Bandwagon

by Andrew Fish

with that bucket of bolts you called Nutter.’

  The words echoed in Ben’s brain as he strode past Dobbsy and Mark, gripped the banister of the nearest staircase and propelled himself up, two steps at a time.

  ‘Are you alright?’ Dobbsy called after him.

  ‘I will be,’ Ben replied without turning his head. Dobbsy nodded happily.

  ‘As soon as I’ve whacked Tony’s head into a wall,’ Ben finished and Dobbsy’s smile disappeared instantly. He grabbed Mark’s arm and dragged him up the stairs.

  ‘What?’ Mark whined.

  ‘Come on,’ Dobbsy insisted. ‘We’ve got to prevent a murder.’

  ‘Why?’

  ‘Firstly because it won’t be any good for Ben if Tony dies.’

  ‘Yeah.’

  ‘Secondly, because it won’t be any good for Tony if Tony dies.’

  ‘So?’

  ‘Thirdly, it won’t be any good for us – this is the first manager we’ve had.’

  They caught up with Ben outside Tony’s door at the top of the stairs. As they joined him, Ben put his finger to his lips and Dobbsy realised that they could hear a conversation taking place inside the room.

  ‘The matter’s been taken care of,’ a gruff voice remarked.

  ‘Matter?’ The smooth voice was obviously Tony’s. ‘Oh, you didn’t do anything drastic, did you?’

  ‘He got the stuff using your name.’

  ‘I’m forty thousand down and you’re worried about a couple of tarks-worth of Cram? I think you need a holiday.’

  ‘It’s not the money,’ the gruff voice insisted. ‘It means he was aware of your involvement.’

  ‘So? And what difference would that make?’ Tony seemed puzzled. ‘The evidence all went up with the robot.’

  There was no answer from the gruff voiced man.

  ‘What did you do?’ Tony asked him.

  ‘I silenced him,’ the man replied simply.

  There came the sound of tutting. ‘Tacky,’ said Tony. ‘Very tacky. You do realise that’s more likely to get us into trouble than anything he could have done.’

  ‘It was a robot,’ gruff-voice protested. ‘Nobody investigated the other robot’s death.’

  Ben realised that gruff-voice was obviously responsible for Vid’s death and made a lunge for the door. Dobbsy and Mark caught his arms and restrained him. Ben struggled, but Dobbsy turned Ben’s face to his and shook his head.

  ‘Listen,’ he whispered. Ben relaxed and his arms were released.

  Someone, probably Tony, could now be heard pacing the room; clearly events were getting on top of him. ‘Nobody investigated the other robot’s death because it looked like an accident,’ he told gruff-voice. ‘A robot that explodes for no apparent reason is one thing, but one with a bullet-hole is an entirely different proposition, particularly when it’s a visible public figure.’

  ‘Doesn’t affect us,’ said gruff-voice. ‘We can be out of here before anyone works it out.’

  ‘And where would we go? We can’t go back to Ezra without the Cram or the forty-thousand. Shanks would shoot his mother if he she lost him five notes.’

  ‘You don’t know that.’

  ‘Where do you think his sister went?’

  ‘I thought she went out for a packet of tobacco and didn’t come back. They said she disappeared.’

  ‘She came back alright. Without the tobacco or the money – that’s why she disappeared.’

  ‘Well, we don’t need to go back to Ezra. We just need to leave here.’

  ‘We still owe Harry. If we go making enemies everywhere we’ll never be safe anywhere.’

  ‘What? And you think you can make the money with that bunch of talentless halfwits?’ gruff-voice challenged.

  ‘Bands make money.’

  ‘Not that one. Even Harry’s lost business since you brought in those idiots. I think he’d be glad to see that back of us.’

  This time it was Dobbsy who made a lunge for the door. Ben grabbed him and turned him round.

  ‘He was talking about us!’ Dobbsy hissed.

  ‘I know.’

  ‘He called us talentless halfwits.’

  ‘And?’

  ‘Yeah, alright,’ Dobbsy conceded, ‘but he didn’t have to say it.’

  Inside the room there was a scraping noise as Tony dragged a chair into position and sat down. ‘Do you have any other ideas where we raise that kind of money?’ he asked.

  ‘Get the robots back,’ gruff-voice suggested. ‘They were pulling in the numbers.’

  Tony sighed. ‘With two robots missing, they’re scarcely a band.’

  ‘Still got the guitarist.’

  ‘And how do you propose that we persuade them to come back?’ Tony asked sarcastically. ‘A free crate of Lube? Spacemiles?’

  ‘I could persuade them.’

  ‘Your kind of persuasion wouldn’t help – we need them in working order. Besides, you can’t batter the whole world into doing what you want. No, we’ll just have to work with what we’ve got.’

  ‘With all respect,’ gruff-voice challenged, ‘with what we’ve got, we’ll owe Harry forty-thousand in a couple of weeks.’

  ‘Give them time,’ said Tony. ‘If I have to castrate them I’ll get them in tune.’

  There was a disrespectful grunt from gruff-voice and then the door handle began to turn. Ben flattened himself against the wall. Dobbsy and Mark simply stood still, until Ben kicked Dobbsy in the leg, and then Dobbsy grabbed Mark and dragged him into the shadows. The door opened and a man came out – a man in a suede jacket. Ben made to lunge forward, but Dobbsy and Mark held him back once more, waiting until the man had gone before releasing him. When they let him go, Ben frowned at his captors and dusted his jacket.

  ‘Right,’ he said. ‘I’m going to have a little word with Tony.’ He strode into the room followed by Mark, who was supporting a limping Dobbsy.

  Tony was sorting papers at his desk when the delegation entered. He looked up from where he was feeding papers into the shredder – a small robot with a wide mouth, which ate the proffered paperwork hungrily – and smiled warmly.

  ‘Gentlemen,’ he began. ‘So nice of you to drop in. I was looking for you to talk about some promotional ideas.’

  ‘Don’t give me that crap,’ Ben replied tersely. ‘We know about you and the man in suede.’

  Tony was the picture of wide-eyed innocence: he looked up at the group quietly until the silence was broken by a burp from the shredder. ‘If you mean the gentleman who just left, I’m afraid that’s the first time I’ve met him. He was hoping to get me to release you from your contract, in fact, but I told him that I wasn’t prepared to sell.’

  ‘Another lie?’ Ben challenged. ‘How do you come up with them so quickly?’

  ‘I don’t know what you mean.’

  ‘We heard you talking. We know about Nutter, Vid, the drugs – everything.’

  ‘I see. In that case, you won’t object if I change my answer to your previous question.’

  A brief expression of confusion crossed Ben’s face.

  ‘You asked me how I come up with lies so quickly,’ said Tony.

  Ben shrugged.

  ‘Practice,’ said Tony. ‘Do forgive me - it’s one of those things I’ve always wanted to say but never had the opportunity.’

  ‘Has anyone ever told you that you’re a smug bastard?’ asked Dobbsy.

  ‘Flattery will get you nowhere. Now, I’m assuming that you came here with some purpose other than trading insults. What can I do for you?’

  ‘Jump out of the window?’ Mark suggested hopefully, all desire to keep Tony as a manager dissipated.

  Tony smiled. ‘I’m afraid not,’ he said, ‘this is a new suit and I’d hate to ruin it.’

  ‘We came here to tell you that we’re leaving,’ said Ben.

  ‘Did we?’ Dobbsy hissed at him.

  ‘I am,’ said Ben. ‘You can do what you like.’

  ‘Leaving?’ said Tony. ‘Is that it? No
threats, ultimatums, demands?’

  ‘What kind of demand could I possibly make?’ said Ben. ‘Resurrect my friends? I know I couldn’t demand money – you haven’t got any.’

  ‘You could still demand it if you wanted.’

  ‘I wouldn’t take your money as toilet paper,’ Ben snapped.

  ‘And you’re not threatening me with the police?’

  Ben shook his head. ‘If the police got hold of you then the worst that would happen is you’d get a few years behind bars. Personally, I think that leaving you stranded with no money, angry creditors and a disgruntled heavy would have much more immediate results.’

  Tony nodded. ‘Very clever,’ he remarked. ‘Don’t you feel even slightly threatened by having me still around?’

  ‘No. I mean, you might talk big, but actually you’re a nobody, aren’t you? You’d gain absolutely nothing by trying to get to me – no more than old gruff-voice would have got by trying to threaten Riff and Keys into coming back. You’re finished.’ He turned on his heel and strode out of the door. Mark followed, still supporting Dobbsy by the elbow.

  Three robots sat around a table in a bar. Despite the splendour of their surroundings and the large collection of empty glasses, there was a universal feeling of gloom.

  ‘It’s over,’ said Keys for what seemed like the twentieth time.

  ‘I know,’ replied Riff. ‘I never realised just how important he was to us.’

  ‘Come on guys,’ Hal pleaded with them. ‘You can’t jack it in now.’

  ‘Why not?’ said Keys. ‘Are we contracted to keep playing until we’re all dead?’

  ‘You think Vid would have wanted you to give up?’ Hal persisted. ‘You two are the soul of the band: people want to see you – they want you to keep the memory alive.’

  Keys shook his head. ‘It’s no good,’ he said. ‘We don’t have anyone to play the bass.’

  ‘That’s