From Smoke To Flames— Amazon: A West Brothers Novel

by A. M. Hargrove

  “What do you mean?”

  She finally sat down across from me, on the floor. “The surgery introduced you to the opiates, right?”

  “Yeah.”

  “And initially, they reduced your pain. But, and be honest here, did you like anything else about them?”

  “Mostly it was the high.”

  “Think back, Pearson.”

  I forced my mind to go back to the beginning. “I remember going home at night, totally stressed, and taking one. I guess they had a numbing effect, or maybe more like relaxing.”

  “And then what?”

  “I’d usually fall asleep. And come home the next night and do a repeat.”

  “How long did this keep up?”

  “Months.” I remember the shoulder felt fine, but I’d go back to the doctor and complain about how much pain I was in.

  “When did your use escalate?”

  “Months later. The doctor finally figured out I was abusing the prescription and told me he wouldn’t write anymore. He recommended physical therapy, which I never did since it wasn’t necessary. That’s when I went to street drugs. Soon, I was taking them all day long. It wasn’t fun anymore.”

  “Okay, go back to before, when it wasn’t bad yet. You’d come home at night. Your shoulder felt fine, yet you still wanted the pills. Why?

  “I see where you’re going here. They made me not care so much about work.”

  “And why was that so important?” she asked.

  “Because I was arguing with my partners all the time about cases they were taking. I was disagreeing with them about things.”

  “What kinds of things?”

  “I don’t remember specifically because I was high all the time. Maybe it was that.”

  “Are you sure about that?”

  “I missed court dates because I overslept and some other very important things. So yeah, I’m pretty sure. But I’m pretty fuzzy on a lot of things.”

  “I can see them getting angry about that. Was there anything else?”

  “Before I started using, one of the partners and I would go at it a lot.”

  “What did you argue about?”

  “Ethics mostly. I didn’t agree with a lot of the cases he wanted to …” my voice trailed off as I rubbed my arms.

  “Bingo.” She grinned. “You immersed yourself in drugs to relieve the stress. Think, Pearson.”

  The light bulb suddenly came on. “Oh, shit. Why didn’t I see that?”

  “Like I just said. Your brain was clouded. So, how about thinking through the whole process again, starting with work.”

  “Yeah, I see where this is going. I argued with a couple of my partners, specifically two of them because of the cases they were taking on. I wasn’t in agreement with them and didn’t concur with their ethics, but they overruled me. It created a huge amount of stress for me, not to mention killed my happy.” I remembered the arguments we’d get into time and again.

  “Okay, so you’d use opiates to numb yourself in order to handle what was going on at work until you became addicted. You didn’t even realize why. The why is because you were unhappy, stressed out, and didn’t agree with their ethics. Now that you’ve figured it out, you can move forward, reinvent yourself, and find your new career path. You already have a name for yourself. All you have to do is start again.”

  “Sylvie, you make it sound so easy, but it isn’t. My firm will make it very difficult. I have a no-compete clause.”

  “Why do you have to practice in Manhattan? There are other places to set up a law firm.”

  “Where?”

  “Anywhere. Think outside the box. Golly gee whiz, you’re brilliant. Use your brain.”

  “Golly gee whiz?”

  “Shut up.” She slapped my leg.

  Then we both laughed. It felt good too.

  “Pearson, have you thought about starting your recovery process with Rose?”

  “What do you mean?”

  “Okay, hear me out. You said that what you did hurt a lot of people. It’s probably not possible to make amends to all of them. But you can with Rose. And it can be a beginning of the healing and recovery process.”

  She was right. I had time to think about this and make a plan.

  “You’re exactly right. Helping her can be part of the answer. One thing is certain. If the firm is part of the reason I ended up here, I don’t have a desire to go back there.”

  “You do realize that lawyers are at a high risk of drug and alcohol abuse because of the stress of their profession?”

  “No, Sylvie, I didn’t. But I do now. Thanks for coming to find me. I really appreciate this conversation.”

  “Come on. Let’s go find some food. You must be starved.”

  We went to the dining room and she was able to arrange for some lunch for me. I inhaled it as she watched in fascination.

  “Out of curiosity, how long did you run?”

  “Long enough so I couldn’t stand up afterward.”

  “Jeez. No wonder you were starving. Think you can make it to meditation this afternoon?”

  “Sure, I just need to shower first. Oh, do you know who my new counselor is?”

  “Yeah, it’s Jeremy. He’s really good. You two will hit it off.”

  “Thanks. I’m sorry it didn’t work for Rose and me, but I think I can help her. I’ll see you later.”

  Sylvie had given me a lot to think about. And when I did, it opened the door to a whole lot of other things I had kept closed for a long time … things I had never admitted to myself … things that I didn’t think mattered. But deep down, they were what had catapulted me to this place I found myself in.

  I closed the door to my room and sat on the bed. Turning my arms up, I stared at the now healed needle marks. They were so faint, I had to really search to find them. I was one of the lucky ones. I hadn’t been using that long to develop the deep scarring addicts often got. I also was lucky in that I hadn’t contracted HIV or some sexually transmitted disease from the countless women I’d had sex with. There were so many, I couldn’t even recall their names or what they looked like. Most of the time I’d been so fucked up, I didn’t remember bringing them home. It was only when I woke up and they’d been in bed with me, naked, that it came crashing down on me. At the time, I realized it was an escape, but when I’d started to analyze it, I’d swept it under the rug and saved it for another day.

  Now I knew why. I wasn’t that tough guy I’d always believed I was after all.

  Chapter Nine

  Rose

  * * *

  Was it possible that Pearson would help after how I’d treated him? I was afraid to think it or to hope for it. Nothing had gone my way and I couldn’t bear to be let down again, especially where my daughter was concerned.

  My next patient came in and our session went well. She was on her final week and seemed prepared to face the world on her own. Everything pointed in the right direction and she would continue with NA. We had already lined up a sponsor for her, which she would be meeting here before she checked out.

  Afterward, Sylvie and I talked and decided Jeremy would be a good fit for Pearson. I set up a time to talk to him so I could fill him in on Pearson’s progress. I would meet him this afternoon, right after meditation class.

  Then I met Sylvie for lunch.

  “Have you seen Pearson since this morning?” she asked.

  “No, but I’d have no reason to. Why?”

  “He missed group and he’s not here. He usually is in here by now.”

  “Hmm. I don’t know.”

  We ate and then afterward, she said, “I’m going to go look for him.”

  “Okay. Let me know if I can help.” I’m not sure why I offered. I was the last person he probably wanted to see.

  I was on my way back to my office, when the director of the facility, Leeanne, stopped me.

  “Rose, can I have a few minutes?”

  “Sure, what’s up?”

  “In my office
, if you don’t mind.”

  I followed her down the hall and took a seat across from her.

  “I don’t know how else to say this, so I’ll just come right out with it. It seems to me you’ve lost your Zen.”

  “What do you mean?”

  “I sense a disturbance with your peacefulness. Is there something going on that you’d like to discuss?”

  I twisted my fingers. This was a topic I didn’t care to discuss with her, but maybe she deserved to know. “I’m having issues with my ex-husband and daughter. He’s making it difficult on me and I’m noticing some changes in Montana.”

  “That explains it.” She got up and went to her shelf where a dozen or more small vials were stored. Then she came over to me with one and dabbed a drop beneath my nose. “Breathe in.”

  I smelled lavender and lime.

  “You haven’t been using your diffuser, have you? Or wearing your necklace?” she asked.

  She was referring to my essential oil diffuser and necklace that held a medallion that contained essential oils.

  “No. I keep forgetting.”

  “This will set you back on track, but you must remember, Rose,” she scolded.

  “I know.” I rubbed my forehead with my palm.

  “And don’t forget to put it on your pillow at night. I hope you’re tending to your potted lavender at home.”

  I offered up a sheepish look.

  “Good Lord, Rose. It’s a wonder you’re not a patient here.” She handed me one of her many pots of lavender, a couple of head wreaths, and said, “Now remember to water this. And talk to it. It will love you back.”

  “Thank you, Leeanne. I have been so preoccupied lately.”

  “I’m going to be asking after you every day from now on. We at Flower Power must always be in our Zen.”

  “Yes, yes, you’re exactly right. Thank you for my pot.” I scurried out of her office and down to mine. Then I set up my own diffuser and got it running with some lavender and lime oils. It filled the room with its lovely scent in no time at all.

  Later that afternoon, I saw Pearson as he was leaving late afternoon group and I remembered the extra head wreath in my office. “Pearson, hang on a second.” I ran to my office and grabbed the wreath.

  He was waiting for me when I came back. “Sylvie told me you missed meditation today, so I wanted you to have this to wear. It’s great for calming and soothing.”

  His eyes bugged out more than just a little. “Um, Rose, I appreciate it, but I’m not sure about this.”

  I pushed it down on his head before he had much more of a chance to object. He probably thought it wasn’t manly enough for him to wear, but to hell with that. When you were fighting addiction issues, you should be open to anything and I told him as much.

  “You really believe all this stuff?”

  I stuck my hip out as I gave him the eye. “Of course I do. Do you honestly think I’d give you one if I didn’t?”

  “Maybe as payback, yes.”

  “I’m not that kind of a person. Ultimately, I’m here to help you. It will put you in your Zen.”

  He looked around and then nodded. “I’ll give it a go. Can’t hurt, can it?”

  “Not at all. Let me know what you think.” Then I went back to my office. It was time to wrap up the day. I needed to speak briefly with Sylvie before I left.

  As I was walking to her office, a text popped up. It was from Greg.

  Can you keep Montana this weekend? Something came up and we have to go out of town.

  Of course, I’d keep her so I answered him quickly so I wouldn’t lose my chance. It would be like him to hire someone instead.

  Yes, I can do it.

  I saw the three dots indicating he was texting me back.

  We’ll drop her off at the center as it’s on our way. We’ll be there at five.

  I replied back that it was great.

  Then I told Sylvie about it when I got to her office.

  “Oh, you might mention that to Pearson. He may want you to do something.”

  “Like what?”

  She shrugged. “It may be worth mentioning though.”

  After giving it some thought, I decided she was right. I gave her the information I needed to share and then left in search of Pearson. I found him in the activity room, where I shared what was happening with him.

  “Have you been keeping a file of everything on him?”

  “If you mean all the shenanigans he’s pulled, then yes.”

  “Excellent. Continue to do that on everything he does. Even if you think it’s something small, write it down.”

  I nodded, saying, “I’ve also asked for a schedule of her playtime because she tells me she has to sit in her room a lot.”

  “That’s stretching it a little since she’s … how old?”

  “Four.”

  “Yeah, a four-year-old can have a muddled perception of things.”

  “She acts frightened of him, though.”

  “Now that’s a completely different story. And you’ve kept notes of this as well?”

  “Yes.”

  “Good. Make sure you bring me your divorce decree and custody papers tomorrow so I’ll have time to review them by Friday.”

  “I will. And, Pearson? I honestly don’t know how to thank you.”

  “Don’t mention it.”

  I turned to walk away but then said with a grin. “No head wreath, huh?”

  A sheepish look came over him. “Er, well, I wore it for a while, but then decided to wear it in my room.”

  “I see. Not very manly, is it?”

  “To be honest, no. But I’m going to give it a try. I promise.”

  “Just remember, staying calm, however you do it, is worth it and much better than using drugs any day.”

  “Truer words were never spoken. Thanks.” He smiled and I swore my pulse raced.

  Chapter Ten

  Pearson

  * * *

  I sat on the edge of the bed and stared at that damn wreath in my hands. Normally, the thing would already have been in the trash, but every time I went to throw it in there, guilt blanketed me. That was the last thing I needed. I was carrying around so much of it already, adding to it was about to break my back. With a groan, I crammed the thing on my head.

  Don’t do it, man, don’t do it. You’ll regret it.

  I should’ve listened to myself, but I wasn’t that smart. I checked myself out in the mirror and it about did me in. “So this is what it’s come to?” I looked like I belonged in fairyland. “Good thing Hudson and Grey can’t see me. I’d never live this shit down.”

  Sitting back down on the bed, I waited for the calm to descend. The only thing I felt was ridiculous. I decided to give it thirty minutes. Wearing that special crown of foolishness was wearing down my patience. Time sure did crawl when you wanted it to fly. Twenty minutes later I gave up. The thing was making my head itch. A few minutes later my face started itching too, and it wouldn’t stop. I looked in the mirror again. My face was bright red and I had a rash. Did she put poison ivy in that thing?

  Maybe a shower would wash whatever was in that thing off. I jumped in and shampooed my hair and face, hoping for the best. Evidently, the best wasn’t good enough. It only worsened.

  An hour later, I went to the front desk, inquiring about how to see a doctor, since the infirmary was closed.

  “Wow! You’re really red. What happened?”

  I explained and it was determined I needed to see a doctor.

  “Can you call my cousin Sylvie?”

  “Sure.”

  When she got on the phone, I had to explain it all over again, but this time she laughed.

  “It’s not funny. I look like a walking tomato.”

  “Not to worry. I’m on the way.”

  Ten minutes later she pulled up in front and we drove to the urgent care that Flower Power contracted with.

  Sylvie said, “Glad to see you brought the wreath.”

  �
��Yeah, and it’s the last time I’ll wear one of these.”

  “I’m impressed you put it on.”

  “I did it in my room. What’s in this? Poison ivy?”

  She snorted out a laugh. “I can’t wait to tell Rose about this.”

  “I’m so thrilled you find this funny.” I scratched my head.

  “Stop that. You’re only making it worse.”

  “I feel like I have a million ants biting me.”

  “Jeez, you must be really allergic to whatever is in there.”

  I huffed, “Really?”

  “Okay. I know you’re miserable.”

  “That’s an understatement. But It can’t be the lavender because I’ve been putting some under my pillowcase every night.”

  “There’s eucalyptus and lemon verbena in there. I’ll have to call her to see what else.”

  The urgent care clinic wasn’t busy when we arrived. After taking down my information, they called me back. I asked if Sylvie could join us since she was more knowledgeable about these plants. She had already spoken to Rose and had a list of what was in the wreath.

  I got the feeling the nurse and doctor both were holding back a laugh when I told them I’d worn the damn thing on my head.

  “It’s the lemon verbena,” the doctor said immediately. “It has the reputation of causing dermatitis and unfortunately, Mr. West, you’ve developed a severe case of it. I’m going to give you a steroid shot and I want you to follow up with this dose pack starting tomorrow morning. That should straighten you out. You can also add an over-the-counter antihistamine if you’d like, but I don’t think you’ll need one.”

  “Doctor, how long before my face stops looking like an award-winning tomato.”

  The nurse snickered.

  “You’ll see some improvement by tomorrow.”

  “Thanks,” I said.

  As I was leaving, he said, “Stay away from those head wreaths.”

  If Rose was here, I’d probably choke her. Sylvie left the room so the nurse could give me the shot in my ass. This had turned out to be quite a day.

  On the way back to Flower Power, Sylvie ran me by a pharmacy to get my prescription filled. Afterward, we drove back to the center.