sure what’s going on with you guys, but we are all going out to Lucky’s tonight for karaoke. Feel free to join us.

  I exhale and relax into my seat as we prepare for takeoff. It’s time to finally start fighting for what I should have never let go—Lauren.

  I enter the front door to Lucky’s bar, and it’s not hard to spot the giant crowd that is Lauren and her family. I make my way to her table and recognize Kate, Kyler, Dani, her brother, and his wife, but there is another couple I don’t know. It seems I interrupted a friends’ night out, but if she is pissed, I can at least say I had an invitation from her brother. I know she can’t stay mad at him, never could.

  “It might be date night for you guys, but I’m as single as a nun in a whore house,” I overhear Lauren say as I step up behind her chair. There’s a bitterness to her voice that I don’t like.

  “What about a whore house?” I chime in, and I instantly notice the tension that fills Lauren’s shoulders. While it wasn’t the warm welcome I was expecting, it feels like when I approached her at Ky’s wedding. What the hell happened from the time I left her on her front porch till now?

  “Finn,” Kyler shouts across the table, “pull up a chair.” I glance over and see Lauren watching my every move. I settle my chair in the empty seat next to Lauren and a guy I don’t recognize.

  As I take my seat, I introduce myself to the unknown couple. “Hey, I’m Finn.”

  The guy nods. “Ryan, and this is my wife, Cami.” I shake both of their hands. From the corner of my eye, I see Lauren still staring at me.

  I lean closer to her, our bodies almost touching. “See something you like, Lo?” I see a fire ignite in her eyes, turning the usual honey brown to nearly golden.

  “Yeah, as a matter of fact, I do.” I catch a whiff of her fruity scent as she reaches over me for the tray of shots her sister had just laid down on the table. “I’ll take one of those.”

  “Ugh, Laur, you don’t wanna do that.” Kate looks at her sister and possibly is thinking the same thing I am—Lauren Lawson doesn’t do shots.

  She ends up grabbing two of them and downs one before even asking what’s in them.

  “Fuck!” She winces but still looks beautiful.

  “Well, I’m glad I got extra.” Kate passes out shots to the crowd.

  “It’s cool, guys, do your tequila shots in front
of the preggos. When these monsters are born, it is on,” Dani jokes with her hands resting on her belly. I still can’t believe Kyler is going to be a dad and to twins at that.

  “You said it, sister.” Haylee raises her water glass to Dani and cheers.

  Kate narrows her eyes at me when she hands me one.

  Everyone downs the shot. I welcome the burn. Small talk overtakes the table, and I learn that Cami went to college with Kyler, Zach, and Haylee, and Ryan was one of their professors. That sounds like a story for another time.

  I love how everyone has made me feel welcome—that is, except Lauren. She has had her back to me the entire time, while she whispers with Kate. Kate isn’t the best at being discreet about things, so of course I know they were talking at me with every glance she threw in my direction over Lauren’s shoulder.

  “I’ll get the next round.” Lauren is out of her seat and walking toward the bar before I can even turn in her direction to offer help. I get up to follow her. I find her firmly tapping her fingers against the bar while waiting for more drinks.

  “Lauren, we need to talk.”

  “I don’t have anything to say to you.” She doesn’t turn around, but at least she acknowledged me, so that’s a start. I step up next to her as she turns to face me, her elbow propping up on the bar top. Flashbacks of our run-in at the wedding come back; the same hostility, if not more, radiates off her. “And what are you even doing here? I thought you were gone.”

  Gone? Before I have the chance to ask where I would go and to tell her that I had told her I wasn’t going anywhere, the bartender places two trays of drinks down.

  She picks one up, and I pick up the other. She doesn’t say another word back to the table. Setting the trays down, we pass out the drinks. In a low voice, I say, “Lo, we seriously need talk.”

  “All right, all right,” a man on the stage says in his best Matthew McConaughey impression. “Looks like we have a newbie on the stage tonight. Please welcome Lauren to the stage.”

  “Excuse me.” Lauren brushes past me and makes her way toward the stage. The seat next to me, though, does not stay empty for long. The sound of the chair screeching against the floor has me turning my direction to eyes just like Lauren’s.

  “What are you doing here?” Kate asks in a stern voice. “I thought you left.”

  Okay, there it is again. “Why does everyone think I left? I was in Seattle for work for a few days.”

  Kate looks up toward the stage and then scoots closer. “Lauren went by your office yesterday, and your secretary said that you went back to Seattle. I spent the evening consoling my sister because she was a mess. She was ready to give you her heart again, which honestly I think has been yours this whole time, but she thought you left her again.”

  No matter how much of a tough front Kate Lawson puts up for most people, I know the real her. The person who will do anything for her siblings, and when they hurt, she hurts. I can feel the hurt that Kate feels, so I know that what Lauren must have felt was excruciating. No wonder she left me that voicemail. My head hangs in my hands, and my shoulders slump.

  Kate touches my shoulder, and when I glance up at her, she nods toward the stage. I turn the same time the spotlight shines on my girl, and the first few notes of the song begin to play. All talk at the table stops, or maybe I just tune them all out because my whole attention is on Lauren.

  I don’t even know the last time I had heard her sing, but it was well before we broke up. When the song title appeared on the screen, I knew this was going to tug and crush my heart a little. But I didn’t realize how much until her brown eyes met mine. That was all it took, and I was done for.

  My eyes never leave hers as she sings “Goodbye to You” by Michelle Branch. I run a hand over my stubble and swallow thickly as I fight back the emotion I can feel coming off her. My heart is breaking as I realize she is singing this to me. She thinks I abandoned her. I will never leave her again. Fuck, I should have told her I was going. No wonder she hates me. The entire bar disappears, and she is singing just to me. She keeps her eyes on me the whole time, never straying. I know that she feels this pull between us: I can feel it in her words, see it in her eyes. I feel it deep in my soul, but why is she saying goodbye? We can finally be us again.

  As the music fades and the applause grows, I know now is my chance, but as I make my way to the stage, she takes a quick right and heads for the bathroom. She might be far away, but I didn’t miss the tears she wiped away as she walked through the crowd.

  I want nothing more than to pull her into my arms and take all the pain away, especially the pain that I caused, and give her all my love. I push past the crowd and follow her to the dark hallway. Here goes nothing… Actually, no—here goes everything.

  When the song ends, I ignore the cheers and applause and escape the stage as quickly as I can. I head straight for the bathroom to splash water on my face. When I came out tonight, I definitely did not expect to run into Finn. What is he even doing here? His assistant said he left to go back to Seattle. Maybe I shouldn’t have deleted his voicemail from earlier.

  I also hadn’t expected to have been hit with so many emotions at once, but we needed this. This was our goodbye. As I go to close the door behind me, a firm hand pushes the door open. What the hell? Finn makes his way into the small room with me.

  “What the hell are you doing? Do you have any idea of personal space or what?” I spit out, staring at his reflection in the mirror. He is the last person I want to see right now.

  Finn leans against the door and reaches behind him, and the sound of the lock clicking fills the empty room. He never takes his eyes off me. I bring my bottom lip between my teeth as tension fills the room.

  “Finn, I need you to leave. Please. Just go. I can’t do this right now.”

  He takes one step toward me and then another. My heart beats faster, just being enclosed in this small space with him. I hold the countertop tightly, my nails trying to leave a mark. He still has not said anything, but his eyes never leave mine. There is an intensity to them that I have never seen before.

  Finn stands directly behind me and spins me around to face him. “Stop!” I throw my hands against his chest. “I can’t do this with you. Please.” I beg him with my eyes. My vision is beginning to blur as tears spill over.

  “Lo.” He places his hands on the back of my neck and settles his forehead against mine. I hold my breath with his closeness. His scent surrounds me. “Lo, look at me.” His voice is low and stern, so I do. “I love you, and I would say it’s pretty clear from that performance that you still love me.” I turn away, and his fingers pinch my chin to bring my gaze back to his. “So, I need you to explain to me what the fuck are you doing fighting this?”

  I try to pull back from his grasp, but he tightens it and steps even closer to me. I shake my head. I can’t hear him say these things. ”It’s not that easy.”

  “Why not?” He grips my arms tighter.

  “I can’t. We can’t. I need you to leave. It’s what you’re best at, Finn.”

  He pulls back. This time the love and sincerity in his eyes turn into anger.

  “I asked you to marry me, and you said no. I may have let my insecurities get in the way, but you were the one who gave up on us; you gave up on me. You are the one who changed their number, remember, not me—you.” He steps back into my personal space, but I refuse to back down.

  “Why are you even here? Just go back to Seattle.” I push him back. “You have a life there, one I’m not a part of. I chased you once, but I’m not going to do that again—I can’t do that again. I barely survived it the first time.” My voice drifts off to barely a whisper.

  His palm cups my face. “Baby, you’re not making any sense. What do you mean you chased me once before?”

  We can’t keep doing this song and dance. It’s time he knew. Through teary eyes, I say, “I went to Seattle, six weeks after you left. I wanted to tell you that I was wrong, that I did want us to figure this
out, that I did want to marry you, to come to you to say yes. That all that mattered was you. I just wanted us to start the rest of our lives together.”

  He pushes off me and paces the small bathroom. “What are you talking about, Lo? You never came there.”

  I quietly shake my head, letting the tears continue to fall. I can’t handle reliving this moment knowing that this is it—this is the closure we’ve been searching for. “I said no, and that was my punishment. I pushed you directly into...”

  Before I can go on, Finn has closed the distance, and his lips are crashing on mine. I gasp in surprise, and he uses that to his advantage by plunging his tongue in my mouth, seeking mine. This kiss is punishing and desperate—punishing us for the time we spent apart and desperate to feel each other again. I grip his shirt in my fist, pulling him closer to me.

  My lips are back on his. There is no time to think, no words left to say. Our kisses are hungry as if we are trying to make up for the lost time. His tongue licks the seam of my lips, and I open willingly. I lose myself in this kiss, or maybe for the first time in years, I find myself. His hands roam my body as I grip the back of his neck. His hands slide down my back over my ass, finally settling on the back of my thighs, and he hoists me up, and I wrap my legs around him. I continue to grind against him, feeling him harden under me, as he carries me to the counter. The heat and passion radiating between us is enough to set this bar up in flames.

  Finn kisses down my neck, nipping at my skin. I hiss at the slight sting. This moment has been years in the making—it’s going to hurt in the best way possible.

  I press my palm against his chest as he scrapes his tongue against my collarbone. “Wait. Wait,” I say breathlessly. “We can’t do this here.”

  “Baby, I have waited ten years to be inside you again. This is happening here and now.” His tone is rough. I wrap my arms around his shoulders as his fingers continue to explore my body. I have never been more thankful than I am today to have worn a skirt.