His dad’s face crumpled. Even from the distance he was at, Colby saw it happen. Something inside Colby reacted to the sight, something he’d thought long dead; it had him clutching the rail and holding on for dear life.
He still loved his dad. Despite everything that had happened, he still had feelings for the man.
Unbelievable.
“Can I call you?” his dad asked.
“I don’t know if I’ll be here.”
“What do you mean?”
He didn’t know what he meant. He didn’t know anything except he needed the sanctity of his apartment, a place where he could think.
“Son?”
A place where he could figure out just where the hell he’d gone so wrong.
“Goodbye, Dad.”
Chapter 20
“What do you mean he’s gone?”
Jayden stood in the middle of the barn aisle, the look on her boss’s face one she’d never seen before.
“He just took off.” Jax lifted the cowboy hat he wore, raking his fingers through his salt-and-pepper hair. “Came over to the house last night and told me he had something to do. Said you and Derrick would be fine on your own today, because we’re transitioning out our first batch of veterans so we can bring in the new ones next week. I didn’t have the heart to tell him no. The man’s been here nearly five years and never taken a vacation. But I have to be honest, Jayden. I’m a little worried he won’t be back. Naomi said he seemed shell-shocked.”
“Did you tell him I’d quit?”
Jax shook his head. “Didn’t have time. Derrick said he had a visitor last night.” She watched her boss suck in a deep breath, his eyes full of concern. “His dad.”
His... “What?”
“I know. Showed up out of the blue. Called me on my cell phone, although I have no idea how he got my number because I’m pretty much off the grid. Going to have to look into that, but the point is I think something his dad said has him spooked. Derrick said he couldn’t hear much of what was said, but what he did hear sounded pretty heated. I checked the surveillance feeds and they didn’t leave together, so I don’t think he went back to Texas. I think this was something else.”
Gone. She should have felt relief. Instead all she felt was an overwhelming sense of concern. He’d seen his father. Well, she knew firsthand how upsetting that could be. Colby might have wounded her to the core with his inability to care for her, but she didn’t wish him ill, and she knew how much his father and that woman had hurt him.
“Look,” Jax said. “If you want to call that friend of yours now, see if she’s available to start today, that’d be great. I think it might be smart to start bringing her up to speed. Between you and Derrick, I think we’ll be okay.”
“I can do that.”
“Great. I knew I could count on you.”
She didn’t have time to do much more than run around after that. Every once in a while she’d turn to look for Colby, to ask him a question, but he wasn’t there. Soon enough her friend Chandra arrived. And that brought on a new batch of feelings, because once she brought Chandra up to speed, she’d be leaving, too, and she wondered if she’d even get to say goodbye to Colby.
Who cares if you don’t get to say goodbye?
That was what she told herself, except there was no sense in denying it anymore. He might have rejected her and it might have made her feel as if he’d taken her heart and tossed it on the ground and then used his toe to grind it into the dirt, but she still cared for him. She tried not to think about it. When she went home that night, she wrapped her arms around her daughter, holding her tight. And the next day, when Colby still wasn’t back, she worked with Chandra. It helped to keep busy because every time she cracked the door on her feelings, her stomach tightened, and she had to turn away from examining the emotions she fought to keep contained.
He’d left...and he hadn’t even said goodbye.
* * *
He drove all night.
He had no idea why it was so important for him to get to where he was going, just knew he had to get there before...
Before what?
Never once had he felt the urge to visit the grave of one of his fallen team members. And why Victor? Sure, he’d hit it off with the soft-spoken man who’d been raised in the same state he’d been. Victor had been younger than him by a couple of years, and if Colby were honest with himself, he’d tried to be a mentor to the young man.
And he’d been killed. On his watch.
The pain the words wrought had him blinking against tears. They surprised him. He’d been so good at keeping it in, the pain, the sadness, the disappointment in himself. And then his dad had visited, and it’d brought it all back.
He slept in his car when he got too sleepy to drive. Headed right back out and to the small town outside of Dallas where he knew Victor was buried. The last time he’d been there had been for the funeral, when he’d handed the flag to Victor’s mom, the young man’s fiancée sitting next to her.
He’d never seen anyone look as heartbroken and shattered as Victor’s fiancée. It still hurt to think about it.
He pulled into the cemetery and headed toward the American flag in the middle, the place where locals buried their military. The place where he’d stood years ago and watched as they’d lowered Victor’s casket into the ground.
It took him a moment to get up the strength to leave his truck.
When you getting married? Colby had asked.
Soon as I get back, Victor had answered.
Colby’s hands were clenched tight around the steering wheel. Finally he gathered his courage and slipped out of the truck, drawn to Victor’s grave by a force he didn’t understand. Bad idea? Good idea? He didn’t know.
It took him a moment to find the grave. Didn’t realize he was crying until he spotted Victor’s name and the words were blurred. He wiped at his eyes.
“Damn, kid, it’s been a while, huh?”
He closed his eyes, clenched his hands. He didn’t know what to say. Didn’t know why he’d driven so far to visit the grave of a fallen soldier.
Except...maybe he did know.
“I’m sorry,” he told the young man. “I did everything I could to get you and the others out there. I really did.”
He wiped at his eyes, his knees giving out, Colby kneeling on the grass in front of the alabaster grave marker.
“It should have been me,” he said. “I was the one who got us into trouble, not you. I should have never moved the team to that location. I should have just waited. But I didn’t and now...”
He shook his head, wiped at his eyes again.
“It should have been me.”
Except then he wouldn’t have met Jayden. If none of it had happened he would have gone home to Texas, married Liz, maybe had a kid or two, but it wouldn’t have been the same. What he felt for Jayden was so different and so much deeper than anything he’d ever felt before. The only thing that came close was how he’d felt toward his team.
“I think I understand why I was left behind now, though,” he told Victor. “She needs me.” He couldn’t speak for a moment. “And I need her.”
* * *
“You look like someone chewed you up and spat you back out.”
It was Friday, and Bryan Vance was their last guest to leave before new ones would start to arrive next week. Their most troublesome wounded veteran rolled toward her, something that wasn’t quite a smile, but wasn’t exactly a frown, either, on his face. He’d been a model guest ever since that day when she’d forced him to ride on his own.
“Hard to say goodbye,” she admitted. And not just to Bryan, but the other guests, too.
“Aww, come on. You won’t miss me.”
The man stared up at her with his serious brown eyes and she suddenly felt like crying. Why, she had no idea.
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“Actually, I will miss you.” She did something impulsive then, bent down and hugged him, the man stiff at first but then slowly relaxing. When she drew back, she would swear his eyes were rimmed with red.
“Thanks for everything, kid.”
She reached for his scarred hand, squeezed it. “You’re welcome.”
They heard a vehicle approach and Jayden’s heart jumped in her chest, but it was just the transport van coming for Bryan.
“You won’t be missing me for long,” the man said. “Jax invited me back. Said I could stay with them if I wanted, but I told him I doubted his mansion was handicap-friendly, so I’ll probably hang out with you guys down here.”
“We’d like that,” she said as the van came to a stop nearby, its tall sides casting a shadow on the ground. A horse neighed in the distance. Even though she’d be gone. She’d never see Bryan again. Suddenly she felt like crying once more.
“You have any luggage?” said a black-suited driver who came around the back and pushed a button near a sliding door.
“Over there,” Bryan answered, nodding with his chin to his cabin and the duffel bag Jayden spotted near the front door.
“I’ll go get it.”
“Stay,” Bryan ordered, and then he smiled softly. “Let the man do his job. I wanted to talk to you anyway.”
“Uh-oh,” she said, watching as the driver headed off for the luggage, but not before starting the process of unfolding the device that would lift Bryan into the van, the whir of the motor filling the air.
“You love him, don’t you?”
She didn’t pretend not to know who he was talking about. “No.”
Liar.
She gulped. “I care for him. I thought maybe one day there might be more, but it just didn’t work out, and that’s for the best. I’ve just begun my career as a therapist and I think I’m going to see if I can get certified or something to do hippotherapy because I really loved this job.”
“Loved?”
She lifted her chin. Enough of this. “I actually turned in my notice.”
A hand reached for hers, and it took her by surprise, and when she met Bryan’s gaze, she could hide from herself no more. His eyes were like a rag that scrubbed the truth from her soul.
“He loves you, you know.”
She shook her head vehemently. “Impossible.” And there went her tears. And in front of Bryan Vance, of all people. “We barely know each other. Besides, if he loved me he wouldn’t have left. But I guess it doesn’t matter because now he’s gone and by the time he gets back I’ll be gone, too. Maybe. I don’t know. But what does it matter?”
The newer, softer version of Bryan clasped her hand as tightly as he could, and she stared at the scars on his hands, aching for the pain he’d gone through in the same way she mourned her own broken heart.
“Don’t quit.”
“I have to.”
“No, you don’t.” He used his other hand to roll his chair closer to her. “What he went through over there, Jayden, it had to be hell. I know. I went through much the same thing.”
He shook his head, clenched her hand tighter.
“Things like that, they do things to you. Terrible things.” His grip relaxed. “It can turn a charming and personable man into a nasty grump.”
She had to wipe tears off her cheeks, took a deep breath and surprised herself by smiling. “You weren’t that bad.” Her stuffed-up nose made her sound like she had a cold.
“Don’t give up on him, Jayden.” Bryan’s eyes filled with an intensity she couldn’t look away from. “Don’t quit. You’re good at your job. Stay.”
She bent and hugged him again. “Thank you, Bryan.”
An arm came up and hugged her back, and she knew how hard Bryan had to work to lift that limb, and she felt a sob escape. Just one. That was all she would allow, pulling back to say, “I have a friend I want you to meet. Her name is Chandra. She’s gorgeous and funny and a physical therapist, too, and she can be even more of a pain in the rear than me. I think you’d like her.”
She thought he might say no, but to her surprise, he smiled a bit and said, “I’d like that.”
One last hug and then a goodbye, and then she watched Bryan’s van pull out.
Colby’s truck drove toward her.
She stood there, frozen, and then the urge to run nearly overwhelmed her. He’d come back.
She loved him.
It hit her then, as she watched him drive toward her. Bryan had been right. Somehow, crazily, against all odds, she’d fallen in love with a man who didn’t want her.
He pulled into the same spot where the van had just been, and she told herself to wave, to smile politely, to turn back to the barn and get to work. She didn’t, though. Her feet were anchored to the ground by a deep and undeniable root of optimism that she hadn’t even known existed.
The truck door opened. Her heart pounded. He slipped out. She couldn’t breathe. He met her gaze, and her knees almost buckled. That was what it felt like. Like someone poked her in the crease of her legs so that her knees gave out, because there was a look on his face...
“Hello, Jayden.”
She swallowed, clenched her hands. “Where have you been?”
He looked off in the distance, and she wondered if he would answer. Her heart kept time with every second that passed.
“I guess I was saying goodbye,” he finally answered.
“To who?”
He shrugged. “One of the men I lost, but in a way, all of them.”
And she knew what he’d done, knew by the look in his eyes that he’d found his peace in doing it. Knew, too, that Bryan had been right about one other thing. Colby loved her. She could see it in his eyes, hiding behind what remained of his sorrow.
“I can’t even imagine,” she said, her nose plugging yet again. Lord, she must look like a mess. Tearstained cheeks. Mussed hair. Probably dirt on her face, but she didn’t care because Colby was walking toward her, and she felt a sob catch in her throat.
“I plan to visit them all. Every single grave, and meet with as many family members as I can.”
She was nodding, although she didn’t know what she was agreeing with. She just felt the need to say yes, to silently acknowledge, she supposed, that she approved of what he’d done.
“But there was one thing I couldn’t say to my friend, Jayden. I said it once, but then I realized I was wrong, and that I didn’t think it anymore.”
He took a step toward her, so close now that she could have reached out and touched him, that she could smell him.
“I no longer wished it’d been me that’d died over there, and if you knew how often I’ve had that very thought over the past few years, Jayden, it would probably scare you. I used to think a dozen times a day that I should have been the one to die. I hid myself away...until you.”
Her chest spasmed with a sob.
“Suddenly I had a reason to live. A motive for wanting to do better, for putting some good back into the world that had taken so much from me, and I’m not going to lie—it scared me.”
She couldn’t take it anymore. She closed the distance between them, and like she’d done so many times before, she leaned back, lifted a hand to the side of his face.
“I was scared, too.” The tears ran freely down her cheeks now. She didn’t care. “I was terrified of losing control. Of falling in love with you and having to completely redo my life.”
His hand trembled. She saw it when he lifted it to her own face. “You don’t have anything to worry about, Jayden. I’ll take care of you. And I’ll never leave you again. Never. I just hope that in time you’ll learn to forgive me, and maybe even to love me back.”
Silly, ridiculous, crazy man.
“Maybe?” she asked on a huff of laughter. “Don’t you know, Colby? I already love you.�
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His eyes scanned her own, and she watched as the truth seeped into the crevices of his soul. Watched as his shoulders relaxed and his eyes grew soft and he realized that she was as much his as he was hers.
“I love you,” he admitted.
She pulled his head down and they were kissing and she was crying and maybe he was crying, too, until a familiar voice said, “Now, that’s what I call a reunion.”
It was Jax, and he came toward them with Naomi, Tramp and Thor running up to them both, Tramp nearly knocking them off their feet. Derrick materialized from out of nowhere, too, the man grinning from ear to ear.
Jax came forward and shook Colby’s hand, his “Welcome back” gruff with tears. And as Jayden looked around she knew she’d found forever friends, and that she and Colby were lucky to have them.
“Wait,” Colby said a moment later. “I have one last thing to say.”
Jayden saw him reach into his pocket, and her heart started racing all over again. He pulled out a tiny black box, and she knew what was inside, started crying once more, harder when he came toward her and knelt before her.
“Jayden Gillian, will you marry me?”
She didn’t answer, couldn’t have said yes if she’d tried—she was crying too hard. So she held out her hand, watching as he slipped a diamond ring on her finger, and then stood and kissed her once more, and she knew that somehow, miraculously, she’d found a forever love, too. And that it was a gift from above, their reward for all the heartache and the pain and the sorrow of the past, a love that would see them through good times and bad. A love that would last forever.
Epilogue
She would never, ever get used to Texas heat. Well, okay, not so much the heat as the dang humidity.
“Let me see,” Patty said, the woman she’d hoped one day would be a coworker staring at her in approval.
Jayden pulled up her dress one last time, the heart-shaped neckline revealing a sheen of sweat on her breasts despite the air-conditioning that hummed in the background. They were in a dressing room, one with the sun beaming onto the floor, heat refracting off the surface. Oh, well. Nothing she could do about it. She turned and faced her friend. Brown eyes widened just before they went soft with love and approval.
Home on the Ranch: Her Cowboy Hero Page 17
